The memory of my father dying usually generated a panic attack. If I was asleep, I would wake up screaming. But I was already awake. My heart pounded so hard against my chest I feared my ribs would break. Thoughts swirled in my mind faster than kids on the scary mixer.

Justice for my father totally depended on Tyler's cooperation. I needed to gain his affection and trust, but in order to succeed, I had to appear normal. No more running away from my fears, I had to overcome them.

A sheen of cold sweat painted my skin as the office walls closed in. Why did I close the door? With extreme effort, I convinced myself that my imagination was only playing tricks on me. I took several deep breaths in and out, and somehow, willed my speeding pulse to slow and my spinning head to stop.

Mrs. Shepherd studied me with her tired, brown eyes while she waited patiently for me to answer her question about how I was feeling. Her short, frizzy perm was like a halo around her kind, round face. I felt sorry for poor Mrs. Shepherd and all guidance counselors who had the thankless job of trying to help angry, rebellious misfits like me. I decided to tell her a little white truth.

"I feel claustrophobic. Only a sadist would design a building with windows that don't open."

"So why you did run out of gym class?" Mrs. Shepherd asked.

 "I was playing a joke on Melaney," I lied.

She did not look amused. "Let me be very clear. The next time you run out of a class I will recommend to Mr. Brown that you serve after school detention. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Ma'am." She wasn't pulling any punches this year. No in-school suspension which I loved, but instead the dreaded detention, which meant I would have to spend another hour locked up inside this airless building.

Mrs. Shepherd picked a pink pass off the stack, put the time and date on it, and signed it. "Jasmine, please ask to come see me if you need to leave a class. My door is always open. Okay?" She held out the pass.

I nodded and took it from her chubby fingers. I dashed back to gym class to get my belongings before the bell rang. I didn't want to be late for lunch. That would really ruin my day.

Melaney waited with Emily outside the locker room and handed me my books. "Did you get detention?"

"No, but I will the next time I run out of class."

"There won't be a next time. Right?" she insisted.

"I hope not."

We hurried down the hallway to our lockers, shoved in our books, and rushed to the cafeteria. Various smells-pizza, chicken nuggets, hamburgers-assaulted my nostrils as we entered the vast room filled with long, orange and black tables and attached benches. A huge black panther mural was painted on the right wall, and glass trophy cases covered the left.

Over two hundred students vied for a place in the two long lunch lines. Sixty of them came from our gym class. Tyler and Todd stood near the front of the right line next to the eye of the panther. Mimi and her minions were in the left line admiring their cheerleading trophies. We joined the end of the right line at the tip of the panther's tail.

Melaney pulled a folded piece of notebook paper out of her front pocket and handed it to me. My name was printed on the top in bold block letters.

"What's this?" I asked.

"Tyler gave it to me in Calculus," Melaney said with a silly grin on her face. "I was going to give it to you in Gym, but you ran off."

"What does it say?"

"I don't know. I didn't read it."

I admired Melaney's self control. I opened it up and read: DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE ON FRIDAY?

I searched for Tyler. He was smiling at me, so I didn't scare him off with my disappearing act. I glanced over at Mimi and her minions. They had their backs to me. I held up Tyler's note and shook my head. I mouthed the words, "Sorry, I'm busy," and then stuffed the note in my back pocket while inspecting the ugly black and white tiles on the floor.

I never felt sorrier, but I still wasn't allowed to date and couldn't risk Mimi finding out that Tyler was interested in me. Not yet.

"What did the note say?" Emily asked.

"He wants to go out on Friday," I replied, but my voice lacked the proper enthusiasm.

"And you told him that you're busy?" Melaney's eyes widened with disbelief.

"Remember Dean said to let Tyler chase after me for a while," I explained, trying to convince myself it wasn't the same as running away.

"Remind me. Was that before or after Dean gave you a concussion?" Melaney asked. 

Emily's jaw dropped. "What happened?"

"It's a long story that Melaney will tell you later when we're not in the school lunch line," I answered Emily while scowling at Melaney. "And Tyler knows I'm not permitted to date."

"When did you ever let permission stop you from doing what you wanted?" Melaney countered, looking confused.

"Permission is not the only problem. I'm actually more worried about retaliation." I tilted my head in Mimi's direction.

"Oh, I see . . ." Melaney nodded. "I'm sure some unlucky guy will ask her out soon."

"I hope you're right."

"I'm always right, at least 99.9 percent of the time." Melaney twirled a lock of her hair and batted her eyelashes.

I laughed. Melaney always knew what to say to make me feel better. The dubious smell of the cafeteria food did not.

"What are you having for lunch?" I asked Melaney.

"Something from the salad bar. I suppose you're having chicken nuggets?"

"Right again," I answered. "Golden nuggets of goodness."

"Drowned in barbeque sauce," Melaney added. "Emily, what are you having?"

"Pizza. I could eat pizza every day of the week."

"Oh no," Melaney moaned. "Not you too. Now I have two junk food junkies to reform."

We reached the counter, selected and paid for our food, and carried the trays to our table. On the first day of ninth grade, I had a massive panic attack in the cafeteria. Melaney informed the seniors at the table closest to the outside exit doors that I would completely freak out if I didn't get to sit there. The crazed look on my face convinced them that Melaney was telling the truth, and they allowed us to join their table.

"Since we are seniors, this is now officially our table," Melaney proclaimed as we slid onto the benches.

"I'll drink to that." I held up my milk carton as did Melaney and Emily. 

"Here's to an amazing senior year!" Melaney added.

We bumped our cartons together and then took a sip of chocolate milk. I poked a chicken nugget with my fork, dipped it in barbeque sauce, and took a nibble.

I peered across the cafeteria at Tyler's table. Todd and Heather sat between Tyler and Mimi. They had dated on and off again throughout high school. Heather sat close to Todd, whispering in his ear, so they must be on again. Stacy talked to Mimi, and Tyler watched me watching him. He had an empty seat next to him on the bench.

I so wanted to be sitting there, but I had to be patient. 

I swallowed my bite of chicken and stared at my plate of nuggets. How could I date Tyler without The Rents finding out? I wanted to ask Dean for his advice, but I doubted Melaney would let me use her phone to call him.

"What's wrong? Do you need to go outside?" Melaney asked, probably because I stopped eating.

"No. I'm okay, just thinking about our next classes. What do you have next?" I asked her.

"Emily and I have Spanish."

"With Senora Gomez," Emily added.

"I have Research in the library," I said, smiling, because the library was my happy place at school. It had lots of window nooks where I could sit and pretend to read a book. Mostly I imagined being outside, but sometimes I did homework.

"And afterwards, we have English and Chorus together. It's great to have so many classes together this year!" Melaney looked at the digital clock on the wall, and then frowned. "I just wish lunch was longer. We only have five more minutes to stuff our faces."

Melaney eyed my plate as if waiting for me to eat something else, so I obliged and ate a spoonful of corn. All three of us quickly finished our lunches and took our trays back just as the bell rang.

We dashed to our lockers and grabbed our books. Melaney and Emily headed up the steps, and I strolled to the library where I found an empty window nook and started my homework. In the forty minutes, I completed my History and Business Law and most of my Business Math.

I left the library, hiked up the steps, and found Melaney and Emily inside Mrs. Webster's classroom. They saved me a desk next to the windows.

Mrs. Webster had short, gray hair and thick, bifocal glasses. As usual, she wore a blue dress and a happy smile. She should have retired years ago, but she enjoyed teaching too much. She'd been voted the seniors' favorite teacher at Milltown High School for over a decade.

She took attendance, passed out our English books and syllabi for the course, explained her grading system and our first term paper, which was the same topic as our history project: Who is your favorite person in U.S. History? And Why? The term paper was due the day before Christmas vacation.

I half-listened to Mrs. Webster's explanation of English Literature as my mind reviewed famous Americans. Nobody interested me enough to write an eight to ten page paper about his or her life.

Mrs. Webster assigned a few pages of "The Canterbury Tales" to read in our textbooks and the corresponding chapter questions, so unfortunately, I had more homework. I wrote the assignment in my agenda.

Melaney, Emily, and I gathered our books and walked to the enormous auditorium for Chorus. The dark green auditorium had a seating capacity of 850 people with aisles on the left and the right, but no aisle in the middle. During assemblies, I refused to be trapped in the middle seat of a row. I insisted on an end seat by the exit doors.

Our Chorus teacher, Ms. Sones, directed students up the stage steps to the sign-in sheets spread out on a folding table. We waited in line to sign in by range. I was an alto, and Emily and Melaney were sopranos. Then we found aisle seats near the stage by the right exit doors.

Ms. Sones was young and energetic with bright red hair, pale blue eyes, and a dynamic voice. She had been our Chorus teacher for every year of high school. She always did auditions on the first day. Since there were over eighty people, it would take the whole class period for her to hear everyone.

"While you wait for your turn to audition, please be considerate and complete your homework or talk softly to your neighbor," Ms. Sones instructed.

She called eight students to the stage and gave them their sheet music. She sat at the piano and played "Winter Wonderland." While they sang, she listened closely to determine where each person would stand on the bleachers for practice and performances.

Emily and Melaney discussed their classes while we waited, and I read "The Canterbury Tales." We were almost the last group to audition.

Ms. Sones passed out the sheet music for "Frosty the Snowman" for us to perform. Of course, my mind wandered to memories of Tyler as Frosty in the third grade play, but I managed to sing most of the correct notes.

"That was fun!" Melaney said as we returned to our seats. "I hope we sing "Frosty" for our Christmas Program. It reminds me of the Winter Play we did in elementary school."

"Me, too," I agreed.

"Didn't Tyler play Frosty?" Emily asked.

"And Mimi was Lucy," I added.

My infatuation with Tyler began during rehearsals for Frosty, but he only had eyes for Mimi, until now. I remembered our first kiss and my cheeks flushed. Why did I tell Tyler I had a crush on him since third grade?

We collected our books and stood by the side doors waiting for the bell. When it rang, we pushed against the oncoming surge of our peers who were eager to leave school on the first day and managed to reach our lockers with no permanent injuries. I deposited my Business Law and History books and kept my English book and agenda. I only had Business Math and Canterbury questions for homework.

I survived the first day, but now I had to go home and face the music. I was certain Mrs. Shepherd had called my parents and informed them of my attempted escape. We walked out of the building and into the sunlight.

I stopped for a minute, in the middle of the sidewalk, to absorb the warm rays.  Like a river around a rock, students flowed past me on both sides. A red sports car pulled up to the curb. The passenger-side, front window rolled down, and I realized who was driving.

"Tyler!" Mrs. Price shouted. She still drove a red sports car.

He rushed past me to the car and leaned in the window. She handed him an orange and black jersey. "This is the first and last time I drop off your track clothes. They are your responsibility, not mine," she growled.

"Thank you, Mother," he replied with fake smile plastered on his face. He grabbed the shirt and walked back into the building without acknowledging me.

The car window closed. But before Tyler's mother drove away, she saw me standing on the sidewalk, staring defiantly at her. She glared at me with her evil black eyes, the same eyes as the Big Bad Wolf in my nightmare. She recognized me, and she knew that I knew: she murdered my father.

Someday, someway, she would pay for her crime.

A/N: Video above is Hope in Front of Me by Danny Gokey.

"There's a hope still burning.

 I can feel it rising through the night,

 And my world's still turning. 

 I can feel your love here by my side. 

 You are my hope.

 I still have hope."

Did you ever play hard to get with a guy, like Jasmine is with Tyler? Did it work? Let me know in the comments. 

Forever Remember to Live, Laugh, and LOVE! - 3L