The next morning I felt like total shit. Light was my enemy. I slept most of the morning but my phone started ringing around 11:30am and when I ignored it, it rang again 5 minutes later. I knew it was either Min or Parker. I was apparently the only one home, otherwise someone else in my family would have gotten it and yelled for me to pick up.

"Are you ready?" Min asked when I finally answered. It's was 12:01 pm.

"Not even close," I managed to respond. "What am I getting ready for again?"

"Come on, Sadie. You said you'd ask your dad if you could take us to the mall."

"I did? I mean, right. I'll go find out and call you back."

I went downstairs and funny enough, my dad was just getting back from the arena with my younger brother. "Hey, can I take the car?" 

My dad looked up at me with eyes that said, I know all about everything Missy, you can't fool me. But instead he just said, "be back for dinner in case we need it." Which meant he probably had plans to pick up McDonald's, knowing that my mom rarely cooked on the weekends. "You need money?" He asked, and I smiled. 

Fast forward, and we're at the mall. Min and Parker were weird with me the whole time, not in a dramatic way, just in that quiet "we saw everything and we are not fully okay with it" way. I kept pretending I didn't notice, which honestly just made it worse because I had too much time alone with my own thoughts.

"I don't want to talk about it," I would say when they prodded.  "Let's just shop." And we did. We bought old CD's from the bargain bin and I got a new Pearl Jam t-shirt. By the time I got home, I was feeling relatively normal again. 

When I went back upstairs to my room my older brother shouted from his room across the hall, "some dweeb left you a message."

It was from Dylan. That was the downside of sharing a line with my brother. We got each others messages depending on who listened first. Luckily, Dylan knew not to leave anything intense on the voicemail. It was just, "Hey, just calling to see how you are. Last night was pretty crazy... I thought we could catch a movie tonight or something, call me back."

My heart fluttered. This was what I wanted, wasn't it? Since I saw Dylan again in that parking lot, I wanted him back in my life. So why did my stomach drop? Why did I see Rick's face? Looking at me as I chose Dylan at the party? It took me a full hour to calm myself down and talk myself into calling him back. 

I tried to keep things light, which worked. I think Dylan was more interested in getting me out of the house with him instead of addressing what actually happened between us. He told me about this sick movie that had come out that he wanted to see. It was called Jurassic Park. He would pick me up and it would be his treat. I agreed, even though I hadn't heard of it or seen any of the trailers so I didn't know what the heck I was walking into. But OH MY GOD it was so good! And super scary, I was jumping out of my seat. It was basically about this old dude who brought dinosaurs back to life and tried to create an amusement park out of them. Long story short, it failed miserably. 

We were both kind of movie-high afterwards. We walked around downtown talking about our favourite scenes. When we quieted down, we were by the river that separates us from the U.S. It was dark by then and the cityscape across the water was really beautiful. Dylan took my hand and led me over to a bench where we sat for a moment in silence, taking in the view. 

"You disappeared last night," he said.

"I got pulled away," I said.

Which was true. Technically.

He nodded like that was enough of an explanation, but his eyes didn't really leave me after that. Like he was trying to figure out where I'd gone in between then and now, even though I was right there.

At one point he said, "People are talking, you know."

And I felt it immediately in my chest.

I asked, "About what?"

But I already knew.

He shrugged like he didn't want to make it bigger. "Just stuff. You and me. Last night. People always make it into more than it is."

That should have made me feel better, but it didn't.

"But nothing happened," I said. And when Dylan flashed a look at me, I knew I was wrong. 

"What do you mean, Sadie? Don't you remember?"

"I remember everything, I just mean we didn't, you know.."

"Yeah, well, maybe things could have ended differently if your friends didn't show up."

At first, I'm too stunned to speak. Was he right? Would I have gone all the way? I tried to remember exactly what I was feeling but everything was a blur between feeling good and feeling bad. Wasn't I just trying to make Rick jealous?

Now Dylan was making his move towards me. I could see it in his eyes, he wanted to make-out again. I hesitated, but suddenly I was letting him kiss me again. It wasn't like the night before. It was soft and slow and he kept his hands firmly planted in the same spot. One of his arms was around me with his hand on my back, and the other slightly cupping my neck and jawline. 

It was him that pulled away this time. Maybe he noticed the older couple walking along the river getting closer to us, maybe because he didn't want to get turned down again. Did he feel me hesitate? Did I not kiss him the way he wanted?

We stayed there only a few more minutes, and then he was taking me home. He told me he wanted to see me this week sometime, but it would be harder for him to get the car. So maybe next weekend. I let him kiss me again when he dropped me off, but it was short and there was no tongue involved. He almost looked sad as I was leaving. Was he sad because I was going home or was there another reason? I felt awkward, like he was assessing me or something. Trying to figure out how I was feeling about everything. But that's the fucked up part, because I didn't even know myself. 

I stayed up for a little while watching Much Music, but I think I was emotionally drained because I fell asleep pretty early. 

Which brings us to today, Sunday. 

Well, it's Sunday night now, but you know what I mean. 

I don't know why, but I was expecting Dylan to call me. When he didn't, I sort of got anxious and started spiralling. I couldn't get both nights out of my head. So I called Min and talked things through with her.

"I'm sorry! It's all my fault, Sadie." 

"How is it your fault, I'm the one who was stupid enough to think I could ever make Rick jealous. He doesn't give a shit, now Dylan thinks we're together or something."

"He's not the only one," she squeaked.

"What do you mean?"

Then she explained that Brewster was with a group of people that night smoking, not far away from where we were when Min was reaming me out. Her exact word's, if you don't recall, were "so you could go fuck Dylan in the woods."

"I explained to Brewster last night that I was totally exaggerating! That's just how we talk."

"So you were at Brewster's last night? Was Rick there?"

"Sadly not. But I'm sure he will hear the truth from Brewster, and not the rumours from Mike."

"Oh my god, this is horrible. This is fucked, actually."

Then my phone beeped, someone else was calling me. "One second," I said to Min and I clicked over to the other line.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Sade." 

I internally gasped.  "Uhh, hold on one sec." I clicked back over to Min. "Oh my god, it's Rick, I'll call you back." 

"Wait—,"

Click. Deep breath.

"Hey, what's up?" I went with the 'acting like nothing has happened' approach. 

"Nothing, what's up with you?" Just like that. No drama in his voice. Which somehow made me more nervous.

"Uh, nothing. What do you want?"

He lets out a long sigh, and says nothing, like he was deciding how to say what he wanted to say without making it sound like anything important.

Then: "Are you okay?"

I frowned a little. "Yeah. Why?"

Another pause.

"People are talking," he said. "About you and Dylan."

My stomach dropped in this slow, heavy way. What did he think he knew?

"It's not—" I started, then stopped, because I didn't even know what I was correcting yet.

Rick didn't push. He just waited. Which was almost worse.

"I mean," I said finally, quieter, "it's not what people are saying."

"I figured," he said. And that was it. No judgment. No anger. No relief either. Just that same flat certainty he always had, like he was already standing slightly outside whatever everyone else was panicking about. Then he added, almost casually, "I just didn't want you to get dragged into something."

And that hit me in a way I didn't expect. Because it didn't sound like jealousy. Or accusation. It just sounded like Rick. And I didn't know what to do with that.

"But we did see you last night. With Dylan."

"Where?" My mind immediately went to the make-out session on the bench. 

Rick laughed. "At the movie." 

I blinked. "You went and saw Jurassic Park last night?" 

"Yeah."

I honestly hadn't seen that coming. How did he go unnoticed?

"With who?"

"Why does that matter?"

I scoffed.

"See, it matters."

I don't say anything, not really knowing how to agree with that. 

Then, reluctantly, "Mike wanted to see it."

"Oh." 

I didn't like how that made me feel better. 

"It was pretty sick, was it not?" he asked

I laughed despite myself, feeling some of the tension leave my shoulders.

"It was so good."

"The T-Rex scene was insane."

"I know."

"I thought Mike was gonna have a heart attack."

That made me laugh harder.

For a minute it almost felt normal. Like before all the Tammy stuff. Before the fight. Before everyone started acting weird.

Then the conversation slowed again.

"Anyway," Rick said. There was something in his voice. Not serious exactly. Just careful.

"What?" I asked.

He hesitated. "Dylan's okay, I guess."

That wasn't what I expected. "Wow. Glowing review."

"I'm serious."

"So am I."

"No, Sadie. I mean..." He paused. "Just be careful."

I frowned. "Careful of what?"

"I don't know."

That answer annoyed me immediately. "That's helpful."

"I'm serious."

"Rick, either tell me something or don't."

Another pause.

Then he sighed. "I just think Dylan likes attention. That's all."

The words sat there between us.

"You're saying he likes attention?"

"I'm saying he likes being noticed."

"And you don't?"

"Not like that."

I rolled my eyes even though he couldn't see me. "Whatever."

"Believe what you want, I just know he hasn't always been the nicest guy."

"Ok, noted. Thanks, I guess?"

The thing was, I couldn't tell if he was warning me because he knew something. Or because he was worried. Or because he was jealous. And the worst part was that I wanted it to be the last one.

A few seconds later we hung up, and I ended up staring at the phone in my hand long after the dial tone was gone. Now somehow everything was even more confusing. Because Dylan liked me. Or at least I thought he did. And every time he looked at me, I knew exactly what he wanted.

But with Rick, I never knew. Half the time he acted like I was important. The other half he acted like my feelings didn't matter and that none of this bothered him at all. And somehow that made me think about him even more.

Which is probably the dumbest thing I've written in this diary all year.

Later.