iii. SCHOOL MAKES ME
WANT TO DIE
( chapter three )

It was the morning after the beginning-of-term feast and Cal already wanted to go on Christmas holidays. He woke up in a jumble on his bed, his sheets halfway off the bed and his pillows sitting on the other side of the dormitory. His dorm mates were getting ready, ignoring how horribly he slept. They were used to it. Cal forgot just how early they were made to wake up; he was used to the easy mornings of the Summer holidays, where he could lazy around in bed all morning before getting up—at his own pace—for breakfast.

The food they served at Hogwarts was almost worth the outrageously early hours they were subjected to.

Getting ready was a mess. As the last person to get up, he was left with only cold water for his shower. And in his opinion, nothing was worse than a cold shower in the morning. Then, he needed to rummage through his trunk for his uniform. It was almost impossible to get the clothes out from under all the rubbish he brought with him ( why did his Mum insist on him taking two combs? ), but after a lot of tugging and grunting, it was free and mostly wrinkle-free. He jumped into his uniform and quickly fixed his hair, dragging the comb through his damp, blond curls and hoping for the best. The whole process lasted around fifteen minutes, give or take a few. He was even out of the dormitory before a few of the others who had woken up before him. But knowing them, they would take hours to make sure they looked perfect.

For what? Cal didn't know. They weren't at a fashion show, nor were any of the girls very interested, so there wasn't a point. Whatever the case may have been, Cal was ready and out of the door in no time.

He walked down the dimly lit, familiar corridor that led to the Common Room. He passed by a few guys from the other years and nodded his head, as was customary in Slytherin house. No one wanted to be talked to that early in the morning, least of all a bunch of grumpy Slytherins with tendencies to snap at the first inconvenience, not that any of them would admit to it.

When Cal entered the Common Room, his eyes scanning it for anyone he knew—namely Evan and Carmen—he heard a voice call out from the entrance. It was as he had hoped.

"Cal!" Said Evan, bringing his arm up to wave at him. He looked like many of the other boys in their year—that was, overly done up. His hair was coiffed and his shirt looked like it had been freshly ironed, it was so straight. Even his shoes were shined! Everything looked like it was done on purpose. And as Cal got closer to him, he smelled a subtle, spicy scent coming from Evan.

"Are you wearing cologne? Why?" Asked Cal, leaning in to smell him again. They were standing close enough that if Cal looked up, he would be able to see the faint spattering of freckles on Evan's nose.

Evan took it in stride. "What, no good morning?" At Cal's withering look, he rolled his eyes, relenting. "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. And not that it has anything to do with you, but I am attempting to woo a certain lucky student at our school," he explained, bobbing his head like a proud peacock. He had that irritating smirk plastered on his face, too.

"Wait, what? Who? And why didn't you tell me earlier, you berk!" Cal punctuated his shout with a slap to the arm, his expression insulted. Why didn't people ever tell him things? It wasn't like he would go blabbing his mouth to the whole school. Cal never gossiped. The students were vultures, and would twist anything he gave them.

"Well, if you're going to be like that then I guess I won't tell you."

Cal's mouth fell open.

"What do you mean you won't tell me?" He demanded, flapping his hands about at his side. His friends could be so frustrating sometimes, it was ridiculous.

"I meant exactly what I said," said Evan, his curt tone stopping that conversation in its tracks. To the great disappointment of Cal. "Anyway, Carmen said to go on without her, she has some 'business' to take care of. Her words, not mine. So we should probably go to the Great Hall if we don't want to miss breakfast," he said, pivoted on the spot and headed out through the entrance, a cloud of spicy cologne wafting into Cal's nostrils.

He sneezed.

Not one to by left behind, Cal rushed after him, his shorter legs making him work harder than he wanted to that early in the morning. It was during those small moments that Cal really wished he was taller. It was impossible to get anywhere with stumps for legs.

"Are you going to tell me why?" He asked when he caught up with Evan, his head turned and his eyes narrowed. The dungeons were cold in the morning, and as Cal breathed, small puffs of condensation fanned out in front of him. He crossed his arms tightly over his chest, trying to conserve warmth.

Evan was in a similar situation. His breath came out in foggy waves, his hand periodically rose to rub his arm, and he looked like he wanted to go back to the warmth of the common room fireplace. He was frowning slightly, too. Cal thought that he looked oddly adorable; like a grumpy cat who had been deprived of a sun-soaked nap. Like Pepper. Maybe that was why they got along so well.

Unfurling his arms, Cal clasped his and Evan's hands together. He moved his thumb in circles on the cold flesh of Evan's hand, trying to maintain even a modicum of heat. He read somewhere, maybe in one of those non-fiction books his Mum kept lying around the house, that penguins huddled together for warmth. Evan always seemed to be flustered when Cal got too much into his personal space—he attributed it to a lonely childhood—so it would have to do. Evan didn't say anything about the touch, but his eyes flashed in a way Cal couldn't read.

"No, not really."

"Why not?" Cal wouldn't admit that he sounded whiny. He didn't.

"Because Carmen didn't tell me."

"Oh. Do you—"

"If you ask me if I know why she didn't tell me I'm going to hex you."

"Okay." Cal kept quiet for a moment. He was smirking when he next spoke. "Then who do you like?"

"Cal, I swear on Morgana's grave—" He said, his face clouded with anger, but before he could get his hands on him, Cal let go of his hand and took off down the corridor, his loud, booming laughter bouncing off its black-bricked walls. "Get back here, you twat, I'm not finished with you!"

And even if Evan thought it was beneath him, he ran, too. When Cal looked back over his shoulder, his eyes bright despite the time of day, he saw Evan trying desperately not to let a smile overtake his face.

It really was good to be back.

     Cal and Evan were just starting to dig into their breakfasts when Carmen walked in through the doors of the Great Hall, Adonis Parkinson in tow. They were holding hands and Carmen was smiling. Parkinson's face, in contrast, was stony. He looked like he wasn't even really present during the conversation he and Carmen appeared to be having; his gaze filmy, like thin, wet paper.

Cal coughed to get his Evan's attention.

He pointed at where the couple were standing, and Evan's eyes followed Cal's finger. He, through a mouthful of porridge, swore. It was quiet, like he didn't want to be heard, but forceful enough that he meant it. Cal turned his eyes to him. He didn't know why Evan reacted so strongly to what they were seeing. Okay, yeah, it was weird and Cal almost didn't know what he was looking at—when did she even find the time to..?—but he thought the swearing was a little overdramatic. Carmen was known for her flings. She went through boys quicker than Evan did hair gel. And that was saying something, Cal thought, his eyes wandering away from Carmen and her new boy toy to Evan's coiffed air.

"Cal, do you see what I'm seeing?" Asked Evan, not taking his eyes away from their friend and her new dalliance.

"Uh huh," hummed Cal, trying to imagine just how much hair gel Evan used in the morning. It had to be quite a lot, he reckoned, from its permanent shine in.

"Are you even listening to me?"

Evan snapped his fingers in front of Cal's eyes. The sharp noise sobered him up enough to properly look at Evan. His friend was looking intensely at him, the blue of his eyes imploring as they struggled to maintain Cal's hazy interest.

"Yes—yeah," he said in reply, coughing lightly.

Evan released a huff of air and resumed eating. He looked like he wanted to keep staring at Carmen and Parkinson, but was restraining himself for some reason. Cal flickered his eyes to where the two were standing by the entrance, looking to be scanning the room for him and Evan.

"Do you want me to call them over?" Offered Cal. He thought Evan looked like he would rather eat a lemon than talk to Carmen.

Evan nodded, but it looked like it took him a lot of effort.

Cal didn't linger on the silence. He sometimes got into moods that nothing could bring him back from. Not until felt like he was ready to, at least. It had always been like that. Where Carmen and Cal were direct in the ways they felt, Evan had always taken a more passive-aggressive approach. It was like he wanted the people around him to know what he was feeling, but was too annoyed to properly convey what it was that he felt. Cal worried that one day Evan would pull away from them completely, so caught up in his own anger that he wouldn't be able to see that he and Carmen were willing to help.

Cal waved at Carmen, and he kept waving until she noticed him a few moments later, her eyes lighting up with recognition. She perked up, hair hair bouncing around her pretty face, and wrapped her hand into the crease of Parkinson's elbow, dragging him as she made her way over to where he and Evan were seated. A few people stared as they made the trek across the Great hall, presumably because Parkinson had never been seen with a girl before, let alone a girl like Carmen who could be likened to a forest fire, or maybe even a supernova. It would made for quite the story; Cal was sure the rumour mill would be churning with that piece of gossip for a while.

"Hello, boys," Carmen offered as a greeting and sat on Evan's right. Parkinson followed her example, sitting himself on the seat next to her. Evan didn't say anything, instead shovelling warm porridge into his mouth.

Cal, wanting to avoid a potentially awkward silence, offered his own pleasantries. When a person spent five years surrounded by vicious classmates, they learned a thing or two about keeping the peace.

"Hey, Carmen." There was a pause where all three of them stared at him. "...Parkinson. What's up?"

"Nothing much," said Carmen. "But I have been meaning to tell you both something for a while now. I'm sure that you can probably guess at what I'm about to say, however, I want it to be official." She stopped her a second, and knowing her, it was probably to make it more dramatic. "Adonis and I are dating!"

"Wow. Who would have guessed, Carey," quipped Evan, his tone dry.

"Well, I am," said Cal matter-of-factly. "When did you even have time to..."

Cal thought back to all the times when he couldn't find Carmen to ask her about homework or if she wanted to go to Hogsmeade, not being able to, and seeing her return to the common room, or the Great Hall, or class, looking like she had been snogging someone...

It clicked.

"You've been shagging him behind our backs this whole time, haven't you, you slag!" Shouted Cal, leaning over his breakfast to slap her arm.

She cackled loudly in her seat, her mouth wide open and gaping like a great, black abyss. She carried on for a minute, slapping the table and leaning back into Parkinson, who looked like he both wanted to leave and join in. Everyone around them was staring, their eyes judging as they whispered. Cal noticed that Evan was glaring at them all, and eventually, they turned back to their conversations like Carmen wasn't having a seizure right in front of them.

"You know it, whore."

She had a smirk plastered on her face and she looked more proud than anyone should be. Though Cal had to give it to her; he had no clue that last year she was hooking up with Parkinson. He didn't even know how she found the time, what with their O.W.L.S. going on. She must have had either sick time management skills, or she just gave up with their O.W.L.S. entirely, because he remembered not seeing her quite a few times when he thought she was studying.

He also wanted to be mad, but if he did, then he would need to tell her about Reg, and that was most definitely not happening.

"How long?" He said.

She pretended to think about it for a moment. "Why don't you ask Adonis?"

They both turned they eyes to him, imploring him to tell them everything.

"Six months or so," he said indulgently. "But we haven't really been keeping track. If you know what I mean."

A sound of disgust left Cal's lips. "You guys are so gross." Why did he even ask?

Just then, Professor Slughorn shuffled towards them, his gooseberry eyes crinkled as he smiled. He was holding a small pile of parchment in the folds of his muted green robes, and as he passed one around to each of them, Cal noticed it was their timetable.

He hoped that he got into everything he put down. He knew he did well last year—he received three Oustandings in his O.W.L. results—but the fear of his Dad being pissed at him if he didn't made him swallow thickly. He expected a lot from Cal. He wanted him to be an Auror or a Healer, if not working directly within the Ministry. His Dad's 'legacy' was riding on his shoulders, as the sole wizard in the family. And Merlin forbid he be anything less than perfect.

"Mr. Axton!" Said Slughorn, his smile glib. "How lovely it is to see you again after such a lengthy holiday."

"It's lovely to see you again as well, Professor. We were just talking about how much we missed being back at Hogwarts. It feels like being home again." Cal could see Carmen muffling her laughter into Parkinson's shoulder, while Evan hid his smirk with a strategic positioning of his hand.

"I'm glad to hear it. And I'm also glad to see that you will be in my potions classroom this year."

"Yes, and I can't wait to see what you have in store for us."

Slughorn laughed loudly, spooking a few of the other Slytherin students. Carmen was losing it.

"You'll just have to wait and see, my boy. Now, I really must be getting these timetables handed out, but tell your father that he still hasn't replied to my letter," he said. "I want his opinion on a particular matter."

"Of course, professor. See you in class!" Cal made sure his voice sounded as enthusiastic as possible. Slughorn always appreciated an excited student.

"You as well, Mr. Axton!"

He left, and not a second later Carmen burst out into an uproar of laughter, her face split open from the force of it. Cal made sure that Slughorn wasn't looking, afraid that he would be alerted by Carmen's obnoxious cackles, but he was too busy chatting up another student in the Slug Club. He levelled her with a glare.

"What the hell, Carmen!"

"What?" She asked, still laughing. "You always look constipated when you talk to him."

"That's the point. He can't know I'm actually a hooligan who would rather be flying circles around the Quidditch Pitch than studying."

"Sure, sure. You just don't want your Dad to fid out that you secretly hate Sluggy."

Cal scoffed. "I'm done with this conversation." He turned to Evan. "Are you coming? Potions is on the other side of the castle and I don't want to walk alone."

Evan nodded and they got up, abandoning their breakfasts and exiting the Great hall. On his way he subtly gave Carmen the bird, and she mouthed "fuck face", her eyebrows wiggling. The two boys left the Great Hall laughing.

     Cal's focused on the parchment, his eyes tracing the various letters and numbers, trying to comprehend just what they were saying. But, to his utter frustration, he could divine nothing from the inky scribbles. It wasn't as if he was bad at Arithmancy! He received an Exceeds Expectations in the subject last year. It wasn't an easily won mark, but he got it. So he didn't know why he was already failing to understand anything the professor was saying.

     This year is going to be horrible, he thought miserably, wanting to cry.

At the end of the lesson everyone began to collect their things and leave for lunch. As Cal began to put his things away, Professor Griffiths asked him to stay behind. He, quite literally, wanted to crawl into a ball and die. Was he already being kicked out of the subject?

"No, Mr. Axton, I'm not going to relieve you of Arthimancy," she said, her dark eyes boring into his. Did he say that out loud? "Not yet, at least. I noticed that you looked troubled as you read over the work I've assigned to the class. While I admit that what I gave out was quite difficult for early sixth years, I thought that you would understand it. You did exceptionally well last year. So why are you already struggling?" She asked.

All Cal could do was shake his head.

"If you don't tell me, who will?" She paused and stood up from her desk. Her magenta robes swished as she walked over and stopped a few metres in front of him. Her face was oddly soft—much different from the usual stern looks she gave them all. "I don't usually offer this so early into the term. However, seeing as you are one of my best students, and I don't want to see you fail this subject, I'm willing to discuss possible arrangements between you and one of my seventh year students. You might know of him, actually, as he and his friends are quite popular. His name is Remus Lupin."

Cal's eyes widened.

Was she offering to have Remus tutor him? Did she just give him the perfect ticket to weasel himself into Remus' life and marry him? He could almost pass out. This was the best thing that had ever happened to him. It even beat that one time his parents surprised him with a trip to southern France for his birthday. He could kiss Professor Griffiths!

Though from the way she was looking at him, like he was a mental patient that had escaped from the psyche ward, he doubted that would have been possible.

"Um, yeah, I kn—I know of him."

"Good. I'll arrange a meeting between the both of you at your earliest convenience," she said. Then, after a beat: "You may leave, Mr. Axton."

"Oh, right. Have an amazing day, Professor. You're the best!"

He didn't even realise what had left his mouth— too ecstatic about Remus tutoring him to notice—as he ran down the corridor, the urge to shout his glee out into the world almost overpowering. He wanted to hear his happiness bounce off the walls; the ability to was right there in his grasp, but instead, he collapsed against a wall.

His life was literally the best.

     "Why are you smiling so much?" Asked Carmen.

They were walking around the grounds, both tired from their first day of classes and not willing to talk to other people. They would have invited Evan to come along, but he said that he was busy. So they left him to it and headed out on their own. Cal thought it was good, because he had barely gotten a moment alone with her since the train ride the day before and despite all of her flaws—of which there were many—he missed Carmen. And he was afraid that she would abandon him for Parkinson. It almost distracted him enough to forget Griffith's words.

     Discuss possible arrangements between you and one of my seventh year students.

Cal pushed a stray curl out of his face.

"No reason," he lied.

Carmen narrowed her eyes, clearly unwilling to believe him. Cal didn't blame her. He never smiled as much as he had been those last few hours. It was a rarity to see him happy for that long.

"Why don't I believe you?"

"I don't know!" He laughed. "Maybe you're just being paranoid."

She smacked the back of his head and Cal let out a tiny ouch! He gaped at her, unable to believe she had just done that. Carmen simply kicked away a rock that had been lying in a patch of dirt, the small object rolling down the hill they were walking on.

"What did you do that for?!"

"I don't appreciate being lied to. That, and as payback for this morning."

Cal shrugged. "Fair enough. So how's Parkinson been?"

"You can call him Adonis, you know. He told me it was alright, since we're dating and you're my best friend and all," she said, and for a moment, out of nowhere, he wanted to tell her that he liked Remus.

So he did.

"I like Remus Lupin."

A pause.

A pause so long that Cal feared she had lost her ability to speak. He thought he wouldn't mind that happening.

"Okay."

Then he lost his ability to speak.

There was another long pause, only this time it was filled with Cal's coughs and wheezes. Carmen looked at him the entire time, her head titled in a Do I look like I'm supposed to care kind of way. When his fit stopped he decided to risk talking.

"What do you mean 'okay'?"

"I mean okay. Do you want me to be angry?"

They had stopped walking.

"...No. But why aren't you?"

She levelled him with a stare so potent it seemed as if she was looking right through him and into his brain. Like she knew exactly what he was thinking. Cal fought down the urge to cover his mop of curls from her sight.

"You're kinda obvious."

Considering Griffiths had guessed what he was thinking earlier, maybe Carmen's words had some truth to them.

"Oh," he said lamely. "Do you think Evan knows too?"

"No. He probably would have tried to kill Lupin already."

"Why?"

     Carmen looked like she had said something she didn't mean to. It scrunched up her face, making her nose look like a wrinkly ballsack. Cal would have laughed, but he might have choked on the awkwardness instead.

"I can't say," she said.

"Why?" He said.

"Could you stop saying that?"

"Sorry. Um—do you think he likes me back?" He clarified. "Remus, I mean."

"Yeah, I know," she said, sardonic as ever.  "I really can't say. I don't pay much attention to him, usually. But if I were to take a guess, then no."

"What?!"

A smirk appeared on her lips at his screeching.

"You're so easy to trick. I'm surprised you take as many N.E.W.T.'s as you do."

"It's my dad."

"Right."

They shared a bitter smile.

It was a while before one of them spoke again, both too caught up in their thoughts to even attempt a conversation. Cal thought about Remus, his classes, Carmen's classes, Evan's sudden silence. Everything was already so complicated and they had barely started the term. It was literally day one.

They ended up near the Owlery, and the squawks of the birds greeted the pair as they walked.

"I can't say anything about Remus, but I can tell you that if he knew you, he would like you back."

Cal pressed a hand to his chest. "Aww, that's so sweet. Are you sure you're Carmen and not her evil twin?"

"Shut up, you twat. I was trying to be nice. I guess I'm just going to have to revert back to regular, mean old Carmen."

"No, please don't," he pled, trying not to smile but failing miserably. "I don't want to get smacked by her."

"I take back everything I said about him liking you if he knew you. He'd probably move to America to try to get away from you."

"This is hurting me, stop."

Carmen took a deep breath, her chest filling with air before exhaling. Cal watched her as she watched the owls. There, alone, without the chatter of the Great hall to liven her up or the fireplace in the common room to warm her skin, she looked like a ghost. It was like everything about her was muted. If Cal were to place his hand on her shoulder, would he feel flesh or his hand touch air?

"I'm going to help you."

When he asked what she meant, she turned to him.

"I'm going to help you date him. You're hopeless at romance—remember your first girlfriend? She broke up with you after three weeks because you forgot she existed."

He tried not to remember that one.

"Yeah, not one of my proudest moments."

"Exactly! And we don't want you fucking this up. So, you're going to listen to my advice—because clearly I'm the romance expert here—and get your boy."

Cal jumped up and hugged her, rocking them both side-to-side as he expressed his glee. He was hesitant to touch her, afraid that his theory about her being a ghost was true, but it turned out that when his hands rested on her shoulder, it wasn't nothingness he found, but his best friend.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Carmen, eventually, pealed him off of her.

"Alright, calm down. Now is there anything I should know before we begin?"

"Well, Professor Griffiths said she would ask Remus if he was willing to tutor me in Arithmancy. That's something."

"You would be correct, Cal. Who knew you had a brain in there?"

She knocked lightly on his head. Cal shot her a glare, but it was half-hearted at best.

"Shut up."

~

i sweat they haven't had a real moment together since this whole thing started, lol. it wasn't planned like that im srry but i promise with all of my heart that you'll see more of them.

anyway, i hope u enjoyed! srry that we don't get any remus and cal action, but its deffo there next chapter