Chapter 42

My phone rang.

I saw Lui's name.

But I didn't answer his call. I stared at it until the call ended... and then I saw a text appear on the screen of my phone.

'Call me when you see this.'

Humigpit iyong pagkaka-hawak ko hanggang sa mapansin ko na nalukot iyong papel. Agad na binitawan ko iyon at sinubukang tuwirin. Bumalik ako sa pagkaka-upo sa upuan ko. Pinikit ko iyong mga mata ko at huminga ako nang malalim.

It's impossible...

Hindi gagawin ni Lui 'yon. He couldn't possibly be behind what happened to the witness. Dahil kahit iyong sa dati, kaya ko pang ipaliwanag sa utak ko. Na nagsinungaling siya pero tama naman siya... wala siyang ginawa doon sa initiation. That there may have things that he's involved in... but he was always just passively there... never actively.

But wasn't that just the same?

Or maybe even worse?

Because he's letting it all happen just the same?

I didn't know how to function while knowing or not knowing this. Hindi ko ibinalik iyong tawag ni Lui. I told myself to focus on things that I could control. Mababaliw ako kung iisipin ko lahat ng bagay na wala akong kontrol sa trabaho ko. I kept on telling myself na sandali na lang, makaka-alis din ako sa prosecution. I'd be able to work on another job that will hopefully pay well and will allow me to handle case that I actually care about.

Iyan na lang ang gusto kong sabihin sa sarili ko.

I went to the office and continued doing what I was expected to do. I still had other cases that I needed to focus on. I knew what happened to the witness was horrible... but I just couldn't let myself think too much about that.

At least not right now.

"Iyong pinapa-kuha—"

Agad na natigilan ako nang makita ko na si Lui iyong pumasok sa opisina ko.

"Didn't you read my message?" bungad na tanong niya.

Ibinalik ko iyong tingin ko sa mga papel na nasa harapan ko. "I'm busy," I told him instead.

But of course he didn't leave. Why would he kung alam naming pareho kung bakit siya nandito?

"You know I had nothing—"

"I told you, marami akong ginagawa," I said, immediately cutting him off.

"Do you seriously think I can do that?"

I looked at him. I pursed my lips together. No words came out of my mouth, but even my silence was answer enough. I saw the pain cross his face. This was why I didn't want to see him or at least talk to him. Dahil alam ko na hindi niya magugustuhan kung anuman ang sasabihin ko.

"Wow..." mahinang sabi niya.

"Lui, please—"

"Why do you think I'd do that, Tali? It's just a fucking case—"

"A case that you're losing."

I saw his jaw clenching. "According to who?" he asked, looking straight into my eyes. "According to you? According to one witness examination?" diretso niyang tanong. "I know you're good, pero ang taas naman ng tingin mo sa sarili mo para isipin mo na kailangan kong magpa-patay ng witness para lang manalo sa kaso."

Pilit akong huminga nang malalim.

"Can we please talk about this later?" I asked because the last thing I wanted was to make a scene in my workplace. I was doing a great job with keeping my head down. I just wanted to leave this place without making any noise.

Instead of leaving, malakas na isinara ni Lui iyong pinto.

"There. Fucking privacy," sabi niya pagka-sara ng pinto.

"Lui—"

"No. We'll talk about this now," he said. "I gave you plenty of time already. You can't keep on doing this, Tali. You keep on telling me that you don't want to break-up, but why do you do this?" pahina nang pahina ang boses na tanong niya habang diretsong naka-tingin sa 'kin. "Do you want to be with me so you can torture me? So that you can keep me close while pushing me away? Ano ba'ng gusto mo?"

Hindi ako makapagsalita. I knew what I wanted, but I couldn't say it. Because I was ashamed of what I really wanted.

"Because I gave you what you asked for. You told me to be honest. I was honest! That's what you asked for, right? Honesty?"

Ramdam ko iyong panginginig ng mga kamay ko at pagsikip ng dibdib ko. I just wanted him to leave, but I knew that he wouldn't leave me until he got what he wanted from me.

"For fuck's sake, answer me! Because you told me to be honest, yet you're weaponizing my honesty against me!"

Mabilis akong umiling. "No."

"No?" he asked, his chest heaving along mine. "Because ever since that day, I can see how you look at me. You look at me like you're disgusted—" Mabilis akong umiling. "God, just be honest for once."

"I am not."

"You're such a coward—"

"I am not disgusted with you—I am disgusted with myself. Kasi bakit ba sa lahat ng tao sa mundo, sa 'yo pa ako nagka-gusto?!"

"And what's so wrong with me?!"

"God, look at the fucking mirror, Lui! You live in a different reality than me kaya sa tingin mo, ayos lang lahat ng ginagawa mo. Na ayos lang na ganon iyong sa business ng pamilya mo kasi ano? Wala ka namang kinalaman doon? Na ayos lang iyong sa may initiation mo kasi ano? Hindi mo naman hinawakan iyong paddle? Na ayos lang naman iyong nangyari kay Samuel kasi ano? Hindi naman ikaw iyong nagtake at bumagsak sa exam? At ano? Ayos lang din iyong nangyari sa witness kasi ano? Hindi naman ikaw iyong direkta na nagpapatay? Ano? At most, binigyan mo lang ng idea iyong client mo?"

I could feel myself shaking as I said the thoughts that have been plaguing my head.

"Because nothing's ever your fault, right?"

I knew the hurt that I inflicted with the words that I said... but he wanted to hear this from me. And to a degree, he probably already knew about it.

We were just delaying the inevitable.

"You're just like them."

"Tell me," he said. "Please. Tell me about myself."

I felt my jaw clenching. I wanted to stop myself. I knew words could hurt and I should stop while I was still ahead.

"At the end of the day, you're just like them. A rich kid who can get away with everything because of daddy's money."

I felt my hurt throbbing when I saw tears forming around his eyes. I could see him holding back the tears. My chest kept on tightening. I hated that we're hurting each other like this.

"Finally. Some honesty," sabi niya habang diretsong naka-tingin sa akin. "Thank you."

"Tell me," I said. "Tell me something about myself," I asked him because I wanted to give him the chance to hurt me too. Pakiramdam ko ay dapat na masaktan din ako dahil sa mga sinabi ko sa kanya.

Mabilis siyang umiling.

"No," he said. "We're not the same, Italia—I won't purposely go out of my way to hurt you."

I could just hear the sound of my heart breaking.

"But thank you. At least now I know what you really think of me," muling sabi niya. "This is a lesson learned for me. That even you... who claims to love me... can't handle my truth. Thanks, Italia. Thank you."

Then he put his hands inside his pockets.

"I guess that's it then," he said. "We're done."

I felt a lump forming on my throat.

Naka-tingin siya sa akin na para bang hinihintay niya na pigilan ko siya, na sabihin ko sa kanya na hindi kami hiwalay kagaya ng palagi kong ginagawa dati.

I couldn't exactly blame him.

Bobo naman talaga ako pagdating sa kanya.

"You can't say that we didn't try," he said when he heard nothing from my end. I didn't protest. I didn't tell him we're not over. I simply... accepted.

Lui turned around. But before he could turn the knob, I called his name. Agad siyang natigilan, pero hindi siya humarap sa 'kin.

"Did you do it?" I asked.

"Does it even matter?" he asked back. "You already think the worst of me anyway."

I watched as he left.

I heard the closing of the door.

I guess that was it then.

We're done—just like that.

* * *

There was no adjustment period—at least on my part. We were barely talking before the break-up inevitably happened. Alisha kept on asking me about Lui, but I didn't want to talk about it. I actually didn't talk about it with anyone. Kasi pakiramdam ko, ang gago ko. Dahil tama naman si Lui. Ako iyong pumilit sa kanya na sabihin sa akin lahat... but he's right.

He showed me who he is and I didn't like it.

I couldn't deal with it.

I immediately clicked on the notification nang may matanggap ako na e-mail. It was from the prosecutor who replaced me. I asked her for a favor to keep me on the loop sa mga kaso na inendorse ko sa kanya.

Hindi ko agad mapindot iyong attachment nang makita ko na decision iyon sa kaso ng People v Revilla. It felt like it was just yesterday nang una kong hawakan iyong kaso na 'to. Nung magtalo kami ni Lui hanggang sa mauwi kami sa sigawan.

Nung muli kaming magkita sa korte at binati lang namin ang isa't-isa na para bang walang nangyari.

'Wherefore, the accused Stephen Revilla is ACQUITTED on reasonable doubt and is ORDERED to be IMMEDIATELY RELEASED from detention, unless he is being lawfully held for another cause.'

My eyes quickly scanned the decision. Agad na napaawang iyong labi ko nang makita ko kung ano iyong ginamit niya na defense. I knew that his client was guilty, but I was in awe sa kung paano niya nagamit iyong technicality para ma-overthrow iyong evidence. And all the other cases he referenced for the acquittal.

He's good—like what he told me before.

A part of me wanted to text him to congratulate him because he actually did well... but a huge part of me didn't want to. I kept on thinking about the words that I told him. I knew they hurt—a lot. Hindi naman ganoon kakapal ang mukha ko para magpakita pa sa kanya pagkatapos ng lahat ng mga masasakit na salitang sinabi ko sa kanya.

Besides, life's more peaceful now for me.

I mainly work as an arbitrator. Madalas ay nasa Singapore ako dahil doon ginaganap iyong arbitration. My work is to find a middle ground for the parties to give them what they want. It's a tedious process, but it pays really well—na tipong narinig na ata ni Lord lahat ng hinaing ko na hindi ako pinanganak sa generational wealth kaya binigyan niya ako ng sarili kong generational wealth.

I gave my Tito some money para kumuha pa ng ilang lawyer sa private practice niya. I wanted to handle cases, but I knew that I couldn't do it alone—plus main source of income ko talaga iyong sa arbitration at mediation. So, I just handle few cases at a time. Pinipili ko lang iyong mga kaso na hawak ko. Niloko ako minsan ni Tito na pinipili ko lang iyong kaso na kaya kong ipanalo. Honestly, I just take every case personally now kaya hindi talaga ako natatalo. Saka wala na kasi akong boss na pipigil sa mga gusto kong gawin.

I was walking back to my hotel. Kaka-tapos lang nung first round ng discussion namin sa may arbitration nang may makita akong tumatawag sa akin. It was an unregistered number kaya naman 'di ko sinagot iyong tawag. Tapos ay naka-receive ako ng message.

'Hey, Tali. It's Nikolai. Do you have time to talk? Thanks it's urgent.'

**

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