'I'm dying and I'm trying
But believe me, I'm fine
But I'm lying
I'm so very far from fine'
~Twenty Øne Piløts

Dan

"Okay it wasn't that scary." I said as we walked into the hotel.

"Yes it was! It was terrifying!" Phil shouted.

"How would you know? You had your hands over your eyes most of the time!" Chris retorted.

"Yeah well you were all Kissy-Eyes-Kendall staring at Peej the whole time!" Phil said back, both Chris and Pj's faces flushing red. "But like seriously though, are you guys a thing or not?"

"I, um, well, yeah." Chris stuttered.

"Yes! This is gonna be great!" Phil exclaimed, excitedly. "I'm gonna live vicariously through your relationship forever until you guys get married! Oh! And you have to send me pictures all the time! Well, except when you're having the sexy times because no offence but I don't-"

"Woah, Phil! We just started this like two days ago. We're still getting used to it." Chris said, cutting Phil off.

"Hey Peej, you've been quiet this whole time. Is everything okay?" I asked, noticing how he'd been staring down at his phone the whole time we'd been walking.

"What? Oh. Yeah." He said, looking up from his phone for a second, "My mum just texted me is all."

"Something important?" Chris asked quietly.

"Uh, no. I'm...everything is fine." Pj answered as we got onto the lift.

*

Chris and Pj went back to their room to start tidying up and packing for the trip home, while Phil and I went back to mine. I began to shove clothes into the black suitcase I'd brought, when Phil walked out of the bathroom frowning, holding four empty bottles of vodka.

I looked up into his disappointed eyes then immediately glanced away, my face flushing red with embarrassment. "Dan, I'm worried about you..." Phil sat down on the bed, looking down at me as I continued to pack my things on the floor.

"There's nothing to be worried about." I said softly. "I'm fine."

"But if this turns into a regular thing then..." his voice trailed off. "I just couldn't live with myself if I knew that you were doing this to yourself and I didn't do anything to stop it."

"Look, Phil, I just wasn't in a good place and...I just wanted to forget..." suddenly memories of that night came flooding back without warning:

I watch with blurred and dizzy vision as the clear liquid starts disappearing with every sip I take. All the voices in my head and all of the tormenting phrases that I use against myself slowly melt away, as does the bitter taste of the alcohol; the more I drink, the less I can taste, see, feel.

After two of the bottles are completely empty, I find myself running towards the bathroom, bottles in hand. I'm crying and puking into the toilet at the same time, my hands on either side of the seat.

As stupid and delusional as I am, I decide to polish of what's left in the two full bottles, vomiting in between chugs.

Eventually I can hardly see straight as I rock myself back and forth against the wall next to the bathtub. I want to sleep but I can't because all I can think of is Phil. Phil and Chris and Pj and all of my friends and what they would think of me right now.

'They'd probably think I'm a pathetic mess who just wants attention, and they'd be right oh god I'm so stupid I just want it to go away I just want the thoughts to go away please-'

Now I'm throwing up again, barely getting it in the toilet. 'I just want it all to end' I get up and drag myself to the bed, plopping onto it unceremoniously. 'I wish it could just be over'

The last thing I think before blacking out completely is; 'I should just die, it'd be better for everyone.'

"Dan?" I snapped back to reality with the sound of his voice. "Dan, what's wrong?" Phil asked frantically. He jumped off the bed and dropped down next to me, wiping away a tear that I didn't even know had been shed.

"I...there's nothing to worry about, I promise. I was just having a bad night and..." I couldn't finish the sentence because I knew that if I tried I'd start sobbing.

I tried to calm myself down by breathing slowly in and out and counting to ten. It wasn't working and I began to feel lightheaded and I felt a slight pain in my chest. "Dan? Dan, hey, I'm here okay?" He tried it comfort me, gripping my shoulders tightly, but not uncomfortably.

I tried to form words but nothing was coming out as I gasped for a breath that wasn't there. I couldn't stop the tears from streaming out of my eyes and I clasped one hand over my mouth to stop the wretched sobs from escaping my lips, the other hand clenching my shirt where my chest is.

My eyes were squeezed shut which is why I flinched slightly when Phil pulled me into his arms in a warm embrace. I wasn't hugging him back as my hands were still against my mouth and chest. But it didn't matter because Phil was holding me close, his arms wrapped around me tightly and protectively as if he were sheltering me from any bad in the world.

I didn't feel like everything was alright and that everything would be fine. I knew that it wouldn't be. But I also knew that no matter what happened, Phil would be here for me, with me.

Well, I hoped so.