So, my friend, you're engaged to Natalie, my one-time fiancée. You've heard rumors about her, and you want me to fill you in on her. The rumors are probably true. Listen, and I will reveal to you what happened between us. It's a long story, so let me buy you another drink, while we listen to some jazz here at Velvet Jazz, one of my clubs. Drink, my ex's prevailing mark. This is the good stuff, like the bottle says. My experience with Natalie should warn you.

It was last year while I was keeping company with Natalie, a hottie who sang, usually in tune, with the Jazz Notes, which band my brother, Lou, was drummer for. To outward appearances, which is all one can see, except maybe one has got an X-ray machine, Natalie was the perfect woman, except for her singing sometimes. Most of the clientele at Velvet, as we called it, one of the clubs I am the proud and well-heeled proprietor of, came for the good likker, good steaks, and the best-looking barmaids in this neighborhood of the Big Apple. Natalie was better looking than the barmaids, which made her singing seem to sound better.

Likker's fine, right? Drink, and have another on the house. Natalie was a great cook, kept the apartment so clean my Ma couldn't find anything to complain about, to Ma's increased annoyance. Natalie was thrifty, but money she liked. She had more ways to line her pocket than a hard-working proprietor like I of three clubs and a likker store could keep track of. She helped herself to bottles of wine from Velvet, adding to ill-gotten gains by padding the grocery bill I paid with the likker. Money in her pocket. Same with food. The staff gave her whatever she wanted, thinking it was for me. Some of it even was. She sold steaks through the mailman who delivered them for a cut of the profits, which profits were 100%. More about another money-making scheme later.

Ma was also unhappy I dated Natalie instead of Lorna, daughter of her friend, Marsha, in 3-D in her building. Marsha had graduated college a few years back, and had a job teaching sixth grade. Not as pretty as Natalie, not as much money, but keep in mind Lorna was handicapped by earning from lawful means. Lorna is as good a cook and housekeeper, and my Ma is her godmother, and Ma had an eye out for a husband for her. Me. Aside from the reality that I was well-hooked by Natalie, I was fifteen years older than Lorna. I thought I was 10 years older than Natalie, but one day a guy who graduated from high school with her, spent an evening at the bar at Velvet, and talked about their good old school days. Note the "old". Turns out Natalie was a year younger than me. She'd held up well. I found out she had an ex-husband, without benefit of alimony.

I stuck with Natalie, because I could afford her, and she was the envy of all the guys who didn't know her past, her real age, or money-chasing hobby. She wants to get married, and I think, Why not? It's time I settled down, home-cooked meals, even if I pay for the groceries at Velvet and again to her housekeeping, and this will get Ma off my back about Lorna. Cute as Lorna is, and real wife material, Natalie is mesmerizing.

So one moonlit evening I make my pitch over one of Natalie's cozy, candlelit dinners, steaks and wine from Velvet, paid two times over by me, and she bats a home run. We start planning a big wedding and bigger reception, and I'm wondering how she'll scam money out of this one. We break the news to Ma, who ain't thrilled, but accepts the inevitable. To make Natalie happy, since she is diamond mad, I even have Grandma's diamond earrings as a wedding present to match the honking big diamond I bought her from Izzy Carrots.

So next, we go to Izzy's store--Best Diamonds, in the District. Natalie complains every step of the way, since she wants a biiiig diamond from one of the famous jewelry stores, which you can find them near Central Park. Honest Izzy Carrots, real name Isadore Karatski, is a diamond broker and jewelry designer and seller on West 47th, who is highly respected for his honest dealings and also for his wares, which include diamonds of the best quality, two reasons we cognoscenti buy from him.

We go up four flights to Izzy's small business, and he greets us warmly, and after a few pleasantries, takes us to his office, where he, at my earlier request, has arranged some diamonds and settings to put them in, which diamonds would thrill most girls. If Natalie wasn't thrilled, I had a signal word, which would indicate to Izzy to bring "special, hard-to-get diamonds".

Natalie wasn't thrilled for a second. In two seconds, Izzy brought out the more expensive diamonds, which didn't thrill Natalie, either. So I asked for the special, reserve stock Izzy rarely shows. He knows I'm good for the money, so he brings out the A-list gems. Natalie's eyes shine brighter than the ice. She's happy. I'm happy. Izzy's people are happy at the bonus they'll get.

She wants three oval diamonds on a gold band, and, believe me, she gets them. The center diamond is more than a carat, nearly perfect color, cut, clarity, almost no flaws, important in a diamond. The two "smaller" diamonds were a carat each. I spend three times as much as I planned, but Natalie seems happy. I convince myself that when what's mine is ours, she'll be satisfied and see she would be robbing herself.

I would have learned to my cost, Natalie is a genius when it comes to lining her pockets, but Honest Izzy is true to his name. So let me explain what happens thereafter.

I mentioned I'd tell you another one of Natalie's games. I'm at the bar of Velvet, asking the bartender why so many complaints about the likker. She informs me the likker has gone bad or something. Doesn't smell like the good stuff, like the label on the bottle says it is and which I pay much money even wholesale. This bartender is a teetotaler, which, believe me, is a good thing in a bartender. I don't smell anything funny about the whiskey, so I take a sip. Something's wrong with it. I call my chef, who knows liquor and ask him what's going on. He sips, and reveals what happened, "This is cheap stuff. Somebody has been putting cheap stuff in the good bottles, and making off with the good whiskey. It happens." He returns to his pots and spoons.

I pull the security tapes, and sure enough, the culprit is Natalie. I should have known, but I was dazzled by her soft lips, luscious body, and home-cooked whiskey and steaks. When she thought no one was looking, forgetting about the security cameras, she'd pour my best whiskey into empty bottles, leaving room in the bottle for the cheap likker. Not the kind I sell, but she bought them from Manny's Markdown Liquor (his preferred spelling) Store, and charged them to housekeeping. I didn't tell anyone, since I am engaged to marry the woman, and she wants to quit work and stay home after we get married, so the whisky should be safe from her sticky fingers. I tell the bartenders to keep the good stuff locked up when they're not at the bar, so I don't get any more complaints, and have to comp the drinks and steaks. Natalie is a cheater of extraordinary ability.

Back to Honest Izzy's call, and the facts he tells me. He says Natalie came in a day or two before I picked up the ring but before Izzy's jeweler puts those three honking big stones in the fancy gold setting. In her most flirtatious manner, and that's something for a guy to be on the receiving end of, she asks Izzy to replace the diamonds with non-diamond stones, but which to eyes which can't tell the difference between an F, VVS2 and a cubic circonia, like me, which she counts on. Also, to use gold vermeil, which cognoscenti like us know is gold-plated silver, instead of 18K gold. Which I would not notice, also. Tears in her beautiful eyes, she told Izzy that her sweet, poor old mother was ill and needed an operation and to move to Florida for the better weather and I was too stingy to help her old lady.

I tell Honest Izzy that her mother is living the high-life in a mobile home park in Tampa with the other senior citizens lo, these ten years, raking in money delivering groceries, and probably going to live to be 100. Even worse, would you believe, she brought in my Grandma's diamond earrings and, with more tears in her eyes, asked Izzy to replace them with cubic zirconia. Izzy kept the bijoux, saying he'd see what he could do, and called me.

There is a respectful silence. Izzy leaves me to know this event is not unheard of in the jewelry business. The grapevine talks of a girl who got a $10,000 engagement ring, pawned it, replacing it with a $500 counterfeit. This swindler then breaks up with the fiancé, offering to give back the cheap copy to the ignorant husband-not-to-be. The guy tells her to keep the ring. She sells it back to the pawnshop for what she can get. The description fits Natalie. Izzy and I think this guy got off cheap. How to get back at this broad? I get an idea. I tell Izzy. He agrees to help me.

He makes a ring with cheap stones and a pair of earrings with cheap stones, and gives them to her when she returns. He also gives her what she thinks are the real diamonds but which they ain't. She leaves happy. Izzy is happier. I am happiest.

A week later Natalie breaks our engagement. It seems her old lover wants her to join him in Vegas and I caught her on the rebound, so she is bounding away. Thinking they'll have a nest egg from my diamonds. She offers to give back the ring and earrings. To her surprise, I take them. Izzy tells me she then tries to sell the cheap diamonds which she thinks are worth a fortune to a jeweler who is known for offering the best prices on gems and is also his cousin, unbeknownst to her. She flies into a fury, smashes a glass case, and cops are summoned. When she gets out of court, she pays large damages to the cousin.

She can't complain to me without admitting she tries to pull a fast one on me. I am faster. She threatens Izzy to pay her for the diamonds he switched, but he says they are mine, and if he sees, hears, or smells her again, he will gladly tell everyone what she tries to do, but doesn't get away with it this time. Especially the good jewelers who are all known to him, against the time she tries to pull the scam on the next guy . She is last seen on the bus to Vegas. Good riddance. Now she's back and hooks up with you. Run, my friend, run fast and far from her.

These days I'm happy, my mother is happy because Lorna and I are engaged, and Lorna is happy because she has a large diamond ring in a halo setting and will wear my Grandma's diamond earrings at our wedding.