hello hallo, alle sammen!

i know probably not a single soul is reading this "book", but i feel like a must your my heart out somewhere. like... anywhere.

the last few weeks were... tough. or more like pure shit.

but i feel like i don't have a right to complain. here i am, using my right to education, i earned my place in the university, i worked hard for those grades to get in, which pretty much my dream. i wanted to leave my community in high school and looked forward to those people who... are more like me. that's what my mom said all the time. wait for university, it will be so so easier to make friends there.

well, now i'm a second year university student, learning about scandinavian studies. which pretty much means that i'm learning norwegian. that's the main shit here.

and i SHOULDN'T HAVE A SINGLE REASON TO COMPLAIN. 

i'm not even a third year yet, i don't have to write my thesis yet, i don't have a job outside uni, i don't have  minor classes, i live at home with my parents. i'm not even on science major, i don't even study engineering . i'm just an easy ass language major.

i don't have social life. (therefore) i don't have a boyfriend. i have fantastic friends who have my back all the freaking time. but they are not next to me every single day. they can't hug me, they can't give me strength, just by texts. i haven't got friends in university. i only have girls who i'm talking to, but i don't tell them really deep things, and we don't meet every day and every class.

when i hear that one of my friends started to run, i'm damn proud and i'm happy for her success. on the other hand, i'm ashamed because i'm chubby as hell and I CAN'T DO SPORTS. I'M TOO WEAK FOR EVERYTHING. i can't run, i am week, my psychic is crap as hell, i don't have the time or the energy to start anything.

i'm always the weak one. the one who gives up too easily. the one who can't study much because she gets impatient. the one who can't and won't do sports. the one who can't go to parties because she is not strong enough mentally or her stomach won't take it. the one who can't get a job because she is too damn scared that she will fail in school and fall into a deeper hole than she is in right now.

you know, i have great examples. my mom works at a special ed school as the "helper of the teacher" (i can't find a better english word for that), so she have spent the last 20 years to teach autistic and other handicapped children to handle life and teach them in school. in the last few years, she started to go to several - rich - families to clean their houses. this is her second job.

and this year she started university too, to became a primary school teacher. so she works at two jobs and she is studying.

she cooks for us, takes care of us, and she is the kindest person alive.

my mom is a freaking superwoman.

she has two great fears that i know of.

1. that my grandma - who lives with us - will be disabled, crippled, she has to be taken care of on her last days, weeks and months. all day everyday. and my mom wouldn't take it. not mentally to be around my cranky, sometimes rude mother who is sick, not financially that she can't work.

2. my dad will be injured, so HE can't work.

this second one is the accurate worry now.

my dad has a physical job. he is room painter, he works at constructions and houses, he is on the ladder all the time. he needs his leg.

right now... he can't even stand up in the  last few days.

you see, hungary has free health care, that's a fact. that doesn't mean that you don't have to wait. my dad got and appointment for an mri in july!! July!!! it's november!!!

of course, there are private cliniques too. where you get an appointment pretty much immediately. but you have to pay up if you want to be cared.

my dad could go to work yesterday. in the morning today, he could even stand up from the bed.

one month before christmas... we can't afford a private examination. nor that my dad can't work.

my dad is the one who can gain more money. every few years for a few months, he got a job in austria, where he earned a lot more money. and those months, we were okay.

he is the one that can work more "self-employed"-ly in the afternoons and weekends after his regular job.

i'm fine.

i try to tell myself that we will be okay.

i know that i have to take care of myself mentally. because i'm not in a good place. several days, i'm not okay.

today is one of those days. but i try to believe that tomorrow will be better.

i try to tell myself that me and we deserve more, and we don't deserve this pain and struggle.