Chapter 36

I was running really fast. I didn't want to look back because I knew that if I did, I'd be devasted more than I ever was.

My breath was hitching and suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I clutched my hand to my chest and then as if it was the cue, the words said by Cristine echoed in my mind.

"Si... buntis si Fier, Drake. Hindi na kayo pwede ni Alys... I'm so sorry, Drake..."

It can't be Drake's right? Hindi naman niya magagawa sa akin yun... He loves me! At least that was what he said...

My phone was vibrating and so were my hands. It was Tripp.

I needed someone to talk to... I needed my best friend.

("Nasan ka na? Akala ko ba magkikita tayo?") he asked.

They said the hardest time to control your sobbing was when you're acting tough but really, all you just want to do is to breakdown. It was a tiring cycle, and damning.

I ended the call before I could even cry. Tripp had already been through hell because of me. Ayoko na hanggang ngayon isama ko pa rin siya sa problema ko. Tama naman siya, people are already hurting. Masyado ng madaming nasasaktan. Kung si Drake ang pinili ko, kailangan ko 'tong panindigan. May baby o wala, papanindigan ko 'to.

I sent him a text message instead.

'Feeling bad. Bukas na lang?'

And then I walked back to my car while crying my heart out because of the possibility that my boyfriend cheated on me and got someone pregnant. Damn if this thought didn't kill me.

As I was walking, it started drizzling. Bakit parang nakikisama pa 'yung panahon? It was like the earth was helping me wallow in my self pity. Imbes na dumiretso ako sa sasakyan ko at umuwi at umiyak, dumiretso ako sa swing na dati kong pinupuntahan. Dito yun, e. Dito ako umiiyak tuwing sinasaktan ako ni Drake dati. Nandito lahat ng masasakit na alaala namin.

Ilang beses na ba niya akong sinaktan at pinaiyak? Hindi ko na nga mabilang, e. Alam ko hindi ko naman dapat bilangin kung ilan kasi ako rin naman yung may gusto nito. I chose to love him, threfore, I chose to be hurt by him. Ganun naman talaga yun. Pag mahal mo, asahan mo na masasaktan ka. What is love without little pain?

Sa lahat ng dahilan ng pag-iyak ko sa kanya, ito na yung masasabi ko na hindi ko alam kung paano ko isasaksak sa isip ko kung paano ko tatanggapin. Damn gusto kong tanggapin pero hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula.

As I was swinging myself along with my loneliness, someone tapped my back.

"Alys?"

I turned around and saw Sheen looking weirdly at me.

"Umiiyak ka ba?" he asked and then he brought out his handkerchief and offered it to me. "Oh," he said and when I was to hurt to accept it, he wiped my tears for me. "Bakit ka ba umiiyak? Panget ang umiiyak na babae. Dapat nakangiti ka lang palagi."

I missed him. Namiss ko yung pagiging palagi niyang positive. Siya lang yung taong kilala ko na positibo sa lahat ng bagay. He always knew how to see the best in someone. Kahit na masama ang trato mo sa kanya, he'll let it pass and instead find something in you na magugustuhan niya. He was always just like that. He's close to being an angel...

Instead of replying, I hugged him.

He chuckled and then patted my head. "After all these years, bata ka pa rin, Alys."

I bit my lip and smiled at the familiarity of this scenario. Para akong bumalik sa high school with Sheen here consoling me. He's still that person who waits until I stopped crying. Kaya nga ako nagkagusto sa kanya kasi alam niya kung paano ako pangitiin at patigilin umiyak. It was enough for me to like him.

"Hindi naman..." I whispered. "Bakit ka nga pala nandito?" I asked him, knowing na hindi naman siya tiga village. Kinuha ko yung panyo sa kanya at ako na yung nagpunas ng luha ko. The handkerchief was enough to stop my crying, at least. Siguro kung wala si Sheen, nandito lang ako magdamag, asking why the heavens wanted me hurting all the time.

He smiled and then sat on the adjacent swing. "May hinahanap lang ako. Ikaw?"

"Umiiyak, obviously," I said.

"Ikaw talaga," sabi niya tapos ginulo niya yung buhok ko. "Bakit ka umiiyak?"

With Sheen, I felt comfortable spilling all the demons of my life. Para kasing sobrang trustworthy niya. Alam ko na hindi niya ako huhusgahan, na nandyan lang siya para makinig, para magbigay ng advice kung gusto mo. He was just a good listener and the best friend anyone could have.

I adjusted myself not to look directly at him. It felt a little bit silly na magsumbong sa kanya. Was I being a tattletale? I didn't think so. I just wanted someone to talk to. Yun lang naman...

"It's about Drake..." panimula ko. He stayed silent and waited for me to go on and so I did. "We broke up and then now, kami na ulit. All was hell and then all was supposed to be finally hell but something big happened..." I said, trying so hard for my voice to not break. "I-I think he got someone pregnant."

I thought after I finished my sentence, I'd cry. Pero hindi, e. I was just there, absorbing everything. My problem wasn't silly. It was serious. How could I handle this? I love Drake. I loved him for years already pero hindi ko alam kung kaya ko siyang agawin kung totoo man na may anak na siya. It was just cruel for the innocent kid...

"Siya ba mismo ang nagsabi?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Confirmation wasn't necessary, Sheen."

"Alys, never assume unless directly stated. Rule of accountancy. Rule of life."

I smiled and shook my head. "How can I? Hindi ko yata kayang itanong pa, baka bigla na lang akong maiyak..."

"Ano ba ang gusto mo kasi? Dalawa lang yan, Alys. Una, wag mong tanungin at macurious ka habang buhay. O pangalawa, tanungin mo at masaktan ka pero mahahanapan naman ng solusyon."

Pwede bang wala na lang choice? Pwedeng back to square one? Sa Math naman pwede yun, di ba? Bakit dati feeling ko sobrang komplikado ng Math, pero ngayon? Sana pala puro Math na lang kasi sa Math, pwede akong magstart from the beginning. E sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko? Wala, e. Iyan na 'yun. Live with it or run from it.

I took a deep breath. "Pwedeng null pareho? Anak na yung pinag uusapan, Sheen. Paano kung tanungin ko siya at ako pa rin pero naman... paano ko maaatim na makipag-agawan sa anak?"

"You underestimate Drake, Alys. Kilala ko si Drake simula elementary. Kahit ilan pa ang mabuntis niyan, ikaw at ikaw lang ang uuwian niyan. He's in love with you. Di mo pa ba alam yun?"

"But the kid..."

He stood up and pulled me with him. "Hindi naman yung bata ang papakasalan ni Drake, Alys. Ang papakasalan niya, yung babaeng mahal niya. At ikaw yun."

I smiled and hugged him again. "Thanks, Sheen."

"Wala yun, ikaw pa. Tara, samahan na kita sa inyo."

We walked home and left my car. ipapakuha ko na lang siguro.

While walking home, I couldn't help but still feel anxious. Would I ask to confirm? Pero bakit iniisip ko pa lang, nahihirapan na ako ng sobra. It was hard thinking about it but a lot harder actually doing it.

Nung dumating na kami sa bahay, he said he'll visit me again soon. Sana nga. Kailangan ko ng katulad niya. Unbiased and just positive.

"Alys."

His voice. It was Drake talking to me. Nakatayo siya sa harap ng pintuan ng bahay namin, just probably waiting for me.

"Bakit?" I asked him, trying to sound normal. Hindi naman niya alam na alam ko na. Sasabihin niya ba sa akin o magsisinungaling lang siya? Both hurt so much.

He took a step forward and caressed my face. "Were you crying?" he asked in the most gentle manner.

I tried to smile and said, "Hindi."

I removed his hand from my face and walked in. The house was empty, hindi ko alam kung nasaan ba sila pero mas maayos na siguro 'to. Hindi ko gusto na makita nila ako na ganito, na nasasaktan. Palagi na lang kasi, nakakasawa na.

He followed me inside, just silently tailing me around.

"May kailangan ka ba?" I asked.

Umiling siya at naupo lang sa stool sa kitchen habang kumukuha ako ng tubig. All the crying was dehydrating me.

"Alys..." he said.

"Ano?"

He smiled. "I love you."

My heart stopped beating. Ito na ba yun? Sasabihin niya na ba sa akin na 'I love you but I can't marry you.' Dapat na ba akong maghanda?

Nanginginig ang kamay ko, hindi ko alam kung paano hintayin ang kasunod na sasabihin niya.

"Drake, may sasabihin ka ba sa akin?" I asked.

He stared deep into me and then sighed. "You hate lies. I hate lies."

I nodded. Lies are destructive. Lies will kill your relationship.

"I hate lies. I loathe them," I said back. The moment was intense, anytime sasabog na yung kanina ko pang nararamdaman. Sabihin mo na, Drake! End this misery!

"Fier's pregnant," he said. There, finally.

I bit my lips to stop myself from crying but damn this one tear that left my eye.

"Ikaw ang ama?"

He nodded.

I turned my back and cried. Naibato ko yung hawak ko na baso. Hindi ko na alam. Sabi ni Sheen mas okay na malaman ko... Pero bakit ang sakit sakit? Bakit pakiramdam ko mamamatay na ako sa sobrang hirap?

Sumisikip yung dibdib ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong gawin.

"Alys..." he said.

"Drake, umalis ka. Iwan mo ako, please!"

"Listen---"

Humarap ako sa kanya. Wala na akong pakielam kung makita niyang umiiyak ako. Nasasaktan na ako. Ayokong makita niya akong ganito. Ang sakit e.

"Umalis ka nga, di ba?! Hindi ka ba makaintindi?!"

"Listen to me first!" bigla siyang nagtaas ng boses. "I want you, Alys. I don't want Fier."

Hinagis ko sa kanya yung prutas sa bowl. Bwisit ka, Drake! Palagi mo na lang akong ginaganito!

"Sana naisip mo yan bago mo siya anakan!"

He went near me and restrained me. "It's done, Alys. I can't do anything about it but be responsible and man enough to claim the child. And I'm man enough to still ask you to be with me. Alys, ikaw lang. Ikaw lang naman palagi, e..."

His words were beautiful but still weren't enough to heal all these scars. Magkakaanak siya sa ibang babae. Sa ibang babae, hindi sa akin. Saang parte ng utak ko ba dapat isiksik yun?

"You impregnated her, Drake. Wag mo naman iexpect na papalagpasin ko 'yun."

He nodded. "I don't expect you to but I expect you not to leave me, Alys. Please don't."

I bit my lip and put my hand on my head. "You had her pregnant. Damn, she was your first! Gusto mo bang mabaliw ako?!"

"Are you marrying my virginity or me?" he asked.

Damn you, Palma! Ako pa ang may issue sa virginity mo ngayon!

"To hell with virginity! Drake, nabuntis mo si Fier! Ineexpect mo ba na matutuwa ako?"

He stared at me. "I'll get you pregnant tonight if you want."

"Seryoso ako! Wag mo nga akong gaguhin!"

He took another step and held me by the arm. "Alys, you're the only one I want to be pregnant with my child. Fier was a mistake but you will always be my choice."