For as long as I can remember I have loved him and yet I've shown him how I feel in all the wrong ways. I bullied him mercilessly all our lives. I didn't even realize how I really felt about him until I woke up one night when I was sixteen to a dream of him. I had never had a dream like it before and needless to say, it startled me completely when I woke up with my heart beating a mile a minute and my lips craving for the real thing. I knew then everything had changed.

I remember when I was about seven and thinking how cute and smart he was, but then Sally Denson came up and started talking to him making him smile and laugh. The jealousy that ripped through me even at that age was very strong. I got so mad that I pushed him in the sand at the playground and every time I saw him and Sally talking I did it again. He always got the same reaction from me when any girl talked to him that I think he subconsciously stopped talking to girls altogether. Of course, stupidly, that didn't stop me from bullying him just to get his attention any way I could and soon enough my friends joined in. As we got older, and as the years passed, others joined in as well.

It became so bad that our whole graduating class bullied him and he didn't have a single friend. By then I was in too deep. I wanted to stop but I didn't know how. How do you suddenly stop when it's the only way you get the boy you love to notice you?

Every day I would return home from school crying because of my torn apart heart. I never did it because I liked the bullying or because I wanted the attention of my peers. No, I just did it because even when I tried to be nice to him he never noticed me. It broke my heart, which then made me angry and then I just took it out on him.

Everything that's happened is my own fault, I have no one to blame but myself. I should have just stopped bullying him and told him how I feel, but I was so scared of rejection I just kept my mouth shut. Our families have never been close but we live right across from each other so I would see him every day. I watched him so much I knew his daily routine by heart.

I always loved looking at him in high school and all the years growing up. I loved his cute glasses, his shy behaviour and his handsome face. I was the only one who noticed that the older we got the more he began to fill out, his voice deepened and his looks hightened beyond comparison. I always struggled in the classes I had with him because everything else faded when all I saw was him.

I loved him more than he could imagine. I loved that anything could make him blush- even my harsh words did. I loved the way his dark brown hair fell over his eyes when he was trying to hide his deepest feelings. I loved the way he smiles when he's with his parents doing something they all enjoy together. I just wish I was strong enough to stop my mean behaviour and make him blush for the right reasons.

We're both twenty-four now, and his parents still live across the street from me. I haven't seen him since the middle of our senior year of high school. He never even came to graduation, he just left school early, all because of how smart he is. He didn't have to wait till graduation like I did, of course he was always academically inclined. He was the smartest guy I knew, still is, and that's another thing I love so much about him. I remember watching him do his homework and study. I could see him through our bedroom windows that faced each other on either side of the street.

He will never know how proud I was of him all those years ago. My mom found out from his mom our senior year that he was attending university early. I wouldn't say our mothers were friends but they were friendly with one another, so a lot of what I learned of him came from her.

When I had found out about him going to university, without I second thought I quickly ran up to my room and did a happy dance for him. Then I just stood in my room as I smiled staring out my bedroom window gazing longingly into his, wishing I could have celebrated with him. Even though we were right across from each other, his curtains were almost always closed except for the occasional cracks in between when I would get my glances of or when I could see his form through the curtains with the light behind him. I'd only get a glimpse inside when his mom opened the curtains.

I'm so glad he's never brought a girl up to his room, I'd really go mad then. Thankfully I've never even seen him invite a girl over. I've always hoped we would be each other's firsts, as stupid as that thought is. As if that could even be possible now.

It may be silly but even if he's been with other girls while he's away, I have saved myself for him. Sure I dated a few guys here and there but I never let anything get passed kissing. They always wanted more and I always tried to make things work and give more, but my heart and mind always came back to my first and only love. Him.

Hunter. Hunter Toliver. I still love how his name is so strong and yet in my foolishness I made him seem so weak all these years and he just took it silently. He may not be the strongest physically, and he may have taken my bullying and the whole schools without rebuttle but he stayed silent and never said a mean thing about anyone. I dont think he even told his parents.

He's stronger than I could ever imagine. He continued to stay the silent, kind person I always admired from a far. His mind never folding under the pressure of bullying, and that...makes him stronger than all of us.

I haven't seen him in years. A part of me is scared that I never will again. Maybe he's moved on and I've pushed him so far away he will never want to come back to our neighbourhood. I honestly wouldn't blame him if he did, after everything I have done to him, I don't deserve to even get a small glimpse of him after all the pain I inflicted.

But then one day all my fears are erased and my Hope's restored.

He comes back...

*****

I'm working outside the front of my house. My parents have both died in a car accident six months ago and they signed everything they own- including our house- to me in their will. Our family has never had debt problems, my parents truly owned this house and now it's mine. I just wish I hadn't gotten it this way. Tears fall down my face and I wipe it with my muddy hands, surely painting my face with brown streaks. I cant help but cry away my pain a little longer, ruining myself further with each swipe of my hands I'm sure.

It's a hot summer day and I'm working out in my front garden as I noticed it needed a bit of cleaning and organizing this morning so I can plant my favourite roses. I'm working on my hands and knees, turning the soil and preparing it for my flowers so they can start growing and blooming soon. I work in a summer dress that is comfortable and allows me free movement without it getting in the way of my task. I've always loved the compliments I receive in this dress, I've been told a few times how beautiful I look in it, even though I currently have dirt smudges in some places.

Without turning to look around and stay focused on my gardening, I hear a car driving up the street. It's not until I hear a car door slam and a woman's voice happily shouts out the name of the person I've wanted to see for seven years that I snap my head up from the ground before looking back down as if nothing happened but my ears are still listening. I crouch frozen and tense in my place, head bowed to the ground with my black curtain of hair shielding my face. Trying to give the impression I am unmoved by what's going on behind me.

"Hunter, you're finally home. I can't believe after all these years you're finally back! Welcome home, sweetie. I made your favourite for dinner tonight." I can only hear a mumble of words from a deep voice but can't make out what is said with how low he has spoken. "Come inside, we will eat in a few minutes." I heard footsteps moving away but suddenly stop, "hmm, I see Violet is in her garden again. Maybe I should invite her to your return dinner. She must be so lonely in that big house all by herself. Poor dear."

I can't stand the sound of pity in the voices of others but I don't feel it as strongly coming from Mrs. Toliver, she's been such a good neighbour. Constantly making me little meals, checking up on me to see how I'm doing. It's nice to be cared for now and again.

"Why? What are you talking about? What happened?" His words come out clear, the sound of his voice so deep, deeper than when we were in school I feel shivers run up my spine with aware. My sense of attraction to him is still there. I don't even know what he looks like now but yet that attraction still hasn't died, it seems it's only become stronger.

"Oh, didn't I tell you dear?" I don't hear any response but from her continuing as if he gave an answer I assume he must have shaken his head as a gesture for her to continue. Her voice lowers to an almost inaudible whisper but I don't need to hear her words to know what she's telling him.

"Well, her parents died in a horrific car accident...must be coming up on six months or so now. She's changed so much over the years, so different now. Don't think I didn't know how mean she was to you, a mother knows these things, don't look so shocked. But now she's all alone, taking care of that house of her's. She's so much more quiet, almost shy. She rarely speaks to anyone, even with me she's short when I make a point to talk to her. She's not as angry too, just...sad. I feel so greatly for her. I don't think she even has a single friend anymore. They all disappeared after she pushed them all away, especially with her computer programming job that allows her to continuously work from home. No human contact can't be healthy for a person so young."

It's as she finishes speaking that I feel two sets of eyes on my back. One his, one her's. Pain washes through me as I'm reminded of my faults, my selfishness set out before me. All of it is my fault. Their deaths are on me, no one else. My shoulders stiffen in awareness even more. I can't help to try and wipe away the tears with my hands. To try to make it look like I'm not crying. I don't know if I've succeeded.

His mother's next words are spoken so softly. "Sweetheart, I have a great idea. Why don't you invite her? Let her join us for dinner and included her in celebrating your return! I think that's a great idea! You go and invite her now, I have to make a few changes inside." I hear her walk quickly inside and close the door behind her. After a few seconds I hear a deep sigh leave his chest, the feeling of his eyes hasn't left me and I hear his footsteps approach my small form. I can hear him swearing under his breath but nothing more.

The closer he gets the more tense I become that I'm almost sick to my stomach.

"Violet."

I gasp at his proximity, my heart doing double time just like it did all those years ago. I don't answer for a few minutes and he doesn't say anything more, he just stands there, watching me.

As if speaking on a breath I answer softly, "Hunter. What do you want?"

I don't get up from the ground and I don't turn to look at him. With the pain in my chest, the tears still pouring down my face and the dirt smudges I can feel hardening on my face as the tears slow, I keep my back turned away. He can't see me like this.

"I- I've returned back home after all this time and my mom is having a special family dinner. She thought you might like to come. It would be really great to have you there."

I snort in reply, the growing cynic in me comes out. "Really? After all these years you want your life long bully to come to your house? Haven't I ruined your life enough? Having me there would just make matters worse for you. Thanks but no thanks."

Without looking at him I get up, dust the dirt off my knees, throw down my gardening tools and walk towards my front door. The gasp that leaves his lips lets me know he's seen my side profile, the tears and dirt that have mixed together on my face.

I walk up the steps to my front door. Just as I open it I hear him speak again. "Violet please, it would really make my mom happy and we can at least try to put the past behind us. I'm sure you're not the same mean girl anymore."

I turn my head towards him but not my body and yell, "how would you know? Huh? It's been seven years and you hardly know me. I may be older but I'm also not the kind of person anyone would want to be around!"

I continue to stand there, my breathing coming out in pants as the anger rises within me.

"Violet, please?"

I just stand there without saying a word and he stands there unmoving, eyes never leaving the back of my head and I fold under his prescence.

"Okay, fine! I'll be over in half an hour. Don't say I didn't warn you!"

Without another word I storm into my house and just as I'm about to close the door my ear catches whispered words on the wind. I tell myself I imagine it.

"Oh, Violet."

Compassion, sympathy, pity. The three things I've begun to hate over the last six months but to hear it from him makes it so much harder. I shut and lock my door, leaning against it as I tilt my chin upwards and try to will my bottom lip into stillness.

How am I going to get through this dinner?

*****

I arrive at his home thirty minutes later on the dot. Showered, changed and bracing myself for what is to come. I'm wearing my bright red sundress with tiny yellow and pink flowers on it. Half my hair is pulled up so it falls nicely over my shoulders but I'm too lazy for makeup. I haven't put on makeup for some time. I just don't care anymore.

I awkwardly adjust the large pot of roses in my hands to knock on the door without dropping them. After a few minutes go by the door is opened by his father, John Toliver. He looks almost exactly like Hunter but with different coloured eyes and of course he's a good few years older.

"Hello Violet, why don't you come in. Dinner is almost ready."

He turns to walk away but I catch his attention, "these roses are for Mrs. Toliver to plant in your garden. If she doesn't mind I can plant them for her." I stand there awkwardly and move to hand the flowers to him.

He takes them from me and proceeds to walk away again. "That's very good of you, you didn't have to. If you like you can make yourself comfortable in the living room while I take these to the kitchen." He nods in the direction of a door to what I assume leads to the living room. "I'll be with you in a moment, make yourself at home."

"It's no problem. I was taught that you never come to anyone's home without-" as I was talking I began to open the door to the living room and started to walk through but freeze. My green eyes connect with his chocolate brown ones. Oh, how I should have been more prepared for this. His beauty takes my breath away. I've never seen a more handsome man, he has grown into more than I could ever imagine.

We continue to stare at each other before his dad coughs behind me and snaps us both out of our trance. I look away first.

"Oh, uh, thank you for welcoming me into your home, sir." I chastise myself for stuttering, the words caught in my throat after seeing him. How could I let this happen?

My face is as red as a tomato I'm sure. "Hmm, something smells good. I better check on how that food is coming along. Again Violet, make yourself at home."

He walks away and I have no idea what to do other than stare at the ground and stay in place. I breathe in deeply but realize what a bad idea that is soon after as I take in the sweet but masculan scent of him.

He takes a step towards me, reaching out his hand and without thinking I take a staggering step back. He doesn't move after that but just looks at me. While my head is still down I look up at him through my lashes. His face is one of surprise and concern, I can see it etched in every part of him.

"Sorry, I don't mean to scare you. How about we sit down and talk?" He moves away and I can breathe again but there is a sharp pain in my chest at the loss too, I don't like the feeling. I do follow him though and sit in the chair furthest from him.

We sit in silence for a few minutes before he coughs and speaks up, "so I hear you are a computer programmer? That must be interesting. How is that going?"

I shrug, "it's fine. It's really not that interesting, quite boring actually but it's what I do." I don't ask him anything about him, what hes been doing since he's been gone, how his life is. All the questions I want answers to but don't have the guts to ask.

"Well, as I'm sure you noticed senior year I left a bit early before the end of the year. I had been taking university course at the same time to become a doctor and chose the path of neurology. I was doing the online course since grade ten so I'm pretty much an official doctor now. But I won't bore you with the details of that, I doubt you want to hear my work on the human brain."

Again, as he stops talking I don't say anything. I just sit there and fiddle my fingers in my lap. I still haven't looked up at him but hearing of what he's been doing all these years, how he's been doing all these years makes me proud.

"Wow, you're really beautiful when you smile you know that? You should do it more often." Now I look up at him, confusion marking my face that I know he sees.

"You suddenly started smiling for some reason as I was talking. Wanna tell me why?" I look down again but look back up, how am I going to last a whole meal with him.

I quickly get up, ready to leave. "This was a bad idea, I should never have come. I thought I could handle this but I can't." I start to walk away but before I know it my arm is grabbed and I'm turned around.

He places his fingers under my chin and lifts my head up to his level, I don't stare into his eyes but only at his chin. "Vi, will you look at me, please?" That name, no one has called my that endearing name, not even my parents. They always called me Lottie.

I snap my eyes to his on a gasp. Our games connect and hold. He leans a little closer to me, "what can't you do? Tell me Vi, I can't wait you be like this. You used to be so strong and confident. The great Violet Denant. What happened to her?"

Tears pool in my eyes and my throat closes up so the next words that leave my lips and hoarse. "Its hard seeing you, knowing what I've done to you. The pain I've inflicted. I hate myself for what I did. I-I promised myself and my parents the day they died that if I ever saw you again I would-" I cut myself off from completely confessing, I can't do this.

Tears begin to fall from my eyes and he starts to brush them away. His kindness makes my heart squeeze painful at the realization that he's only doing it out of pity. "That you would what? What did you promise? I'm here before you now so just say it."

I push myself harshly out of his gasp that I didn't even realize he has wrapped his arms around me. He tries to reach for me again but I sweat away his hands. A familiar anger rushes through me and I can't help but use it against him once again. "Please. Don't act like you care when all you feel is pity. I am so sick and tired of people feeling sorry for me. All they do is gaze at me like I'm so broken doll. Everywhere I go they look at me as if I'm about to fall to the ground in tears. I am bit fragile, I am not broken. It's not them who have to live with the continuous guilt of having killed their parents, I do. I have to." I point to myself continuously, emphasizing my words with each point to my chest.

"Violet, my mom told me after I came in the house. A drunk driver killed them not you, how could you think that?"

I walk towards him and push him in my frustration. Yelling in his face and pushing him onto the couch. "Dont you get it? I did kill them! They would have even been on the road if it weren't for me but being the stupid girl I was I begged them to get me my favourite ice cream. We were having a wonderful dinner and were about to eat dessert but I wanted my favourite ice cream, and so off they went to get it for me. I keep pushing the people I love away. First, I pushed you away with my torment of you. Now, I've gone and killed my parents, and here I am all alone! I deserve to feel this way, I deserve it all. I hate this, I hate you. Why did you have to come back? I was so happy to hear you left early because of how smart you were, but my heart broke knowing the boy I love is gone! Now my parents are dead and I am a living cancer!"

I stopped my rant, breathing heavily. Not even knowing half of what I've said until I look down into his face. I was pacing the whole time but again stop dead in my tracks before it hits me. I told him, I told him how I feel about him. "I guess I really kept my promise after all, you finally know the truth."

Without another word I run out of the room and out of his house, so focused on escaping I don't notice the figure chasing after me. For the second time my arm is grabbed but this time I am spun around and into his arms.

The side of my face is pressed to his chest as he holds me and I take deep breaths to calm myself. "You love me? How is that even possible? All you did for as long as I can remember is treat me harshly and yet you love me? I am so confused right now."

I try and pull back to look at him but he holds me tightly that I soon give in. "I have loved you ever since we were seven."

"Seven? Wow, I would have never guessed with how you treated me. I remember my parents and teachers hinting at it but never imagined they were right. Who would have guessed you love me." He started to run his fingers through my hair and my eyes began to close at the feeling of it.

I push at his chest again trying to escape but his hold around me is impossible to break out of. "Rub it in why don't you? You know what? Forget what I said, I hate you!"

He chuckles at my words and presses a soft kiss to the top of my hair. I freeze at the contact. "Why did you do it then? Why bully me and get everyone into doing it, too?"

The question makes me deflate in his arms, and I try push myself into his warm embrace further. A feeling of shame washing over me that my cheeks turn red for the second time in the last hour. "I'm so sorry, I never meant for it to go that far. I was just scared you would reject me. I'm a stupid girl, okay? It all started with Sally Benson talked to you and made you smile and I got jealous so I treated you badly. Then after that I didn't everything I could go get you to pay attention to me and I bullied you even more. I couldn't stop when others started in on you too and I was to embarrassed to say anything. I was so weak, so foolish. I used to watch you from my room all the time that I began to memorize your daily routine. I don't mean in a creepy way either, I just, I always wanted to know everything about you. I was glad our mom's talked because that was the only way I really knew anything."

His fingers running along my head and playing at the top of my neck was calming me so much that my tears stopped falling. Why was he being so nice to me. "You know, you didn't have to bully me to get my attention. You always had it. I've liked you since we were thirteen but even before that I always noticed you. I loved that our mom's talked to each other too because through them I got to know who the real you was. I listened to every word as if the information was the most precious thing in the world. I am so sorry to hear about your parents but please don't blame yourself. You really didn't kill them, even if you didn't beg for that ice cream it's still the drink drivers fault. They would have been fine if it he had been smart and decided not to drive that intoxicated."

He kissed the top of my head again and I sigh in his arms. More at peace than I have been in a long time. Silent tears began to fall from my eyes again but for a completely different reason. "You know, I think I've been waiting to hear those words for a long time now. I'm glad it took you for you to come home for me to hear it."

"I'm glad I came back. Although you've loved me for so long it took you coming back, to see you crying while gardening while hearing about the tradgety of your parents for me to realize how much I love you too."

I think being lost in his words made he relax enough so when what he said fully registered I was able to pull back enough to look up to him. "What!"

He looks down at me, speaks quietly and I swear I can see a light in his eyes I never have before, "you heard me. I love you too, I always have. I just didn't know it." I stare at him without being able to speak. What do you say to all your dreams coming true in one night? I self satisfied smirk lifts his mouth "I can see I've left you speechless, so how about we go back into dinner with my parents. Now we really have something to celebrate."

He wipes my face and begins to pull me behind him. My mouth is still hanging open, unable to close as I follow blindly behind him.