It took weeks for my strength to return. At my insistence, I was left alone much of the time while the others went about their daily chores. Myra would come and talk to me sometimes. Korah liked to sit and tell me simple stories. Alian tried to get me to resume evening talks with him and Naomi, but I spurned all of his advances. Naomi urged him to be patient, while encouraging me to do as much as I could for myself. Gradually I learned my way around the roof. It would tax me just to make my way across the space, but I had nothing but time on my hands and could rest wherever I tired. I learned to cross to the water jar and dip water. I discovered how to pour it into both a bowl and a cup without spilling. This was no problem as long as no one minded my finger being momentarily inside their cup. I learned to take care of my own physical hygiene, but I remained dependent on others to empty my chamber pot. Naomi brought a hand mill to the roof and let me learn to grind grain. She brought a loom and helped me to weave by feel.

I soon recognized the tread of each member of the household. I also noticed that each had a distinct smell. I became adept at listening for the nuances in voices. Twice I warned Naomi that some of the boarders sounded like they were concealing something from her, after I overheard them talking in the courtyard below. Both times she discovered that the men were attempting to steal from the household, and they were sent away.

Eventually all of the bandages on the various parts of my body were removed, and my full strength returned. The last bandages to be removed were those on my eyes. After Naomi removed them, I asked to be left alone. I sat and explored my damaged face with my hands. I was so intent that I did not hear Alian approach.

"You are still beautiful, Salome," he offered softly.

"Do not lie to me, Alian," I countered harshly. "I am blind, not stupid. I suffered no brain damage. It would be better had I been left a simpleton."

He reached out and ran his finger down my nose. I batted his hand away, demanding that he leave me be.

"Not this time, Salome," he said with iron in his voice.

Again he reached out his hand to touch my face and again I tried to push him away. Suddenly I found myself pinned to the floor with Alian across my chest, my arms trapped by my sides. I thought to scream but would not give him the satisfaction of humiliating me. Instead I lay stoically, not moving a muscle, trying to show him my indifference.

Alian raised his free hand to my face. With his fingers, he gently followed the contours of my face. He ran his hand from the base of my jaw, up to the top of my cheek bone, following it to the top of my lip. He slowly traveled across my lips, around the other cheek bone and back down to my chin. Then he slowly ran his finger up my crooked nose and across one eyebrow, traversing my forehead, tracing the other eyebrow back to the top of my nose. I felt him playfully tweak my mended ear, before running his finger through my ear and around behind it. He then pushed my short hair, that had begun to grow in, back from my forehead and followed the scars left on my scalp. I steeled myself for him to caress my eyelids, the only part of my face left unexplored. Instead I felt his weight shift as he leaned forward, and I felt his lips softly brush my permanently closed eyelids.

While my eyeballs were mangled and the muscles in my lids no longer allowed them to open and close, my tear glands were unharmed. As I felt Alian slowly shift his weight away from my face, I felt the tell-tale trickle of hot tears on my cheeks.

"How could you so tenderly touch something so hideous," I choked out.

Softly he responded, "Ah, Salome. You cannot even see your face and yet you call it hideous. I have not lost my sight or my mind. Sure, I miss your beautiful eyes, except when they would shoot fire," he ended with a soft chuckle. "But your face is still expressive, you know. You try to be stoic, but your emotions still show on your face, at least to someone who knows you well."

"And I suppose you think you know me well," I responded.

"Not as well as I would like to," he said, "but pretty well, nevertheless."

"So what am I thinking now?" I asked with an edge in my voice.

"I wish that fool would let me up and leave me to mope," he replied as he sat up, setting my arms free. As I followed suit, he concluded, "It is time for you to stop brooding, Salome. Forgive Yahweh and get on with your life."

"Forgive Yahweh," I gasped. "He is the Almighty God."

"True," Alian countered. "But has that kept you from railing at Him for choosing to let you live? Has it stopped you from feeling betrayed after he permitted your acquittal and then let you be accosted? If you have done those things, then I suggest you need to forgive Him."

"But an Almighty God can do no wrong, Alian. How can I offer forgiveness to one who can do no wrong?"

"It is a paradox. The problem is not that He actually did anything wrong. The problem is that you do not understand what He did, and you do not trust Him enough to believe that what He did can turn out good. You praised him for forgiving you when you did not deserve it. So why not forgive Him when He does not need it?"

"And if I forgive Him, then what? Nothing will have changed."

"Nothing will have changed on the outside, Salome. But something will have changed in here," he noted, tapping his finger where my heart was.

I felt him rise.

"Wait, Alain," I called holding out my hand for him to help me up. When I was standing beside him, I said, "I do not deserve your friendship, Alian. Thank you. You have given me much to think about."

As he walked away, I thought I heard him mumble under his breath, "It is not your friendship I seek, Salome."

Now that I was sufficiently recovered to leave my bed, Alian fashioned rails for the stairs leading to all of the roofs. Just as I had learned to navigate around my roof, I began to learn to traverse the rest of the family's private living space. I sometimes joined Myra and Sallu, whose strength had also improved while I recuperated. I participated in the discussion of their wedding plans, happy that they would be marrying and staying in Hebron.

I learned to accept assistance from others. Talmai carved me a cane. When I reminded him that I was blind, not lame, he laughed his booming laugh and told me that I could wave it in front of me to keep from becoming lame. I had already run into or tripped over enough things that my bruised shins looked like a battle field. I ran my hands over the stick and discovered it was intricately carved. Even though I could not see it, my fingers told my mind what was carved there. From top to bottom, the cane was covered with eyeballs!

Matred cooked delicacies to tempt my appetite. Korah suggested I might want to help curry the horses. He told me that the great beasts would sense my handicap and submit to my touch. And he was right. The horses did seem to discern that I needed to be treated with gentleness. They allowed me to feel my way from one end to the other, seeming to enjoy my halting attempts with the currycomb. 

Judith brought questions to me concerning the running of the household, treating me the same as she had when I was sighted. Her no nonsense attitude did a great deal to assist in my recovery. I rose to the challenge of overseeing a household despite my handicap, gradually learning to adapt for the loss of vision.

Finally the day came when the test I had braced myself for came. Naomi suggested that I accompany her and Alian to the market.

"It is time, my dear," she said. "You must venture beyond these walls sometime. You have to show your accusers what you are made of by facing them without bitterness."

"And how do you suggest I do that?" I asked caustically. "I am sightless because of them. All I will do is appease their curiosity. They want to see what a freak they have created."

"Then they will be disappointed. You are no freak. You are a beautiful and capable young woman. What is more, you have the opportunity to show them that Yahweh was right to christen you Salome. You can heap burning coals on their heads by showing them a glowing Salome rather than a hostile Delilah."

But I was not ready. I did not take Naomi's dare. Instead, I sent Alian and her off to market, planning to retreat to my roof and sulk. As I made my way across the courtyard, Myra hailed me from Alian's rooftop, telling me that she and Sallu wanted to speak with me.

When I topped the stairs, Myra clutched my hand and led me to the corner where Sallu sat beneath the awning, working on a bench for their new home. While I could see neither of them, I could feel the tension in the air.

"Just spit it out," I said dryly. "I do not know why you called me here, but your anxiety is palpable."

Laughing hollowly, Sallu said, "So it is true that when you lose one sense, the others are heightened. You are right, Salome; we are edgy. We want to be wed here in your home and for you to act as hostess. Neither of us has a mother who is willing to fulfill that function. We feel like we are indebted to you for bringing us together. It was because you were intent on finding Myra that your true identity was revealed. You and Naomi and Alian are our family now."

"But of course," I started to respond, but Myra cut in.

"Please, Salome, do not answer hastily. Think about what we are asking before you reply. Although there will not be throngs of people here, we hope that a few will want to celebrate the occasion with us. Weigh the consequences before you agree. We will understand if you decide to deny our request. We love you."

And so I went to my roof not to sulk but to think. My initial reaction to Myra's speech was to suppose that they felt obligated to ask me, but provided a convenient escape. I knew deep down, though, that this assumption was simply my own insecurity trying to provide a convenient out. As I replayed the conversation in my head, I listened to the sincere tones and loving concern in their voices, and I was deeply touched that Myra and Sallu wanted me to play the role of hostess.

I also was disturbed by what accepting that honor would entail. It would mean opening my home to people. Though I knew that the guests Sallu and Myra chose to invite would not be those who attacked me, just the thought of being in the midst of a crowd was unnerving. Just thinking about crowds almost threw me into a panic. My breathing became shallow. I felt light headed. My chest tightened like someone was applying a vise. My palms became clammy, and it felt like tiny bugs were invading my skin. My fingers started to turn numb. Dropping my head into my hands, I tried to take deep calming breaths. I was so focused on fighting the terror I felt, I did not hear Alian approach.

I felt his hand on my shoulder and his voice came as though through a fog. "Salome. Salome. Talk to me, Salome."

When I remained frozen in my dejected pose, he knelt in front of me and grasped my wrist, pulling one hand away from my head and lifting my chin. Running his knuckles across my cheek, he said, "Talk to me. Tell me what is wrong."

As the veil of fear began to lift, I managed to choke out, "Sallu and Myra want to have their wedding here. They want me to act as hostess."

"And?" he questioned.

"And I don't know if I can. When Naomi asked me to accompany you to the market, I focused on her inference that I must refrain from bitterness. But after Myra and Sallu asked me to think about what agreeing to act as hostess would entail, I realized that I turned down Naomi's offer because I am afraid. The thought of being in the midst of a press of people terrifies me. When I thought about a mass of humanity, it was like I faced a mob all over again."

"Aside from the fear, would you like to be hostess?" he asked.

"Aside from the fear?" I echoed. "Alian, there is no 'aside' from this fear. It is an all consuming horror. But, yes, if it were not for the dizziness, nausea, difficulty breathing, and overwhelming dread, I would love to act as hostess to Myra and Sallu."

"Then we will have to find a way to best the terror," Alian answered.

Ignoring my protestations, Alian began to outline a plan of action that he dubbed the panic attack, in his way of using humor to trivialize something that appeared overpowering. He suggested that we start with horseback riding.

When I questioned what horseback riding had to do with fear of crowds, he explained that we would ride horses through town before exiting by the more distant south gate. Thus, I would be in the midst of people but above them, giving me a feeling of control since I would not be surrounded.

"But, Alian," I argued. "I am blind."

"Your horse isn't," he answered. "And I will have a lead rope attached. All you have to do is hang on."

While I wasn't so sure about his dubious sounding plan, I did trust the horses. I had become fast friends with the little mare that Alian had bought for our flight from Zorah. I agreed to ride her around and around the courtyard to learn how to sit on a horse without falling. Myra and Alian became my tutors. Soon they pronounced that I was ready to venture beyond our enclave.

The morning of our initial outing, I arose early and went to the stalls in the back. I brushed Reba, as I had named the petite roan mare, and poured out my heart to her. I whispered of my fear and told her that I was entrusting her with my life. By the time the rest of the house awoke, I had reached an understanding with the little mare and felt confident that she somehow sympathized with my plight.

After a light breakfast, Alian and I mounted the horses and headed out into the town of Hebron. This was the first time I had been outside our home since the beating. While our home was busier than most, it still was calm compared to the city. I had become accustomed to the relative quiet of our household. Immediately after we left the back gates of the house, my senses were assaulted. I smelled the dank, soured odor of refuge in the back alley. I heard the yowling of two angry cats as they fought over some tidbit. As we rounded the corner into the larger main street, I heard the creak of wagon wheels and the curses of a driver trying to get a mule to follow directions. The aroma of fresh baked bread mingled with the smell of animal sweat. The high pitched voices of women on their way to the well suddenly silenced as they caught sight of us. As we wound our way through the market place, I heard the sounds of canvas being unfurled, pottery clinking, and laughing banter. Then the noise of the city faded, and I felt the heat of the sun on my head and the breeze against my cheeks. I smelled fresh mown hay.

I could feel Reba's muscles tense as though she wanted to take off. I could empathize with her because I wanted to gallop away from this place – as far away as I could ride. As though in response to my unspoken yearning, Alian called, "Hold on tight, Salome. We're going for a run."

The exhilaration of that few minutes of speed brought a smile to my face and delight to my heart. The wind whipped my mantle and snatched at my veil. I leaned into it, reveling in the feel of Reba's muscles beneath me. All too soon, I heard Alian's command of "Whoa," and felt the horse obediently begin to slow.

"Its okay, Alian," I called breathlessly. "I was fine. Let them gallop some more."

"Not today, Salome," Alian responded with a chuckle. "We are nearing the east gate of Hebron. We cannot risk staying outside the city for long. I'm afraid even these fine specimens would have trouble weaving their way through the market at break neck speed."

"Oh," I said with a sigh. "Must we go back into the city so quickly?"

"The whole purpose of this outing is to get you accustomed to being in crowds again," Alain pointed out. "Besides, it is not exactly proper decorum for you and me to be riding alone."

"I suppose," I replied.

The ride back through Hebron took longer than I expected. Going was much slower now that the market was open and people were out and about. Alian called cheerfully to several of the merchants and all answered, seemingly delighted to see him. I listened carefully for rancor in their tones but heard none. While no one spoke directly to me, it was no surprise. Men did not address women in public. While women chattered on their trek to well and back, when in the presence of men, silence was the rule.

I was surprised to hear Alian command the horses to halt. As I sat stiffly atop Reba in the midst of the market, Alian alighted and began to barter with a merchant for our daily table fair. He slung some sacks of vegetable over my horse, behind where I rode, and then gave me a sack to hold. From the smell, I knew that I had the unenviable task of lugging home freshly slaughtered chickens. While tempted to take offense at this odious task, I knew that I had an advantage over most women. If a woman and man were in the market together, the woman was expected to carry the purchases. If the two were fortunate enough to own a beast of burden, he would ride, and she would walk behind. Only if the basket balanced on her head was overflowing and she carried bags in each hand, would the man condescend to help with the toting. If Alian had treated me any differently, tongues would have wagged. My lofty perch could be explained by my lack of sight, but there was no plausible explanation if Alian carried the purchases. The fact that he and I were in the market without Naomi as chaperone was enough fodder for the gossip mill. So I sat statuesque, focused on Alian's ruse rather than on the crowds milling below. While my heart raced and my skin felt clammy, this fright paled when compared to what I had felt on the roof.

When we reached the house, I gladly relinquished my burdens to Judith. I could hear the suppressed mirth in her voice as she asked how the outing went. When I turned my now furious expression towards the sound of her voice, she burst into laughter.

"I have to hand it to you, Alian," she chortled. "Making her carry chickens was pure genius. If the look on her face is any indication, I wager she was so mad at you, she didn't have time to think about all them people."

Her amusement proved contagious. Imagining how I must look, sitting haughtily on my high horse, I began to giggle. As I convulsed with laughter, I grabbed Reba's mane to keep from falling. Taking this for an invitation to move, the little mare started forward and then shied skittishly as the slack guide rope tangled in her hooves. As Alian unceremoniously snatched me from the animal, Korah grabbed the horse's bridal, speaking in soothing tones. I found myself slung over Alian shoulder. As he stepped back from the mare, his foot landed squarely on my mantle that was now hanging down behind him. He desperately struggled to stay aright, while I thrashed about in an effort to raise myself from my precarious position. I heard Talmai's booming voice call out, "Hold on missus!" Then I felt a jolt as my backside, along with Alian, slammed into Talmai's rock solid chest. I felt Sallu's hands steady us as Naomi said sardonically, "Perhaps next time you should dismount before entering the courtyard."

And so my first outing came to an undignified end. As I collapsed in gales of laughter, I heard Alian's guffaws join mine. Soon the courtyard was filled with merriment. As the pitch of our laughter grew, in my mind's eye I saw Alian's face on our first meeting in Hebron, his deep brown eyes sparkling with merriment, the lines around them crinkling, and his lips curving into a smile. As I gasped for air between chuckles, I suddenly knew what my heart had hidden from me for so long. I loved Alian.