Having to put up again with those hurtful memories of my father's death is definitely not helping me at all. Since then, I've always wanted to get to know more of the people surrounding me, starting with my neighbors. To be honest, I've mostly been the reclusive type, often staying behind and minding my own business. Though, that terrible day changed things, and, as of now, I can't exactly say if it did so for the better or for the worse.

However, this isn't exactly something my mother would approve of. She usually calls me the stalker, the nosy little girl, the one who should mind her own business when I've never seen her do so in her freaking life.

What's worse, anyway, is that today is anything but different from usual. She is getting on my nerves with her tendency to snap at me for whatever I do, regardless of my efforts to try and make things work. Never mind. Yet another argument, and more trouble for me. I'm used to that.

***

"You know I don't like when you spy on our neighbors, Leezel," says my mom, her arms cross and a deadly glare shot exactly in my direction. God, for a moment I wish I'd be blind, but I know this is unlikely to happen. "Yet, you still do it. Can you tell me why you never listen to me when I talk, young lady?"

I don't even bother looking at her. After the shit she's been telling me and Lyanna since Dad's death, she doesn't deserve my looks or my words, although giving her the silent treatment would sound disrespectful.

"Are you even paying attention, Leezel? I'm not impressed with your behavior right now." Huh. That's obvious. She doesn't seem to understand I need some space, to the point that she suffocates the very little I have. Again, why does she have to be so overbearing? Why can't she just act like a loving mother would do?

"I'm not spying on our neighbors," I mutter, still trying not to look into her eyes. I can feel she's giving me cold daggers; though, to be honest, I don't mind them as long as they don't match with hurtful, even offensive words.

"Don't lie to me," is her harsh response. Personally, I don't even care if she believes me to be a liar. What's sure is that she hasn't exactly told me the truth about her feelings all my life. If only Dad had survived... Sometimes, I prefer living those moments when all the trouble was hidden under the carpet once again than dealing with the pains of those harsh truths.

"I'm not a liar." Once again, I find myself defending from her ruthless attacks. Why can't she just stop? Doesn't she see I'm too vulnerable to face more insults and more unjustified criticism? Or does she just see her side of things, without even paying attention to what other people say or do? Oh, I almost forgot, everything in this house seems to be turning around her, in a bad way.

"Huh. Why should I believe you, Leezel? You're never telling me the truth. Why are you constantly spying on our neighbors?" She raises the voice while asking me that question for the second, if not third time. To be honest, this shit is getting me a headache.

"You know what, Mom? You won't believe me, so we'd better quit arguing. Let me be, please." With that, I turn my back at her, but in a polite way, and go back to my room, closing the door behind me without slamming it. I don't want her to yell at me once again.

***

Mom can't understand my pain, and the argument we've just had proves exactly that. I can't rely on her when it comes to advice, to the point that I just wish Shaye or Tiffany were here and not far away, out of reach. However, the only one who could have proper talk with me is Lyanna; let's be honest, she isn't exactly confident. Moreover, she's often prone on taunting me rather than giving me sound advice as a sister should do instead. However, I don't mind that much as long as she doesn't hurt me.

Well, I can't deny I often spy on my neighbors, but I'm too afraid to explain why I do that. Okay, this may sound silly, but there's this guy in our neighborhood, Barry Brown, whom I've always crushed on since I first noticed him. He's not the usual thirteen-year-old guy pretending to be cool for his age, pulling nasty pranks on girls and acting flirty with them to prove he's the right one. Well, he doesn't need to.

There's a problem, though. Every girl my age could set her eyes on him. And, what's worse, I've never, ever confessed my feelings to him. Rejection isn't something I'd appreciate - everybody knows the reasons; moreover, being rejected by the guy you crush on isn't exactly that cool.

He was involved in a brief... let's say "more than friends" relationship with a girl called Marissa, or at least until when she moved to another town, two hundred kilometres far from here. I can't say exactly if he has since forgotten her: honestly, I don't think so, since they spent most of the time at school together. They were sitting together both on the schoolbus and during classes, but also at lunch. All while the other girls were pretty jealous of them, including me.

But, hey, I shouldn't cry my eyes out for that. Guys come back and forth, as Shaye once told me (quite) wisely after being dumped by her ump-th boyfriend. I guess I have to bear with that without complaining... Okay, never mind. I'm kind of self-pitying, which is not good for my self-esteem.

As much as I'd like to be lost in my thoughts and catch up on them, I'm interrupted by someone knocking the door. To my disappointment, it's Lyanna. I thought it would just be a sort of trick, but it's anything but. She seems to be in the mood to talk to me. Well, I don't. Not that I don't like her or I don't want to talk to her, but right now my thoughts are focused on Barry. Talking to her would mean risking venting them, therefore facing mockery as well as laughter. And, since it's my sister being potentially the listener, I'm not okay with her being the first one to learn about my feelings for him. He should be the first to know, or else, anyone that's more trustworthy than that little gossip.