Tyler

I didn't know what to do. A part of me wanted to chase her, to force her to stop and listen, but the last time I forced my hand it hadn't ended well.

I didn't know if I could take another rejection. I didn't want to feel the way I felt right now all over again.

Maybe we weren't meant to be. Maybe she could never get away from her own past. Maybe I could never take Jack's place.

I stared down at my phone, re-reading all of the texts and trying to figure out what to do next.

I stared at the picture of her scars, cursing them for being what came between us yet again.

Little red lines on her skin, little stupid lines. Why didn't I just keep my mouth shut? I could have found a better way to go about letting her know who I was. I could have done things differently.

I should have done things differently.

Maybe then I wouldn't be here all alone again. Maybe then I wouldn't be contemplating the end again.

Piper didn't love me. I was just a rebound. I was just the person who comforted her while she grieved over her dead fiancé. She could never love me the way she loved him. It had never been in the cards for us.

I scrolled further back, putting together pieces that had never made sense to me before. The guy she tried to help, the one who hurt her, that was me. That was me at the coffee shop that night. I had kissed her and she felt guilty about it.

She felt guilty because she loved someone else.

For gods sake she thought I was a dog. A dog who kept coming back for more and more rejection. Maybe I was a stupid dog.

I had asked myself so many times what it would be like to have both of them together as one girl, and now I knew. Sadly, it wasn't at all like I imagined it.

I threw the phone, cursing aloud at how stupid I had been. Why did she run? Did my not telling her my real name really hurt her that much? It was just a simple lie. It was my name after all, just my middle name. The name no one knew.

I stood, walking to the bathroom to open the small cabinet behind the mirror. With shaking hands I grabbed the last bottle of pills. The last of my stash.

This was it.

If it didn't work this time than I was all out of options.

I tossed it back and forth between my hands, wondering if I really wanted to do this. If I really wanted to go out without a fight.

I wanted Piper, so why wasn't I fighting for her? Aren't you supposed to fight for what you want? Would one more rejection really hurt that much more? I was used to it by now, or I should be at least.

I sat down hard on the edge of my bed, dumping the contents of the bottle in my hand. There were fifteen pills left.

Fifteen pills to end my life.

I put them back into the bottle one by one, counting them over and over again. Fifteen. Fifteen.

Fifteen was going to be a lucky number wasn't it? Thirteen hadn't worked. Fourteen hadn't worked. Twelve hadn't worked. But fifteen would work. I just knew it would.

Today was the day. Today was the day all the noise would finally just stop.

I dumped three out into my hand, telling myself I would start slow and add more as the time ticked by.

I tossed the bottle on the bed and walked to the kitchen for a beer, knocking back the three pills.

I sat back down on the bed, laying back into my pillows and staring at the ceiling.

After a while I started to feel numb. I started to feel better. I closed my eyes, letting the feeling take over me and lull me into a false sense of security.

"Ty?" I could hear her voice so clearly. It was as if she were there with me.

I opened my eyes, seeing her standing over me.

How fitting was it that she was here with me in my thoughts and subconscious as I ended it all?

I reached out for the bottle again, ready to take some more but something stopped me from moving.

"Don't do this. Please." Her voice begged.

"You aren't real." I said, reaching out again for the bottle. "Nothing is real."

A slap across the face brought me back to semi- reality, my eyes focusing on her standing over me covered in red paint.

Red paint?

The words 'I'm so ugly' focused into view, confusing me as I blinked over and over again. The words weren't going away. In fact the words were multiplying, traveling up the whole length of her arm in bright red. This couldn't be real. I was in some alternate reality.

"Fuck how many of these did you take Ty?" The voice asked, floating to my ears almost as if I were underwater.

"Three." I said. "I took three."

Then suddenly I was moving, floating in the air. I was drifting again, unable to focus on anything.

I couldn't breathe. I gasped, choking down water from something that smelled suspiciously like a toilet. I was drowning, fighting and flailing to get above the water so I could breathe again.

Something yanked at my hair, jerking me from the water where I took a deep gulp of air, then my head was shoved back under the water.

I tried to scream, but more water burned down my throat, choking me all over again.

Was this what it felt like to die? Why had I wanted this?

My hair was yanked again, up out of the water and I started to realize what was happening.

Someone was drowning me in my dream.

I looked around wildly, gasping again for air. I could see her red hair dangling over my face as she leaned over my body.

Piper was drowning me.

How fitting was that? In my dreams Piper was the one who would finally end it all.

"God damn it just puke already." She said, shoving my head back into the water.

I gulped again, swallowing more water and my stomach turned to acid, the contents of it swirling up my throat.

When she pulled at my hair again, I vomited, forcefully, until every single bit of what was in my stomach was gone, leaving me with nothing but a sick nasty feeling.

"One, two, three. Oh thank god." She said, fishing her hands around in the toilet as she counted the pills that had barely started to dissolve. It was a wonder I was feeling them as much as I was. Then again this was just a dream and dreams tended to not make sense.

She stood, washing her hands of my vomit then cradled me in her arms tightly.

I didn't understand what kind of dream this was, but it was the weirdest dream I had ever had. I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted the end to come.

"Come on let's go lie down. You're gonna be alright."

She guided me back to my bed, climbing in beside me and wrapping her arms around me, rocking us gently back and forth.

"Shh." She said, quieting my whimpers. "Shh I've got you now."

*

I woke with a start, anger rushing through me.

Not again!

My eyes opened, half expecting to see a white hospital room, but only seeing my bedroom.

Something was weighing my body down, keeping me from being able to sit up. I looked down and there was Piper with her arms tightly wrapped around me.

Had it all been a dream? The fight? The pills? Am I going insane?

"Piper?" I said, shaking her. "Piper wake up."

Her eyes opened slowly, her body jumping as she looked at me.

"It's okay." She said, hugging me tighter to her. "It worked, you're okay I promise."

What?

"What worked?" I said, trying to sit up.

My head was screaming at me, pounding violently against my temples. I laid back onto the pillows, closing my eyes and rubbing at them, wishing this pain away.

"I found you after you took the pills so I had to force you to throw up. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. This is all my fault." She pulled me tighter, so tight I thought I might suffocate.

"Let up some, it hurts." I said, tapping her arm.

She immediately let go, sitting up to hover over me. I saw the red paint smeared across her arm and I realized it wasn't a dream. It was real.

Piper had drowned me.

"You shoved my head in the toilet." I said, everything rushing back all at once. "And why are you covered in paint?"

Piper laughed, rubbing at the paint on her arm and smearing it further.

"It's marker." She said. "And I'm sorry, it looks like it smeared on your shirt in my sleep."

I looked down at my shirt, seeing blotches of red and smiling.

In her sleep. She had stayed with me. Why was that just now clicking in my head?

"Is it morning?" I asked, glancing over at the window.

It was still pitch black out.

"Technically." She said, positioning her body against mine. "It's four am."

I rolled over, groaning as the pain in my head got stronger.

"My head is killing me."

I moved to take my shirt off, wanting to feel her skin against mine.

"No. Just lay still." She said, raising my shirt up and over my head. "There, is that better? Are you hot? My foster mom always got real hot and real sick after I did that to her. It's a trick I learned. Perks of living with addicts. Sophie taught me."

Did she think I was an addict?

"I'm not an addict, I just wanted to die." I said, aware of how awful it sounded to finally say it out loud instead of in my head.

"I know Ty. But you can't go dying on me."

I watched as Piper took her own shirt off and backed up into me, pulling my arm around her small frame. My hand roamed her stomach, feeling her to make sure this was all real, that she was back in my arms where she belonged.

"Thank you." I said, grateful that she had found me before it was too late.

I couldn't imagine what it would do to her to find me dead, how she would feel. Would she feel guilty about my death too?

"I'm sorry I put you through that." She said, "I just didn't want to lose someone else that I cared about."

I didn't say anything, I knew that she knew I was sorry. That I would take it all back if I could. If she didn't, she wouldn't be here with me right now.

"Get some rest, we can talk about it later okay?" She said, wiggling to get comfortable.

Her skin was warm on mine, pressed up against me completely. She kissed my hand and laid it gently across her chest, right on her scar.

My eyes closed, reality sinking away as I drifted off again into a dreamless sleep.

*

I woke to an empty bed, afraid that she had left me alone again. The smell of bacon and eggs permeated my nostrils as I sat up and put my feet on the floor.

I still felt a little out of it, the effects of last night still lingering.

Slowly but surely I made my way into the kitchen to see Piper dancing as she stirred eggs in a pan. She had earbuds in, probably so she wouldn't disturb my sleep.

I watched her for several moments, smiling at the carefree way she swayed to her music in nothing but a bra and a pair of ratty sweats. Her red hair was pulled back messily, cinched together with what looked like a twist tie that comes on packages of bread. There was a small dusting of freckles along the back of her neck and I wanted nothing more than to kiss them.

I took a few steps, walking up behind her and wrapping my arms around her waist, swaying along with her as my lips glided along the patch of freckles.

She pulled an earbud out, turning in my arms and standing on her tip toes to kiss me.

"Morning sleepy, did I wake you?"

I leaned down, capturing her in another kiss before answering.

"No, the smell of divine cooking did." I laughed, looking over her shoulder to the small feast she had prepared.

"Good, considering I forced you to empty your stomach last night."

I smiled down at her, running my fingers across her cheek. She really was the most alluring girl I'd ever laid eyes on.

"You're so beautiful." I said, lingering for a moment. "So beautiful and so thoughtful."

Her cheeks blushed red, as she turned away to keep me from staring.

With shaking hands she went back to cooking, finishing up the eggs and serving them to a plate. I could feel the nervousness radiating off her in waves.

"Here, eat and then we can talk." She handed me a plate, piled high with food.

I took it from her, walking to the small bar and sitting on the stool. She watched me as I ate, my confusion and disoriented thoughts swirling in my head. I was still a little hazy in what actually happened versus what was due to a drug induced haze.

I wanted to say so much, but I couldn't seem to form the words.

"Are we okay?" I choked out between bites. That was the one thing that mattered the most.

"Of course Ty." She brushed me off as if nothing had happened.

I'm left wondering if any of it really did.

"I was afraid to tell you my name. So instead I told you my middle name. I was afraid that you might be someone who knew me and knowing who I was would stop you from answering me. Turns out I was right about part of it."

She didn't say a word, she just pushed the food around her own plate. I wanted to shake her, to force her to speak. We were not ever going to get anywhere ignoring the elephant in the room.

"Piper." I said.

"It doesn't matter Ty. None of that matters, I over reacted." She snapped out, confusing me why she was angry about it.

"Damn it Piper it does matter. Your feelings matter to me. You matter to me." I said.

"You could have fooled me."

Why is she angry with me? This is a complete turn around from five minutes ago when she smiled and said we were okay.

"What does that even mean? Why are you angry?"

She swirled around on her stool, and her knees pressed into my thighs hard enough to knock me off balance. I had to catch myself on the counter to keep from falling in the floor.

"You tried to kill yourself. If my feelings mattered you wouldn't have done that Ty. Don't you think that would have destroyed me? To have two deaths on my hands? Knowing everything you know and you still did that, why?" The anger had subsided, replaced with hurt and betrayal.

I could see the pain in her eyes.

Because I didn't think. I thought I had lost you for good. Why can't I just say that?

I stared at her for a long time, willing the words to come out, willing any sound to come out, but nothing did.

"Just please tell me, why?" She asked again.

Her fingers gripped into my leg, anchoring me as if she thought I would bolt any second.

"You think my life is easy? You think I don't have hurts and past griefs that plague me? Well you're wrong. I didn't even tell you half of it. I'm just as broken as you are, and sometimes it's overwhelming. Sometimes I just want the noise to stop. You left me here remember? You are the one that ran out." I was practically yelling in her face and I didn't even understand why. This wasn't what I wanted to say to her. Everything came out wrong.

"You didn't come after me. You could have came after me."

I scoffed, turning my face away so I wouldn't have to see the hurt etched into her eyes. So I wouldn't have to face up to the fact I had been the one who hurt her. It was too much, much too soon.

"Why? So I could get rejected again? All you've ever done is reject me. I'd be stupid to do it again. Remember, I'm a dog who keeps coming back for more. Well not anymore. Just go. Stop leading me on if all you are going to do is reject me. I can't take anymore." I stood, walking away from her again and straight into my room, slamming the door behind me.

Fuck this. Fuck all of this.