Chapter 45

I went back home with a wrecked heart. In my entire life, today was the day that I just had to question why was I still living if all that I'd be feeling was pain and suffering?

The feeling of your happiness being questioned was the worse of them all.

Bakit, Tripp?

I was holding on to that piece of happiness. Na kapag sobrang hirap na ng lahat, maalala ko lang na nandyan si Drake, sumasaya na ako. Pero bakit kailangan mo pang ipagkait sa akin 'yun?

"Alys?" my Mom called out my name. She was looking at me with pity and I couldn't blame her. Kahit ako, naaawa na ako sa sarili ko. Sobrang nahihirapan na ako. Kung laro nga lang to ng basketball, malamang nagtime out na ako.

I approached her with heavy feet. For the sake of her sanity, I tried to smile. Alam ko na kung nahihirapan ako, mas nahihirapan siya. She's my mother.

"Kamusta?" she asked me.

"It's hard..."

It's damn hard. Mahirap. Masakit. Pero despite all the hardships, kumakapit ako kay Drake. Siya lang yung nagbibigay sa akin ng pag-asa na makakaya ko ang lahat ng 'to. Na kahit na ang hirap hirap na ngayon, magtiwala ako kasi meron pang bukas.

She hugged me tight and assured me that everything's gonna be alright. Sana nga. Sana maging okay na 'yung lahat kasi sobrang nahihirapan na ako sa mga nangyayari. It felt like I'd explode anytime soon. Just... just anytime I'd crash and burn.

I had a good crying inside the arms of my Mom. She caressed me and then hugged me to sleep. It was very sweet of hers. Despite everything I did, she still loved me and would do everything to help me. I was just thankful for having my family beside me while all these madness consume my being.

That night, I had the longest sleep in weeks. No dramas, no crying. I just slept it all. I needed it. My body felt so worn out.

Morning rolled in fast and the first thing that I did is to check up on Drake. The day was gloomy and it looked like it was going to rain hard anytime soon. The sky was giving a hint of what was about to come: a heavy pouring. I smiled bitterly. Maybe the heavens and I shared the same feeling. We both needed a good crying. A damn good one at that.

I stood up and went to the bathroom while holding the telephone in my hands. My hands were fumbling and my heart was beating fast. I hadn't had the chance to contact Drake last night. My mind was heavy with everything. There was just too much to digest.

While I was laying in my bed last night, bumabalik lahat ng sinabi sa akin ni Tripp. Tama nga siya... How can happiness be measured? Can it be measured by the number of smiles you made? The laughter you shared? Ano nga ba ang basehan ng pagiging masaya?

Alam ko sa sarili ko na masaya ako kay Drake... Or at least I was happy. The memories we shared were the ones I cherished the most. Bawat ngiti, bawat paghawak niya sa kamay ko dati, hindi ko magawang kalimutan. Kahit na gaano niya ako sinaktan nood, it was just too hard for me to forget him.

It was like forgetting him was forgetting who I was. He's a part of who I was. And if given the chance, I'd like for him to be a part of who I would be.

With Drake, everything seemed hopeful. My future, my everything, since I met him, I've been looking forward to tomorrow because I know it'd be worth it.

"Drake?" I said when he finally picked up the phone. I was in the middle of washing my face when he spoke. My breathing hitched up. Marinig ko lang ang boses niya, sobra na ang kabog ng dibdib ko.

I could hear his heavy breathing.

"Yeah?"

"Kumain ka na ba?" I asked him, unable to do anything but to worry. Ayoko siyang tanungin ng ibang bagay. He's been through too much.

There was a beat and then he answered me with, "Not yet. Let's eat together?"

I smiled at his question. Mabuti naman naalala niya pa ako. Akala ko palagi na lang siyang malungkot, e.

"Sure. I'll go there in a while, okay?"

"I'll pick you up."

"No, pupunta na lang ako jan. Okay?"

"Alright."

I was about to end the call when I remembered... "I love you, Drake. Always. Forever. To the moon and back."

It was the truth. No matter what may happen, my love for him will never cease. Sure, mapapagod ako but at the end of the day, mahal ko pa rin. Ganun yata talaga pag epic love. Masaktan at masaktan ka man, mapagod ka man ng sobra, sa dulo, babalik at babalik ka pa rin. Bakit? Mahal mo, e.

Minsan, iniisip ko na parang pinaglalaruan lang ako ng nag isip ng kahulugan ng love. Bakit pag may love may hurting? Hindi ba pwedeng love na lang? Pero sa lahat ng nangyari, naisip ko na mas okay nga na minsan nasasaktan... Para mas naaappreciate mo yung mga masasayang pangyayari.

I finished dressing up momentarily. Today, I'd do anything just to make everything seem normal. Just for today, gusto kong maramdaman na normal na tao lang kami. Kahit sabihin nila na masamang takbuhan ang problema, ngayon? Gusto ko lang na tumakas. Kahit isang araw lang. Hindi naman siguro masaya yun, 'di ba?

Just in time before I wore my shoes, Mom entered my room.

"Bakit po?"

"You're going somewhere?" she asked when she saw my things scattered on my bed. Kanina pa kasi ako naghahanap ng pwedeng isuot. I wasn't dolling up for Drake. I was looking for something that would make him feel at home. 'Yung normal lang?

I nodded and then strapped the lace.

"Uhm, okay. But Tripp's downstairs."

"Ha?"

"Tripp's downstairs waiting for you," she said again. She looked at me, para bang nagpipigil siya ng gusto niyang sabihin sa akin. I waited for her to gather the guts... And when she finally did... "Alys, baby, you know I love you and I'm just always behind you in every decision that you make... But please, just please, unahin mo muna yung sarili mo above anyone else. Just because you love the person, it doesn't give you the license to hurt yourself over and over again. If that's the case, it isn't love anymore. It's just responsibility. Love is bliss, not ignorance."

I smiled at her. I knew she meant well but I'd rather be ignorant with Drake than to be smart and alone.

"Thanks, Mom," I said and then looked at myself one last time at the mirror.

She gave in a deep sigh and then kissed me on the cheek. "I love you, baby. Always remember that, okay?"

"Of course, Mom."

Bumaba na ako while my Mom went to her room. She knew better than to spy on me. It wasn't a good idea to spy on someone yet I always ended up spying up on Fier. What an irony.

While I was going down, my heart kept on beating abnormally. Seeing Tripp was just too much for me. Last night, when he leaned in and kissed me... Just. Damn it.

"What?" I asked him. Hindi ako makatingin ng maayos. That kiss... No, Alys. Si Drake ang mahal ko. Tripp's just messing with my head.

I pushed him. And then slapped him.

"What the hell?!" I said and then wiped my lips with my hand. "Anong problema mo?!"

My face was red with anger. Naiinis ako. Nasasaktan ako. Hindi pa ba sapat lahat ng pinagdaanan ko nung mga nakaraang araw na kailangan niya pang dagdagan?!

He was staring at me intently; those dark orbs making my heart skip a beat.

"Wala akong problema. Shit. Kahit na saktan mo ako ng paulit ulit, ikaw pa rin e. Tangina nakakagago!" he said and then slammed his head on his hand. "Alys, alam ko sabi ko sa'yo hindi kita iiwan pero... tama na. Please. Konti na lang... fuck, Alys, konti na lang luluhod na ako sa harap mo balikan mo lang ako e."

I was staring at him. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko.

"Tripp naman..."

"Alys, hindi mo ba alam kung gaano kita kamahal? Hindi mo alam? Heto, makinig ka. Mahal na mahal kita kahit na alam ko na mas mahal mo si Drake. Kahit na best friend na lang ako, nandito pa rin ako, 'di ba? Kahit na umiiyak ka at para akong gago na nagiging human handkerchief mo, ayos lang. May narinig kang reklamo? Wala. Pero ngayon, sorry, Alys. Hindi ako perpekto. Nasasaktan ako. Nasagad mo na ako.

"Five years. Five years na kitang mahal, Alys. Ang tagal na, noh? Pero parang sandali lang yung lahat kasi yung mga panahon na kasama kita, sandali lang naman talaga. Puro nga patago, puro pahiram lang. Pero kahit ganun hindi naman ako nagsisisi. 'Yung panahon na tayong dalawa, sobrang saya ko kahit na alam ko na matatapos naman yung lahat.

"Alys, mahal kita pero hindi ako tanga. Alam ko na si Drake lang talaga. Pwede naman na pinakasalan na lang kita dati agad, alam ko naman na papayag ka pero hindi ko ginawa. Parang ang gago ko naman kasi kung ganun, 'di ba? Gusto ko kung papakasalan mo ako, yung ako na talaga.

"Sanay ako ng kahati ko si Drake buong buhay ko. Sanay na sanay na ako pero pagdating sayo, ayoko. Sorry kung sobrang seloso ako dati... Tangina hindi mo kasi alam kung gaano kita kamahal. Maisip ko pa lang na hindi ako yung nagiisa jan sa puso mo, ang sakit na. Pero ayos lang. Ganun talaga, e.

"Alam mo ba kung gaano ako natakot nung bumalik ka sa Pilipinas? Hindi mo alam, noh? Wag mo ng alamin... Baka maawa ka pa sakin.

"Pero ngayon, Alys? Iyak na lang ng iyak, tangina! Kung pwede lang talaga itatakas na kita kay Drake pero hindi ko kaya kasi alam kong hindi mo naman ako mahal kagaya ng kay Drake. Epic love mo nga, di ba? Tangina ano ba ako? Best friend. Shoulder to cry on. Nakakagagong role sa buhay.

"Kaya ngayon, Alys, please aalis na ako. Tama na talaga. Konting konti na lang pipitik na ako. Sobrang sakit na. Hindi na maganda 'to.

Nakatingin ako sa kanya. Hindi ko alam kung paano sumagot. Masakit. Ang sakit sakit.

"Tripp—" I said as I was trying to hold his face.

Iniwasan niya ako. "Tama na, Alys. Bigyan mo na lang ako ng closure. Gusto ko na talagang mag move on. Nakakagago na yung paulit ulit na nasasaktan. Hindi pala 'to masaya."

"Bakit ka nandito?" I asked him again.

There was a distance between us. Hindi ko alam kung paano lumapit. He asked me to let him go. Ang sakit sakit.

Hindi niya alam kung gaano kasakit yung sinabi niya sa akin. I was crying so hard that even breathing was difficult.

Gaano kasakit na magmakaawa sayo yung best friend mo na iwan mo siya? Sobrang sakit. Dinaig pa yung breakup namin ni Drake. Hindi ko alam kung paano idescribe. Yung bawat patak ng luha niya, bawat pagsabi niya ng, 'Alys, iwan mo na ako.' Sobrang sakit. Kulang na lang saksakin niya ako.

Tumayo siya at lumapit sa akin.

"Pwede ba tayong mag usap?" he said.

"Akala ko ba lalayuan na kita?"

He sighed. "Alys..."

Itinaas ko ang kamay ko nung nagtangka siyang lumapit sa akin. Tama na, please. Sinusubukan ko naman na mag let go. Pero proseso yun. Sana makicooperate siya. Mahirap bumitaw kung yung taong gusto mong iwan, nandyan lang sa harap mo.

"Tripp, gusto mong layuan kita. Makicooperate ka naman."

He was looking at me. Just looking at me.

"Alys, last na 'to. Aalis na ako pagkatapos nito..." he said.

I was tempted to cry. Aalis siya? Bakit ang sakit? Oo alam kong lalayuan ko siya pero aalis? Hindi ba sobra naman yun?

Best friend ko siya... kahit ganito ang nangyayari best friend ko si Tripp... Pwede paunti unti naman ang pagiwan sa akin?

"S-saan ka pupunta?"

He smiled. "Basta. 'Yung malayo. 'Yung walang Alys. Gusto kong magbagong buhay. 'Yung babae na mamahalin ako. 'Yung to the moon and back din."

Hindi ko napigilan, naiyak na ako.

"Sorry... Tripp, I'm so sorry..."

He bit his lips and smiled. Kahit ang sakit sakit na, nagagawa niya pa ding ngumiti.

"'Wag kang magsorry, ako 'tong na in love sa'yo," he said. He reached for my hand. "Tara, tutulungan na kita sa problema mo bago ako tuluyang mawala."

Mawala? Ang... fuck ang sakit pakinggan. How can you let go of someone who's been there with you through thick and thin? Parang masyadong mahirap. Nakakagago yung concept.

Before I knew it, nakasakay na kami sa sasakyan niya.

He was explaining to me na aalis na si Fier. It was a quarter to 10 and her flight was this afternoon. Kailangan namin siyang mapuntahan. Damn it, Cristine! Hindi man lang nagsabi.

My hands were trembling but I still managed to send a text to Drake. It was concise and... hurtful enough.

To: Drake Palma

Fier's leaving. Go to her.

Five words but the impact's just too much.

The drive was long and winding. Masakit sa puso. My hands felt cold. My heart was beating abnormally. It felt like everything's bound to mess up.

Nakarating kami sa bahay nila Cristine and my whole being was just fucking emotional. Konti na lang talaga magbbreakdown na ako.

"Hindi ko kayang pumasok..." I said.

Tripp smiled at me and motioned me to go on.

"Sige na, Zyril. Kaya mo yan. Mawawala na ako pagkatapos nito. And please, 'wag kang matakot na umiyak sa harap ni Drake. Mahal ka nun. Maiintindihan ka niya, umiyak man o tumawa ka."

I hugged him tight. Magiging okay din ang lahat para sa kanya, para sa akin, para sa amin.

Dahan dahan akong pumasok sa loob kahit na ang bigat bigat ng puso ko.

Nakasalubong ko si Cristine, nagulat siya pero wala na akong panahon para magpaliwanag sa kanya.

"Si Fier?" I asked her.

Mukhang naguguluhan siya.

"She's upstairs... and she's with Drake. What's happening?"

I took a calming breath. "She's leaving this afternoon, Cristine."

"What?!"

"I'll explain it to you later, okay?" sabi ko sa kanya bago ako umakyat.

Every step, kinakabahan ako. I had this feeling inside me that this was going to be messy. Every ending's messy but this one was just... it was just too much for me.

I followed the instruction Cristine gave me. Nandun nga sila and Fier was pacing back and forth, nag aayos ng gamit niya. Drake was like a puppy following her.

"Stop following me! Aalis na ako, lumuhod ka man jan o umiyak."

"Fier... Don't do this to me."

"Your chance is over, Drake. Ayoko na sayo. Sure, at some point, naisip ko na baka nga in love ako sayo. Pero hindi. You hurt me. And pag sinaktan ako ng isang tao, wala na. Game over na. Sorry but that's how I roll. Ayoko ng nasasaktan, Drake. I'm sensitive. And you pushed me over the edge."

It was nostalgic. Ang sakit sakit tuwing nakikinig ako sa usapan nila. Pero minsan, naiisip ko na mas okay to... Nag uusap silang dalawa na sila lang. Minsan kasi naiisip ko na nagdedesisyon si Drake dahil sa akin. Gusto kong magdesisyon siya sa sarili niya... At kung ako ang mapili niya, I'd be so damn lucky.

"Where are you going? Fier naman. Sabihin mo naman sakin."

"Wala kang karapatan, Drake, okay! 'Wag ka ngang feeling responsableng ama!"

And out of the blue, he pulled her, hugged her and then slowly kneeled in front of her.

Sumakit yung puso ko. Why, Drake?

"Fier... please don't do this..."

Tumalikod ako at tumakbo palabas. Hindi ko na kaya yung mga susunod na mangyayari. My heart will soon explode, I could feel it.

I ran to Tripp.

"Alys!" he said. "Anong nangyari?"

I was sobbing so hard. I can't emphasize how hard I was sobbing. Hindi ako makahinga. My vision was cloudy. Ang sakit ng puso ko.

"Give me the keys," I said.

"Alys..."

"I SAID GIVE ME THE FUCKING KEYS!"

Inabot niya sa akin yung susi and I entered his car. I ignited the engine at once. Aalis na sana ako when Tripp entered, as well.

"I want to be alone."

"'Wag kang magdrive ng umiiyak, Alys."

"I SAID I WANT TO BE ALONE! MAHIRAP BANG INTINDIHIN?!"

I can't be logical. Ayoko. Naiisip ko na nagmamakaawa si Drake kay Fier. Masyadong... fuck masyadong masakit. Ayoko. Ayokong isipin.

He sighed. "Then drive. Dito lang ako."

Hindi ko siya pinansin and then I drove away. While driving, I was sobbing. Ang sakit isipin na—fuck why am I being like this? Ang sakit. Kahit na sabihin ko na okay lang, para naman sa anak niya yun, wala, e. Masakit pa din.

"Alys, dahan dahan lang..." he reminded me.

I didn't listen to him and stepped on the gas even harder. I rolled down the window and the air was blowing nicely against my skin, drying my tears.

And then everything went black.