i was in the middle of dusting when I noticed Geovanni was up. He walked around with the same bland look on his face, looking like a zombie. I look away, guilt rushing over my body. I know I didn't cause him to be like this but it still hurts to see your friend go through it. Something so foreign and helpless. Especially when he was there for me at my most vulnerable state, I just want to be able to reciprocate. When I glance up I realize something is off, he isn't walking to the kitchen or even to the bathroom. He's heading straight for me.

He stops a couple feet away from me, glancing around to see if anyone is near. "Aidan, are you okay?" His eyes are glazed over and he appears as if he could pass out any second. I fell asleep on him last night and I can't recall if he ever fell asleep himself, or even when he slipped out of my bunk. I nod slowly, my hands getting shaky. "Yeah... yeah. I'm okay."

"Do you wanna talk?" His voice is really low, careful.

I don't want to talk about anything that happened but I do want to simply talk to him, so we go on a walk. 

•

Two days after and Geovanni is completely back to normal. Perkier than ever.

I just came back in from smoking a joint with the guys when Geovanni greets me.
"Aidan!" He says and I'm uncertain if he means this as a question or not.
I laugh. "Yes?"
"Can I talk to you?" He bounces on his toes.
"Isn't that what we're doing?"
"But like...in private?" He says this quietly.
I nod and turn to go outside. It's a nice day, very sunny and alive. I float down the steps of the front porch and walk to the bench that's in the side yard, closing my eyes to embrace the sunlight on my skin.

"What are you doing?" Geo laughs at me.
"It feels so nice." I say smoothly with a smile on my face. I glance over at him. His hair has grown out some so he has several pieces of black curls framing his face.
"Are you....high?" He laughs again. I shrug.
"Anyways, what's up?"
"You know how you asked me if I ever thought about looking into my past?"  I give him a nod. "Well I was thinking about it, and I might do it. I was wondering if you'd like to...help?"
I smile. "Yeah, I'd like that."
"Really?" He says in the most innocent way.
"Yeah, I gave you the idea so why not? It can be a tricky and lengthy process, though."  I want to give him a hug or a pat on the shoulder when I say this but I resist.
He looks at me and gives me one of the most simple yet powerful smiles I've ever seen. "Thank you, Aidan."

He makes a move to get up and walk away but I stop him by speaking. "Geovanni?" He gives me a silent answer. "I just wanted to say thank you and that I'm here for you." The high both encourages this and makes things worse. 

"I know, thank you." He nods.

As I head back inside I run into Harry. "Hey, Aidan." He placed his hand on my arm. His blonde hair is a curly mess and his brown eyes more golden than ever. Who knew brown eyes could be so attractive? "I just wanted to apologize for the night before, again. I feel like complete shit for doing that to you." He runs his hand through his hair and looks around. There are kids in both rooms near us but none of them are focused on us. He moves his jaw back and forth, he's pondering if he should say something. "I really like you, like a lot and I don't want to fuck things up." He looks shy, and Harry isn't the type to get shy. He's the confident type but not so much where he's a complete dick. Do I make this boy weak? I smile at the thought of that, and at what he just said. How can he hurt me and make me stupidly happy at the same time? He gets closer and my heart spikes. "Listen," His voice is low and it almost comes off as a threat. "Did something happen? You've been distant...it's making me worried." This catches me off guard and I give him a side look. Could he not remember? Oh god... He's looking at me with pleading eyes, begging for something. I take a step back, gaining back my composure. I nod and look around before looking back at him, taking a moment to breathe. "Yeah...everything's okay. I just need sometime." Then I push past him to make my way  to Ms. Joan, who is taking care of the babies. We only have one infant and then a couple of one and two year olds. "Hi, Ms. Joan, may I talk to you?" I ask. "Yes, what about, Aidan?" She glances at me while she feeds the baby. "It's about Geovanni, and the...phase...he went through." I say, not knowing how to address it. She looks at me with worry. "I know you told me not to worry about it or whatever but I wanted to see if you knew something. Are there things that trigger it?" I don't want to risk asking or talking to him about something that will send him into a spiral.
 She sighs as she rocks the child. "I'm not sure, hon. Like I said, there's really no say into what goes through his mind during his shut downs. Most kids... in your scenario... have some form of coping. Perhaps he just needs breaks from life in order to heal. I'm no doctor though..." I thank her for her time and make my way.

...

I've been waiting on Geo for the last hour to come to the library. To fill the time I decided to work on my journal. I've taken plenty photos with my disposable camera I bought before moving in. I've taken pictures of the house, the swimming hole, the library, my friends, and I shot some stunning pictures of Geovanni and Harry. I caught Geo laughing one night when we stayed up late talking on his bed. Tilting his head back, mouth wide open in a smile, and just laughing with all his heart. Then another one when he was catching his breath from laughing, leaning forward, clutching his stomach because his sides hurt from all the laughter. This one he was looking right into the camera, his blue eyes bluer than ever, pure happiness captured in a photo.
Then I have plenty of Harry. I have him when we were at the swimming hole, he was sitting on what is now known as my rock. Looking out into the water with the slightest smile, at peace. His golden hair bright and curlier than normal from the water. He looked so photogenic. Then another, at a party. This night was a good night. His cheeks were stained pink from drinking, he had a red solo cup in his hand, he had just turned to look at me when he saw I had my camera out, and he smiled at me. He didn't smile for the picture but he smiled because of me. In the picture you can see that his gaze isn't centered with the camera, it's because he didn't care how he looked, he was smiling to me. That's what makes this photo so distinctive.
I put all these pictures in my journal and write about them. Either about the person or the memory. Or both. It felt nice to write about these people, because I've never done that with anyone else. I've never had friends like this. It scares me how well my life is going. Photography has been a big part of my life. I love being able to capture moments. Especially when my life is always changing scenes. Pictures tell a story, and they make me feel less alone when I am struggling. If I had a career, it would be photography, along with journalism. But that would never happen.

Someone sits next to me. Disturbed, I look up with wonder. Geo looks down at me and I relax a little. I shut my journal and push it to the side and gather the papers I got together earlier.

"Okay, so I got everything together and I think I know where to start." I say standing up, ready to go over to the computers. The plan is to start looking into his past or, well, his family more specifically.
I notice midway that Geo hasn't budged. "What?" I ask confused.
"I- uh. I'm not sure if I want to do this." I can now see the worry in his face. His eyes flick up to meet mine.
"Why the change of heart?" I say taking a seat once more.
"Just, what if- what if I don't get the answer I want?"
"Well, is it about the answer you want or do you want to know the truth?" I lean into the table.
"Aidan, I just don't think I can do this right now." He says quickly then stands up and walks out.  I run after him shouting his name.
He started running once he got out of the library. Once I catch up to him I grab a hold of his arm and yank him to a stop.
"Listen, Geo if you don't want to do it then I understand. Or if you want to wait, that's fine. I don't want to pressure you into doing this if you don't want to. I just think you deserve the right to know."
He was looking down the whole time I was talking to him and when he looks up at me I notice the tears dwelling in his eyes and my first instinct is to pull him into a hug. So I do just that. It takes him a second to respond to it and I almost pull away during that time. But then he puts his arms around me and hugs back. I can feel him shaking in my arms, on the verge of a meltdown, and my heart breaks. God damn it, why is life like this? Why do we have to get such fucked up lives? It isn't fair, and I know life isn't fair but there are people who have perfect lives and then there are kids like us who can't get a break. Life is fucked up in all ways possible.
Even with all these thoughts running through my mind I still tell him those five simple words; "It's going to be okay." We've heard it enough in our lives, no doubt, and I hate that phrase but what else can you do when your friend is breaking down right there in your arms? 

I get Geo home and he acts as if nothing happened. Later that night I'm approached by Harry. 

We were brushing our teeth in awkward silence. I'm not mad at him, especially because he doesn't even remember what he did. It's just something that takes time to get over. He spits the paste out and stares at me through the mirror. 

"Can you at least tell me what I did?" He looks like a puppy that was just yelled at. I spit into the sink and rinse my mouth. I shake my head, still looking at each other through the mirror. I can't bring up the nerve to tell him what he did. He sighs and pushes the bathroom door shut, then looks at me one-on-one. "Listen, if you're going to be mad at me I at least deserve to know what the fuck I did." He's both stern and gentle.  He knows how to get the point across. I still get anxious. "I'm not mad." He runs his hand through his hair, frustrated. "Aidan, you're obviously upset! Jesus fucking Christ, just talk to me!" He raises his voice and suddenly we're both upset. "Aidan, I can't afford for you to be mad at me right now. Just talk. Please." His voice  is cracking and he's visibly shaking. I just stare. "Whatever. Fuck it. Can't say I didn't try." He's about to turn to exit but I catch his arm and force him to a stop. I look into his eyes for a second, he looks confused. So I kiss him. Gently. I place my hands on his hips and he wraps his arms around my neck. Then he pulls away, still shaking. I try to catch my breath. "Well, I guess that settles it." He whispers. I give him a small nod and then he leaves. I wait in the bathroom for a few minutes, just catching up on my thoughts.

•

The weeks go by fast. Early mornings, late nights. I wake up before almost everyone else, knock out my chores, then either I hang out with Geovanni or do some hobby of mine, after that I spend time with the guys- doing shit we shouldn't be and every now and then Harry and I get away from everyone, most nights consist of parties or get together's. The difference? Parties are exactly what you think, loud music, spiked punch, stupid teenagers, etcetera. Get together's are way more chill; few people, usually around a bonfire or at the swimming hole- anywhere cool. We talk, smoke, drink, and just have a good time. Those nights are personally my favorite.

Harry and I have been getting real close lately, and I like it. The way I feel when I'm around him is just unbelievable, I feel so relaxed and like I'm not a total fuck up. We haven't told anyone yet but that somehow makes it all the more exciting. How we sometimes lag behind in the group when we're walking, the moments when we 'forgot' something back at the house, but my favorite; our secret touches. When we stand or sit a little too close to each other, our brief but lingering touches of our hands, when we accidentally grind on one another at parties. And the glances. The way we can read each other is bizarre, one look and we know what the other has on his mind.
We fit together so perfectly and it almost- just almost- makes me glad I went through all the places I did to get here.

I'm trying not to get too hyped on my current situation; any second it can all change and I could have it all ripped away. If I have one more slip-up that's it for me. I go to juvie. Or even by chance I could still be taken away, even if I don't do anything wrong. Kids are being sent to other homes left and right, especially recently. Ms. Joan has been more stressed than ever and it's starting to make people worry. What if she gets inspected and then they shut down the house? It could happen. There are too many of us here, the state could potentially see as a hazard. You never know with this lifestyle. It sucks.