I am sorry for what happened, in a way. I am sorry that I am free and you are left in pain. I am sorry that I couldn't handle you anymore, and I'm sorry that I gave up. I'm sorry that I cut you out so harshly. It wasn't a good time, but with us - nothing was a good time. We should have ended long ago, but instead you'd come back to me and I'd relent because I did have this parental sense of care for you. I just never found it in myself to be unconditional - or maybe that's not right, because I do still love you. But I could not stay afloat with both you and I. You clung to me, so desperately, and you weighed me down so we both sank. You brought out the worst in me, because I could not help you no matter how much I wanted to. I tried, but I couldn't do anything. You refused any attempt I gave, so I stopped giving. I became cold and callous to your cause, and when you threatened your usual game, I would secretly wish you to go ahead and do it. If you were going to talk about it all the time, if you were going to threaten it and if you were going to say you'd do it and leave me to worry all night and then come back in the morning and say everything was okay and then repeat the same stupid process over and over each freaking day - then why not really do it? See, I hated thinking like this. It was wrong and nasty and cruel and it made me a monster. I hated it, and a bit of the hatred leaked out onto you. I had to distance myself from you because I was struggling on my own and you made it all worse. I know I'm a hypocrite, I would want someone to save me - but I just couldn't save you. Eventually, I couldn't take you and I couldn't take me anymore so I left. I haven't really looked back. I don't regret it, I still think it's best and I want you to find someone who can take care of you and themselves a little better than I ever could.

She is right, for once. I do make people (like you) hate themselves and I do screw them up and I do make things toxic and make people toxic because I am toxic.

I suppose the worst part of this (for you) is that I simply can't care. I'm okay with this.