Chapter Thirteen: Evan

It's easier to blame the idea that the world is against me and despises my fucking guts thus the consistent pattern where my life never really goes according to plan.

I can also just blame the fact that I was never good at constructing plans. That's why every time I make one, it ends up going down the drain for its sheer ineffectiveness.

But I know if I continue blaming everything that goes wrong in my life on insubstantial claims instead of taking accountability for my own inconsideration, I might as well just run in circles.

That's why as much as my indignity wants to blame Alyssa and her spontaneity for the cause of my plan consequently failing, there's only so much stalling and pointing fingers that I can do before I realize that the problem is... Well, me.

Me and my tendency to not listen to any line of reasoning I know if I tried to comply, I could've easily prevented all of this. All of this being the absolute mayhem that keeps transpiring in my life and yet I keep making the unconscious decision to perpetuate it.

To continue being so stubborn because I don't know where my limits are anymore, that's why I keep putting myself in these predicaments that I know are only going to inflict more harm than good, but you don't really get to digest that when you're too blinded by your emotions to act logically, now can you?

At this point, I only have myself to blame.

But it seems as though my pride is still having a hard time coming to terms with that because even though my sensibility has reprimanded me, I still couldn't stop myself from making my frustrations ruin the mood as soon as Alyssa tagged me along to go out and eat with her.

I just wanted to remind myself that it isn't her fault, how could it be when the only thing she's done was to spend the majority of her days hanging out with me even though she's not obligated to do so?

Yet here I am, being fucking ungrateful and making her think that I don't appreciate her let alone enjoy her company, and I know I can make the effort to hide it, but it's hard when you're crushed by the consequences of your own actions and you don't even have anyone to talk about it with.

Because I obviously can't talk to Alyssa about this, after giving her mixed signals alluding to me being interested in her, which to be frank, I still am.

But how the hell is that going to seem truthful if I suddenly rant to her about how my ex is here in New York, and how I can't seem to think about anything else aside from her and how her current relationship makes me want to punch drywall?

Therefore, I repress the need to vent about it despite wanting to do so very badly, which just led to me looking like I'm about to strangle the next person that even steps at least a few feet away from me, and it's obvious my shift in behavior was prominent to Alyssa as I notice her, from the corner of my eye, glancing up at me with a tinge of concern swimming in her ocean blue eyes.

A throb of guilt panged in my chest upon her noticing her equally affected demeanor, she was a sponge that way, because here I am dragging her down with my bullshit when she just wanted to have a simple lunch out with me, and yet here I am contaminating the atmosphere with my bitterness and envy which to Alyssa, probably appears like blatant detachment and disinterest.

Great, it hasn't even been that long and you've already managed to screw things up with the girl you were planning to pursue. Good fucking job, Prince Charming.

"Hey," Alyssa called out softly as she reached out to stroke the side of my palm with her thumb, looking up at me as we got seated at the corner of the restaurant we're dining at, the same restaurant we ate at yesterday, specifically "Are you okay?"

I swallowed thickly, letting my gaze sweep across the menu I was holding as I couldn't seem to maintain eye contact with her "Yeah," I replied nonchalantly whilst offering her a fleeting grin that barely even reached my eyes "Everything's good, why?"

Alyssa visibly bit the inside of her cheek as I said that "It's kind of hard to believe, to be honest." she said as politely as she could "You seem... withdrawn. More than usual, that is."

I knew it was going to be hard to fool Alyssa into believing my excuses, she may be considerate enough to leave me be when she knows there's nothing that she can do that can appease the situation, but she's also not one to shy away from something that she knows is not only bothering me but her as well.

It's just as easy to say white lies, maybe even sins of omission to avoid discussing it altogether, but that's only going to gradually dampen the mood and confirm to Alyssa that I am indeed feeling withdrawn and would prefer to be anywhere else but here, but God forbid I fucking do that to her when she's only been patient and considerate towards me.

"I'm sorry," I muttered, low enough to reflect what I was really feeling but loud enough to accommodate her "I've just been plagued with fucking... distractions."

She blinked once, then twice "Internal or external?"

A bit of both. I can manage to not internalize it if only she isn't there all the fucking time.

But I bit down on my tongue and responded with "Both, a combination of university and uh, conflicts regarding my personal life." which is true as long as I don't lay down the specifics.

Alyssa cocked her head, adamant to find out more, "How long has this been going on?"

"Recently," I answered, "You know, one of those things where you think everything is running smoothly but something in your personal life finds a way to somehow... deter that."

"Family-related?" she asked as I merely let out a chuckle.

"I guess you could say that,"

She frowned, threading her fingers through mine while she held my hand tightly. "I am so sorry, I know you're not compelled to share anything about your personal life with me, subjects like that are very touchy, but just know I'm always here if you need someone to talk to."

The urge to do just that was so intense I could almost taste it, feel it, heck, take it by the nape of its neck and fling it across the room, to damn the need for rationality and let impulsivity win, at this point. But God knows as soon as I cave in I'm just as quickly gonna regret it afterward.

With that, I settle with white lies again, for the sake of doing myself a favor "Thank you. It's nothing too serious, just feeling extremely homesick, that's all."

"Which is normal, but you just have to remind yourself your family is always there, and that even though you miss them, holding onto the idea of them is only gonna bring you down, and chances are they probably don't want to feel like a hindrance in your life," she suggested and even though her advice was intended for something else, I can't help but reconsider it for the circumstances I'm actually dealing with.

"It may seem hard having to adjust to a new way of living especially without the people that you love, moving on and starting new is very difficult, but that's how beautiful connections come to be in the first place, right?" she said rhetorically.

"So maybe your first gut instinct is to hold on, but it's much better if you start with anything... " she flicks her eyes back up to me "Or anyone, to create something beautiful again."

My chest grows heavy at her implication, her tone all too passionate and... hopeful, the kind that I wish I can match just to prove that we're on the same wavelength, that I don't intend to fully neglect her and she's not alone in her sentiment.

That I'm just as capable of letting go as I am of holding on, and that I'll try to leave behind what's dragging me down so I have enough strength to welcome her and everything that she has to offer without uncertainty... but moving on isn't an overnight process, and I just can't find it in myself to reciprocate the same type of willingness.

I've told enough white lies, the statute of limitations has to end here. "I know," I answered, trying to sound grateful "I'll keep that in mind,"

The wave of dejection returned to shore just as quickly as it arrived, but I felt it crash beneath my feet even when she masked it with a smile.

*  *  *

I promised her I would try harder.

Try harder to be more attentive next time and that I'm sorry if my focus seemed to have drifted anywhere else but her, but she simply dismissed it with a flick of her hand as she told me once we were heading out of the restaurant:

"It's okay, I'm the one that dragged you out to eat without a moment's notice, I should've texted first to see if you were in the mood," she reassured as I shook my head.

"No, don't. Never apologize for going out of your way to check up on me, you've been the only person kind enough to do so during my stay here and yet I can't even return the favor-"

"It's not a favor if I wanted it, Evan." she told me "I've never once felt like hanging out with you was something that I needed to do out of responsibility. I'm too fond of you..." she trailed off, pondering over her words as a visible blush crept over her freckled cheeks "To do that."

"Yet here I am making you feel just that," I sighed before taking a step forward while her eyes widened at our sudden close proximity "I'm so sorry,"

I gently cupped her jaw and tilted her head so her eyes stared directly into my own, reinforcing a level of intimacy I wasn't able to assert earlier due to my absentmindedness "Just know that the fondness is mutual, more so even," I grinned cheekily as she went hot under my touch "That I've never felt like I needed to force myself to enjoy your company whenever we go out. It's just that today is..."

"Not your day?" she finished for me as I fell silent, but nodded either way "I understand."

"I know you do," I said softly, brushing my nose against hers as I heard her breath hitch at the slight brush of skin "You always do. You're... fucking amazing like that."

A small puff of laughter escaped her lips as she looked down at the ground instead, appearing flustered "You're something else, you know that?" she remarked "You're so detached one second, and then the next..." she doesn't finish what she's about to say, simply just laughs.

"I'm sort of an enigma that way," I joked before wiping any trace of humor as I added, "But I'll try to be more present next time, not just when I realized I've fucked up and it's too late."

"It's never too late," she said "We have all the time we need, but it's okay if you have days that you just want to be left alone. God knows everybody has those days."

"Yeah, and right now I'm just currently going through one," I conceded. "It's nothing personal."

"It doesn't have to be, you can always take your time," she said as I gave her my first, genuine smile of the day, letting go of her face before hailing her a cab.

I opened the door to let her in, but not before I gently took her elbow, making her glance back at me one last time "I'll text you when I'm not feeling like an absentminded ditz anymore."

The corners of her lips twitched in amusement at that "I'll be here when that happens."

With that, I shut the door on her way in and slapped the roof of the taxi before it took off, all the while as I watched it descend through the streets with my heart heavy with the guilt of not reciprocating her affections just as ardently because deep down I know everything is on the same level of intensity, I'm just not as courageous to act out on it as she is.

For reasons that are unknown to her, but for me, are just as clear as the light of day.

... Yet I can't help but think that I'm keeping the both of us in the shadows together.