Eighteen

"Wait, wait, wait, Oliver?"

Lilith only blinked in response, head lolling backwards. She squeezed her eyes shut and pressed her lips together, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Lil, he's dead now, remember?" Jack said again as she pulled Lilith back to her.

"No!" Lilith slapped her hands over her eyes and keened. "No, no, no! He was there! He was there, Jack! He was standing in my living room and staring at my pictures, smiling that same stupid smile that --"

She froze, hazy images filling her head. Oliver's crooked smile as he stared past her, clothes soaked through with blood and eyes closed. She could still feel the slimy mixture of his blood and sweat and the bathwater on her fingers, if she tried hard enough.

RED. I'm sick of red.

She shook herself and scrubbed at her face. "Oh, it doesn't matter anymore!"

"Lilith! Calm down!"

In response, Lilith's fingernails moved to her scalp and she dragged them through her hair with widened eyes. White-hot lines in her skull marked where her nails had dug through. Someone yanked her hands away and held them still when she moved to strike them. The fight left her, as quickly as it had come on and she slumped forward into Jack's chest.

"You... must honestly believe that you saw him today, huh?"

Lilith nodded, entire body trembling as she bit back sobs. Her hands balled up into fists again in Jack's grip. "I can't go through this again," she said.

"I know."

"You sure it was him," asked Cole as he stepped for them. Lilith heard his feet as they trampled over the grass.

"It had to have been," Lilith replied. "Same goddamn smile. Looks just like I took a photo of him – if he had a tail."

Jack recoiled. "A tail?"

Lilith pushed herself back and crossed her legs. "Yeah. You know," she said as she wiped her face, "like a rat's tail, I guess?" She waved a finger in the air for emphasis. "Like he was a demon or something."

When she looked up, Jack's lips were drawn taut.

And here she'll try to tell me that this was all some sick delusion. Lilith counted the seconds off in her head, gaze trained on Jack's mouth.

Finally, Jack exhaled and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Lil, I love you, but you know demons don't exist."

Though she'd saw it coming, the words still stabbed at Lilith's heart. "You don't know that," she replied. "They could be. And they have to be. Today alone I met a vampire and my dead brother and was --" Lilith paused. On second though, telling them about any of this might not be a good idea...

"The day those things exist is the day my breasts come in," Jack said with narrowed eyes.

"You're saving up to buy progesterone," Lilith replied.

Jack wrinkled her nose. "You know what I mean. The point is, well..." She glanced at Cole.

"You've been having a tough time," Cole said as he sat down beside them. "Especially these last few weeks. Are you sure it wasn't stress that was making you feel like this? Making... you see things?"

"Thank you," Jack mouthed, to which Cole dipped his head. Lilith's hands clenched into fists in her lap. As she seethed, she picked at the stray threads of her shirt.

"One doesn't hear voices in their head and see their own goddamn brother and blame it all on stress."

Jack arched an eyebrow. "You never know." She clasped her hands. "Different events all build and build, with nothing to release the pressure, until..." She forced her hands apart and puffed out her cheeks. "Boom."

"That boom being?" Lilith replied.

Jack clapped her hands together again. "A psychotic break."

"Thanks, Captain Therapy." Lilith rolled her eyes. "I should've just come to you while my dad was wasting his time with professionals." Then she sighed. "But for real, I know what I saw."

"But can you prove it?"

"We've done rituals in my bedroom and buried jars in my yard for good luck and shit, and now you're questioning my sanity? By your standards, we should all be locked in an asylum together." As she spoke, she shoved her hands into the ground and ripped at the grass.

They won't believe you unless you show them, you know.

Her thoughts turned fuzzy. The world spun as she closed her eyes and suddenly she was in Jack's head.

Can you hear this? she projected to her.

Jack's eyes widened and she gripped the sides of her own head. Her mouth parted, but nothing but a faint moan escaped.

But you're hearing this. You can't pretend you don't. Blades of grass stabbed through her fingers as she gazed next at Cole. And you... you know you can hear me.

Jack clamped her hands over her ears and rigorously shook herself. "God damn it, Lilith! Get out!"

But you can hear me, can't you?

Then Lilith was flying backwards and Cole's fist was an hair's-width away from her nose and her heart was pounding-pounding-pounding and Cole's eyes were two lumps of smoldering coal.

"What the fuck was that?" he asked, breath fanning over her face. "What the unholy fuck was that, hmm?"

The scent of coffee and sweat filled her nose. Cole's voice came to her from somewhere far off, overrun by the roaring of her blood in her ears.

"I..."

"We've had this conversation before, haven't we?" he continued, nostrils flared. "We've told you never to do that to us, haven't we?"

"Cole," Jack called. "Stop!"

Blond bangs fell over his eyes as he shook himself and lowered his fist to his sides. Still straddling Lilith, he pressed his other hand to his face and groaned.

"God, you're just so frustrating sometimes!" And with that, his fist flew past her face and into the dirt beside her. Lilith's heart skipped a beat.

"I'm...sorry..."

"I can't believe you would violate us like that," Cole continued as he twisted his hand into the ground. "I thought you were better than that."

Cheeks warm, Lilith shoved him. "It was an accident!" Tears formed in the corners of her eyes. "I didn't mean to!"

Cole reeled, eyebrows pinched together. "How many times have I heard that one before?"

"You have no idea what it's been like for me," Lilith replied. "That voice you had in your head? I've had that, for days, endlessly. And I... I can't fucking stand it anymore!"

Sobs wracked her body as, after several agonizing seconds, Cole lifted himself off of her and dusted his hands off. The world blurred as her tears poured down her face. She lodged one fist in front of her mouth to stifle the sounds.

"That was unnecessary," came Jack's voice, faint over the sound of Lilith's tears.

"Unnecessary? She does this shit all the time, Jack. You know this."

What'd I tell you, Little Dove? Did you honestly think you could get me to leave, just like that?

"You started all of this!"

But did I?

Tears dampened her skin as she slid the heels of her hands over her eyes and screamed. Go away!

Make me.

"Lilith!" Jack's voice filled her head, drowning out Abraxas's rumbling threats. "Lilith, snap out of it!"

God, look at you! Having a breakdown in front of your friends like this? Even now, she could feel his claws dig into her shoulders, though she knew he wasn't there.

You're so pathetic.

Lilith threw her head back against the ground and dug her fingernails into her scalp. Fire raced through her brain. "Get out! Get out, get out, get out!" she chanted as she brought her knees to her chest and rocked back and forth.

Someone grabbed her wrists and pulled her hands away. A foot pressed into her back and stopped her rocking. Hands cupped her chin and tilted her face.

"Lil. Hey, Lil... you're okay." Jack rubbed her shoulders as she spoke. "Deep breaths, okay?"

"He's in my head, he's in my head, he's --"

"Who, Lil?" Jack ran her fingers through Lilith's hair and clucked her tongue.

"Save it, Jack. She does this shit all the time, remember?" Cole said. Lilith's breath hitched.

"Shut up," Jack replied.

"No." Lilith pinched the bridge of her nose. "He's got a point, doesn't he?" She nudged at Jack's shoulders and rose, fixing Cole with a glare.

"For... what it's worth," Jack said, cheeks red, "what you did wasn't okay."

Cole nodded. "Really, it wasn't."

"I know." Lilith dropped her hands into her lap. "I know."

And yet you went and did it anyway.

"So why did you do it?"

Yeah, Lilith. Why'd you do it?

Cole crossed his arms and tapped a foot, eyebrow raised. After clearing his throat, he said, "Well?"

Lilith swallowed. "I... I didn't mean to..."

"We've already established that." Cole dropped his hands and raked a hand through his hair with a sigh. "My question is why it happened." With this, his gaze softened and his eyebrows lowered again. Beside him, Jack nodded.

"I was wondering the same thing," she said. "If you were willing to tell us, that is."

Lilith rolled her eyes and pulled her knees to her chest. "You wouldn't believe me."

"Wouldn't we?"

Yeah, Lilith. Go ahead and tell your 'friends' about how crazy you are.

"No." Lilith stared Cole full in the face. "I brought up Oliver and you scorned me." She stopped, glancing away for a heartbeat before jumping to her feet. Her vision blurred and the world swayed as the blood briefly left her head, then all was clear once more. No one said a word as she took a tentative step toward Cole.

"You've never really believed in me. Or, if you have, you've got a damn funny way of showing it," she said to him.

Jack and Cole shared a look, to which Lilith's stomach dropped. Warmth seeped into her cheeks and spread throughout the rest of her in a heartbeat.

"We..." Leaves crunched as Cole dug the tip of one shoe into the ground. "I do believe in you," he said. "You just make it very hard to sometimes."

"At the risk of making you hate me, Lilith," Jack added, "it's like you don't even try sometimes."

Cole pointed at Jack. "With your therapists, with getting past Oliver... now with this. You shirk responsibility at every opportunity."

"I do not!" Hands clenched, Lilith sprang forward. Only a small window of space was left between her and Cole.

"You ever stopped to consider why nothing ever seems to be your fault?" Jack asked.

"That's... not true..."

Is it, Little Dove? I mean... isn't it your fault I'm here in the first place?

Lilith froze. What?

You heard me.

"Lilith, we love you, but --"

Jack put a hand on Cole's shoulder. "Later," she mouthed before looking back to Lilith. "Look, can we save this for when we get back to the house? It's getting cold." She rubbed her forearms as she spoke.

Cole dipped his head. "Besides, we've been standing here for a while."

"Mmhm." Jack's dark eyes gleamed as she watched Lilith. "So?"

Lilith bit her lip and looked down. "Sure."

#

The only sound was of the car's tires on the road. Jack held the steering wheel in a death-grip, knuckles pale and her thumbs tapping on the wheel sporadically. Beside her in the passenger seat, Cole pressed his head to the window and sighed.

Lilith sat in the back, directly in sight of the rear-view mirror. Her waning reflection stared at back at her through the glass, black hair limp around her face and dark circles under her eyes.

I could pass for a drug addict, she decided as she moved a hand over her face. Several bumps brushed her fingertips from her jawline and up the sides of her face. Except it would help if this acne was just scabs or something. She opened her mouth and stared hard at the yellowish tinge forming in her teeth.

"Lilith, what are you doing?" Jack asked, never once turning her head. Lilith's gaze flicked to her hunched form in the driver's seat.

"I look like a druggie," Lilith replied.

"No, you just look tired," Cole said, tone clipped. "Perhaps a bit wound up. In need of a good shower and some drinking. But not a druggie."

"Without context, you wouldn't know the difference."

Cole met her gaze in the mirror. "Trust me," he said, "I would."

"If you say so." Lilith swooped her hair over her left shoulder – not that she had a good amount of hair to do so – and ran her fingers over the right side of her face.

"I don't see why it matters." Jack paused her tapping. "It's a temporary look."

"Nothing some booze won't fix."

"Cole, my mom will kill me if we get into her liquor again without asking."

"So ask!"

Lilith picked at the seat beside her. "We don't have to have anything."

Cole snorted. "I'm going to need to." His eyebrows creased as he looked at Lilith. "No offense."

"It's fine."

A streak of red shot past their car and shifted in front of them. Jack groaned and hit the wheel with her palm. "Asshole."

"Nobody here knows how to drive." Cole knocked his knuckles against the window. "Our state has a bad case of Bad Driver's Disease."

"At least it's not raining," Jack replied.

"Yeah. We'd really be fucked, then."

Why don't you say anything? Abraxas's voice made Lilith jump in her seat. Cole regarded her.

"You okay?"

Lilith folded her hands in her lap. "Fine."

Liar.

Shut up!

"We're almost there." Jack reached back to pat Lilith's knee, but stopped at the last second. After a moment or two to dwell on it, her hand returned to the steering wheel. Even the static from the radio did nothing to cut the tension that blossomed after that.

Look at you! You're ruining everything! Claws gripped her shoulders. But I could fix that...

Heat crawled up Lilith's neck and into her face. When they finally pulled into the driveway, she bolted out of the car before Jack had the ignition off. A hand on the door, she heaved a sigh of relief and put her other hand to her heart. It pulsated under her fingers, pounding out an irregular beat that made her stomach clench.

#

The tortilla warmed her hands as she cradled it. Shredded chicken and tomatillo paste coated her tongue, tart and salty at the same time. Bright colors flashed on the television, but try as she might, Lilith couldn't focus on what she was watching.

Cole's fork clanged against his plate. Jack took a hearty swig from the amber bottle in her hands before belching. With one leg against the frame of her windowseat, she stared at Lilith directly and raised her glass.

"Want some?"

Sauce drizzled down Lilith's wrist, leaving oily residue when she tried to wipe it off. After a moment, she set the tortilla down on the plate in her lap and met Jack's gaze.

"I think I'm good – for right now, anyway," she said.

"Eh." Jack waved her bottle around. "Fine."

Cole set his fork down. "You better have some soon, dude." He jerked his head in the direction of the TV stand. "God knows Jack and I can't drink it all ourselves, and I can't just tell Rose that she bought us drinks for nothing."

"Because your sister expects us to drink it all in one go." Lilith arched an eyebrow. "Right?"

"That's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean?"

"Come on, Lil!" Jack's bottle landed in the trash can with a crash. "Let up."

"If anything, we should be the ones reaming into you." And with this, Cole picked his fork back up and looked to Jack. "Turn the TV up."

Lilith leaned forward and snagged a bottle from the case on the stand. Condensation soaked her palm. "Seriously?" she said. "You're still on that?"

Jack swung into an upright position and jumped from the windowsill. "Why do you think we wouldn't be?"

"Yeah... Lilith, what you did really wasn't cool."

Lilith chewed at her lip. "I never said it was," she said. "But I apologized." As she worked to uncap her drink, she glared at Cole. "And you almost punched me!"

"You deserved it!"

She flicked the bottle cap with her thumb, watching as it arced over Cole's head and into the garbage can. After taking a hearty swig, Lilith set the bottle before her. "My accident prompted" -- she paused to release a strawberry-laced belch -- "a blow to the face?"

"See..." Jack took a couple of steps through the room, her feet catching on loose articles of clothing, and came to a stop between Cole and Lilith. "The thing about all of this is – and don't be mad at me for this – you've still not explained to us what this 'accident' was." She folded her arms.

"You wouldn't believe me."

Warmth flooded Lilith's cheeks as Jack and Cole shared a look. Her grip on the wine cooler tightened.

"See?" she said. "That! That right there!" Lilith tipped the bottle in their direction, the carbonated liquid inside splashing on her wrists. "You always look at each other like I'm speaking fucking alien! I hate it!"

Jack paused, eyes widening and nose wrinkling as her gaze went back to Lilith's. "Excuse me?"

"Anyway." Lilith slammed her bottle down. "If you must know, yes I broke into your minds and yes it was on accident. I wasn't even thinking about doing it when it happened. And yes, in case you were wondering, I did see Olive—No, I see you shaking your head, dipshit." Lilith glared at Cole, who froze. "I really did see him. He was real. Everything I've seen lately is real... I just don't know how to deal with it all." A lump rose to the base of her throat, cutting off anything else she had to say. Tears filled her eyes, distorting the room around her.

Jack dropped down to a crouch, tracing Lilith's calves with her fingertips. "Well... Then why don't you start at the beginning for us? Where did this all start?"

Lilith nodded before grabbing her plate and setting it to the side. "Right." Her foot nudged her wine cooler as she shifted position. "Well, I guess this started when..." She trailed off as the memories filled her head. The morning she first discovered her powers, heart pounding as her bedside table smoldered. Even now she could hear Oliver's pounding footsteps, as loud as her heart, as he'd dashed in to answer her screams.

"Something is very wrong here," she'd said. Oliver had nodded, sped out again, and returned with a dish towel.

Lilith squeezed her eyes shut, smothered the scene, and looked to Jack. "It started one morning when my bedside table caught fire," she said. "There was smoke everywhere and I..." She stopped.

"You what?" Jack asked.

Lilith nudged her bottle again, mind spinning, before picking it up and chugging her strawberry lemonade. When it was half-empty, she set the bottle down again and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. A strange, bubbling warmth filled her stomach. "I panicked. Oliver came in with a dish towel and helped me smother the worst of it, but by then the smoke detectors had gone off.

"It didn't stop there, though. That morning when I went to school, everything seemed... louder. It was a test day in Stats. Everyone was supposed to be dead silent, working on their own work... except I was hearing what everyone said at full volume. Every thought, every test answer – Did you know Stoner Joe had a brain? Cause I sure as fuck didn't." Lilith took another swig of her drink. "That was the weirdest anything got, for a while."

"So what happened after that?" Cole asked.

"I did what I always do," Lilith replied. "I pretended nothing was up for a while." Another swig. "But then I started hearing your thoughts. Both of yours. And that's when I told you both about... that."

Jack nodded. "I remember."

Cole frowned. "So why did you recap that for us?" Thunk. He rubbed his ribcage as Jack replaced her hands to her lap. "You didn't have to hit me."

"You didn't have to be a dick."

"How was I being a dick? It was just a simple--"

"Can we save that for later?" Lilith asked. "Anyway. I got everything under wraps, I thought... We" -- she gestured to Jack with her bottle -- "looked up some spells and tips for keeping one's mind under wraps. Anyway. I learned all that jazz. But then came the return of the blaze."

"Mmhm," Jack said. "Remember that, too."

So you believe that, but you won't believe that I saw my dead brother. Lilith pursed her lips. "The funny thing about it all is the more I experimented, the stronger things seem to get..." She huffed. "Then came Oliver's suicide. I didn't try to do anything for the first month. How could I? With my brother gone, I knew I couldn't handle any more strange shit.

"So, fast-forward to Ms. Longsly's death." Now Lilith was fingering the rim of her bottle. "My first thought, as stupid as it sounds, was that I was cursed. And then I was seeing glowing eyes in my bathroom mirror. And that is how I met Abraxas."

A sturdy knock on the door cut her off. Cole bolted into an upright position and dashed for the wine cooler carrier.

"In the closet!" Jack hissed between clenched teeth. She crossed the room in a couple of strides, smoothed out her skirt, and put a hand to the knob. Then she looked back. "Lilith!" She jerked her head towards the bottle and Lilith yanked it from its spot on the ground.

"Lilith!" called Jack's mom from the other side. "Your dad's at the door!"

Lilith frowned, resolving to shove the bottle behind the bookcase at her side before standing. "Really?"

"Yes... He seemed quite upset."

Lilith came to Jack's side and took the doorknob from her. When the door swung open, Mrs. Zavala was mussing her hair. She stared at Lilith with dark strands of hair wound through her fingers.

"There you are. Your dad's at the door."

Lilith arched an eyebrow. "He didn't come in?"

"No. Come on. You don't want to keep him waiting."

Lilith followed Jack's mom out of the room and down the stairs, each step echoing through her head. Wood panels squeaked under her feet. At the door, Jack's mom stepped away and the room instantly chilled. She threw the door open.

Russle Johnson tapped his loafers, blond hair askew and tie half-undone. With skin like paper and a vacant smile on his face, Lilith's father seemed to have doubled in age since she'd last saw him.

But that wasn't what alarmed her the most about the sight of her father. The most disturbing facet was in his eyes, which flashed a deep, dark red.