CHAPTER FOUR

THE FOURTH HOUR

"Really? I would've never guessed you were a Vermont guy."

"Yep, born and raised. You?"

"I'm from here. From Mass."

Emilia was sprawled on the cool tiled floor that was probably littered with dust mites. The shelving of the books had finished long ago. Her unkempt hair framed her face, the ringlets bouncing with her every move. She blew her bangs off of her forehead out of the corner of her mouth. Her arms and legs were spread like she was doing a horizontal jumping jack, and Nick was making a paper airplane with some of the printer paper.

"I see that. You have a little bit of a weird accent."

"Weird accent? What are you talking about?"

"You pronounce things weird. Like some of your vowels."

"That's rude," she said, squinting her eyebrows and pursing her lips.

"No, no, I think it's funny. Not funny, I mean, endearing. I like it," he floundered, his fingers fumbling with the creasing.

She laughed. "Nick, I was just joking."

"Oh, okay. Sorry, I - I thought you were actually made for a minute."

Emilia almost laughed at his awkwardness. He was shifting in his chair, scratching at the back of his neck. "You're fine. My mom has a strong accent. She's from Boston, so maybe you can hear that."

"Cool."

"Yeah."

She cleared her throat and grimaced at the current direction of the conversation. Emilia stretched out her shirt, adjusting her position on the floor. "So, uh- you said you're taking Logic, right?"

"Yeah. I suck at it."

She laughed, her stomach rising and falling. "How do you suck at philosophy? It's mostly all conceptual, like, what you believe in the world."

He shrugged, creasing the paper down the center. "You'd think. I wish it were more discussion based."

"I get that," Emilia said. "Stuff like that trips me out, but it's interesting to think about."

"What stuff?" Nick prodded. "Like, thinking about life and death?"

Emilia grew quiet, and folded the two corners towards the middle. "Well, I mean, yeah. But it's less black and white than that."

"I guess. Does death scare you?" he asked. She didn't respond. Nick sat up, his hands clasped in his lap. "Okay, think about this. You walk into this room; in front of you is a door, and behind you is a window. If you shut the door, the window opens. But if you open the door, the window shuts."

"I'm following."

"Okay. How do you feel in this room?" Nick pointed the plane at an opening in one of the bookshelves and launched it.

"I feel trapped," she responded, her eyes blinking up at the ceiling above her.

Nick raised an eyebrow. "Interesting."

"Interesting? What's interesting?" Emilia said as Nick got up to fetch his airplane.

"I don't know, I just always think I'd feel calm in the room. There's always something open, you know?" He bent the nose of the airplane back into shape as Emilia rested her head against the tiles once more, her curls fanning her face. "It's supposed to be a representation of how you feel about death. If you're at peace with it or not."

"You're at peace with it?" Emilia asked, turning her head to look at him. "You're insane."

"What?" Nick laughed again. Emilia's hands were now resting on her stomach. She stared at the popcorn ceiling until the dots began to swirl in her mind. He continued his beliefs. "I just think of it as another chapter, if that makes any sense."

She shook her head. "I don't get that at all. You have no idea what happens when you die. You could just cease to exist. Just stop- stop humaning."

"You could," he admitted. "And we'll never know. But I'd like to think that there has to be something. There's no way we just all... End. When we die, what happens to us?"

"I don't know, and that's why I feel trapped in that room, probably," Emilia mumbled. Nick leaned back on his palms and inhaled deeply. "The concept of not knowing the inevitable. I'd like to believe in some sort of reincarnation, maybe."

"Really?" he asked.

"Yeah," Emilia responded. "I could get behind that. Your soul and your being transfers from your previous form to a new one, so you're reborn. It's a nice idea to me. The fact that what makes you you continues, but you get to start fresh."

"I haven't really thought about that before. I guess I don't really think about it- I mostly just know that it's going to happen regardless, so why fear it?" Nick flattened himself against the tiled ground and joined her in her starfish position.

"Do you believe in ghosts?" Emilia asked.

He laughed, resting his hands behind his head. "No way. I think that's a load of sh- bull, no way are there these floating things only some people can see. I think it's more likely that we just... I don't know, end."

Emilia tilted her head and saw his chest rise and fall slowly and his lips slightly part. "Talking about these things makes my heart grow stone cold. I wouldn't even call it goosebumps- it's more like a sinking feeling in my gut. I just grow all weak and tingly," she confessed.

"Tingly? Really?" he chuckled. "I don't know, it doesn't worry me too much."

She raised an eyebrow at him.

"Okay, look at it this way. The Earth was created, the whole Big Bang or whatever, and the world begins. But if you condense all the years and decades and centuries that the Earth has been here into just one year, humans have been on the planet for around... I think it's just an hour. I mean, just think about that. And then, think about how small our lives are in that one hour. If all of human life as we know it is equal to one hour, what does that make me? What does that make us?"

"Nobodies?" Emilia answered, her head swiveling back towards the ceiling. It looked so far away.

"I mean, yes," Nick said. "But I kinda find that encouraging. Like, everything I do or say and every mistake I make will barely make a scratch on this planet. It will be meaningless."

"But isn't that the opposite of what we as humans want? To make a name for ourselves, to make a difference, to make a change?" she objected. The ceiling began to twist, dark specks entering her vision.

"I don't know. I don't think that's a very realistic goal. For anybody, really. I think rather than trying to please others, you should try to please yourself first. That may sound selfish, but rather than leaving a piece of you for others to remember, it's better to just enjoy yourself, right?" Nick tipped his hat so it covered his face.

"That's a nice way of looking at the world. Less stress-inducing. I don't think that I could ever see it that way, though," Emilia responded.

"I don't think I could ever live your way, either. Looking to put my name to something, claim it as my own to be remembered. I don't think anyone will be remembered forever. What is the point in trying? Worrying about every little thing you do, as if any of it makes a difference. Trying to change something as just one person out of eight billion? I don't understand the point in trying, since it just seems..."

Emilia was quiet for a second. She felt her chest moving. Up and down, up and down. "Inconsequential."

"Yeah," he mumbled. "It sounds terrible, but..."

"I still don't entirely agree with you," Emilia stated. "Something like that may be impossible, but I think it's nice to live with a bigger purpose than just live on, y'know? Am I making any sense here?"

"I don't know. It's too late for me to understand things." Silence ensued, a sudden chill in the library making the hair on her legs and arms stand up straight. "Or early, I guess. You know, I really am sorry I called you a dumbass."

"What?"

"You know, earlier. When I called you a dumbass." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I was just pissed and I didn't mean to take it out on you. You're not a dumbass. Nowhere near it."

Her eyelashes fluttered and she felt her full lips unintentionally curl into a small smile. "Thanks. You're not too bad yourself."

a/n
ahhh!! this chapter pushed me out of my comfort zone a lot, because i usually struggle with dialogue. let me know if you think i did alright lol.

what are everyone's thoughts? on the topic of death and stuff, i'm more of an emilia. i have a hard time wrapping my head around everything. i'm an overthinker for sure.  thanks yall for reading, and i'll see you next friday!! feel free to like, comment & share, it'd make my day!

goals:
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dedicated to @dikshyashivam for your really sweet comment on the past chapter 🥰

much love, stay safe
-s.c