Ryan Diaz

'Shocked' didn't even cover half of it. Shocked was honestly an understatement to what I was feeling. And there were a lot of feelings.

August had his hand behind my neck, holding me firmly but softly as he kissed me. My eyes stayed wide open and his eyes were closed, I couldn't even look at him it was too weird. I didn't know how to react. I'm supposed to be Ian, right? Does Ian kiss him back? What in the bloody fuck does Ian do? I was close to having either a panic attack or a heart attack but August's tongue swiped over my lips and he softly bit softly into my lips and it's like something in me shifted and I didn't know when my lips moved back on his and my eyes slowly fluttered shut.

August makes a sound in his throat that sends some kind of warmth over my body and his other hand leaves the wall, cupping my face as he deepened the kiss. Or tried to. I've never been kissed like that before. With so much assertiveness and control. I've always been the one leading the intimacy but now, it was like I didn't even need to do a thing and it felt so good. So good that my hand nearly reached out to hold him but then his tongue swiped over mine and that immediately brought my senses back to place and instead of my hands to hold him, they pushed him off me. August's lips left mine with a smack sound and I nearly entered the ground in embarrassment.

He didn't seem to grasp the fact that I had just pushed him off me and he immediately walked back, reaching out to grab my face once more like he was being controlled with a remote. If I wasn't in the situation, it would have been so funny.

"August," I yelled, trying not to be too loud and pushing him back again.

He blinked, zoning back to reality. "What?"

I didn't even know what to say to that. What do I say? 'Don't kiss me, I'm not Ian?!' I was totally confused and I just stared at him like a fool. Nobody warned me about this, nobody informed me or even gave me a hint. It was like I was just thrown in the middle of a zombie apocalypse with no means to defend myself and nowhere to run to.

August closed the distance between us again in my silence, putting his hand on the wall like he was caging me in and I turned my face the other side, praying on the saints to rescue me from this situation. "What?" He asked again and it sounded like some kind of plea. "What?" He whispered this time and his warm face touched mine and I nearly melted. "What? What? What?"

My eyes shut tight and I was literally about to scream. I swallowed. "Please leave."

His hand touches my face and moved from my cheek to my ear to my neck and up my hair. His touch was cold on my very warm skin. My eyes closed tight and I kept praying mentally. His head relaxes on mine and he sighed. "I already said I'm sorry."

What?

I wanted to open my eyes so bad but I didn't. I couldn't dare and my ears listened as my mind ran a marathon.

"I'm sorry I brought out the relationship thing and I agreed, didn't I? Let's do things your way, it's fine with me."

Now my eyes opened and I turned to face him. His forehead relaxed over mine and he opened his eyes too to look at me. He looked pained, there was a lot of sadness in his eyes and it was like shards of glass, cutting me as I looked. August closed his eyes again and the next words were a plea. "Don't push me away."

I nearly gasped as something finally connected; Ian was breaking August's heart.

"August..."

"You stormed off the other day and I got really worried. I thought I'd never see you again and then you didn't show up for weeks." He cupped my face, his thumbs rubbing up and down. "I got scared and—"

"August," I stopped him. I felt bad, it was like I was eavesdropping. Whatever he wanted to say should be said to the real Ian. "Stop."

"Ian."

"Leave, please. I don't want to do this anymore."

August took a step back, leaving me. "Really? You don't mean that."

"I do," I swallowed, how on earth was this feeling more painful than my breakup with William and Anita was. "Just go."

"Why?" He asked, he looked angry and sad now. "Give me a good reason."

"I don't have one." I really didn't.

"What?" He looked so pained, I couldn't take it anymore and I didn't know when my mouth started moving.

"Honestly August, I don't remember our last conversation," I confessed. "I had a minor fall, hit my head. Everything is a bit woozy right now and I can't deal with this at the moment."

August stayed silent looking at me and then he sucked his cheeks in and slowly nodded, chuckling. "No more excuses and now you go for amnesia."

"August—"

"Ian," he cut me off me off and was glaring now, I didn't dare open my mouth. "Fuck off."

He looked me over and he looked like he wanted to say something else but then he just "tsk" and left the room as quietly as he came. I stayed rooted to the wall until I heard footsteps doing down the stairs before I let myself breathe.

"Oh Jesus," I pulled on my hair and took a sit on the bed. "Shit, shit, shit." I bit on my thumbnail as I tried to think. There was no way around it. I couldn't think, what would I even think of? I inhaled, trying to get calm and collect everything I just found out.

•Ian was hooking up with August.

•August wanted a relationship and Ian didn't so he broke them off and stormed out on the night of his accident.

•Nobody, literally, nobody knew about Ian and August.

I gasped as I got a lightbulb moment. August must have been the one Ian hooked up with a year ago (the mistake) then he broke it off, got himself a proper boyfriend and then when his relationship fell apart, he must have hooked up with August again. Did Ian have real feelings for August? Was he using him? Why didn't he tell anybody?

Damn, I needed to tell Myra.

I ran to the lockers by the side of the room, opened them up and I was met with clothes that were not all arranged, books, knifes, and the school bag. I grabbed the school bag, closed the locker and left the room, locking the door behind me now because I don't even know how Ian could leave his room door open. Rooms are personal and should remain locked unless otherwise.

"You're leaving already?" Anissa asked as I tried to quickly walk out without talking to anybody. I hit a brake on my legs, sighing to myself and turning to her with a smile.

"Yeah I have to go."

Jakob scoffed. "I'm done giving you breaks Ian. This," he gestures around the building. "Might not look like it but it's actually a facility that needs to be run well with all hands on deck. You can't mourn him forever."

"Jake!" Anissa scolded.

"What?" Jakob glared at his sister. "It's been months since Jon died. We've been pampering his ass about it all, then he gets in his head about revenge and shit, then he lands us in deep shit that we haven't even talked about yet and then he disappears for weeks and just appears strolling in and out as he pleases." He shifts his glare to me. "This is not your father's business Ian. You can't just do as you please."

I was getting angry on Ian's behalf. Oh wait, I was Ian. "I didn't ask you to pamper me Jakob," I gritted out. "If you think you did, that's your own personal decision."

Jakob glared and walked out of the counter table he was behind. "Well, I'm making another personal decision now." He poked my shoulder. "Get your shit together and get to work!"

I use both hands and shove him back, surprised that I was actually able to. He looked like a rooted mountain. "You don't get to give me orders." From what Myra said, a leader hasn't been picked yet and that seemed like a total Ian thing to say.

"Well someone has to since you're behaving like a fucking baby. Even Santi has got his head on better than you."

"The fuck did you say to me?" I glared at him, moving an inch closer. God, one punch from this man and I would die. I felt like I was acting some kind of movie.

"Whoa, let's calm down would we?" Anissa said, coming in between myself and her brother.

"Yeah, Jake stop picking a fight," Philip said and it's then I even notice his presence. I looked around and Santi was there too, looking like he was worried and scared and August stood behind, back rested on the wall with his arms crossed in front of him, a nonchalant frown on and the cute puppy in his shoulder. I'm guessing that's his dog.

"I'm the one picking a fight?!" Jakob asked then laughed. "This little shit has no idea what he has got us into. We're late on deliveries, there's work here to be done and Matt is just waiting for the right time to roast his ass on the track and then we're all done for! We lose the building and everything Jon worked so hard for and all for what? Ian, that can't control his fucking emotions."

The building went silent and everyone were either looking at me or randomly looking at something else. I felt called out. I felt bad and I felt Jakob was right. I wanted to say I'm sorry but that didn't seem like something Ian would say and I am supposed to be Ian. So I did what he did whenever we argued online, I ran. I stormed out the building.

"Fucking Ian," I heard Jakob say just before I left.

"Hey," Myra said when she saw me and I just kept walking. I felt like I was going to cry and I didn't want to cry. "Ryan, are you okay?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"Bullshit. I heard shouts and arguments from in there," Myra said, grabbing my hand and making me stop.

"Yeah, Jakob was just—" the tears forced themselves out. I was overwhelmed. "Oh shit."

"Hey," Myra pulled me into a hug. "It's okay, calm down. Everything's fine."

I shook my head. Everything was definitely not fine. With my head still bent next to hers, I look up and my eyes immediately land of August outside the building, holding his dog in his arms and looking at me. When our eyes meet, he looks away immediately and walked back in like nothing just happened. Thankfully there was enough distance between us so he couldn't have seen my tears. I blinked and got flashes of our kiss.

"Oh, Myra, you won't believe what happened," I pulled out the hug, wiping my eyes and ready to tell her about everything that had happened but immediately my eyes met hers, I froze.

"August is a Greek god, craved by the heavens..."

"...in case you can't tell already he's the love of my life."

Oh bloody hell.

"Ryan?" She snapped her fingers in front of my face, finally getting my attention and I blink down at her. Myra chuckled. "The fuck? Where did you just space out to?"

"Huh?" I turned around and started walking, my hand going up to my hair. I couldn't believe it. I must be stuck in some kind of mystery, thriller, romance soap opera, because, what?!

"Forget it, what were you going to tell me?"

I blinked at her. "I was going to tell you something?" Yes! But now I'm not going to anymore! Not after what I just discovered. How on earth do I tell Myra that her best friend was secretly fucking the love of her life? Her ultimate crush?! This must be why Ian didn't tell her or anybody. Right?

Oh Ian!

"Yes, about what happened in there."

"Oh yeah," I quickly searched for something else. A lot happened in there and I wasn't even sure it was up to one hour. "I successfully fooled everyone. I think. You needed to have seen the way I pushed Jakob back, screen worthy moment if you ask me."

"Really?" Her eyes glinted with excitement.

"Yeah, he was yelling at me about not being around and responsible and about..."

*

Myra and sat on her bed, facing each other. Her room was small, almost as small as Ian's locker and bed room back at Jon Junk... okay, I can't call it that so I'd just go with Jon Junkyard. Although her room had more space to actually walk around a bit and she had a reading table and chair and a rectangular size mirror up at the wall. I wondered how she lived in such a small place. Being in Myra room made me realized I lived rich. Even my room back in Cuba was three times larger than this and let's not go to my room in Liverpool. I even had two, one that was dedicated to just games.

When I had first gotten into her room she had groaned and told me to stop looking around. I told her it was cute and cozy and now I guess she wasn't shy anymore.

"So, let's see the bag," Myra said and I nodded, opening it up and pouring all the contents out on her bed. There was a pocket knife, a pepper spray, a chapstick, a beanie, two wrapped in foil boxes and a brown carton book with a pen. I grabbed the book and Myra grabbed the wrapped in foil boxes. "These are his deliveries he was supposed to make all these while. I bet the clients are pissed and ready to kill by now. Unless they got their juice from somewhere else."

"Juice?" I asked distracted as I opened up the book. Now that was something different about Ian and I, the handwriting. His writing looked cursive and ragged, like he was fighting with the pen and paper. Mine was way neater and straight. Although, they were a few similarities and it was nothing I couldn't mimic. My mind zoned back in and I look up at Myra. "What juice?"

"These," Myra raised the boxes up.

I narrowed. "Are those drugs?"

Myra rolled her eyes and got off her bed to get a razor blade and then she cut the boxes in the middle, pouring the content out slowly. "This is Coke," she pointed at the white one, "and this is Weed." She pointed at the green dry grass one. "If someone asks for chalk or snow, you give them Coke. But if they ask for pot or Mary-Jane, you give them Weed. It's that simple."

"Bloody fuck. D-drugs?"

"Ryan don't be a baby, we have to deliver this. So you can resume with your gang. If Jakob finds out you haven't delivered this it'll be a bigger fight. Get your head here." She reached for the book. "Ian should have a list in here. I don't know where because he never let me touch this book."

I moved the book away. "I think this is like Ian's diary and if he didn't let you touch it, I see no reason why I should. After all, I am Ian right now." I winked. "Sorry, baby girl."

"Shut up," she rolled her eyes. "Fine, go through it then and in your free time read your diary and know more about yourself."

"Got it."

Myra taught me how Ian measured the 'juice', wrapping the weed up in paper sticks like cigarettes and putting the coke in small leather balls. I couldn't believe I had come back to Virginia to start dealing drugs. When Myra said 'always be alert' she meant it literally. What if I got arrested or in trouble? Who the fuck would I tell Tita and my mom? And Wayne, shit Wayne would be so fucking disappointed.

I was already here. There was no turning back now and I just had to be very careful.

Myra and I packaged the drugs and then she tried to prepare me for my hardest impersonating job yet.

Meeting my father.