Decompressing in the stateroom later, I had no idea what to expect of my upcoming bonding session with Lexie. But after the eventful singing bowls lip-lock with Devon, the minute Lex reentered the room, I was struck by confused emotions. Nothing lovey-dovey, per se. Maybe infatuation? It felt like meeting her for the first time. My heart started racing, my palms sweating. Nerves.

"You good?" She smiled and quirked a brow at me. I nodded, gulping, as she turned away and flipped a coin. It landed on the back of her hand with a smack. "Heads," she sighed.

"Hm?" I sat up straighter.

"What, the coin? Oh, it's nothing. A trick Amber suggested earlier. Anyway, where's Devon? How'd your one-on-one go? Are we still in the running to win?" Her bright, guileless smile illuminated me as she plopped on the queen-size with a romance novel, crossing her feet at the ankles. She was dressed like a million bucks and was way out of my league. I struggled to snatch my gaze from her attractive body, especially with her nestled amongst the sumptuous pillows like a reason to never leave the bed.

"Oh, he's, um. . . the casino." At least I didn't have to face her with him—and the evidence of our illicit chemistry—out in the open.

I wanted to blurt out the kinky agreement he and I had about getting physical. I wanted her to ask to be included. At the same time, I wanted to keep my mouth shut. I wanted to kick myself for being too bold and moving too fast, agreeing to it in the first place. Would I even be able to live up to Devon's shocking fantasies? Or would we both figure out that messing around meant disaster for our friendship? And how long would my ridiculous libido keep seeking ways to get Lexie back into the sack?

"Well?" She laughed; a hand outstretched as if waiting.

It dawned on me that she had asked further questions. I scrambled to replay her last words and said, "Winning, yes. Definitely."

"Yeesh, was it that bad or that good?" She waggled her eyebrows.

I was saved by Devon's timely entrance. "Guess who hit the jackpot!" he announced. The subject turned to his lucky streak of wins and, thankfully, off whether him and I had gotten lucky during our bonding session. He splayed a handful of hundreds on the bed, to our delight.

Regardless, the fact that Lexie kept trying to corner me off alone as the day progressed complicated matters. I caught her quizzical glances, half-uttered questions. I noticed the extra attention paid to how Devon and I were interacting. Because no matter how intent I was on making things look natural, it was obvious something had changed. It was obvious.

***

The next day, I couldn't avoid her anymore. We had our one-on-one, which meant that if she chose to pelt me with questions once we got alone, there was no stopping her. Strolling from the room behind her at the appointed time, I plugged in my earbuds and pretended to zone into an audiobook. It was a feeble attempt. She grabbed my hand and tugged me along.

"The less you say, the more I wonder," she said in a singsong voice.

I chuckled and shook my head, offering up not a word. I planned for Devon and I to talk to her together. "Here's the room." I nodded ahead.

When we entered, I was blown away. The Three's Company folks knew how to build ambiance. As Lexie and I took our places on cushioned rattan massage beds, I caught her eye, and nervous smiles flitted across our lips.

We were treated to the gradually increasing volume of binaural beats underscored by birdsong and flowing water—sounds that might seem trite and pedantic under other conditions. Yet, combined with the perfect lighting of jasmine and hibiscus scented candles interspersed around the space, and with two professional massage technicians speaking soft instructions to prepare us for our session, the mood was laid.

"Have you ever done this before?" Lexie asked me with a grin. In the hush, her voice was just as gentle and soothing as the technicians. I shook my head, having never heard of the New Age healing massage we had signed up to experience.

Lexie shrugged and wrinkled her nose in amusement at me. "So, what's this supposed to be like?" she addressed the technician.

"Ah, it's quite simple," the woman replied. "But unlike a traditional massage, this technique is less intrusive and does not require you to undress. As you rest in a comfortable and uninterrupted state, we will simply place our hands in a nonobtrusive way on different pressure points along your body to encourage the flow of prana or energy. Envision this flow moving through you more efficiently, releasing blocks and clearing traumas, so that you invite in a sensation of being recharged."

"Yeah, sure," I said. I caught Lexie's gaze again with a hard to suppress giggle. She rolled her eyes good-naturedly, and it hit me—like always—how goddamn beautiful she was. She had lush, healthy black hair, radiant brown skin, inquisitive eyes, and a smile that could stop a freight train. It didn't help that the background framed her like a work of art. The walls of the room were covered in a high-quality rainforest mural, fitting for the island princess in my imagination.

I pinned my attention on the ceiling with a somewhat wistful sigh.

"During and/or after your healing session," continued the technician, "it is not unusual to feel a surge of emotion that you may express through an outpouring of laughter or even tears. But do not be alarmed if you respond in ways that make you feel vulnerable. Consider it a sign that the session is working or has worked."

Burst into tears in front of Lexie? I seriously doubted anything dramatic would happen. I liked to keep an open mind, but not so open that reason and sanity fell out. After all, the singing bowls hadn't had any special effects on Devon and me, despite the hype. Nor had the synastry chart reading cast a spell of enchantment.

As if reading my skeptical mind, the technician standing at the head of my massage table smiled down at me and interjected, "Of course, you may feel nothing at all, which isn't a sign that the session has not worked. This unique method of healing has a cumulative effect, and if you find that you enjoy the experience, you may opt to maximize the benefits by continuing to book sessions in the future. Now, please make yourself comfortable and try to clear your mind."

A gong sounded in the background. I closed my eyes.

Still, a clutter of thoughts insisted on racing around in my head. I couldn't help but feel that I was distracting myself with Devon and Lexie to keep from focusing on real world problems. Pretending we had forever to dick around on a cruise ship wasn't responsible. Hoping to win megabucks by faking a relationship wasn't practical, either. I faced the specter of homelessness in the near future, irrespective of my friend's offer to crash at his place. Living with him long-term was out of the question. I needed to be focused on my career prospects, planning a strategy for genuine self-reliance.

The attendant gently rested her warm hands on my scalp. Ticklish prickles of awareness shivered through me. She held them there for a beat. My eyelashes fluttered in surprise at the unexpected heat emanating from her fingers. I took a deep breath and focused on the air filling my lungs. Relaxation was inevitable as the grazing touches continued.

From my head to my neck to my shoulders, each brush of the technician's hands carried a gentle push deeper into awareness of stillness. Subconscious concerns about my nonbinary body being explored in ways that I might not be comfortable with were put to rest because no intimate part was touched.

Instead, the respectful compassion with which the massage technician carried out her job made me think about the many times in life my boundaries had not been respected. I thought of my parents, with their insistence on defining my identity. I thought of how the world required a balance of self-interest and social integration. I thought of how difficult it was to strike that balance when society refused to adapt to ideas that challenged the so-called norm.

The heated palms hovered lightly over my solar plexus. I felt the fire in my spirit (?) like a golden orb of sunlight. For a second, I allowed myself to envision a bright future. After everything I had been through, figuring out who I was, it occurred to me that I had never imagined what happiness in my own self-sovereignty might look like. I pictured Devon, Lexie, and I diving into an authentic attempt to get to know one another, finding intimacy in a whole and healthy relationship, rather than walking a tightrope of taboo kinks behind closed doors. And if things worked out, great, but if they didn't, it would be for any normal reason relationships didn't work.

Not because I was nonbinary. Not because we were polyamorous. Not because there was anything to hide.

I found myself contemplating the possibility of a future like that working out fine, of life carrying on with its ups and downs just fine without me having to exert too much force or control. I felt a bit silly for letting myself be swayed by the suggestion that whatever this 'laying on hands' nonsense was, might be curative. At the same time, thirty minutes into the session, there was no denying that I felt significantly more refreshed than when I had entered the room.

I cracked my eyelids and peered at Lexie. The fan of her lashes fluttered against the hills of her cheeks, and silent tears coursed down to her earlobe. Her chest rose and fell slowly as she lay still and perfect in utter surrender. The music, singing birds, and babbling brook sounds filling the room had transported her to a place beyond our earthly concerns, I guessed.

It wasn't lost on me that the specific warning I had been given at the beginning of the trip was to leave her alone and let the past be the past. If I wanted to be free to choose the best life me, I couldn't do that while enamored with a girl who couldn't make decisions on her own. It would be like leaving from under the thumb of my parents and cozying up under the thumb of hers. Still.

I wanted her. And I wanted him.

The session ended with the technician softly cupping my feet in her hands. "And take another deep breath," the woman instructed quietly. I did so. Within minutes, she returned to my side with a tall clear glass of water. "Drink deeply to ground yourself." She smiled.

I nodded sheepishly as I sipped the water, wondering what had happened. I felt like I had taken the most satisfying nap of a lifetime. A glance at Lexie, wiping her eyes, and sipping from her glass with a grin told me she had enjoyed the moment, too.

"We're going to close this out," said her technician, "by allowing the two of you to experience the anchoring effect of ten minutes of uninterrupted eye contact."

I raised an eyebrow as both massage therapists nodded at us and backed out of the room. I wasn't sure how to proceed with "ten minutes of uninterrupted eye contact," but it sounded as wonky as everything else on this spiritualist retreat cruise ship of polyamorous lust. Still, with a hapless shrug, I turned to face Lexie.

"So," I said.

"Hi." The light blush that spread across her cheeks was adorable.

"Should we—should we talk??" I wondered aloud.

She tilted her head to the side and let her gaze sift over my face. I pulled back slightly, surprised by her frank examination of me. But it wasn't unpleasant. I studied her, too. The same music that had entranced us during the healing session continued to play, albeit at a lower volume. A space of seconds passed with us simply looking one another over while the binaural beats did whatever it was that the sound was supposed to do to our brainwaves.

Then Lexie's eyes softened, and I fought not to look down as she whispered, "I deeply apologize."

"It's okay," I said too quickly. My breath hitched. I wanted to look away because my eyes stung, and there was a lump in my throat. A part of me had needed to hear her say that for a very long while. Not that it changed anything, not that it took away the heartbreak and rejection I had felt when I thought she stopped taking my calls years ago because I was nonbinary.

"I was just . . . so scared," she whispered.

"I know."

She leaned forward, biting her plush bottom lip. "I was terrified by how much I came to like you in such a short amount of time, and I knew that my parents wouldn't approve. I didn't know what to do with my emotions, so I took the coward's way out, but I never stopped thinking about you."

"I never," the words fell out before I could tighten my jaw, "stopped thinking about you either, Lexie. To be honest, I don't know. . . I don't know what you did to me, but . . . It was never just sex for me even when it should have been. Know what I mean?" I swallowed and dropped my gaze. "Of course, I don't want to come between whatever you and Devon can have. He, uh, really likes you."

The rustle of the rattan massage bed signaled her sliding from her perch. She crossed the short distance to me and touched two fingers to my face. Her warm caress guided my eyes upward. I let myself drown in her dark orbs again.

"That may be the case, but here's what I've been trying to understand," she said. "The impression that I get is that, um—well, he really likes you, too." A soft grin flitted across her lips as she raised her eyebrows. I felt my cheeks redden beneath her scrutiny. "He really likes you, and you like him. So, where does that leave us? Where does it leave any of us?"

"I don't know. Where are you going with this?" I asked hesitantly.

Sidling closer, Lexie stood between my legs with her elbows resting on my thighs as her cute, upturned face peered into mine. "I've been playing Heads-or-Tails for the past two days, and it finally hit me why I can't make that stupid game work for me."

"Oh, yeah?" I murmured as her lips hovered closer to mine. My heart thundered in my chest, and I felt a little bit breathless. It was the usual affect she had on me, but this time I couldn't hide it.

Her slow nod with her attention never budging from my mouth sent a frisson of yearning through my frame. "It's because I simply don't want to choose," she whispered. With that, she used her tongue to trace a vertical line from top lip to bottom. "So, what's a girl gotta do to actually get a threesome on this polyamorous cruise?"