Despite how well my personal life seemed to be going, Christian's new home was finally starting to affect us, both financially and mentally. We were bored out of our minds at work and no matter what were on TV, we didn't find it funny in the slightest. This led to the incredible rare occurrence where we were all actually a little bit excited to host a funeral.

Our job for today was to pick up a coffin from an apartment in the centre of town and take him to the church. Normally bodies were kept with us but once we'd fixed this guy up, the family wanted him back until the funeral. Easily the creepiest thing I've ever heard of in my life.

Anyway, I didn't know any better but once Steve told us that he was getting picked up from Main Street Kent, but both Tom and Aaron both yelled "Fuck!" at exactly the same time.

I later found out that this was the busiest street in town and it was nearly impossible to get parked on, particularly on a Saturday morning. As you can imagine, collecting a coffin isn't exactly a two minute job so we'd need to find a decent spot or risk blocking the street.

We left early, with Steve and Aaron taking the hearse and Tom and I following closely behind in the non coffin car. Luckily the hearse got parked right outside the apartment but we didn't. We thought about just heading to the church but thought it best to wait and see if the other two needed help to load the death box into the car. So we sat idly, blocking half of the road but cars could still overtake us so it wasn't quite the end of the world.

"Man how did such an old guy get an apartment here?" Tom asked. Not sure if I was supposed to answer or not, I simply shrugged. "How the fuck did he climb the stairs?"

"Maybe there's an elevator?" I suggested.

"Good point Sam. You're smarter than you look" He told me. If that was considered intelligent then I must really look like an idiot.

"Are you sure they're going to manage to carry this guy all the way down the stairs?" I asked. He was three floors up.

"Pretty sure. Like 50%. If they need help we'll know by the anguished screams of someone getting flattened by a coffin" He said, sounding like he was somewhere else.

Just then, we heard a loud horn noise coming from behind us, and not just once. We looked round to see some guy in a huge Audi car honking at us and giving us the finger.

"What's this guy's problem?" I asked, although I wasn't sure why. It was pretty obvious that he wanted us to move out of the way.

"Just overtake us you idiot!" Tom yelled to him. Normally Tom's temper was a problem but today I felt that he was completely justified. There was nothing coming the other way so the guy could easily get past us, but instead he kept honking and waving for us to move.

"He's not getting the hint" I muttered.

"Jackass. Can't he tell what we're here for? It's pretty clear we're not here for the fucking view!"

The guy still hadn't figured it out, and now started shouting at us.

"Get out of the fucking way you fat bastard!" He yelled.

"I think he's talking to you" Tom joked to me before sticking his head out of the window in order to yell back.

"Either go past us or wait you piece of shit!"

The shouting match continued, with the language getting even worse, until Steve and Aaron finally emerged with the casket.

"Come on, let's go help them out" Tom told me before exiting the car. It was the fastest I'd ever seen him move.

"But it looks like they've got it!" I called through the open window. It was a blistering hot day and even the wide-open car windows didn't stop me from sweating.

"At least jerk-off over there will know what we're doing though" He called back. I couldn't argue the point so I followed and helped the others with their dead parcel. We made sure to exaggerate what we were doing for the asshole's benefit.

Once the casket was offloaded, we swaggered back to our car, smirking at our aggressor who was now staring at us with his jaw on the cars pedals. He clearly wasn't expecting that to happen. I peacefully sat back in the passenger side but Tom had other ideas.

"You see that, you motherfucker? I hope that teaches you a lesson in patience! Now fucking overtake us already!" He yelled before giving him the finger and then finally sitting next to me in the car. "That feels much better" He sighed.

As funny as this incident was, it just emphasized how stressed we all were at the impending doom that Eternal Wings was facing. I'd finally admitted to myself that I really liked working with these guys and didn't want it to end, and besides, my talk with Naomi the other night made me realise how much they were unknowingly giving me some much needed confidence.

Steve was a good guy and didn't deserve to get shafted the way he was. Tom was weird as hell but he was funny (if you didn't mind people taking selfies with corpses) and he'd always stand up for you if you needed it. Aaron was the same. He'd always help you out if you asked him to and he was always so cool and relaxed. Plus I still thought he was a sexy beast even though I (kind of) had a girlfriend now. But with what was going on at the moment, we were all letting our worst sides get on top of us. That's why none of us initially argued when Tom came up with another plan.

"Guys we have to do something. We can't let Steve sell up to Goldstein" He said, pulling us aside at the service after the funeral.

"We are not killing anybody!" Aaron warned him. I hate to admit it though, the way things were going, going on a mass murder rampage didn't seem like that bad an idea anymore.

"Do you realise that after today we only have one more funeral planned?" Tom asked us. "And even then it's only because the horny old widow wants to stare at Aaron in a suit!"

Aaron grimaced as if someone just squeezed his nuts.

"What can we do? Like Aaron said, murder is out, and our videos were a disaster!" I cried.

"The way I see it is this. We have three choices. One, we let Steve sell and we all have to find new jobs. Two, we each take a turn to kill ourselves so we have some guaranteed business" You can imagine our reactions to this suggestion. "Or three, we find a way to show everyone why we are better than Goldstein. We play his game and take the business back!"

"I like that in theory, but how do we do it? How do we know that we are better than him?" I asked.

"You've met the guy! And you've met Steve, it's a no brainer. Based on that evidence say your mom died, who would you trust more to give her the best send off?" Tom argued.

"Minus the risk of her casket being shuffled, it would be team Steve" I admitted.

"Exactly!"Tom cried in victory. "I have an idea but Steve can't know about it. You know what he's like; he'll try and stop us". We knew that Tom was right. He asked us to meet him after work in the crypt located behind Eternal Wings. It was a strange place for our meeting but it was definitely secluded.

The crypt was build decades ago when Eternal Wings had first opened. Steve's grandfather had owned the home and one of his first clients was the richest guy in town who'd been diagnosed with terminal cancer. He knew he was going to die and so planned a massive celebration, finishing up with a giant crypt for him and the rest of his family when they too passed away. It was the only one like it at Eternal Wings so I couldn't miss it. I got in and the other two were already waiting for me.

"Finally, he arrives" Tom sighed.

I could only see them because we each had a flashlight with us. Night had fallen on Kent and there were obviously no lights in the stone tomb. I could make out engravings all over the walls but I couldn't tell what they said. I was more concerned with the fact that instead of our normal ritual of drinking after a funeral, we were camping in a graveyard.

"First of all, the most important thing" Tom said before unveiling a box of beers. At least now I felt a little bit more normal. We each opened one and began discussing what we could do about Christian Goldstein.

"One thing I have noticed" Aaron said. "Is that even though people want to give whoever a good send off, they're so wrapped up in grief that sometimes they get lazy. Instead of doing what the person would've wanted, they just do what's easiest. And in this case, what's easiest might be Goldstein's new place"

This was true. Although it sat just across the road, it was ever so slightly to the left of our place, meaning that it was technically closer to town where everyone would be coming from. It'd be the first funeral home you see on this road so the really lazy people would just stop there.

"And seeing as he's only using it as a temporary funeral parlour till he gets this one, it's probably the easiest for us to take out" I mused.

"Are you saying we burn it down?" Aaron chuckled.

"No!" I gasped in horror. It was a figure of speech dammit!

"Sam may be losing his mind but it's not a bad idea" Tom shrugged. "He was cremating someone; left the incinerator on . . . it could happen". Only in a profession such as ours could this theory make sense.

"What I mean is, this one will have the lowest client base of all his stores, plus it's our main competition right now" I explained.

"I know what you mean Samuel, its ok" Tom patted my shoulder. "And you're right. Here's what I was thinking. We pull a few pranks or stunts to make out to the world what we already know to be true. Goldstein is an asshole who doesn't care about the customers, just their cash. One by one we pull one of these tricks on each of his stores, working our way up to his main one on the other side of town" He finished. Aaron didn't seem convinced.

"That's great in theory, but you know how well organised funerals are. How can we sabotage one without causing serious harm to the bodies? Tell me you've thought of that?"

"I have" Tom smiled. "I know how much of a couple of bitches you two are so I promise that there will be absolutely no desecration of dead bodies". Well that was a relief.

"I still don't see how we can do this. Aaron is right, these things are planned almost as strategically as a wedding" I said.

"That is where phase one comes in. I'm going undercover" Tom told us. I swear to god that in the silent seconds that followed, I legitimately witnessed a tumbleweed blow past us in that crypt.

"Ok James Bond" Aaron finally said. "Just how are you going to do that?"

The explanation that followed was truly one of the most spectacular things I've ever heard. And even stranger, it made complete sense. But for that, we're going to need a whole new chapter!