A/N- GUYS I GET TO SEE TØP THIS SATURDAY I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS SINCE MARCH I'M SO EXCITED OML THIS WILL BE MY 2ND TIME SEEING THEM AND I JUST AKFJCISISKWNDNIS

I feel kind of bad. Ok, I feel really bad. I know I've been acting weird around Josh and I know he can tell I'm not doing so good right now. I know that I've been ignoring him the past couple days.

His text that I never answered seems to make my phone weigh heavier in my pocket as a reminder of how shitty of a friend I'm being right now. But quite frankly, I can't afford to care.

I have to take care of myself first. The band comes second, even if that means putting Josh on hold for now.

I came to the park to clear my mind. I always feel more at ease here, there are no expectations of me. I don't have to worry about the future or what other people think; I can just walk and enjoy myself. Also the fresh air and sunshine always help clear away the cobwebs in my mind, helping me understand my thoughts.

I looked to my left and saw two familiar kids playing with a familiar looking ball. Patrick was wearing his tiny fedora again and Pete at this point was just running around and screaming nonsense that I think was supposed to be poetry.

I smiled at the sight of them; I remember when life was that easy for me. I just wish it could've stayed that way. When my main concern in life was if my mom remembered to pack a juice pouch and fruit snacks in my lunch box for school.

As I kept walking I reached the section of the park where I normally busk. I had thought about doing that today but decided against it. I needed my mind to be free enough to think, but not free enough to think too much (which is what has been happening to me when I drive ever since my freaking radio got stolen.)

I was just innocently walking along, when out of nowhere someone ran in front of me and stopped right in my path. It scared me a bit and at first I was confused at who would do this and why, but when I registered who it was my gut dropped.

Josh.

And he did not look happy, but I can't really blame him. He crossed his arms over his chest and started me straight in the eyes, but I refused to say anything, so he spoke first.

"Why have you been ignoring me? Even just a simple ok would've have been nice! I've been worried about you! Did I do something wrong? Tell me whatever it was so I can make sure to not do that again, but I really want us- this band- to work. That can't happen if you won't even talk to me! I know I barely know you but-"

"Exactly! You barely know me, so leave me alone! I don't need you hovering over me all the time! All you're doing is making things worse! My anxiety is flaring up and you constantly bugging me is not helping anything so just back off, ok?!"

I surprised myself with my own words, but I realized what I was doing. I was pushing him away; I had done this to countless others last time my anxiety got this bad.

I'd push them away in hopes of not hurting them further until I got myself figured out, but after I'd get better it'd be too late to reach out to them. They wanted nothing to do with me. It's self-destructive and it has never worked before, and yet I continue to do this to myself.

"How am I supposed to know what to do when you won't freaking talk to me? A simple text saying my anxiety is bad we need to take a break would've been fine! I would've understood and left you alone as much as you needed me to, but you left me in the dark! I didn't even know if you were still alive damn it!"

It hit me that Josh was worried I might've even gone as far as to kill myself. He cared about me, but yet I still continued to push. I wanted him to feel the same way about me as I feel about myself. I wanted him to tell me I deserve to feel the way I do. I wanted him to say he hated me.

At least I thought I did until he actually did say it. Then my heart shattered and I knew I wanted him to be the one to help me pick up the pieces, but it was too late for that.

More hateful words were exchanged, I ended up kicking Josh out of the band, and then he angrily walked away from me without looking back once.

This was what I subconsciously wanted to happen. So why do I feel like I've lost instead of won?

I shook my head and started walking back to my car; I didn't want to be here anymore. Things didn't look pretty now. They looked like they were mocking me.

I sat in the silent car at a red-light. The silence was killing me. It didn't help clear away the tears running down my cheeks like music does; it only encouraged them to keep flowing.

I let out a loud scream and beat my hands on my steering wheel. The people in the car next to me were staring at me, I could feel their eyes burning into the side of my face but I could care less. They didn't know what I've just been through. They don't know the half of the abuse I've been putting myself through.

When I got home I was greeted with more silence. It seems I can never escape it. My parents were at work, my siblings were at school and probably going to friend's houses afterwards. It'd be just me until around seven or eight tonight when my parents got home.

I made my way to my room and immediately put a CD into my stereo and turned the volume up as loud as it would go in a desperate attempt to keep Josh's words from earlier from replaying over and over in my head like they were on the drive home.

When my parents got home it was the usual questions about jobs and college and none about how I was feeling or my day. I went to bed early and sat up in my room.

Not even the music was helping anymore. Hours passed as I fought with my mind and got nowhere. I know who I need; I just hope he'll listen to me. Hear me out.

I need my Thief.

A/N- Whoo-hoo, officially done with this story now! I'm over half way done editing Cat On The Balcony, then I'll edit my ghost books, this book, and then I'll get to updating that Brallon book for you guys!

After the Brallon will be the mini book for the ghost series, but that's still a long ways off haha! Thank you guys so much for your continuous support and coming with me this far, it means the absolute world to me! Love you all, stay alive |-/