Steve sighs, scrubbing a hand harshly over his face.

"Do I have to go?" he asks. He's asked it a thousand times before, but it never changes the answer.

"Yeah, you really do. This isn't optional, Steve," Nat replies, rolling her eyes. "As an agent of Shield, you can't just decide you don't want to."

He rolls over on the common room's couch, burying his face in the decorative pillows.

"I don't want to see him. It's going to be awkward and nerve-wracking and awful," Steve whines.

A small hand lands on his back. It's comforting despite the redhead's teasing laughter.

"He hasn't said anything yet, why would he start now?" she says. And it makes sense. It really does. He's had opportunities whenever he comes to visit Shield. Steve's always conveniently away on those days. Doesn't mean it helps to soothe any of Steve's rampaging anxieties.

After he left Tony that one day not long after he'd proposed, he'd stayed in a hotel nearby in case Tony wanted to make a dramatic apology. He thought Tony would, in all honesty. But the apology never came, phone staying silent. And Peter never called.

So, instead of staying, Steve flew to see his old University roommate Bucky who'd moved to Europe. Bucky started working for military, Steve joined him in his endeavors.

That is, until Bucky got separated from Steve and sent to a country Steve had never even heard of before to fight a war that Steve wasn't even sure was real.

Steve was laid off. Wasn't emotionally stable enough, they said. So Steve, jobless and now homeless, went back to New York.

He wasn't hoping for some big welcoming back to the state, he'd barely been known outside of his clients and his ex-family, but he hadn't expected to be greeted with silence and an empty lot.

The house was just gone.

His house.

He knew about what happened to Tony after he left. He knew about how Tony finally spoke to his parents' lawyers and found out he'd inherited their billion-dollar company. He knew about Tony's struggles with staying sober. He knew about Tony's kidnapping and his return months later on the brink of death with hopeless eyes.

But for some odd reason, he just figured that the house had to still be there. Had to be there with Rhodey and Carol's loud arguing and constant teasing. With Tessa's stuff fully moved into Carol's room. With Peter's dinosaur toys littering the floors and tables everywhere. With Peter's books and bright smiles and genius brain. With Tony. He thought that despite everything, Tony would still be here, waiting for him with open arms.

He knew it was unfair of him to think that. He had been the one to leave.

He had been the one to take off his engagement ring and leave it beside the bathroom sink, turning his back on the people he once called family.

He knew it was his fault, but somehow there had still been hope that they'd be here. Just as happy and put together as they were the first time Steve had shown up and met the real family.

Time hadn't existed when he had stood there, watching the overgrown stretch of grass shimmer in the wind.

And then there had been a hand on his shoulder, a grim expression from a stranger, and then he'd been in Washington being given a proposal.

They'd found him when Tony first hit the spotlights in all his glory. They'd found out above Steve. The personal trainer slash ____, the man who'd proposed on a dock by a sparkling lake with ice cream in hand and disappeared only a few weeks later. The man who had spent time with two military men, Rhodey and Bucky. The man who had been there Before.

Before Tony Stark became one of the richest men in America.

Before Iron Man.

Steve was Before.

Now, all that's left in the After is shards of glass.

*

They believed he'd be a good asset to their team.

SHIELD, they called themselves.

A redhead had appeared in the doorway. All tight leather and an unimaginable number of weapons on her body and a coldness seeping from her eyes.

She'd said she'd completed the mission. And then she said hello. And then she was gone.

Steve had no idea how they'd found him, standing at an empty lot of a house the public weren't even aware of. Steve had no idea how they knew about him in the first place. Tony had never mentioned him to anyone, to Steve's knowledge.

The only reason he thought they'd want him as an asset was his six or so years serving in the military with Bucky.

Whether it was that or that he knew Tony Stark, they never told him.

All they did was give him a key to his new apartment near headquarters, a credit card where his bi-weekly cheques would be transferred, and a tour of his new 'home.' Shield Headquarters.

He had a schedule to follow with training sessions in a huge stocked gym, planned meals in the cafeteria unless he wanted to eat out, off-time, and random other things to fill his time.

And suddenly he had a distraction that filled up almost every hour of his every waking moment.

Something to keep his mind at ease. To stop him from thinking of all the things he can't like Tony Stark and his almost-kid Peter and his nearly-family Carol and Rhodey.

To stop himself from thinking about the what ifs and the if onlys and the should haves.

None of which were reachable anymore. He didn't have to think. He just had to train and eat and sleep and train and talk to his new friend Natasha and go on missions to stop bad guys and train some more.

It didn't occur to him until much later that Shield was sponsored by Stark Industries.

*

"Are you really sure?" Steve asks again. They're in the car outside the daunting tower. He stops himself from thinking about how Tony Stark is in that tower right now probably with a cup of coffee and probably overthinking just as badly as Steve is.

"Stop being a bitch, Rogers," Nat says, but she's sporting one of her sad smiles. Steve's told her everything about what happened. He nearly punched her when she said she wasn't surprised he hadn't stopped drinking for him.

He stares at the one-way glass of the tower, the reflection of the New York streets glinting off the surface and wonders if Tony's looking out one of the windows down at Steve without him knowing.

And then the car is pulling away behind them and they're in their civvies, no longer in the suits they have to wear for missions. Black and too tight. Now, though, it's jeans and a sweater with Nat wearing a black dress and clicking heels. Steve wonders why she chose black and too tight again even though they've got the opportunity to wear something that's not.

"Mister Rogers, Miss Romanoff," a young woman greets. She brushes back the ginger curls that fall from her bun. "Mister Stark is awaiting your arrival in the conference room on floor eleven. I'm sure you can make it on your own?"

"Yes, thank you," Nat replies.

When Steve doesn't move, caught between staring at the woman in front of them wondering how she knows Tony, and still ramped up on anxiety, Natasha grabs his elbow and pulls him along, shooting another smile at the woman.

"If you need anything, Friday will be of assistance," the woman says before she disappears down a hallway purposefully.

"If you don't get yourself together, Rogers, I'm doing this by myself. I don't need you messing this up for us," she snaps as soon as they're in the safety of the elevator.

Right. They're seeing Tony Stark to make sure he'll be keeping up his stream of funds into Shield. He always does and normally Natasha does this with a different partner, but he's retired now, so all she's got is hopeless Steve.

"It's just scary," Steve admits.

"You're Steve Rogers. You're supposed to be fearless, remember?" she says. It's said gentler than most of the words she says to him.

"What if I'm not fearless?"

"You aren't." At his gasp of offence, she rolls his eyes and turns to him. "That's not a bad thing, Rogers. Being afraid isn't bad. It's just overcoming it that makes you or breaks you. So you better get your act together or I'm sending you back to the lobby."

And then the doors are opening and Steve starts walking. One foot after the next.

He can do this. He can do this. He can do this.

And then he sees Tony. Really sees him and everything in him crumbles.

His footsteps falter and his shoulders slump and his heart starts beating faster and faster inside his chest until he's sure it'll burst free and race across the room to where the billionaire is lounging in an office chair, sipping on a steaming coffee.

He's just as beautiful as ever.

Steve hates that it's his first thought, that he can't even think beyond Tony's eternal beauty, but it's true and Tony, despite looking more than a little tired and emotionally drained, he still looks like he's glowing.

Maybe he's biased.

He doesn't really care.

"Miss Romanoff, nice to see you again," Tony greets suddenly, nodding his head in her direction and fuck it hurts that Tony won't even look at him despite Steve knowing he wouldn't be able to meet his eyes if he did.

"And you," Nat responds with an easy smile. "My old partner retired, so I brought Rogers instead. I hope that's alright."

"I got the email," Tony says. And Steve's knees nearly give out at how wonderful he sounds. He hadn't let himself miss Tony other than the first two weeks in that hotel room where all he could do was miss him. "Would you like something to drink or eat? Or straight to business?"

"Coffee," Steve blurts, regret blooming as blush on his cheeks. This isn't going the million ways he imagined it would go. "Would be nice, thank you."

Tony finally turns his eyes on Steve and if it weren't for Natasha's hand on his elbow, he's sure he would've burst into tears.

He missed Tony so bad, but after he left, there was no coming back. And it's fault-

He can't think beyond that it's his fault and Tony's so beautiful despite everything and that the first thing he said to Tony was that he wanted a coffee. (The first time they met. Steve asked him out for coffee. Steve can remember it clear as day with the plastic bag of soup cans and his rusty pickup truck and promises of another day together. Who knew this would be how it would play out?)

"Sure," Tony says. "Fri, would you ask Pep to bring up some coffee for the meeting?"

"Yes, Boss," the AI responds, even she sounds antsy with how tense it is. "She's on her way."

"Thank you." He turns to them again. "Come in. Take a seat. Make yourselves comfortable. You've got the paperwork, right?"

Natasha pulls a binder out of who knows where and puts it on the table in front of Tony. She takes the seat on his left, so Steve takes the one to his right, hyperaware of how close their hands are and of the absence of rings on both their hands.

"Fury drew up the contract already, but he's welcomes to change," she explains, somehow able to easily work through the awkwardness that hangs unbearably in the air like humidity.

He hums in response, flicking through the papers in boredom as though he doesn't care what they say. He probably doesn't. He's got more than enough money to be throwing at them.

"It's basically the same as it is every year," Nat says, watching both of them carefully. With the scrutiny of a practiced spy. She sends a pointed warning glare at his hands.

He hadn't even realized, but he's sure Tony has. Tony's always known Morse Code and here Steve is tapping T.O.N.Y into the polished wood of the table only inches away from where Tony's left hands rests on the table.

"Sorry," Steve blurts before he can stop himself.

Tony's head jerks up, much too fast and he opens his mouth to speak. Steve can only think about his mouth and his throat and the beautiful glow of the arc reactor beneath a ratty t-shirt and his big brown eyes and his hands-

"I have your coffee?" the woman from earlier says, making herself known as she walks in, a tray in hand. Steve had already forgotten he had asked for some.

Tony's face is a mask of calmness before Steve can even react, throwing a smile in the direction of the ginger.

"Thank you, Miss Potts. Set it down right in the center, would you? You want to check these over before I sign off on everything?" Tony says, passing the binder over to Miss Potts.

Steve makes himself busy with the coffee, taking longer than he should to choose which packet of sugar seems adequate.

"It seems good, Tony. Is that all?" she says, passing it back after checking it over.

"No... Actually, clear my afternoon meeting, I don't feel like going," Tony instructs, getting only an eye-roll from the woman before she heads out of the room.

A few quick signatures later, Tony's passing the binder back to Natasha and Steve doesn't even know why he came if all he's good for is staring at Tony.

And then Natasha's getting a phone call and she's excusing herself from the room, leaving Tony and Steve in an even worse, humid tense silence than before.

"Didn't know you knew morse code," Tony says, refilling his coffee. Black, just the way he did on their first date.

"Part of training," Steve says, unable to form better words so the conversation doesn't die out and then he's blurting, "What happened to Peter?"

He regrets the words as soon as they fall from the room. If it were humid before, it's boiling hot now in the conference room.

Tony tries to school his expression into one of nonchalance, but it doesn't work. Not for Steve who knows him better than he knows the back of his hand. He can see the hurt and the regret and the guilt and the grief.

"Got taken away," Tony says, wrinkling his nose. His hands are shaking as he pulls them back from the table and crosses his arms over his chest. "I was stupid."

It's not enough words to satisfy Steve's worry. Peter had become something of his own kid too over the time he spent with the family.

Before Steve has to ask, Tony continues, "A teacher smelt booze on his shirt. She worried about his life at home, so she came to find out. Took him away as soon as she saw me."

"Have you seen him since?" Steve asks, subconsciously leaning forward towards Tony.

Tony swallows thickly through his emotions. "Couple days ago, yeah. He's good. Doesn't remember me as anything more than the man in the news."

It's bittersweet and angry and guilty more than anything.

"That wasn't-"

"If you say it wasn't my fault, I'm going to stop you right there, Rogers," Tony says, finally meeting him with a stare. If the last name doesn't send a spear through his heart, he doesn't know what would. He was meant to be a Stark or maybe Tony was meant to be a Rogers, he doesn't know. But that future is impossible now. "If I had just stopped, we wouldn't be here, would we?"

"I shouldn't have left," Steve blurts, wanting to apologize and explain and rebuild, but it's too late. It's been ten years. A decade since he saw Tony last. Since he left the ring and the promises behind.

Tony stands, jaw clenched and shoulders tense. "You shouldn't have left Peter. I wasn't worth saving."

Before Steve can argue that Tony is the light at the end of his tunnel, that he's the only thing worth saving in this world full of bad people, Tony is gone, door swinging shut behind him.

You start with something pure. Something exciting.

(Full of soup cans and coffee dates. Dinosaurs and movie nights. Of finding the good things in the bad. Saying goodbye was only opening another door. Of ice cream and proposals. Of happiness and the brightest future ahead of them.)

Then come the mistakes. The compromises.

(The drinking and the anger. The loss and the inability to cope. The grief and the unhappy endings around them. The taxing nights and the broken promises. Engagement rings and closed doors without goodbyes.)

We create our own demons. 

(Tony is gone and Steve has to go back to Washington and he doesn't know if he'll have the courage to confront him ever again. He doesn't think he could handle doing this again when all he can think about are black and white memories, stained with pain and loss and grief and guilt and nothingness with no happy endings or even goodbyes to make up for all of it.) 

____
I'm so sorry it's been so long since I've updated this one. I got really unmotivated very quickly when I wasn't quite sure how I could fit timelines together and I couldn't put the effort in and school's been absolute hell lately ughhhh wanna die so have this sadness to make up for it lmao

I hope this made sense though?? Like I'm trying to make sure the pieces of canon that I'm taking fit with this AU properly so it'll still make sense?? oof I don't know 

See y'all sometime in the future lol I don't know when just yet. Hopefully soon 

Lyss