Take your time. I'm no emergency, basically talking about anything to keep the conversation going.

...............................................

I hope everything is okay

Two things... well three things: Happy Birthday for your wife, I believe you said it is today? Best wishes. Secondly, dad had a fall, nothing too major but had to call ambos just to make sure he was okay, then was dealing with another issue, someone else going through a rough patch atm... Third thing, why do you need to keep this conversation going? It is helping? Or is it simply loneliness and having someone to talk to generally???

And one last thing... did you finish that write? I know you chose something especially tough, but I would love to know if you followed through?

I'm 700 words in it right now. I'll have to finish it later, so I can spend the day with my wife and son. That loss has given her a negative view of her birthday and I don't want her to be bothered with that even more than she is. I have thought about it a lot and will publish it. Perhaps tonight? I've taken the day off of work, so it's highly probabe. It's still early afternoon here.

As for the need to talk to you... Idk. Perhaps it is loneliness. Maybe it's that I feel you'll help me? I can't say for sure.

Have a great day. Try and look ahead and really, look around yourselves, you have a family. You were blessed with another child... I know the devastation this causes... If you have decided to publish, then big kudos to you, that's something that will resonate with people and maybe it will help someone else going through something similar?

The reason I asked about your need to talk - I can see you have the words? So I wanted you to see it too. Now you can take these words and share them, and talk to other people as well, form a positive group around you who will motivate you and empathise? That's my aim but always here for a chat, know that :)

Well, I am also able to do this online. I suck at person to person exchanges. The things I type are things I struggle saying. I don't tell people personal issues face to face. That and my hearing is terrible. So talking to me is no fun. Then comes the part where I'm so tired all the time I can hardly comprehend. I comprehend much more through reading the words.

I get that. Why is your hearing terrible? And the tired part... nutrition plays a big part in that. You guys eating healthy???

It has to do with working 6pm to 6am every day and waking up at 10am to take care of my son. 7-10 isn't enough sleep.

Some memories have come back to me. My parents have never shown any interest in me having problems. Maybe this is the underlying issue. And also why I can't talk to people. Nobody has ever cared enough about me to even ask about me. I've always been the one to listen, never be heard. My issues, concerns, depression, self hatred doesn't even come second to people. My existence, empty and alone.

Even my head injury. My mom talked to me the day it happened. She heard me not know who she even was, never once checked even with my wife on how I was doing. This is a woman who puts my worthless sisters before me. Both parents did. I always meant nothing! If I was upset I didn't exist. If I was happy I was a part of the family. My life nothing to anyone.

See??? Recognise any of this in my own story??? That's why I told you, you had to go dig deeper? You are not empty and you are not alone, you just made your mind believe this and it is delivering your expectations... Write all this stuff down as it comes to you. Yes you are sleep deprived and I'd also be lucky to get 4-5 hours a day at best, usually I hit the sack between 8-9pm and wake up around midnight or so. Some days I might sneak an hour in here or there during the day. Caring for your son will ease up as he gets older and needs less attention. Question: Can you NOT change your job???

My, I asked you about your mother early on and you ignored me. Now I am hearing what I expected to hear? Keep going and even if you have to copy/paste of here, do that and put all this stuff in a file. This is your memoir right here. You are writing it without realising!

The more I think about it, the more I remember. Me and my wife finally talked. And getting all of this out helped me tremendously. I plan on finishing that chapter. To be frank, my mind seems much clearer now. Things are flowing much smoother. I still want to get these out there.

Just be patient with me. You'll get to read my story in all the details that I can remember. You've earned that right. You have no idea how much these small conversations have helped me in more than just writing.

Hey, I am here. Just keep remembering and writing and the load, trust me, will become easier to bear. I am not rushing you, just trying to shift your focus. You talking to your wife is tremendous. Keep talking. Make it a habit to talk to each other whenever you can. About anything at all...

Life hasn't given up on YOU yet, you're still breathing right? So you need to not give up on life in turn. There's a purpose to you. Everyone serves a purpose. It will come. In the meantime, keep following the lights, your wife and son.