Note: Another one-shot valentines gift from me. If you don't feel reading the "Special Chapter", at least proceed to the end of this chapter to be clarified why I had to do this again. Thank you.

TO: You---and Me. For the both of us.

---------

After 4 years.

"Love, anong gusto mong design ng magiging bahay natin in the future?"

"Pa'nong design? Yung style ba?"

"Yeah yeah, sorry. Inaantok na kasi ako."

He stopped stroking my hair for a while and started thinking about my question. Andito kami ngayon sa veranda ng small apartment niya, lying down on a small couch na kasya kaming dalawa. Dito lang kami tumatambay palagi kapag wala siyang masyadong ginagawa sa work, and kapag gusto ko mag-review from school. And because it's our summer vacation, we're here, spending time before reality comes back. I'll be graduating this coming school year from law school and I'm willing to spend my whole time with him until I pass the BAR and be a lawyer myself. That's what I want for my future.

"Gusto ko yung simple lang. Homely. Yung malayang makakatakbo yung mga magiging anak natin," He started stroking my hair again as I was lying between his arms.

I smiled, so speechless of what he just said. "Hmm..."

I yawned and tried to fight my sleepiness. "Ako rin.. and I'd also love an area where we can see the night sky itself clearly. Para rin makita natin yan," I pointed at the moon while fighting the urge to fall asleep immediately.

Hindi siya nagsalita. Pakiramdam ko, inaantok na rin siya, kaya hinayaan nalang namin lumipas ang oras na magkatabi. Hanggang sa lumipas ang mga minuto na hinihilot niya lang ang ulo ko. And I didn't even noticed that my eyes were starting to close automatically. But before I fell into a deep slumber, I heard him said, "I love you."

-------

"'By, ang hirap naman nito," I ranted, as usual.

He took my codal and scanned it like he knows everything written there. "Mahirap talaga, eh diba gusto mo namang nahihirapan?" He said jokingly as he sat beside me.

"You're seriously not helping. Nakakainis," I hissed and rolled my eyes as I turn my back at him. Parang gago lang, siya kaya mag aral ng law? Baka 'di niya pa nakakalahati 1st year, sumuko na siya agad.

Kinuha niya ang codal ko at sinara na lalong kinakunot ng noo ko. "Know what 'by? Let's sleep. Kahapon ka pa ata nagtatawag ng santo para lang pumasok sa utak mo yang mga binabasa mo. 'Wag mo nang ipilit kung hindi mo na kaya ngayon, baka lalo kang mabaliw."

I sighed and accepted my defeat. On our usual days like this, palaging ako ang talo, because it's true, I'm tired. Everyday I sleep just for me to have an energy to read and review again. Normally, I would react lightly, but BAR is months from now. I can't just mess around anymore. And Matt's probably not seeing why I need to do these things.

In the end, I just smiled as he pulls me close to him. "Go sleep now, baby. Tomorrow's another day."

"Review day," I corrected him.

"Edi wow," He said and we both giggled. I'm glad I still have him. Siya ang pahinga ko sa araw araw na pagod. He's the light on my darkest days. I can never imagine a life without him. I would cry, for sure.

--------

Here am I, crying over this damned thing God knows what. Kahapon pa ako walang naiiintindihan sa mga binabasa ko. It's probably getting worse these days. I can't continue being like this because I would surely fail. Hindi ko kakayanin yon, nagsayang ako ng taon para lang sa wala. I hate wasting time.

I need to have that Atty. beside my name. I need to be a lawyer.

I sighed, not really sure of what to do next. Kinapa ko ang phone ko at tinignan ang oras. It's almost 11PM. Sigurado tulog na mga tao sa bahay.

But I couldn't help it. I just really needed someone to talk to. Kahit ngayon lang, gusto kong maging mahina. Pagod na pagod na ako.

Tears came rolling down my face as soon as I heard Mama's voice. The voice I miss the most. This is home. I miss home.

"Hello, anak?"

"Anak? Pia?"

Hinayaan ko siyang magsalita. Alam kong alam niyang may problema. Superwoman 'to eh. Kahit hindi ko sabihin, I bet she already knows the problem.

"I love you anak ko, pinagppray kita ha? Miss na miss ka namin ng Papa mo." And on that moment, hindi ko na napigilan. I spoke the words that was long waiting to be spoken.

"Pagod na ako Mama, but you keep me going. I miss you all there so much. I love you." I said as I was crying loudly as if I was back to being a child again. Wala na akong pake, God knows how much I miss home. Hindi na kasi ako nakakauwi dahil sa sobrang busy, and ang layo pa ng school ko from our house. That's a hundred times hassle if I go home everyday.

Natapos ang gabi na puro lang kami iyakan ni Mama, knowing that tomorrow is another day to complete. Onting tiis nalang, Pia. Everything will be in the exact same place again.

-------

*Phone ringing*

"Hello?"

"By? Let's go out?"

"I can't, mahal eh. I have a lot of things to do kahit weekend. Mas kailangan ko ng malalaang review kasi may recit kami tomorrow."

"Ahh, puntahan nalang kita diyan? I'll bring you dinner?"

"Wag na rin, baka naaabala pa kita. And besides, may food na ako for later. Bumili nako in case hindi na ako makalabas."

He went silent for a few seconds and let out a long, deep sigh.

"Do we have a problem?"

I stared at the ceiling not really sure of what I should say. Wala naman talaga akong recit tomorrow but I'd still review for sure. Walang araw na hindi ako nagbasa.

Gusto ko lang talagang... magpahinga. Ewan ko, gusto kong magpakaselfish ngayon. Masama man pero I feel like my world's getting smaller and smaller as time goes by.

Napapaisip tuloy ako. Do I really want this? Or am I just so tired of an everyday?

In the end, I too, let out a deep sigh and answered him. "Nothing. I just want to... rest."

"Okay, see you when I see you?"

"See you."

"I love you."

"Love you."

And then the call ended. Tangina, gusto kong umiyak. Ayoko nitong nararamdaman ko. I can't be like this at times like these. Hindi pwede.

I just hope I can skip everything that has happening now. I think I deserve a long rest.

Kinabukasan, dumiretso kaagad akong school na inaantok pa. Everyone has this rational, tired look on their faces but doesn't ever fail to greet me back with a small nod. Nakakawala lang ng pagod somehow yung thought na pare parehas lang din kayong pagod and has the same goal. At least, I don't feel so alone.

Just before I enter inside the room, someone called me out that made me look the other way. Si Bea, a random schoolmate I met back then when I was still on my first year in law school.

"Sophia!"

I gave her a small nod and faced her fully. Nakita kong nagdadalawang isip pa siya kung sasabihin niya sa'kin o hindi.

"Uhm kasi... diba, may boyfriend ka? Yung Matt ba yon?"

Nag isip pa ako ng ilang segundo bago muling sumagot sa kanya. "Yeah, what about him?"

Inisip ko kung saan niya nakilala si Matt, then naalala ko na palagi pala akong hinahatid sundo nun dito and minsan, nasasama ko pa sa house parties, noon. Kaya hindi malabong hindi niya makilala ito.

"I saw him yesterday."

Napatitig ako sa kanya.

"... drunk, with a girl."

I examined her if she was just pranking me. Pero hindi. The look on her face was a lowkey worried look. Sa aming mga law students, saan ka pa makakahugot ng time mang prank? We're all busy people with busy lives. Tanga nalang gagawa non.

"Are you sure na siya yon? Baka namalikmata ka lang," I tried to let out a giggle but it turned out fake.

"No, he was wearing a particular shirt nung last time ko siyang nakita with you. And I made sure," Sagot niya tuluyang nagpakaba sa'kin.

"He's with a what? A girl? Baka friend lang namin?" I replied, uneasiness settling over my whole body.

"Friend niyo? Na nakapatong sa lap niya while laughing? I don't think so."

Tuluyan na akong nawalan ng gana. "Sorry Bea ha, but if you're just trying to ruin us, wala kang mapapala. I trust and know him more than you, kaya hindi ako maniniwala sa'yo," I said being final with my words.

Pero bago man ako mag walk out, may nakalikot na siya sa phone niya and ipinakita sa'kin ang litrato na nagpawasak sa'kin. What the fuck is this, Matt?

I stared at it for a good minute. Totoo nga, and it doesn't look edited. But how could he--? Fuck ang gulo!

Tumingin muna ako sa kanya finally, before I walked out. Walang pumapasok sa isip ko ngayon at gusto ko lang munang lagpasan yung araw na 'to. Sa sobrang dami kong iniisip wala na akong oras para isipin pa yan.

But I couldn't help it. Nanlulumo ako ng sobra ngayon habang nakasalampak sa lamesa dito sa condo ko dahil sobrang sama ng recit ko kanina. Tangina, ito yung kinakatakot ko eh.

I was in the middle of staring at nowhere when someone got inside my condo. Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya habang nakatitig lang din siya sa'kin. Kumunot ang noo ko, parang gusto kong umiyak.

He smiled at me, and there I noticed the tired look in his eyes. Para bang, fear was evident. Na kahit wala siyang sabihing explanation, alam ko na yung gusto niyang sabihin.

Lumapit siya sa'kin at nilapag sa lamesa ang mga pagkaing dala niya. Umupo siya habang nakasalampak parin akong nakatitig sa kanya. "I tried to reach you out the past few days, hindi ka sumasagot. Ngayon lang din ako nagkaron ng time makabisita," he said, as I feel his uneasiness while speaking.

"Hmm.." I mumbled and get back to what I was doing in my laptop. "Kamusta?" I asked, pretending to feel okay about everything.

"Okay lang.." He said as he pushes some of the foods he bought to my side. "Kain. You look pale, baby." Tinignan ko ito at ibinalik ang atensyon sa ginagawa ko. "Sige lang," I said.

Naramdaman kong ilang minuto siyang nakatitig sa'kin habang nagbabasa ako sa laptop ko, kaya tinignan ko siya. And there I saw him staring at me with teary eyes. Napatigil ako sa ginagawa ko habang naiiyak na rin.

"I miss you, I'm sorry.." He spoke lightly as tears rolled down his cheeks. That was the moment I confirmed what he was trying to say.

Kinuha ko ang kamay niya at hinawakan na para bang ayoko na 'tong bitawan. "Alam ko, and I forgive you.." Tumulo na rin ang luha ko.

"What do you mean you know? May nagsabi sa'yo?"

"It doesn't matter, okay? Pinapatawad na kita, because I love you." I said silently as I was staring at his hand.

"Hindi ko mapapatawad sarili ko, but thank you for forgiving me.." Tumayo siya at lumipat sa tabi ko. He kissed my forehead and said, "Mahal na mahal kita."

Days passed by in a blink of an eye, malapit na ang BAR and I was getting close to succeeding, pero parang may mali parin? Bumawi kami ni Matt sa lahat ng nangyari, he explained to me what made him do it. Though I really didn't need the explanation, alam ko yung rason kung bakit niya nagawa yon, and I think.. it was my fault na he got tired. Kaya ko siya pinatawad agad. I saw this coming, and wala akong time para palakihin pa yung gulo sa'ming dalawa.

But then, as I was busy chasing my dreams, I didn't know that I was already failing to notice what really was the problem between us.

Hanggang sa dumating yung araw na parehas naming matagal iniwasan. Our supposedly 10th anniversary as an official couple, turned out to be bittersweet, the kind of moment you'll leave with no lingering regrets. Basta tanggap ng isa, na hanggang dun nalang talaga.

"Open your eyes, baby."

Delicious looking foods were on the table, the elegant overall ambience of the place and the floating love we have for each other, has just made everything complete for our anniversary. Ang ganda ganda na sana, kung wala lang problema.

Nakaupo kami ngayon sa balcony, in my condo, kung saan niya sinet up lahat. Actually we already planned what we'd like for our day on our 10th anniversary, and I'm glad we've achieved everything we planned years ago, nung mga bata pa kami.

"Naaalala mo nung 14 ka palang, tas 18 palang ako, sabi ko sa'yo non, gusto ko sa beach tayo magddate palagi, pero siningit mo yung sa magiging anniversary natin kapag 10 years na, edi pumayag na rin ako. Gusto mo simple lang eh." He said with glistening eyes.

I smiled sadly, I remember that. The youthful, foolish version of us, yung andami daming pangarap. Ang saya lang balikan nun, yung ang problema lang namin is kung pano kami magkikita pagdating ng panahon. Well, it was now a beautiful memory. A memory filled with smiles and hope, and I'd love to reminisce every memory I had with him when time comes.

"Matt.. let's break up."

Napatigil siya sa paghihiwa ng kanyang pagkain at nagtaas ng tingin sa'kin. Napansin ko ring nawala ang ngiti niya. Parang... parang hindi ko na kayang ituloy yung sasabihin ko. It hurts me just by the way he's painfully looking at me.

He giggled nervously. "'By, ano ba?  Wag ka munang magbiro, kumakain pa tayo," He said silently hoping that I was just joking.

I sighed deeply and looked at him with rolling tears on my cheeks. "Matt, tigil na, ayoko na.."

Dabog niyang binaba yung kutsilyo at tinidor at malalim rin na huminga, "Tangina?" mahina niyang mura habang nakatingin sa kawalan.

"Tangina.. ano nanamang ginawa ko?" Bulong niya ulit habang umiiyak na ng tahimik.

Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at tumingin ng diretso sa kanya. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? I know I'm being rude na ngayon pa sa araw na matagal nating hinintay, pero this will bring us good. Just please--"

"Putangina! Anong this will bring us good?! Ano ba? Nag iisip ka ba?" Napatayo na siya sa kanyang upuan at sumandal sa terrace habang sunod sunod na humihinga ng malalim.

"Matthew pwede bang pakinggan mo muna ako, okay?" Sabi ko ng mahinahon at sumunod sa kanya. "Hindi na kasi.. hindi ko na nakikita yung future ko na kasama ka..." Pumasok siya sa loob habang nakasunod ako. "Matt intindihin mo muna ako please.." Humahagulgol na ako sa kakaiyak. "Matt.."

"Lumiliit na yung mundo ko kapag kasama kita, Matt.." Sunod sunod na rin ang tulo ng luha niya habang masakit na nakatitig lang sa'kin. "Na na-realize ko na andami dami ko pang pwedeng magawa ng ako lang, Matt.. I'm sorry... k-kung gusto ko munang unahin yung sarili ko.." Pagpapaliwanag ko habang humahagulgol.

Umiling siya ng sabay sabay. "Hindi... hindi eh. Ang labo.." Napaupo siya sa sofa ko at inis na sinapo ang buong mukha. "Eto lang yung naiiisip mong solusyon diyan, Pia? Ang mahiwalay sa'kin?" Tanong niya.

"Sa tingin mo ba ginusto ko rin na mangyari 'to?" Pinahid ko ang mga luha ko na hindi na matigil sa kakaiyak. "Matt may rason ako, may ra---"

"Tangina kung ano man yun pwede bang sabihin mo nalang ng diretso?! Mababaliw na ako kakaisip!" Sigaw niya na ikinagulat ko.

Huminga muna ako ng malalim bago magsalitang muli, "Alam ko lahat, Matthew. Alam ko kung pano mo binalewala yung offer sa'yo na mag aral ulit sa U. S. Alam ko lahat yun.. sinabi sa'kin ni tita, dahil daw ayaw mong mahiwalay sa'kin."

"Naisip ko Matt na hindi na ako yung kailangan mong habulin Matt.. hindi lang ito para sa'kin, kung hindi para sa sarili mo rin."

"Na yung lalaking minahal ko noon na pursigidong habulin yung mga pangarap niya, eh nawawala na.

"Matt.. I don't like who you're becoming... and I will never accept the fact na ako yung magiging rason sa pagtigil mong habulin yung mga pangarap mo."

"Ako yung nasasaktan ng sobra, eh.. kaya please.. ayoko na.. tama na.. mahal kita, sobra.. kung alam mo lang.. pero hindi na tayo yung para sa isa't isa." Hagulgol kong sabi.

Muli siyang tumayo ng umiiling habang tumutulo parin ang mga luha. "Ginawa ko lang naman yun dahil mahal kita, na kaya kong isakripisyo lahat para sa'yo," malungkot niyang sabi.

"Pero kung ganito lang gusto mo.. hindi na kita mapipigilan."

Umalis siya ng condo ko ng walang paalam at kinuha ang kanyang mga gamit.

Napaupo ako sa sofa habang nakatitig sa labas, kung saan kami masayang nakaupo lang kanina. I didn't know it would hurt that much. Para akong mamamatay sa sakit. He's the only man I'll ever love and I've ever love that way, that's why I'm sure it would be hard for me to let go of him in an instant. Sana nga dumating yung araw na parehas kaming malinawan, and there would be nothing left kung hindi, masasayang ala ala nalang.

------

Weeks, months rather has passed. Still, I have no news about him. Kahit yung mga tropa niya, sila Jaye na palaging alam kung asan siya, eh hindi na rin siya macontact o nakikita. And I was surprisingly okay. I admit, I still cry for him at times, but not everytime.

Then my graduation came where I expected him to come, but still, no him. Ang nakasama ko lang is yung friends ko and family. Tinanong pa nila ako kung nasan raw si Matt, I just gave them a small smile hanggang sa hindi na nila maungkat pa. And as another day passes, unti unti nalang nawawala yung grief and longing. Nasasanay na ako. And maybe I was slowly turning into a rational version of myself. Masaya nalang dahil malapit ko nang matulad yung mga pangarap ko.

BAR came by quickly. Ayoko sanang magfeeling pero pakiramdam ko na nagawa ko naman ng maayos. There was answers na hindi ko sure, pero sayang yung 10 years kong paghihirap para lang mawalan pa ng confidence ngayon. I just wish I'd pass, para matawag na akong Atty. Ocampo.

Ma. Sophia L. Ocampo

I feel like crying, like crying real hard. Eto na, andito na ako. I am a fucking lawyer now!

As soon as I saw my name on the BAR passers list, I couldn't help but to hug Mama. Umiiyak na ako at umiiyak na rin siya. We were stupidly smiling and crying at each other.

"Ma, this is it! I made it.." I hugged her tightly again and in the midst of the noise and overwhelming feeling, my heart skipped a beat. I saw him. Sobrang daming tao, sobrang laking distansya sa pagitan namin, pero nakatitig lang kami sa isa't isa.

Kinausap ako ni Mama and I know I have to break the contact. I proceeded expressing how I feel, shaking hands and congratulating every one I know who's been part of my life within my 4 years in law school.

Pagkatapos ng iyakan at batian sa ilang kaibigan, hinanap ko si Mama sa gitna ng mga tao na paalis na sa lugar. I excused myself from the crowd and made my way through. Pero bigla akong napatigil nang isang pamilyar na mukha ang muli kong nakita sa gitna ng mga tao. And this time, he's closer.

Ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Familiar. From the past. There were many instances for the last months I imagined how our first meeting should be and what I should say. Madami sana akong gustong sabihin at itanong.

Some words were even full of longing, pero habang lumilipas ang mga araw, linggo at buwan, unti unting nabubura ang mga salitang yon sa isipan ko.

And that was why I was silent standing in front of him. Because there was nothing more left. Not hatred. Not love.

Matthew was someone familiar. Just familiar. And that truth.... was freeing.

Lumapit siya sa'kin. He's the same black hair, nakakaasar na ngiti na palagi niyang gamit. But gone was the tired look in his eyes. We're both serious, sincere eyes at each other while smiling.

He took my wrist and may nilagay doon. I let him. It was a silver moon bracelet, sparkling but simple. "Congratulations, Atty. Ocampo."

"Pwede ka bang makausap sandali?" He asked me.

I nodded. Pumunta kami sa malapit na lugar kung saan makikita ang ilang puno at onti ang tao. My long dress was being blown by the wind from the open area.

"How have you been, Matt?"

There was a smile on his lips when he heard the words. There was no doubt that he's still playfully handsome. But this face, this man in front of me, is not for me anymore.

"I was okay. Siguro. Nung umalis ako, si Lance lang yung nakakaalam kung nasaan ako. I went to U. S and continued studying. Tapos, bumalik lang ako saglit para batiin ka, at makapagsorry sa'yo."

That was why there was something different in him. He was now more free. Like he was breathing good air. Natatandaan ko nung nag-aaral ako at nagtatrabaho siya sa maliit na kumpanya, palagi siyang pagod.

"Kamusta si Tita?"

He placed his hands inside his jeans pockets. "Iniwan ko na muna dun, masaya siya eh. Relax lang. Congrats din daw. She already knew you could make it."

Hindi ko maalis ang ngiti sa labi ko habang nakatitig lang sa kanya.

"Kamusta ka, Pia?"

I showed him myself confidently and stood properly. "I'm officially a lawyer and has been offered to work in a few firms."

He stared at me with fondness. "I'm proud of you."

We stared at each other for what seems like forever. At sa mga segundong yon bumalik sakin ang mga alaala na nakasama ko siya. All the mess and hardships we've survived.

Doon ko napagtanto na wala kaming alaala na masaya o parehong nakangiti at tumatawa simula nung nag law school ako. There were no carefree days for us when reality hit us hard. There were no days where we were simple together, unscarred, in loved.

Siguro nga ay pareho kaming naging biktima ng kapalaran. Ng maling sitwasyon. Akala ko noon wala na akong uubusin pang pagmamahal sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sa kanya. Pero mga bata palang talaga kami non, hindi alam kung anong mangyayari kinabukasan.

That's why I've decided to let go of him. No matter how great our love story was. Because it was the only way for me to rebuild myself for the more rational, mature me. It was the only way I could pick up my shattered pieces.

And maybe both of us needed it. To get away from things that tired us no matter how blissful our feelings could be.

And freedom, though lonely at first, is something that could teach us to stand in our own. Like what it did to me. Like what it did to Matthew.

And here we are now, standing in front of each other. Youthful eyes were now replaced by rational, more unapologetic gazes.

"You will always be my moon, Pia."

"You will always be my moon, Matt."

Though the words were as familiar as what we once had, we both know that the feelings pouring out of it were different now. Because we are not trapped anymore by fate, by circumstances. We are now free to be who we are.

"I have to go now, Matt."

I was the first to break the stare. I took a step back as the sign of stepping away.

"Ingat ka."

"Ikaw din."

Tuluyan akong lumayo at tumalikod. But it was not a painful walking away. It was the opposite of it. It was happy, hopeful and freeing.

"See you again... someday."

Muli akong lumingon sa kanya dahil sa kanyang sinabi. At sa huling pagkakataon bago kami maghiwalay, ngumiti ako.

"Someday."

And maybe that someday was nothing but hopeful words. Maybe it could happen or maybe we won't see each other again after today.

Pero alam ko... alam niya rin.. we may not end up together, we may have parted ways, but we will always be a part of each other.

Maybe life will give us a chance to meet again someday. In a different circumstances, in a new place, to a better us.

And I, Sophia, once fell in love with a guy so great like him and though we didn't end up together like the promises and dreams we had made, we knew our love for each other would always be a part who we are. And that's one thing I would never regret. To be a part of Matthew once.

END.

SUPER LONG IMPORTANT NOTE: Hello again, people. Now that everything and everyone has been chilling for a while after months and months of revelations, might as well put something related to the situation... and I think I owe you an explanation about what's the fucking real deal behind all of these. So here it goes...

Matt wasn't real and will never be. He was made by an ordinary roleplayer which is Ali and we all know how the world works there. No out of character feelings involved. Patalinuhan don. Dapat marunong kang makipaglaro.

My world came shattering when Ali told me that Matt, the first man I've ever fallen in love with deeply, wasn't real, like, clearly just not existing. I don't know if it's just my stupidity or I really loved him badly that I didn't even notice the lie. Ali said everything she said was real and her feelings as well, but at those times I couldn't even comprehend what she was trying to say because of so much pain, anger and loneliness. I chose not to, because my instant solution was to just sweep it off the rug. Because I just really loved being with the person as if it's my own place, own home. I don't know if I just really had no idea on how to cope with it or I was just escaping the harsh reality, but I knew for sure, I fell in love, so damn hard. Akala ko siguro kaya ko, pero niloko ko lang yung sarili ko. Because after that happened, I still continued talking to Ali even though I know my time with her won't be long and my feelings for Matt would come to the surface again. And again. And again. Even though I tried to be with her, I just can't see her the way I see Matt. Hindi ko namalayan na yung pagiging bulag ko sa katotohanan ay naging resulta ng lalo kong pagkasira, pagkapagod and pagkaubos. And on that moment I knew I can't force things to happen, because it will only stain the friendship more --- because I've been friends with Ali eversince Matt and I started something beautifully. So ironic diba? And fucking heartbreaking.

After a year of countless breakdowns, I realized I was so tired already. Not of the pain, but of everything that came with it and how it destroyed something once so pure and genuine. There came a time when I also had to blame myself for experiencing that. Ganun kalakas yung impact. Kasi ganun din kasaya yung puso ko nung kasama ko siya. And I know for sure that he is the only one for me. Not until it hit me. I realized that, I shouldn't stop there. I can't stop there. I tried to prove myself wrong and came to a point where I truly stopped every connection I had with him that I thought, I already survived everything.

Hindi pa pala, meron pa talagang uubusing onti nalang. I was so sure of it, I was so sure that I'm healing, slowly but surely. So, after months and months of distracting myself from the pain of losing him, I still find myself going back to his love, or if not, reminiscing the good times I've had with him. But not totally doing stupid things like getting back with him or trying to talk to his accounts lol I ain't that stupid. So to shortcut things, I still love him somehow and a little part of me would still continue loving him. Palagi kong sinasabi na yan ang hinding hindi matatanggal sa'kin, yung pagmamahal ko sa kanya, kahit ilang beses kong sabihin na hindi pwede. I just had to accept the truth. I may love someone deeper but my love for him will always be there. And as I slowly heal myself, I realize (katulad nung explanation ko sa story) na I can't make my world revolve with just around him. So tanggap ko na, lahat lahat. That's why I made a special chapter, to leave the things I had with Matt behind. Because we all know that being stucked with the past won't make us better, and that isn't my goal for this year, for my life. I've spent almost 2 years with my life revolving around him. I realized that that was already enough for me to grow and teach me new important things. So, as this chapter ends, I want to tell you guys that I'm choosing myself FINA-FUCKING-LY. Let's choose ourselves and let God do the rest.

And to end this thousand word message: I may not had my happiest ending with Matt, in the end, I still had a better one, for myself and only myself. And I think that is what I truly deserve.

Belated Happy 2020!