I tell Geovanni about the party. Everything except about the whole kissing Harry thing. No one needs to know about that. I don't know how I feel about it now, anyways. It's complicated.

"That sounds like fun, I guess. You better fucking pray to God that you didn't get caught because that doesn't happen twice." Geovanni says as we walk down the sidewalk. He glances over his shoulder, as if to make sure no one is listening to our conversation.
"You've ever been caught?" I question.
"Oh, yeah. Not fun." He smiles and shakes his head.
"Wanna share?" I bump into his shoulder jokingly. He flinched but doesn't let it go further.
"Hmm, nah."
"That's lame." I tease.
He shrugs.

We're at the library now, which we've been here a lot recently. Not because we are forced to, we come here because it's a nice way to hang out too. I know, we're nerds. But living in a rather small town, how can you blame us?

"Have you ever looked into your files to see if you can dig anything up on your family? Since you don't know what happened?" We didn't really talk about our family, but I was curious. All I knew was that he had no idea why he is an orphan, whether his parents were alive or not. Nothing.

"Nope." He says blankly, too involved in his video game.
"How come?" I ask.
"Scared to figure out what happened."
He has a good point I suppose. However, I wouldn't be able to handle not knowing. It diminishes your sense of self-value, feeling like you don't belong.

We spent the rest of the night in the library, walking home last minute. This is what happens when you get so annoyed of the place you live.; you get away as long as you can, whenever you can.

"Do you know about your family?" He asks softly while we walk down the dark road.
"Um..." I ponder if I want to tell him. "They're gone." I don't want to share the full story I decide. And he doesn't ask. That's how I know this friendship will last... hopefully.

We get home right before curfew and no one questions us. I head to the bathroom to get ready for bed when I run into Harry. We haven't talked since the party. It's been awkward, that's part of the reason I spent all night with Geovanni.

"Hey, about last night..." I say, awkwardly shifting my feet.
"We're cool. Don't worry." He smiles then walks away.
What the fuck? Is that seriously all he's going to say?

•

Things have been...slow. I haven't done shit in the past five days, I've barely been able to get out of bed. The only times being to use the bathroom or get a snack at midnight, which is the only meal I've been eating. Exhaustion controls my body and my demons control my thoughts.  My so called friends came by the first two days but haven't been by since I stopped replying. Except for Geovanni, who understands my silence. He's brought me water and has encouraged me to go eat (he can't personally bring me food because it's against the rules). But I don't take his advice.

Today is a bit better than the rest, I've managed to get out of bed. I started catching up on my chores, since I have literally done nothing this week. Ms. Joan was starting to get pissed but more worried than anything. She really does care. 

Doing chores can be therapeutic. It's calm and gives me something to focus on, other than the things that go on in my head. The memories. Being aware of me avoiding them brings me right back to square one. You can't run from  your issues forever, I suppose. Is it even possible to heal and move on from them at this point? I just want to be released of the weight from my past, and it is a genuine concern that I won't be. I also wonder if "normal" people have breakdowns like damaged people do. Do they have thought spirals? Where it is literally impossible to get out of. Thoughts just consume your entire being under you break further than you ever have. 

I think of all the people I have met who are so damaged that, even if everything started going right for them, they'd still be broken. Isn't that fucked? We didn't choose this. Why is it that the already hurt youth have to deal with life's harshest tests and the world's shittiest people? Countless kids ranging all ages dealing with so much baggage that they'd rather take their own life. Suicide is the cruelest and most heartbreaking thing. Being a person on both ends of the equation, who has considered it but also witnessed it...

I get dizzy while sweeping the stairs. The visions and memories suddenly too much. I can physically feel my heart pounding in my chest. My eyesight starts to blur, and everything is moving extremely slow. I try to breathe but it just shortens and my lungs are on fire. I sit on the stairs with my head in my hands. It's pounding and I lose control.

I take down the steps, not being able to think.

I find myself in the bathroom. Vomiting into the toilet. Hardly anything comes out due to the lack of eating. I end up gagging. And then I'm sitting there, crying, shaking. A mess on the bathroom floor.

There are people near me. I feel them. Their hand on my back. Someone is talking but my ears are ringing.

I manage to look at them through the tears in my eyes. Ms.Joan is at my side and Geovnni behind her.

"Aidan, you need to breathe. Honey, look at me, breathe. In and out." She says. I do the breathing patterns with her for a while. And then she motions to Geovanni to help get me up. They grab me by my arms and pull me up. I continue breathing. Sweat rolls down my face, my body. The kids are surrounding us. Everyone all crowded near the bathroom. Their faces either in shock or bland. I recognize a few. I see Harry and he looks worried, but I can't look at him.

They bring me upstairs. And now I'm laying in Ms. Joan's bed. Away from everyone. Geovanni sits by my side while Ms. Joan goes to get ice packs to cool me down.

He doesn't say anything. He's just there. And that's all I want and need. He understands. That is the best feeling, to know you aren't completely alone.

•

I fell asleep.

When I wake up there is no one there. I try to sit up but my head spins. Back to laying down. I look around the room. The walls are painted a light yellow. There are pictures hanging up in frames throughout the medium sized room. There's a dresser with what looks like a little kid's art on it. And letters. Lots of letters, it's covered in them. There's a mirror in the corner and then a door that just leads into the bathroom. I try to stand up again, this time going slow.

I make my way into the bathroom, which is way outdated. And way pink. Everywhere. There's wallpaper that is hot pink  with yellow ducks. A claw bathtub which is almost red but not quite there. The toilet and sink are the same color: a rose pink. It's quite hideous, especially because they are all different tones and it doesn't match at all.

I turn the sink on to cold water and wash my face. I feel and look like absolute shit. I sigh. Then I turn around to head back to the bed.

Someone comes in and my heart jumps with panic. It's Geovanni, who brought water.

"Thank you." I attempt to say but my throat is so dried out a croak is all that I manage. Geo smiles, it's very faint, but there.

"Here, sit down. You're in no shape to be up." He says in a very soft tone. I do what he instructs.

He hands me the water and as I reach for it I notice how shaky my hand is. He sees that too. He looks at me. His eyes are incredibly blue and his face is so calming. His curls are lose today, a couple strands falling on his forehead. His hair is pitch black and cut short. Other features include his pale pink lips and his nose ring, which is a hoop. I never noticed it until now. Geo has a very youthful look, as if he hasn't been through hell. 

He puts the glass in my hand and then covers my hand with his own. I chug the whole glass. Which is probably not the best idea but it felt good nonetheless. 

"What happened?" I stutter. This isn't new. I know what happened in my head. I go in these cycles, of being fine, and then I'm not, then I have a breakdown, and eventually get back to fine. They're toxic and I can't control them. When the thoughts and memories become too much I have anxiety attacks (what just happened). But sometimes, it's like I almost black out during this period. What I'm physically doing not exactly registering in my head. Anxiety attacks are different for everyone. Maybe I'm misdiagnosed. Who knows. But it's tough, especially cause there is almost nothing you can do about them.

He looks at me with the most sincere look, slightly tilting his head to the side. "Aidan..."
"Tell me." I say firmly. I want to know. I need to know.
"You started screaming... I don't know if anything happened before that. I was outside but I could hear you. There are different versions going around downstairs. Kids talk. You'll just have to ignore them." He's fidgety. Looking down at his hands that are in his lap while he plays thumb war with himself.
"Continue..." I say, urging on.
"When I came in I saw you running...stumbling...to the bathroom. I had no idea what happened but I followed you. You were throwing up and that's when I heard Ms. Joan pull up so I ran out to get her. When we made it inside you were on the floor shaking." His eyes flash to me.
I just stare at him.
"It was scary...but you're okay. I think." He reassures, and I see tears in his eyes. My heart drops. I run my hands through my hair and I don't know what to think. I can't think.

"Can I ask you a question? Please?" He asks quietly. I nod my head. "You're not on drugs...are you? I won't tell anyone; just, if you need help I can help you get it. I want you to be safe."

I sigh. "No, Geo, I'm not doing drugs. I promise." I stick out my pinky, hoping to lighten the mood. I hate making people worry about me. He looks at me and I can see it all in his eyes, he links his pinky with mine.

•

The days after that are better. Much better.

Geovanni and I go for a trip to the library and play video games for hours. That's it. We hardly talk and it is so nice. Having such a severe breakdown, one that builds up for days, is draining in every way possible. After it all, you feel numb. It is the strangest thing. Feeling such intense pain one second, then nothing the next. It makes you feel mental. Not being able to understand why your brain works the way it does... it is frustrating. What's more frustrating, is that it all happened in front of everyone. I'm their source of gossip right now. Not that I care. It is just, weird... when you think about it.

On our way home it starts raining. First it is light but it's quick to change.

Geovanni starts laughing. I look at him, wondering why the sudden outburst.

"This is great." He claims.
I smile and look up. "It fits pretty accurately." I laugh.
"Here come on, let's get out of this." He says and takes my hand and starts running. Too fast. So fast that we fall and slide down the hill we are running down. Into mud.
"Geo!" I scream.
He sits up and looks at me, his face is hard to read but it doesn't look good. Then he notices I'm smiling. And it spreads over him instantly. And we laugh. And laugh. It feels so nice to let loose and just be us and let all this shit go. Happiness has been missing for so long and now it floods over me, and it fills every inch of my body. Even just for a handful of seconds; it's worth everything.

We suddenly stop laughing, catching our breath. I look at him and then look down. Our hands. His hand is on mine. He pulls away and looks at me. He's trying to read me. I look down.

"Shall we continue?" He asks. I nod. So we go. When we stand up there is mud all over us, and the  back of Geo's head is slathered in it. He scratches at it and moans. "What kind of bullshit..." I laugh at him. "You know, I really like that new hair trend you started. It's really cute, probably smells great too." Then I bend down and dip my fingers in the yuck. "Geo.. you know what you'd be great as?" He turns around with curiosity. I move slowly, to not freak him out, and for whatever reason he lets me. "You'd make a hot footballer." I joke as I rub the mud in lines under his eyes. "You're... an asshole." He breathes out. We both laugh and start walking. "I like how you just let me... didn't even try to defend yourself." I point out. "I didn't know what the fuck you were doing... but it's okay because I got you back and you didn't even notice." I look at him contused, and this dick has the biggest smile on his face. Then he touches my cheek with his hand, covered in mud. "Joking, dumb ass. Got you." He drags his hand down my neck, spreading mud everywhere. 

We get back to the home an absolute mess. Our clothes muddy and dripping wet. But that doesn't matter because we both feel better. We wash up and then get dinner.

And I actually eat.

•

I can't sleep that night. I sneak into the kitchen to find food, my stomach finally catching up to me. I make myself a sandwich and swallow it down. I also chug some water. Then some orange juice.

I head down the hall, realizing how peaceful and nice this house is at night. It makes me nostalgic. Then there are footsteps that pull me out of it. I jump into the bathroom and wait for Ms. Joan to walk down the stairs. But she doesn't. I wait a couple more seconds and when there's no more sound I decide it's safe and exit the bathroom. I turn the corner into the hallway and nearly jump out of my skin. There's someone standing there, but in the dim lighting I can't see whom.

"Aidan?" His voice sounds familiar.
"I can't see you...who is it?" I say, curiosity killing me.
He laughs. "It's Harry, damn I'll try to not be offended."
"Oh. My bad." I give a halfhearted laugh. He takes a step forward and I can start to make out his features.
"Look, uh I'm sorry for whatever happened at the party...I guess." He says.
"Oh come on, don't act like you don't remember." I say, not even caring. But my heart beat does speed up.
"You're right, I do remember. I remember everything. Hell, I wasn't even completely drunk. I played along." He admits, his voice is low but firm. I feel him getting closer.
"Oh. I didn't think you cared. You didn't acknowledge me ever since." I say, feeling like a loser for confessing I cared so much.
"Aidan, I cared. And when all that shit happened to you I wanted nothing more than to help you...but I was afraid I would make it worse or that you didn't even like me." He says this all in one breath.
I don't know what to think. Or do. So I just stand there and try to form words. This is weird.

He senses that I'm struggling. He takes a step closer. I can feel his body warmth but we aren't touching. I don't move. His dark eyes look into mine and I feel like I'm naked. Like he can see me for who I really am, all my dark parts and all the light. He touches my face. His fingers just barely there. Then his lips touch mine. Lightly. I kiss him. He kisses back. And then I'm against the wall. Our bodies pressed together. His hands on my face and mine on his hips. Our breath hot and our kiss passionate. Our bodies are pressed together and suddenly I'm thinking about things you shouldn't when making out with someone. Like, I shouldn't be questioning why this is happening. But I am.  He pulls away, my chest heaving. He looks down, mutters.

Then he's gone.