I feel ashamed. The kind of ashamed that twists my stomach up, that leads me to falsely believe that my parents and Allah are watching my every move, that never leaves me alone.

I am ashamed because it is obviously shameful to think of Ilya in the way that I did in the shower. He is an acquaintance at most, and I have to remind myself of that, although no matter how hard I try, my sickness cannot be cured. I don't think my level of connaissance to Ilya is the issue.

I think rather that the problem is that I invited a man into my thoughts that way. Madeline always jokes that I'm gay, and the kids at school make the same jokes that I would call bullying instead, but I never think much of it. But now it's personal. Now I have a reason to believe that they may be right, and I'm not even upset about the bragging rights they will acquire from it. This is guilt from within.

This shame somehow doesn't stop me from searching Ilya's name on social media. After trying several different combinations of names, I come up with nothing and decide to investigate further. I ask a girl that I've always been nothing more than acquaintances with if she follows him on any website or app, and she informs me that he doesn't have a phone at all, because he doesn't want to waste time pretending to care about what goes on in people's lives by following them on social media. She also informs me that Ilya will sever communication with anyone who comes to his house to find him, as he considers his house off limits to everyone except him and his family. He used to claim that his aversion came from the fact that he only speaks Russian to his mother (which would explain his first name) and he wouldn't want his friends to be confused by it, but he has let that facade crumble away now that he doesn't care enough to uphold it. Now he will offer no reason why he stops talking to people who visit his house. There has only been one instance, and everyone learned from it. I realize more and more just how enigmatic Ilya Turner is every day.

And yet it doesn't turn me away, although it's not like I could expect anything different.

~~~~~

A/N: short ass chapter bc i can't concentrate

~Dankota