"Mum, you're hovering again." I said.

I was watching Insecure on HBO in my parent's living room with a big bowl of buttered popcorn sitting on my lap. My mother was supposed to be working in her study but instead she'd spent one too many minutes checking on me to see if I hadn't had a heart attack or whatever.

"Sorry," she said. Her creame cardigan hugged her small frame as she stood by the kitchen door with her hands crossed in front of her.

"You didn't have to take leave just because I'm here mum." I added.

"I know, but I wanted to." My mother was a bit overbearing sometimes but I knew it came from a good place.

"Can I borrow your car later? I have somewhere to be." I asked.

I was supposed to go to support group in two hours and since I came straight home from the hospital, I didn't bring my car with.

"Sure." My mother answered, something about the tone of her voice sounded unsure. I let it slide and chalked it up to her ovethinking things as she always did.

I waited to hear her footsteps fade into the background before pressing the play button. I was half way through the season and I didn't want the show to end. Issa Rae was a freaking genius.

I shoved a huge handful of popcorn in my mouth and washed it down with Pepsi.

Before I knew it, time was up and I had to prepare to go to the meeting.

I was in the middle of buttoning up my floral shirt when I stopped to look at myself. I still pretty much looked the same on the outside. My caramel coloured skin sprinkled with beauty marks here and there and my dishevelled curls were still somewhat intact.

I looked fine, like my insides weren't in turmoil. Like I wasn't itching to peel of my skin so I could stop thinking about where his hands had touched me.

I looked fine, but I wasn't.

I was startled by a hand on my shoulder and unfortunately for whoever it was, I sent them falling down onto the floor.

"Wilhem!" My mother screamed, looking back at me in horror.

"Mum, I'm so sorry." I helped her get up, taking her slim arms in my hands and pulling her up. "I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have snuck up on me like that."

"I'd been calling out for you and you weren't responding." Her small eyes searching mine. "Are you okay?"

Her palm pressed against my cheek.

"I'm just a bit shaken up that's all. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"I'm fine, it's you I'm worried about." She confessed.

"No need to worry about me mum. I'm fine," I looked at my watch and if I wanted to make it to the meeting I had to leave immediately.

"I have to go, talk you later." I kissed my mother goodbye before rushing out the house.

The guilt of having pushed my mother like that settled in the pit of my stomach the whole drive to Foxdale.

I was tapping nervously on the steering wheel as I drove and all I could see was the look of horror on my mother's face when I'd pushed her.

How could I have done that to her?

I was losing my mind and it was taking everything in my not to do a u-turn back to my house and spent the rest of my day curled up in ball eating ice cream.

Right now I was holding onto the fact that the support group might actually help me through all these emotions. I was expected a lot from this meeting and I wish I'd brought someone to come with me incase shit hit the fan.

I could have taken Vimla but I wasn't talking to her right now. She was still calling me and trying to get a hold of me but I wouldn't return any of her texts or calls.

It was hard getting over her initial reaction to my rape. I'd confessed something so personal, so damning and for her to react the way she did was like a slap to the face.

My negative feelings towards her were slowly disappearing but they were still there.

I pulled into the parking lot of the address the doctor gave me. The building looked a little bit worn out, it's coffee coloured paint peeling off at some parts. The black door on the right was wide open, and the other was shut with a simple piece of paper written "Support Group" on the left side of the door.

I turned off the car, grabbing my phone from the dashboard before  heading out.

The room was your typical support group setting, as seen on television; chairs set up in a circle in the middle of the room with a table of refreshments in the corner.

One thing caught my eye, no boys.

Great.

A dark, silky haired lady with olive skin approached me, "Hello, are you here for the meeting?"

I played with my car keys and timidly said,"Yes."

"Please take a seat, we'll be starting shortly." Her hand brushed lightly over my shoulders before she rounded up the rest of the group.

Looking around, there were so many different girls there. One that stood out to me was a green-haired girl whose skin was mapped in tattoos. She was tapping her army boots incessantly against the floor board.

"Okay, now that we're all here let's begin. We have a new comer today." She gestured towards me. "Would you like to introduce yourself?"

Suddenly all eyes were on me and my heart started racing.

"Hello everybody my name is Wilhem and I was raped." I told the group.

The group reiterated the generic nice to meet you Wilhem.

"Look , I don't mean no disrespect but you're. . ." the girl in the green hair said as she gestured to me.

Apart from my feminine physical features, my demeanour was also really feminine. It wasnt exactly a reach to think that I was gay. Not to mention the fact that I wore make-up and pale pink nail polish. 

"I'm gay. I know," I sighed heavily. "I don't see how that has anything to do with it."

I looked around the room, daring someone to interject but I guess nobody was willing so I repeated myself.

"I was raped."

"But you're gay," she countered.

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author's note

Thank you for reading Homophobe. Please vote and comment :)

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