My worst fear is death.

And who doesn't fear death, or is at least apprehensive about what it has in store?

A religious person is so afraid of going to Hell that he spends his life lamenting without doing a single good deed to deserve Heaven. An atheist is also so afraid of going to Hell that he convinces himself that Hell and Heaven don't exist. But the two have got something in common: they both fear the unknown. And there is a good possibility that they will end up in Hell together unless they do something to avoid this fate.

Of course this doesn't apply to everybody, as one should never generalise, but it's indisputable that fear blinds our eyes and turns even the obvious solution into an enigma impossible to decipher. 

It is the same with me, except that I have realised what my fear is and now I want nothing but to get rid of it. I said that I fear death, but now that I re-read what I've just written, I think I should explain that it's not my own death that I am scared of. It's the death of my beloved one.

It all started two years ago when my beloved one was diagnosed with cancer. The news left me devastated, and the doctors themselves weren't so hopeful about the case. I felt that my life was over and that I'd never know the taste of happiness again. And amidst this mess, it was only expected that I'd forget all about the strange thing which is rooted in our nature, and which makes humans defy all the odds sometimes. But luckily, my beloved one had this thing. Some might refer to it as a desire to survive, but I prefer the term 'hope.'

And so my beloved one's health began to improve. And though the treatment caused them a lot of pain, they endured it until they finally won the battle. I was so pleased to see this happening that I almost again forgot something important: winning a battle doesn't necessarily mean that one has won the war.

Cancer struck back after only a year of treatment, which was, doing the maths, a little over two months ago. I tried to have hope as my beloved one advised me, yet I found it extremely difficult to be positive when my head wasted no time in asking these questions:

What if they didn't get well?

What if the treatment didn't help?

What if they lose hope just like you did?

What if they.... I can't bring myself to repeat this question, and I don't want to imagine how my life would be if its answer was what I fear.

In short, my life has become a nightmare which I'm forced to witness. Whenever I'm not home and my cell phone rings, my heart skips a beat as it prepares for the worst. I spend sleepless nights, straining my ears for the gentle sound of my beloved one's breathing as they sleep peacefully beside me. I'm unable to concentrate on anything but these thoughts that haunt me. I actually can't even write my or my beloved one's name, lest this turns Death's attention to us. Can you believe it?

I admit that I have never been the best at understanding how emotions work. But I know for sure that I love my beloved one, and also that I can't live a day without them in my life.

So what should I do to make this torture stop?