A small bird sits on the balcony railing, despite the cold and the brash sounds of the city below. I swing slowly by pressing my socked feet against the ground, watching the bird and wondering what it is doing here. Is it looking for food or is it lost?

I cough and the bird flies away. A strange feeling spreads through me as it flies away, twisting and burning inside of me. If I sit on the porch swing and avoid the railing, I can forget my fear of heights for a while.

My sketchbook sits in my lap but I can't seem to draw anything because my mind is too foggy and tired. Thinking about the party reminds me of Blake and his ever-changing moods. He goes from excited, to laid back, to indifferent, and brooding so easily.

A part of me understands while the another finds it frustrating. Shaking my head, I try to focus on the pencil in my hand. My conclusion from the pondering? Josh and his friends are strange but not any stranger than me.

The sliding sound of the door makes me look up from my drawing of the city. It's Josh, wearing a thick sweater that has Lancers written across it. He avoids my eyes as he comes outside, pulling his hood up and breathing in a breath of fresh air.

"You really like sitting out here, don't you?" he asks, waving at me to move down. I comply and offer the blanket to him but he shakes his head.

"I like to draw out here because it's relaxing," I say. "Aren't you supposed to be watching the twins?" I ask, looking behind him. My aunt had gone to a friend's house, saying something about being home late. She had instructed that we should order a pizza for dinner.

"Mary and Theo are both in their cribs," Josh answers. The wind picks up and Josh's hood falls from his head but he doesn't bother to pull it up. His shoulders are hunched and I purse my lips, trying to read his expression.

He hadn't gone to school today, claimed that he had a cold. I knew for a fact that he was hungover from yesterday. "What's up, Josh? I know we haven't known each other long but you can trust me." Josh looks at me for a long time and then lets out an audible sigh. He's contemplating something.

"It's my dad, Audrey," he whispers. He stays quiet but I don't want to push him further so I don't say anything either. "I want to run away from all this crap." My heart hurts for Josh and his siblings. They are so good and pure, meant for greatness in the future. The way that their father acts towards them worries me, that they won't be able to choose their own path in life.

"Did your mom tell you about last week?" I ask. An image of my aunt and the two glasses of wine flash through my mind and I stare at Josh, blinking my eyes quickly.

There were times when things got rough and my mom used to drink more than usual. She always got back on track but I remember that it scared me, that I might lose my mom to a stupid bottle of Merlot. Josh nods.

"My mom just told me and only because Theo said something about it. You have to be careful around him, okay?" He drops his head into his hands. "Things are a bit better since you showed up. I think it's because he's afraid that you might talk." I hold my breath and close my eyes at his words.

"I'm sorry that you have to go through all this," I mumble, not sure if I can say anything else.

"I hate him, Audrey. I hate him so much. There are days where I wish he was dead." Josh says the last part quietly as he turns around to look at the sliding doors, afraid that his dad might be there.

"Don't say that," I say as calmly as I can. "I know your dad is...is not a good person but despite all that, your mom does love him. Remember? How she said he wasn't always like this?" He's quiet for a while and I cock my head to look at him more carefully. His face is hidden by his arms so I can't read his expression.

"When we were younger my dad was better. He used to come to my games and was always there when I fell." Josh brings his head up and I see his eyes, they are full of nostalgia and sadness. "Ever since he became a big shot lawyer he changed so much. I don't get it."

"He may not be good but maybe that part of him is still in there somewhere," I say slowly, trying to swing again but fail because of the added weight. Josh throws his head back and lets out a nervous laugh.

"God Audrey! You can say it. My dad is a -"

"Don't," I say blandly, cutting him off, though I'm pretty sure what he was going to say next would have been fitting. "I get it. I understand that things are bad, really bad. But you need to remember to be strong for your mom and the twins, okay? You can't give up because your mom hasn't given up, Josh."

"Don't say that you get it, Audrey!" He gets up from the porch, causing the swing to lurch back dangerously, and brings his hands to his head in frustration. "You have no idea how suffocating living with him is. How badly I want to leave this hell hole of a place. You have no idea."

I stay quiet as I recall the silent nights when my mom would take late shifts at the restaurant she worked at. How afraid I was to go to sleep, how badly I wanted to leave to a neighbor's and how suffocating that felt.

"You're right, Josh. I could never entirely understand what you are going through. No one could," I say gently, getting up from the swing and moving towards my cousin. "But I can tell you that running away from all of this isn't going to solve anything. Your mom and siblings love you so much. They need you to be strong."

The tight ball of worry in my stomach loosens when I see his face soften at my words. His eyes are hollow and dark, devoid of emotion.

Walking up to the railing he huffs, "I really like basketball. And I'm good." He's changing the subject but I don't argue, choosing to nod my head instead. A buzzing sound comes from the swing where my phone is buried beneath the scratchy blanket.

It's probably a text from Tamara. I hadn't talked to her since the day we had gone to the mall. Well, except for the few notes we had exchanged during English and Art class.

"If you are serious about it you need to hold onto you dream and never let it go." The silence between us stretches on for a minute before he whips around and heads toward the door.

"I am serious about it," he says, squinting his eyes at me, almost like he is forgetting who he is talking to. "You should come inside, man. It's freezing outside."

"I will in a minute." My sketchbook lies on the swing, the pages fluttering in the wind and making a ruffling noise.

He pauses. Pulling up his hood and taking in a breath of air, he looks at the buildings off in the distance. "Thanks for listening," he says finally.

"Anytime," I say with a wide smile, glad that he had talked to me about what was going on with his life. As soon as he steps inside Theo tries to come out but is stopped by Josh, who scoops him up with a laugh.

"Where you going, little man?" Theo whines and stretches his hand out to me. He had managed to climb out of his crib, which made me a little nervous. Grabbing my things from the swing I hop inside on my numb feet. They feel like they are going to fall off. As I had guessed, there is a text from Tamara. Can we talk? I'm downstairs.

When I hear a knock on the door, I open it hesitantly to see Tamara standing before me, her arms wrapped around her thin shoulders. Her hair is in a bun and died a vibrant blue color. "I love your hair," I say honestly, waving her inside.

"Thanks. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go blonde or blue. Gabriel said that blue would be better." I lead her into the living room, waving at the couches and she falls into one without a second thought.

Ever since Todd had shared the history between Cynthia and Tamara, I feel wary around Tamara. There is also a part of me that feels guilty for judging Cynthia, not bothering to look past her rude exterior and understand her.

"What's up?" I ask finally, sitting cross-legged on the couch and tucking my sketchbook under a pillow.

"I wanted to talk to you about Friday," she says, playing with her piercing and examining the room. He dark eyes land on me and she gives me a small smile, that doesn't go beyond her mouth. I hope she is going to tell me her side of the story, tell me that she would never betray a friend like she did and that Josh and his friends are wrong about her.

I don't know why it matters so much. It's not like I have known Tamara for that long. But it's fun to be around her because her energy is contagious. "It's actually about the kiss with Todd."

Her comment surprises me a bit and I hang my head in disbelief. "What?"

"I know you haven't talked about it but can you not share it with anyone?" It was a silly dare and I could care less about it, even if Todd feels guilty about it. "Cynthia and I have some issues between us. I really don't want her finding out that I made out with her best friend."

Cocking my head to the side, I wait for her to continue, to elaborate on something that I already know. She doesn't. Instead, I ask, "How come you didn't tell me about it before?"

Tipping her head back, she lets out a long sigh. "You can be such a kid sometimes, Audrey. Todd probably told you on Friday. No wonder you have been so distant these last couple of days."

"That's not true," I lie. There is a bad feeling that I can't shake off. Even if the drama between Tamara and Cynthia happened so long ago, it's making me think differently about Tamara.

I took law in my sophomore year and remember learning that a person can't be judged based on past crimes. Something like that. Am I doing that, judging both Cynthia and Tamara?

"We don't talk about it, Audrey. After it happened the school said that we are not allowed to share details with the other kids." She shrugs her shoulders. "I guess we kind of followed through with that in high school. No one likes talking about it."

Nodding I say, "I'm not judging you." It's an honest enough statement. "I just wished that you would have shared it with me." As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I want to grab them but it's too late. It's so hypocritical of me. I haven't told Tamara anything about my past.

Tamara laughs, it's rough and mocking. It makes my insides twist in embarrassment. "I'll tell you what. Next time I have some major secret, I will let you in on it." Feeling slightly upset at myself, I get up and go into the kitchen to mull over Tamara's words.

"It's fine. Just forget that I said anything," I say, from over my shoulder. She comes up behind me and hugs me. My body tenses up.

"Audrey, you need to chill. Things that are in the past, should be left in the past. You need to focus on the present and figure out what your future holds." I look at her for a long time. I'm trying so hard to do just that.

"In the summer, someone shot and killed my mom. We were at this run-down shop at the edge of town in Oakville. I moved in with my aunt because...." I stop talking because my throat feels scratchy. Tamara spins me around, her eyebrows furrowed and eyes filled with tears.

"Shit, Audrey. I'm sorry," she says, wrapping her arms around me. "I thought your mom had died when you were a baby or something."

When she pulls away from me there is something else in her eyes. Rage. "I'm sorry for saying this but I think before you can move on that murderer must be brought to justice." My fists clench and I nod my head.

And there it is. My past out there for the world to see. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest. Like a heavy boulder has been removed that was preventing me from breathing.

A part of me also thinks that I shared it with the wrong person. But it is only a small part of me that I can ignore for now.