September 2, 1993

Dear Diary,

Oh man, school starts in five days. I have nothing ready. I need a new backpack, and all my binders from last year are wrecked and full of doodles about asshole and me. I should just burn them. I think I will after I write this.

I've been doing pretty good though. Until I got my school stuff out today, I hadn't really thought about him in a while. Go me.

These last couple of weeks I've been handing out flyers for my friend Mark's band, Brain Stem. They're playing at Rumrunners this weekend. It's kind of a wanker bar, but the show is all ages and they're opening. They're so stoked, and honestly, I'm excited for them. They even have a few original songs mixed in with Rage Against the Machine and Nirvana covers. Ever since Mark's party, we've been hanging out with those guys a lot more.

Yes, I've been getting out more. Yes, asshole seems to be fading from my brain. My heart might even be available for rent soon.

Oh my god, yes — the reason I wanted to write. You'll never guess what's happened. Remember Dylan? The one I couldn't stop thinking about? Well, Parker saw him on the bus last week! She had bussed downtown with Brewster to go to Dr. Disc and browse for some rarities. But instead, all she found was Dylan. She said he looked super cute and he asked about me. Like how I was and if I had a boyfriend.

I can't even process.

There's more, much more.

So Parker and I have been using my dad's car to drop flyers under windshields. Yes, we are those lame people. But Mark's giving us free tickets, so whatever. I've been letting Parker drive since she needs the practice.

Lately, we've been heading to the mall to pass them out, but then we realized we could just go where the teenagers are. So we started driving around looking for hangouts. It turns out the Taco Bell parking lot is the place to be.

A couple nights ago, we pulled in, and guess who was there with all his friends? Dylan.

At first, I didn't notice him. There were five guys leaning against a black beast of a car, maybe a Caddy, maybe not. The smell of grease and warm asphalt hung in the air. The lights from the drive-thru buzzed faintly overhead. Parker muttered that they looked like rappers, all baggy jeans and baseball caps. A few had long hair shaved on one side, more skater than hip-hop. I told her to chill and park the car. She rolled her eyes but pulled in.

That's when I saw him.

Dylan.

His hair's longer now, dark and tucked behind one ear, falling past his chin on the other side. I remembered Parker saying he had it in a ponytail on the bus. I just stared and whispered, "Are you kidding me right now?"

I froze. I couldn't move. Parker, of course, grabbed the stack of flyers, laughing as she said, "Oh yes, this is happening." She strutted over to the group while I sat there gripping the door handle, watching in the side mirror.

Then he looked up.

When he saw me, his face broke into a huge smile, and suddenly he was walking over. My stomach flipped. I forced myself out of the car and leaned against the side of my dad's Buick so he wouldn't see how weak my knees felt.

"Sadie!" he called, holding his arms out as he got closer. He hugged me tight, buried his face in my hair, and made a little grunt that nearly killed me.

When he stepped back, his hands stayed on my arms. "Man, I haven't seen you in so long. You look exactly the same."

"Thanks," I said, so lamely I wanted to disappear.

"Your hair's different. It suits you."

"You too." I wanted to kiss him.

"I've been thinking about calling you," he said. "Ever since I saw Parker, I've been thinking about us."

My heart was screaming, me too, I miss you, I should never have let you go. But all that came out was, "Oh yeah?" Like I didn't believe him.

"For sure," he said. "I miss those days."

And just like that, I wondered if he missed me or just the version of me from before everything went wrong.

"Are you gonna go?" I asked.

"Where?" He looked back at his friends, confused.

"The show. Didn't Parker give you a flyer?"

"Oh, cool, yeah. I think we'll go. You look so cute." He pulled me in again for another hug. "Can I call you about it?"

"Do you still have my number?"

He said he did, but one of his friends called over that they had to bounce.

"I'll talk to you soon, okay?"

I nodded, waved, and waited while Parker came back with that evil little smile she gets when she knows she's just made my life harder. I punched her in the arm once we got in the car.

But wait — there's more.

He didn't call that night or the next day. But today, just a few hours ago, the phone rang. I figured it was Parker calling about tonight — we're trying to sneak into Jason IV — but when I picked up, I heard, "Hey you."

Instant heart attack.

"Hey," I said, trying not to sound like I'd been waiting by the phone.

We talked about everything and nothing — parties, movies, bands. Then he said, "I heard what happened with asshole and backstabber." My stomach dropped. And obviously he didn't call them that, but I still refuse to taint you with their true identities. And how the fuck did he hear about that? Does everyone in the city know?

Anyway, I changed the subject fast. "So what've you been up to all summer?" I asked.

He paused, then said something I may never recover from.

"Well, I've sorta been seeing someone. Nothing serious. She's kind of a drama queen though. When I heard what you did,  you reminded me of her."

Great. Now I'm the violent ex.

My heart sank. I tried to sound normal, but inside I was curling up. He kept talking, telling stories about this girl, and I gave one-word answers, pretending to listen.

Then he said he had to go. "I still want to see you tomorrow night. You'll be there?"

"Yeah," I said quietly.

"Great. See you tomorrow."

The line went dead. I just stood there, staring at the phone, my pulse roaring in my ears. Then I called Parker, who had been trying to get through, but I'd been ignoring the call waiting. She was furious when I told her about him wanting to see me while he was seeing someone else. Said he wasn't worth it, said she'd kick his ass for me if he showed up.

Maybe I won't let her. Maybe this is fate. Maybe he'll break up with crazy and realize it's me that he wants.

It doesn't hurt to dream big, does it?