Hiii bestiesss!

Okay so...I've never been so emotional writing a chapter. It is the LONGEST I've ever written, so be prepared. Grab some snacks and a box of tissues (you'll need it).

It took me a long time to write this one for many reasons, so I'd like to apologise for taking forever in posting it.

Do follow me on the little blue bird app, because I post teasers there 😌

And oh, if you haven't noticed, NEW COVER (and for my other books as well), and the chapter pics. I figured it was time for a little change. How do you like it (them)?

Many song selections for this chapter, check them out in the little music icon.

Anyway, without further ado, I hope you enjoy this one, my precious rosy tulips 🌷

♬ ✥*

Serenity.

I missed Harry's birthday.

I missed Harry.

I missed the man who broke my heart.

I missed the man I love.

But that same man betrayed me.

Even if we had the slightest chance of being together, how could I ever trust him again? How would I be able to know that he was truthful with anything he said again? What if it all turns out to be another lie?

It was hard to think about, but the only thing that was on my mind. Harry clouded my thoughts entirely, and he made it impossible for me to dare have anything else cross them.

Things were even worse because everyone started to tiptoe around me, afraid I would break. Yes, I was emotionally fragile, but I wasn't that crushed.

Or was I?

Just over four weeks had passed, and it's still tough. Not much has changed, except for the fact that I could fall asleep quicker, but I'd still wake up in the middle of the night with a dream about the man I still love.

I could enter my apartment and start to avoid anything that reminded me of him — but how?

Only by looking at the ground.

Harry's small closet was still sitting in my living room, and I hadn't bothered to touch it. Multiple times Milo and Amara told me that it was time I take it down, and they'd take back the clothes to him, but I'd refuse it.

Maybe — yes — something was wrong with me for doing that.

Usually, a person who's had their heartbroken by the person they love, to get over them, they'd get rid of everything that reminds them of said person. They'd take all their stuff, throw it in a box, and basically throw it at them — or just trash or burn it.

But that would be too extreme.

Nonetheless, I decided that I wasn't normal.

I mean, Harry didn't cheat me to do any of that; however, he didn't cheat on me with someone else. I supposed marrying his work was more than enough for him. Maybe it was worth it for him, and he really didn't want someone by his side.

However, two weeks without seeing him made everything more painful. As much as I didn't want to see him, deep down inside, I did; but that last time didn't help. Looking at him the way I did, seeing how he stood, was the complete opposite of he normally held himself.

Harry was strong, powerful, and held his ground. But the man I saw was weak, helpless, and barely seemed like the CEO I knew him to be.

In all honesty, I was afraid because of that.

But even during this rough time, I still went to a shop and bought a present that I thought would be absolutely perfect for him — well, two shops and two gifts.

One was stashed in the depth of my closet, and the other was in my childhood bedroom. I figured those were safe hiding spots that Harry wouldn't have checked — especially because he had his own little wardrobe. We even had a mini argument about it.

"That's what it's called, darling. I don't understand 'closet.' It makes no fucking sense," he mocked in a faux Canadian accent.

"First of all, H, never talk like that again," I said, snickering. "And second, that's just what it is. You've lived in this country for a decade now, so learn how things are actually called. Third, you're offending this nation by saying that."

"Oh fuck off, E. Canada has the Queen on its bills. This nation is part of the British Commonwealth. Once that changes, we'll have a different talk about this."

"Did you just tell me to f-off?"

"Yeah." He smirked, running his tongue along his bottom lip. "What are you gonna do about it, Miss Hayes? You gonna deport me?"

"I mean, that's possible —"

"Nu, uh," he tutted. "You can't. I'm a Canadian citizen."

Pursing my lips, I narrowed my eyes at him. "You're testing my patience, Mr Styles."

"No, I wouldn't want to do that. Would I?" Harry said with a shit-eating grin.

"Asshole," I muttered.

"Oh, look at that. My sweet, innocent petal has a foul mouth. Not sure if I like that," he spoke.

"Says the man who swears like a sailor," I remarked.

"I thought you love my dirty mouth, Essie." His tone was deep and sultry as he neared me. "Rude, improper, and downright filthy."

Shaking my head. "No. I do not. Now stop with that smirk. You know I'm weak for that."

"I know." He smiled, wrapping his arms around my waist. "But I'm weak for you. So that makes us even."

"Great."

"Great," he whispered, "Now, let's test that lie about you not liking my dirty mouth because I'm sure you're already w—"

"Shut up," I said before kissing him hard.

Swallowing, I pushed back the tears as I recalled that precious memory we shared. We had so many of those.

I had Harry's gift both wrapped in metallic paper, a tulip print all over it. My heart broke that I couldn't give it to him. It pained my soul that I couldn't spend his special day with him. I knew that it would've been the first time he actually would've had a birthday worth remembering and one that he would treasure forever; however, this time, it was his fault that caused this hurt.

Hurt for me.

Hurt for him.

I'd told him to leave that dreadful day, and he left.

But he wasn't giving up on trying to win me back.

When he told me to check my phone, I knew that there was so much more in it than just a few texts or voicemails to call him back. It was deeper and meaningful, and it was easy to tell by the tone of his voice. It just continued to echo in my ears, even if it was two weeks ago.

Nonetheless, I knew that Harry Styles wouldn't give up easily, and this was something amongst all the rest. Even though it wasn't business, the personal aspect of it made it much more important — or so I hoped.

All of my emotions and feelings, the worries, the lack of happiness, my physical state were all a disaster.

And that's what led Amara to suggest coming to her family's cabin for a few days. Destiny watched over her sister's shoppe and took care of Luna, while my instructors helped me out by taking over my classes.

It was honestly the exact thing that I needed. Mars knew me better than I knew myself sometimes — and that was vice versa.

Being together for years on end, our friendship was stronger than titanium. No one or nothing could tear it apart.

Unfortunately, a couple of her exes tried to ruin it because they said I was 'toxic' and 'needy.' Needless to say that they were both dumped faster than anyone could say 'cookie.'

Amara's sayings have been written down to a T while growing up — and that was literal. When we were young, we were sitting in the mall's food court whilst our mom's got us some food. A few guys were sitting at the table next to us, chatting about their relationships. Mars, being that girl sometimes, decided to listen. To be fair, they weren't that quiet either. The summary of it all, one said to his friend, "bro's before hoes."

We didn't understand what it really meant until later, but she definitely wasn't happy.

Ever since, she always says, "sisters before misters."

Which was apparently a thing before we found out it was a saying that already existed. My friend thought she made it up, but still claims that she invented the phrase.

But either way, it was true.

When we drove up north, we were practically isolated in the mountains. The weather was colder, chillier to our bones, blueing to our lips, and redder to our skin.

Two whole weeks that we lived in this special cabin. In the mornings, we'd make our breakfast together, cook something from the food we brought with us, and sit by the fire in the evenings drinking a glass of wine or a cup of tea.

Fresh powder dusted the ground and trees yesterday, so we spent several hours tossing snowballs, making angels, and building little igloos. It was something that neither of us had done in years — we acted like children without any worries in the world.

"Why the fuck is adulting so hard?" she chuckled, after a hitting striking a bullseye at my head. "This is so much better!"

"Not sure," I replied, then threw one only to hit her arm.

"Ha! Missed, bitch!" But that grin didn't last long when one struck her face, and a boisterous laugh left my mouth with success.

Afterwards, we went into the hot tub — one thing that she always pressured me to do. I hated getting in and out with the temperature change, but she told me to stop acting like a 'baby.' Every, damn, time.

Then we made a pasta dish with the minimal food that remained. We only had a couple days left until we had to return to our everyday lives, so we were taking our time to relax and just chill.

That led us cosied up on the couch, across from one another, a glass of wine in my hand, a cup of tea in hers. Two separate throws covered our bodies, feeling the warmth through the fabric

"Are you going to turn your phone on?" she asked, holding onto her warm tea.

I ran a hand over my face, groaning. "Do I have to?"

"It's been over a month. I think you should." Her tone was light as she laughed.

But we both knew that it was far from a funny situation.

I might've — definitely — taken too long to do this, but it was necessary. There was no doubt that someone would call me crazy or childish for ignoring my phone for so long. I wasn't too sure if it was considered 'running away from my problems' or just a form of letting my broken heart heal. Mars and I agreed it was the latter.

Plus, she was always on my side no matter what.

Well, except for the time, I wore an outfit that did not match for a party we went to. That time, Amara told me something that I'd never forget — or make the same mistake twice.

"Bitch, you could pull off wearing a garbage bag anywhere, and you'd be the hottest girl there. But I swear, if you leave the house looking like a 90s freak that teleported to the 1800s with that plaid dress, you will be humiliated for the rest of the school year — and maybe longer. I don't want my friend bullied, and that thing will do that to you," she said, a hand on her hips, then grinned. "Now, take it off so I can burn it. It'll keep us warm."

We brought up several memories between us while we were here. She wanted to let our minds be at utter ease.

And that's the simple reason why we brought several bottles of wine with us, food to keep us alive, and any other essential necessities.

When we were younger, our families always came up here during a time in our winter break. It was another one of the many traditions that we simply couldn't break.

But then it broke when her parents died in a car accident several years ago.

We took Mars and Destiny in without a word because they were already a part of our family. The pain that they went through was harder than I could imagine. They loved them so much — as did we.

We'd take turns and go back to either mine or hers for lunch hour. Their mom would make us the most delicious turkey sandwiches and feed us with everything healthy. Of course, without forgetting a slice of her heavenly chocolate cake. It was something that I could never say no to.

Sometimes, when I felt like I couldn't talk to Mars or my mom, she'd be there, and I'd always go to her. I let out my emotions and say things that I felt I couldn't speak to anyone else, and she never told a soul. The loyalty and love that she gave to everyone was a gift that was unique just for her.

My dad took it hard when their father passed. The two were so close, almost like brothers, and did everything together. They were incredible parents and friends to everyone — and the community loved them.

People who still are missed.

I saw how the look on Amara's face when we entered, an expression that was one of both agony and happiness. It was a place that connected her with her parents and one that she could never get rid of. When the lawyer brought up the cabin to Mars and Destiny, they fumed, saying that they knew the will mentioned it would never be sold for any circumstances.

The sisters were close to a point where they almost had to so they could live, but the entire community pitched in to help them until they could get back on their feet. All of that money was paid back in full.

She checked that the person who took care of the place made sure that everything was in working order before we arrived.

I stayed silent so she could take in the space that neither of us had entered for several years.

Wood surrounded us entirely, the lodge encompassing us with a warm embrace. Though the cold was nipping outside, the familiar feeling of comfort and home was there to greet us with open arms.

Brown furniture with caramel leather hugging the cushions. Countless pillows and throws were of nude and dark tones kept the style together. The wood-burning fireplace was a statement, as the beautiful stonework bordered it, the hearth matching perfectly.

It was my favourite part about the cabin.

The fireplace was so much more than just something to heat up a room.

Amara slowly flicked on the lights, and we saw every detail and memory that she lived here. I saw those memories flashback in her eyes. She loved that present moment, remembering all of the good, cherishing times we had together.

Hearing the crackling of the firewood burning as the scent drifted inside brought a content smile to our faces. Minimal lights were turned on, the vivid rusty and golden hues flickering as they illuminated the darkness. Our shadows deepened, but it only made everything so much more intimate. It brought everyone together to stay close to the flames to stay warm. A blanket would cover one of us along with a friend as we held on a cup of cider or hot chocolate. Grins and laughs were many as we shared old stories.

I saw that little glimpse of pain and misery from the bits of when her parents were with us.

Nothing stopped me from moving to place my arms around her, pulling her in a tight embrace. "I miss them, too, Mars," I'd whispered softly.

Breaking my thoughts, I took a sip from my wine as I shook my head at her question. My finger absentmindedly drew along the rim, before quickly pulling my hand away remembering a certain someone who occasionally did the same.

"Want to check it for me?" My eyes met hers with a hopeful smile.

"Not a damn chance," she said, snorting a laugh. "Your phone, your messages, your life, your relationship."

My lips sucked in at her words. "Rephrase that last word, would ya?"

"Oh, my mistake, ex-relationship," her tone was sarcastic.

"You're quite subtle to keep you sarcasm at bay."

"Ren, I love you, but I'm going to push you with this." She sighed. "I know Harry fucked up bad, but you owe it to both of you to see what he has to say."

"But—"

"No damn buts, check your phone." Her tone was demanding.

"I mean, it's been a month. I'll have to wait until it's charg—"

"I did that earlier today. It's still off, though," Amara spoke with a grin, hiding it behind her mug.

"Well, aren't you just full of surprises," I sarcastically smiled.

Leaning across the couch, she grabbed my phone and tossed it over to me.

With a deep sigh and shaky hands, I turned on the device, with my heart was pounding as the screen lit up. Every second made the nerves throughout my body increase tremendously. I set my wine glass on the table and waited for the background to pop up.

And when it did, I wished I never saw it.

The picture of Harry and I were just smiling at the carnival, changed to the one where he kissed me on my cheek. I always said to myself that it was the one I'd choose if we ever got together — and we did.

Now, it only made my heart break more.

The happiness that we shared that day was something entirely unforgettable. I felt butterflies in my stomach when he unexpectedly kissed me — and it was the day I fell madly, deeply in love with him.

Until this very moment, that feeling never faded.

But then the notifications started popping up.

Well over one hundred.

Text messages, missed calls, and voicemails — one after another, after another.

The speed was too quick for me to even try and keep up with. It was easy to say that I knew I'd need a long time to go through each of them — and surely with a rough emotional struggle.

As soon as the vibrations stopped, I turned my head to see Amara already looking at me with a sympathetic expression.

"You can do this, Ren. I'm right here next to you," she spoke softly. "Unless you want me to go upst—"

"No," I quickly interrupted. "Don't go."

Mars scooted over a little bit more, so she could hold my hand, squeezing it gently. "Then I'm right here."

Slowly, I lifted my phone up properly, unlocking it as I tapped at the messages app. His name was right at the top — as he was in my heart. Hundreds of messages were beside his name, and my nerves were on overdrive. It seemed like a perfect time to expect the unexpected.

Were they going to be good? Bad? Even more heartbreaking?

Well, the answer to that was simple — yes.

Nervously, though, I pressed on it only to see everything he had to say. They were all in individual bubbles, and it only reminded me of the time he commented about how I did that.

Do you tend to send multiple texts at once? He'd texted me once.

Ouchies.

Back when things between us were so much simpler. If only I could go back to the past; but then, I wouldn't have known that Harry cheated my heart like that. The damage would've already been done, and I'd have to go through this same broken feeling again.

Maybe the present is better.

With a deep breath, I scrolled all the way to the top of when the mess started.

2020 - October 2nd, 12:02 AM
Tiger 🐯

Serenity, I'm so fucking sorry. Please forgive me.
H x

The way my whole body stung when I saw the message. I pushed everything in me to change his name under the contact information. I felt Amara's hand smooth across my arm, knowing as she read the message because of my action.

2020 - October 2nd, 12:07 AM
My Tiger Who Broke My Heart 🥺💔

Shit, no. You hate when I end with my name.
Or was the 'H' not part of it?
Maybe it's the 'x'?
I'm sorry...
For everything

The 'H' was cute, Harry. I also missed how he'd also sign the texts with my favourite tiger emoji. I'm incredibly thankful that he didn't.

2020 - October 2nd, 12:09 AM
My Tiger Who Broke My Heart 🥺💔

No, fuck.
I just realised that I'm sending single texts like you do.
You've changed my life like no other, Serenity.
I'm sorry I fucked up.
So fucking sorry.

Please, Harry.

Stop breaking my heart.

But he couldn't help it.

I just knew that turning off my phone was the right thing to do.

2020 - October 3rd, 3:24 AM
My Tiger Who Broke My Heart 🥺💔

Pleaz bby frogve me
O thik I'm drnk
Fck

Oh, Harry.

He'd never done anything like that before; at least, not with me. I knew he was an occasional drinker, and enjoyed a glass of whiskey, especially after a long day. And sometimes, he'd sip on wine with certain meals, but he never was close to being tipsy. He was a man who held his liquor well, so it surprised me.

A lot surprised me.

2020 - October 4th, 10:01 AM
My Tiger Who Broke My Heart 🥺💔

Fuck. I have a hangover.
I'm sorry for texting you last night.
Please forgive me.
That was inexcusable.
A lot of what I did was inexcusable.

Yes, Harry. You're absolutely right.

2020 - October 5th, 6:45 AM
My Tiger Who Broke My Heart 🥺💔

I miss having breakfast with you.
It's not the same without you.
I also miss that fucking tea you bring me.
I miss you.
I'm sorry.

I miss having breakfast with you, too.

2020 - October 5th, 3:15 PM
My Tiger Who Broke My Heart 🥺💔

Your brother came to see me.
I'm sure you found out.
I know you didn't tell him to come.
He's so protective over you.
Everything he said was right.
I'm fucking pathetic.

As Milo should; but no, you're not pathetic.

I knew Harry could easily backfire when he was mad, and say the worst of remarks at my brother; however, he remained silent as he took the harsh hits. It was all verbal, and I was stunned when he returned and told me that Mr CEO said absolutely nothing in response.

Without a doubt, though, I'm sure he was furious afterwards.

I felt bad for every single person who dealt with him for the rest of that day.

It was in Harry's nature to backlash anyone who dared to be rude to him. Deep down inside, he hated doing it, but he still did it. I mean, I was the biggest example.

"Who the fuck are you? And what are you doing in my office?"

He was fuming, but I never let his rage affect me.

"Hi, I'm Serenity Hayes. I'm here to propose a small business that you can invest in." I'd smiled.

The way he looked at me was spiteful and only made me so much more anxious, but I pushed past it.

But...it didn't go well.

"What kind of name is Serenity? That's a noun, not a name," he'd seethed, waiting a couple of seconds before speaking again, "I'm not an average or top investor in this company. I'm the fucking CEO."

And that's when I knew he was the smuggest and most arrogant man I'd ever met.

He was also the sweetest man I'd ever met.

Even though I still can't forget how much his words stung me, but I managed to overlook that first encounter.

I forgave him for how he acted when he pushed me away before we started dating, but I didn't know if it would be possible to do so. It wasn't just my feelings that caused my pain. He brutally attacked my mind by believing that I wouldn't be successful — and that I'd take his money.

That hurt.

2020 - October 6th, 8:59 PM
My Tiger Who Broke My Heart 🥺💔

Just tried to make dinner for myself.
I thought I'd try to see if I can do something you could be proud of me for...
Even though I messed up.
It didn't work out.
I need to buy a new stove.
Don't know what that fuck I did wrong.
But I know I fucked up the best thing I had in my life.
My favourite person.
You.
I'm sorry.

You were the best thing and person in my life, Harry. Everything we both did together was more of a dream come true. All of the memories we shared made it seem like I was in a daze, living something that I was craving for so long — a love worth cherishing forever.

It was a one-way street, though.

I always wanted to fall in love and feel that indescribable feeling that Aladdin felt for Jasmine. I wanted to experience that adventure that Rapunzel had with Eugene. I wanted that risk that Ariel took just to be with Eric. I wanted to take an exciting and nerve-racking decision like Cinderella did to have a romantic moment to dance with Prince Charming. I wanted to learn so many new things that Belle did with the Beast.

All of my favourite characters lived lives that had thrilling sensations and escapades that they loved dearly.

But they were only movies. I wanted to have the real thing.

And when I did, I got stung just as bad as Thomas did in My Girl. The tears that fell out of my eyes that night Harry and I watched it together were greater than the water flows in Niagara Falls.

I blinked back the fresh desperate to cascade down my cheeks.

"Essie, are you okay?" Harry asked, looking at me with a worried expression. I could tell that his beautiful emerald gems were glossy, holding in the same feelings.

"Do I look okay?" I pointed towards the television with a crumpled Kleenex in my hand. "I loved him. He was so precious."

"You l-loved him?" he said softly, brushing hair from my face. I knew I looked like a mess, but he still looked like I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.

"Who wouldn't?" I replied, removing my glasses to wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.

"Don't cry, baby." His tone was soft, shifting slightly so he could kiss my cheeks and just under my sapphire blues. "Never want to see you cry, Essie. Those tears mean everything to me, and I don't want you to ever be upset. Don't want my Starlight to ever dim."

But Harry made me cry. He made me go dull and never want to shine bright again.

2020 - October 7th, 5:09 PM
My Tiger Who Broke My Heart 🥺💔

Archie accidentally told me he stopped by to see you.
I'm glad he did.
I hope you're doing well.
I'm sorry again.

I'm sorry too, Harry.

For trusting you.

For knowing you.

For loving you.

2020 - October 8th, 7:22 PM
My Tiger Who Broke My Heart 🥺💔

So your mum came by.
Well, I didn't actually see her.
The coffee she made me was great...
I'm sure you know what everything that happened.
I shouldn't even have gotten mad.
I deserved it all.

Yeah, you definitely did.

2020 - October 10th, 11:16 AM
My Tiger Who Broke My Heart 🥺💔

I'm at work.
It's Saturday, but it's the only thing in my life right now.
But you're all I'm thinking about.

You're all I think about too.

I couldn't stop myself from skimming the rest of his messages. Each one hurt more and more. The pain that I felt was excruciating as my eyes glazed over the screen.

Amara's hand was still placed on my arm until I felt it slide off. When I turned to look at her, she'd shifted into a soft slumber. Her head rested on the back cushion, finished drink on the table. Slowly, I lifted the throw to cover her a bit more, letting my eyes focus on a particular set of messages.

2020 - October 17th, 10:49 PM
My Tiger Who Broke My Heart 🥺💔

You looked beautiful tonight.
I'm sorry I showed up like that.
I didn't think properly.
I just had to see you and talk to you. I knew it probably wouldn't have ended in my favour, though.
I miss you.
I'm sorry, Serenity.
Fuck.
Miss Hayes.
I don't even know anymore what to call you.
Or if I'm allowed to, that is.

I don't know what to say to that, either, Harry.

Skim.

2020 - October 19th, 8:40 AM
My Tiger Who Broke My Heart 🥺💔

Serenity, I'm so fucking sorry. Please forgive me.

I don't know if I can.

Skim.

2020 - October 21st, 1:21 AM
My Tiger Who Broke My Heart 🥺💔

I miss you.
Fuck, I miss you so much.
I can't sleep without you.
I'm sorry.

I can't sleep without you too, Harry.

Skim.

And then my heart broke even more.

2020 - October 25th, 3:18 AM
My Tiger Who Broke My Heart 🥺💔

I'm in Toronto.
I want to see your face like the last time.
I know it won't happen.
But I miss you.
Please answer me.
I doubt you will, but please.
I'm at a point where I don't even know you're getting them anymore.
I hope you are, though.
Fuck, please.
Just, please.

He's tearing my heart in two. Reading these messages was absolutely killing me. But when I saw the next set of texts, it made my soul cry in agony.

The memories flooded back like they were yesterday.

"How's London?" I interrupted him, knowing that he was still nervous from my call. I knew he was warming up to it, though.

"London is London. I want to go home."

My brows furrowed as I tucked my knees up to my chest. Luna was staring at me from across the living room, giving me a soft meow. "I thought you grew up there."

Harry let out a sad and short laugh before replying, "I did, but I never said it was home."

Sucking in my lips, I hesitantly asked. "So, where's your home then?"

He was silent for a while, pondering his answer, and my heart anxiously pounded as I awaited his response.

Clearing his throat, he answered, "Vancouver."

Remember when I was in London, and I called you for the first time?
Fuck, I'd never done that before just to talk.
Especially since it was late for me. I didn't even know if you'd pick up.
I mean, why would anyone do that?
It's just me, and no one gives a shit or cares about me.

I care about you, but you hurt me.

Anyway, you were on my mind for so long, and I just had to hear your voice.
I was so happy and nervous that you answered.
I had fucking butterflies in my stomach.
First time I felt that way in forever.
But then you asked me where my home was, and I told you that it was Vancouver.
I didn't tell the whole truth.
It was you. You're my home.
I knew the answer right away, but I was scared to say anything else.
I'd just barely recognised my feelings towards myself. I didn't know what to do with them, though.
I adore you, Serenity Marie Hayes.
Just let me adore you.
It's the only thing I'll forever do.

I more than adore you, Harry. I love you.

2020 - October 25th, 3:47 AM
My Tiger Who Broke My Heart 🥺💔

I miss you.
I'm going to keep trying to win you back.

But then, several tears cascaded down my cheeks, and I skimmed again.

2020 - October 30th, 10:59 AM
My Tiger Who Broke My Heart 🥺💔

I can't focus at work.
The BOD have been talking about removing me from my position.
This has never happened before. I'm fucking losing it.
I know it's not your fault. It's all mine.
I miss you, Essie.
Sorry.
I meant Serenity.
It's a habit I can't stop.
Or should it be Miss Hayes?
Fuck.

I don't even know anymore either.

Skim.

2020 - November 2nd, 12:01 AM
My Tiger Who Broke My Heart 🥺💔

I'm 29. I feel older.
I want to grow old with you.
But I can't. Not with what I did.
If I could take it all back, I would.
Please forgive me.

That was the last message I received from him.

He didn't even need to send me a text to let me know it was his special day — it was imprinted in my memory since the first time he sent it to me.

Of course, I did write it in my work and home planners, in my phone, and sticky notes on the mirrors in my bed and bathroom. It was all just in case.

But I knew that I'd never forget it.

Pulling off a note from the bathroom mirror, he looked at me with a raised brow. "Really, baby? You have way too many reminders. It's not that important."

"What? That has to be some sort of joke, Harry. Your birthday is more important than Christmas to me. So hush now, child. Keep quiet," I said, snatching it from his hand, only to place it right back in its spot.

"You going to make me?"

"If I have to, yes, I will." I grinned. "And I have a few ways to make that happen."

"In that case, I'm all yours." He smirked.

There was also a message from my first best friend — she always checked up on me.

2020 - November 2nd, 6:14 AM
Mom 💛

Sweet girl, I hope you're okay today.
Try to have fun with Amara and know that I'll always love you.

A tiny, content smile tugged at my lips as I saw her name, especially with the yellow heart is her favourite colour. It was only fitting to be the emoji next to her name.

Thanks, momma.
I'm okay. We're having a nice time. She fell asleep, though.
I'll keep you updated.
Love you more.

I knew that there was still more to check — and I wasn't ready at all for them. However, all it made it easier when I related them to ripping a Band-Aid off. Maybe that would help.

But only time would tell — a short time.

With another countless breath, I brought my phone up to my ear to check my voicemails.

"You have nineteen new messages. Check messages to empty voicemail. Press one to hea—"

I pressed one.

"H-hi, Es-Serenity. I — um, I'm so sorry for what I did. I fucked up big time. You're not weak. You're so strong and passionate. I just failed to see it in the beginning. I know it's no excuse, but I just couldn't find it in me to trust anyone when I switched the numbers. I'd never thought of you like my ex. Y-you captivated me from the first time I saw you, and it freaked me out. I knew deep down inside you weren't going to use me, but it was just that voice in the back of my fucking head that kept telling me otherwise. I-I'm sorry. I hope one day I'll get the chance to explain myself more. Then again, I know there's not much else, but I just — I adore you. I miss you. I'm sorry, M-miss Hayes."

That formal name just kept breaking my heart — Miss Hayes.

Tears streamed down my face as I listened to his voice. I could hear the cracks in Harry's tone as he spoke, and I wished I could be the one who comforted him while he was broken too — but it was his fault.

"To delete this message, press seven. To save it, press nine."

I pressed nine.

"I called again. Went straight to voicemail. I hope you're okay. I'm so fucking sorry," he said, ending the call.

"To delete this message, press seven. To save it, press nine."

Nine.

"H-hi. I miss you. Please forgive me."

Nine.

"Darl—Sorry, force of habit. At least, I should try and forget that. Even though I don't know how. I miss you."

Nine.

"Bab—Seren—fuck, Miss Hayes, where are you? I've been calling for days, and I can't find you. I know you're still mad at me, and I'm still so fucking sorry. I just — I stopped by Amara's shop, she says she hasn't seen you. I know she's your friend, and she's covering, but I can't take those lies."

Oh, you can't take lies, Harry? How ironic? Neither can I.

"The only thing that's keeping me sane is hearing your voice when I leave these messages. I hope it's you and not someone who stole your phone. Fuck, that's not good. Please, just send me anything to tell me you're alright."

He sounded so desperate.

"Hiiii, baby," Harry slurred. "I think I sent you a message, don't know if you got it. Fingers too big and phone too small. Think I should get a bigger phone? Shit," he paused as I heard something crash in the background. "Tripped. Fell on the ground. Kind of like you. My clumsy girl. Miss you. Sorry."

"Serenity, I know I said this in another message, but I miss you. Fuck, I miss you so much."

I miss you too, Harry. God, I miss you.

"Just also wanted to apologise for that night when I was drunk. It was stupid of me to do that. It was stupid of me to do a lot of things. I'm sorry."

"I've sent a tone of messages, not sure if you're even getting them. Heck, at this point, I think you've changed your number, but I'm going to keep calling back. I don't care. I'm sorry."

I constantly pressed nine after listening to every message he left me, and I surely lost track of that amount. There was no chance I would be able to delete them, and now that I knew they were there, I was afraid of how many times I'd check them again — and again.

"You're so beautiful. It's all I want to say this time."

You're always beautiful, Harry.

"Sent you a text, well, I've sent a lot of them. Anyway, just wanted to say that I really do miss you. I'm not lying. Please answer your phone — or anything. Shit. I just want to talk to you. I've apologised so many times, don't know if any of them mean anything, though. I'm sorry. So fucking sorry."

"Don't give a shit this time, but Miss Hayes, I fucking miss you. I adore you more than anything. Answer me, please."

His tone wasn't as soft as the ones before, and I could tell that he wasn't in a good mood. He was either annoyed from work, frustrated that I wasn't replying — or both.

"Fuck, sorry. I probably sounded like a dick there. Work's been pissing me the right off. Shouldn't have taken it out on you. Well, your voicemail. I guess that is also you. Alright, I'll call you again sometime."

"Miss you. It's way past midnight. Can't sleep. Thought I'd see if you're awake, even though I doubt you'll check your phone. I miss the sound of your voice. I guess maybe that's another reason why I keep calling. It's the only chance I get to hear it. Well, I saw you in person, but that doesn't count. None of it does. I'm so sorry."

"Another sleepless night for me. J-just wish you were here. I can't fall asleep without you. I know you love being the little spoon, but fuck am I missing you wrap your arms around me. O-or even wrap them around you. I miss you and your scent. I miss Luna. I miss your chicken noodle soup. Fuck I miss you. I'm s-sorry," his voice cracked, hearing him cry in the background.

The tears that left my eyes were no longer few, but now surely similar to Angel Falls. My cheeks were stained and tainted with heartbreak that neither of us could comprehend anymore. We were both incredibly broken.

"I can't handle this anymore. I'm going crazy without you. I see you everywhere I am, and it's ruining my work. Everyone looks at me like I've gone bloody mental. Then again, maybe I have. Miss you. I'm sorry for being like this."

You're not mental, Harry. If you are, then I must be deranged for the love I have for you.

"I don't know how much I have left. I'm probably the only one who's filling your voicemail."

Excuse you, Mr Styles. Take that back.

"Shit, I didn't mean that. I meant that maybe I'm the only one you're ignoring. But maybe there's someone else you're mad at. That's such a lie. You rarely hate anyone."

I don't hate you, Tiger. I'm heartbroken. There's a difference.

He continued his message, but was stopped, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Es—"

"This mailbox is full. Please delete messages so callers can record again."

Stupid mailbox.

Placing my phone in my lap, both my hands wiped my cheeks dry. Saltwater painted my skin, despair seeping through my eyes like no other. My body shook from the sobs, softly cupping my hand over my mouth not to let my friend awake from her slumber.

Everything was painful, and it only worsened when I'd remember more memorable moments that happened between Harry and me.

Things that wouldn't even be recognised as anything in the present changes in the future. That time becomes a spectacular and significant past which would never be forgotten.

"I made you some tea, baby," Harry called out from the kitchen as I walked out from the bathroom from changing. Luna was comfortably lying in her tower of relaxation, nearing a peaceful sleep.

"Ahh, thank you. Now I know I made the right choice by picking you to be my guy." I grinned as I got cosied up on my sofa.

"Is that so?" He let out a small laugh. "That's all I am to you?"

"I mean, yeah." A smirk tugged on my lips, and he raised a brow from across my kitchen.

His green eyes narrowed at me, slowly taking a few steps forward. "Take it back."

"Why would I? It's true."

"You have five seconds to change your answer, Essie," he said, placing our mugs on the table — obviously, coffee for him.

"Or what?" I teased, biting my bottom lip.

Standing in front of me, he let out a soft, menacing laugh. "Don't test me, darling. You'll regret that later."

"Will I?"

"But for now, you're fucking done for," he spoke, shoving me on my back, and straddling my body.

"Don't you dare."

He simply shrugged with a menacing grin. "I've got nothing to lose."

"Only your dignity, and being my tiger," I hoped my words would let him change his mind. I knew what I was in when I saw those eyes of his.

"Fuck that. I'm still your tiger, and you know it. So that shit is invalid," Harry said, then bit his bottom lip. "You ready?"

"No, not exa—" And his hands attacked my body all over, tickling me close to my death. I could help the laughs that escaped my mouth. He leaned down to place his lips upon my face, not leaving a spot untouched. "St-stop. Stop. Stop!"

"I will if you take it back!" His voice was strong, speaking over my loud giggles.

"Alright! Fine! You're m-my favouri— stop! You're my g-guy! Don't want anyone else!" His tickling hands finally came to an end as he smoothed them up and down my arms.

"Now, was that so hard?" Harry's lips hovered mine, feeling his warm breath as I panted heavily against him. I whispered a faint 'no,' and he smiled, pulling back just slightly. "Splendid, but don't think that'll go well in your favour in a little while. Our drinks might get cold, but it'll be worth it. Don't worry."

"That better be a promise," I caught my breath.

"Isn't it always?" And that was the last thing he said before he placed his mouth on mine, pulling me into a passionate kiss.

The memories continued to rip my soul into pieces. Remembering everything was emotional suicide — but I couldn't help it. One after another, they would piece into my mind like puzzle pieces slowly fitting into decorative artwork. That's what it was between Harry and me. We fit together beautifully; each edge, whether curved or straight, we matched and became that perfect fit.

I needed fresh air.

Slowly, I got up and gently fixed the throw laid over Amara. A small smile curled up on my lips as I looked down at my best friend, feeling loved knowing that my sister would always be there for me — even when she was asleep.

A quick glance at the clock hung upon the wood beams above the kitchen read 11:54. I'd spent over three hours going through Harry's messages and voicemails. Those hours filled with a trapped box of love and memories — a box of my heart and soul.

Even in there, a locked door was inside, one that I had a key to. It was something that was always within me, and it gave the control and ability to choose what I wanted.

Harry had that key, too — for himself. I reminded and showed him that he could always have that strength to decide what he wanted to do in his life. It was powerful enough to create an unexpected future.

And it was also destructive if not used properly.

At this moment, I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to do with that key.

With a few steps, I made my way towards the door to slip on my coat and boots.

Now, just past midnight, and in this glacial season, the world outside was incredibly different.

Black bears were in hibernation for the winter. Elks and moose were in a deep slumber in the darkness. Snowy owls travelling gracefully, each to find meals to fill their stomachs. Horseshoe hares hopping through the piles of crystalline flakes that have pounded together. Wolves running in packs, hunting another animals to share with their friends and families.

The snow cascaded down from the clouds in an icy waterfall, yet still so delicately, like a dripping tap. Air so crisp and frigid, as my breath was intensely visible the deeper I exhaled. My eyes shut as I took in the cold temperature and the serene atmosphere.

As I looked up at the sky, failing to see the clear abyss but thick marshmallows hiding the moon and stars. I stuck out my tongue, feeling a flake land upon it, melting from the warmth of my body. The contrast between hot and cold made my insides shudder at the difference.

Yet, with them being polar opposites, we could still live amongst one another. We still had the strength to cooperate, even if there were storms, there were calms and many times where the sun shone down upon the land. And times when the rain fell down to feed the ground to help everything living survive. Happiness, gloominess, and fights between air, water, and the deepest parts of the earth to create devastating conflicts.

But before I could turn around to take a lonely walk, a voice resonated through my ears. It was quiet, but I knew it wasn't a dream.

"Miss Hayes."

Two weeks.

I was well aware that it was short of twenty mere minutes that I heard Harry's rich, velvety tone, but it felt like decades. As each second passed by, it was a sound that I terribly missed.

But the fact that he was here, at the cabin, made everything so much more nerve-wracking.

It wasn't exactly the safest drive up here, especially when there was a heavy snowstorm only yesterday. Some of the roads were still closed, and how he managed to find a way to get here simply confused me.

My eyes settled upon his view only to see the love of my life that caused me the worst pain I've ever experienced.

"Mr Styles," I nervously replied, tugging my coat closer to my body.

Heat erupted throughout me, drowning my soul in an agonising love of lava. It wasn't just hearing his voice that made my heart and tummy flutter, but seeing him was another entire novel just waiting to be written. A best-seller's masterpiece that I knew was patient and ready for that same powerful key.

The bare light of the cabin lights illuminated around us just enough so I could see him. A tan coat covered his medium build. Black slacks peaking out from underneath, leading to the shadow of his boots. His hair, as I've seen it recently, still wasn't as neat as I knew it to be. The colour of his green eyes was too dark to be seen clearly.

Lifting his legs, his feet treaded through the depth of the snow along the unshovelled path. His hands tucked themselves away into his pockets, hiding them from the frigid temperature.

"Hi," he spoke softly.

"How'd you find me this time?"

"I — um — Amara," his voice was quiet, heard above the sounds of the gentle fall of the icy crystalline flakes in the faint wind.

"Say who now?"

Harry cleared his throat before repeating her name, "I've been calling her for the past week. She's hung up almost every time — don't blame her. River wasn't happy either when he picked up a few times."

"Yeah, that sounds more like them," I commented, and he nodded.

"Anyway, when I finally got her to listen this morning, she told me that I'd get one chance to see you," he explained.

"Let me get this straight..." I tilted my head slightly. "...Amara gave you the address to the cabin?"

"Yeah. I know you told her that I didn't like driving in the snow," Harry said, biting his bottom lip. "She took that to her advantage."

"So Archie drive you?" I raised a brow.

"No," he replied, shaking his head. "Came here on my own. I wouldn't let him drive in this weather."

A soft escaped my lips, watching as his eyes travelled to my breath. "You drove?"

"Risked my fears and life to see you, yeah. That's something I'll risk." His words were profound and truthful, but there was a still lightness to them.

"Don't be dramatic," my lips sucked in to hold a smile from forming.

It hurt me inside that I had to stop my actions from being natural.

"Slammed on my brakes and skidded a bit off the road to prevent myself from hitting a moose. The bloody thing came out of nowhere," he spoke, cracking a small smile.

"Well, I'm glad you're okay," I said, showing a soft grin. "It's not particularly the safest drive here at night. Especially when it's just snowed."

"I realised that, yeah," he let out a light laugh.

I missed hearing that. All I've heard from Harry was sadness and suffering, but it was my favourite soundtrack.

It was then that we both stood awkwardly, and simply gazing at each other. A smashed mirror reflecting the same sight of two brokenhearted lovers.

Well, one lover to another — it wasn't mutual.

Paralyzed, my limbs couldn't move as the seconds passed. I wanted to throw myself in his arms and never leave them again. I wanted to kiss his blue-tinted raspberry lips, warm them up, and hug them against mine. I wanted to touch his pretty hair and entangle those soft strands between my fingers.

I wanted his love, but I didn't have that.

I was handed the gift of betrayal on a silver platter.

Nothing could make me forget what the CEO of Urban Corp. did to me.

Furrowing my brows, I asked, "So how exactly did you charm your way past my best friend to see me?"

"It wasn't like that," Harry said.

"Then how so?"

"I hate to say this, and I have no right to ask this, but can we maybe go inside? It's fucking freezing out here." His body shook as the words came out of his mouth.

"It's not my cabin. It's Amara's. You'd have to ask her..." I paused. "...but you can't because she's asleep."

"Oh," he said, looking down, then back up at me. "Well, is there a place we can sit down?"

I nodded. "Yeah, follow me. Just watch your step. There's usually ice buildup here."

The two of us silently made our way around to the back of the cabin, carefully making sure we walked. Harry followed closely, yet still keeping his distance from me.

Sounds of a wolf howling in the background caught Harry's ears as he quickly looked up to find it. A small laugh escaped my lips as I turned my head over my shoulder to see him in panic.

"Don't worry. They can't come here. The land is big, and there's high fences further out."

"Oh, okay." He cleared his throat. "That's good."

"This alright?" I asked, wiping down the stone bench nearby as we reached the back of the cabin.

When he nodded, I gestured him to sit before grabbing some dry wood to put in the fire pit. Placing the logs in, I found a match tucked underneath and tossed the lit stick onto them.

Harry's body eased after he felt the heat made my heart warm up. He was so relaxed as he took in the comfort of the flames. The way the orange tones of the blaze flickered against his face, the sight was breathtaking and simply magnificent. The tenderness of the fire let the vivid redness disappear, bringing out the true colour of his British beauty.

Moving to sit beside him, I held my hands towards the pit, and felt the heat against my skin. But without intending to, our thighs touched, and my gaze looked down before meeting his eyes.

It all happened so fast.

The first time in over a month, we had physical contact — and it was apparent that we both missed it. We craved the five senses which we so desperately gave and used against one another. Harry's hand itched his thigh, inching closer to mine but refusing to slide it over.

We distracted our bodies with whatever we could. His feet drew shapes into the snow below him while I placed my hands in and out of my pockets, fingers fiddling when they met.

The two of us were silent in the bare surrounding — words completely and ultimately void.

Pain so evidently available at this moment, and patience was wearing thin. I was waiting for Harry to do something — anything. Begging and pleading, my insides screamed at me to stop the torture we were living in.

"So why are you here?" I asked, finally breaking the stillness.

Our eyes met once more, seeing the familiar agony in his full green gems. They didn't sparkle like emeralds anymore. They were scratched and tainted without any attempt to polish them back to that divine showcase of splendour and radiance, in which they carried.

"I mean, it's a long drive up here. It can't just be for no reason."

Not missing a beat, Harry replied without any hesitation, "I missed you."

Ache. Pain. Heartbreak.

"But we're not anything for you to miss..." I spoke quietly, "...that ended a month ago."

His lips sucked in, nervously speaking out, "Did — um — did you check your phone?"

"I did. It was earlier today. Actually, just a little while ago."

"And?" His voice had a hint of hope.

"And..." I trailed off, looking away from him before meeting his gaze again. "Well, it wasn't easy."

"Um — did you see my texts? I left..." His apprehension was evident as he trailed off. "...I left voicemails too."

"Yeah."

"And?"

My breath was heavy, trying hard to push back tears as I looked away. "Please don't make this harder than it is."

"D-do you hate me?" he whispered, but this time, I quickly caught his averted eyes. His gaze was down at the ground, fingers fumbling together.

"Harry, look at me," I nervously spoke, and he slowly raised his focus towards me. "I don't hate you. I'm hurt. Extremely hurt and broken from what you did to me. You crushed me and every ounce of dedication that I had. The dedication that I spent years working for to achieve my goal. It was something I've always wanted since I was a little girl, and when I finally had it, it was ripped away from me. I thought we were partners with it, but apparently, we weren't anything important. It felt like I meant absolutely nothing to you. Nothing."

"That's not true. You know that."

"I thought I knew a lot of things, but that was a lie — you made it a lie."

"I didn't mean it."

My head shook a few times. "Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. It doesn't matter now."

"Serenity, I can't lose you." His tone was desperate, rich of agony and raw pain.

My head shook, pushing past his heartbreaking words — words that I tried so long to "You already lost me, Harry. You lost me before I even knew what you did. The second you signed the paper to cheat me over was that day that happened."

"What if I get it back? I'll buy it back, and I don't give a fuck about how much it'll cost me."

"It's not about that anymore. You're missing the point," I said, let out a soft sigh. "I loved that studio. I called it mine when I first bought it, and then it was taken away from me. Not just shared with you, and then it went to nothing."

"B-but —"

"There are no buts, Harry. We had what I thought was a connection and a partnership."

"We do ha—"

"No, we don't. We did," I spoke softly, sniffling slightly from the cold — or from the tears. "You know, maybe we never were."

"Stop. No." He shook his head. "Don't say that. We still are."

"Harry, please. We're not. Don't make this harder than it is."

"Are you kidding me? So you're just going to throw whatever we had away? Just like that?"

"You threw it away long before. You could've told me! You had days on end since it happened to bring it up, but it never even crossed your mind!" I exclaimed, "If you wanted to see the damn building, you could've sold it to me! I could've been the new owner. But you never trusted me enough to do that. Hell, you never trusted me, period."

"I — I couldn't tell you."

"That's what I don't understand. Why couldn't you?"

"Serenity, it's not you. It's me. It's my own fucking insecurities that caused that. Trust is a bitch in my life."

"But..." trailing off at his revealing and heartbreaking words. "...I thought you trusted me."

"I did — I do!"

Shaking my head, I wiped a tear about to draw its path down my lap. "It's not enough."

"What can I do? Tell me. I'll do fucking anything."

"You can't," I spoke, biting my bottom lip. "It's over, Harry. You broke the trust between us. It's not even about Starlight anymore. Once you break that, you can't get it back. It's like shattered glass, and you can never get those shards back to one piece."

"You can melt it," he pleaded, "We can melt it back."

"But it'll still be imperfect."

"No. Serenity, fuck, just —"

"Harry, please. Stop." Standing up, I parted slightly from him. Even though I was standing right by the fire, I felt cold because I lost the person I love — the person who was only a meter away from me.

"I do trust you."

"Clearly not enough to think I would succeed," I said, wiping my tears with the back of my hand. "And clearly not enough to trust me as the girl who you wanted."

My eyes observed him carefully, studying over every movement, as he moved to stand in front of me. He was so close — yet so far.

The distance between the earth and the Antares star was as near we were. Over 550 light years away.

"How am I supposed to trust you again? How do I know whatever feelings you have, or had, are true? You need to give me something more."

"They are," he whispered, standing right in front of me. "I told you, Serenity, you are my starlight."

"You told me the same thing when you asked me to be your Es—" I paused, swallowing thickly. "But that doesn't give me any reason to trust you anymore. You don't know what you want anymore."

"I want you," Harry's tone was soft, "Everything I said in those texts and voicemails was true. I never lied."

"But you did..." I trailed off. "...just way before all of that."

"I'm sorry. Please, don't do this. Fucking please." His begging caused more agony for us.

"Give me one reason that your emotions are all real and that you're truly sorry for what you did — that I mean everything to you."

"I adore you," he whispered, and I shook my head.

"Not good enough."

One thing would prove to me that he could love — that I meant the world to him — that I was more important. I was afraid that I was pressuring him into saying that I loved him, but I didn't know if that was something that he actually felt for me. Maybe he didn't know what it was after Madison.

My mind, heart, and soul were a mess.

And the key to the door remained sealed shut.

"Please leave, Harry," I choked, and saw the tears stream down his cheeks.

His head hung low as he nodded for the third time. He carried absolutely nothing with him as those green eyes met mine, holding my gaze for what felt like forever. I could tell he was pleading me with everything he had for me to change my mind — but I couldn't.

Nothing would prove to me that he would never do something like that again.

So with a heavy and broken heart, he turned around and began to walk away.

But this time, I called his name, and the way he faced me once more was agonising and unforgettable.

"Don't drive back this late. There's an inn not far from here that'll be good for tomorrow. It won't snow, so you'll be okay."

"No, I won't," he whispered quietly, "But thank you."

And that's when Harry walked away, hearing the sound of his engine starting, then drive away.

It all hurt even more that this all happened past midnight, the day after his birthday. It was a gift was something that no one ever experience. He's had twenty-eight single days that were devastating, and it was topped the same with his twenty-ninth night. I couldn't find it in myself to bring it up because he didn't deserve that reminder.

I plotted myself back down on the bench he was sitting, now cold, and let every single tear that was locked up free.

Imprisoned and defeated, I let piercing and unrestricted sobs cover the raucous howling of the wolves.

And I finally felt myself starting to let go.

Or...at least, that's what I thought.

Because, only time could tell what would happen in the future.

...

A/N:

I rarely cry reading or writing...I cried writing this and I'm not lying like Harry.

Get why I chose four songs for this chapter...all of them fit it perfect.

Now, let's get to the heartbreaking stuff...

Those memories broke me. Yes, yes they did. Not sure which one was worse for me to write.

Harry's texts and voicemails just made me bawl like a baby. What about you? And how did you feel about them?

Was Serenity too harsh on Harry and exaggerating on what happened when he showed up? Should she have forgiven him instead?

You also got a backstory about Amara, in case y'all were wondering about her life.

What do you think will happen next?

Besides all that, did you really like anything about the chapter? Did ya dig it? Y'know me and my curious self.

Kissy (yes, it hurts, I know 🥺) , stay golden, and TPWK my beautiful tulips 🌷

S x

^Amara's cabin. Ugh it's so pretty.