Well, i'm back home,my safe area, my empire, here i feel powerful because no one is around,my small room fells empty, cold and depressing, but i won't trade it for anything... my mask fells off, i feel relaxed even if i'm sure that my thoughts will ruin this state for me... anyways, i get confortable in my old pyjs, i lay on my bed and Let the Hunger Games begin....
Today my sadness was aboit social media, the monster that eats our happiness like cookies in a beautiful morning. I do have few fan accounts on twitter, some on instagram. I always try to spread good vibes throught them, i try to make people's day better, i wish i could draw the smile i've lost on their pale faces, but i am afraid, what if, one day, somebody could reconize me, i know it's impossible, i've never posted a picture of me, but what if.. wouldn't him be disapointed? Wouldn't him imagine a more appealling person? A beautiful face instead of my blank one? It makes me feel bad for them..
Whenever i look in the mirror, i can't see the model that posts 100 of pictures and gets 1000 of likes
( you are beautiful, you are skin goals,makeup on point....) and the list of comments goes on and on. The only good comment i've ever heard was from my dead grandma, i still remember when she told me : you are beautiful like the stars in a dark night, all i could hear was : you are a dark night and there is a star of hope shinning porely. Yeah, that explains my anxiety, is it a disorder? Im not really sure, im tired of people dignosing me, saying they can cure me, assuming they undrestand me, my misery, They don't..
Im tired of looking in the mirror and hating what i see, i am not skinny, i don't have collar bones or a fine jawline, i don't even have a thigh gap, everybody freaks out about them.
No matter how hard i've tried, i never had what i strived for, so i get more depressed and as i get more depressed, i eat more and sleep less, it's an infinit circl of me getting fatter and fatter. All my favourit outfits are in there, the corner of my closet gathering dust, waiting for me to have mercy and throw them out, maybe they think it's better than staying here, i know that they will feel ashamed on a body like mine....
          END OF CHAPTER 3