NP: Six Feet Under

Help I lost myself again, but I remember you

"Can you tell me more about that special necklace of yours?" I pressed my lips unto a thin line and clenched the string of metal in my palm as the bitter smile lingered in my lips.

Ah, young love

Don't come back it won't end well, but I wish you'd tell me too

"Bun, do you believe in fallen angels?"
It was one summer night, one memorable summer night when we sat by the riverside and talked about meaningless topics which seemed to be so meaningful to us.

Your eyes glistened with the reflection of the bright moonlight and you looked at me with those mesmerizing eyes. My heartbeat drummed inside my chest and the fireflies danced along with it. That was the most beautiful night that ever existed since then.

But I never answered your question

Our love is six feet under I can't help but wonder if our grave was watered by the rain?

"Hoy Rigel 'wag kang pasosyal na umiinom ng champagne diyan alam naming excuse mo lang 'yan para hindi ka makipagsocialize dahil sa katamaran mo!"

I simply shrugged at nagpanggap na para bang wala akong naririnig. I don't find any interesting thing to talk about with neither some interesting people to talk too.

Maya maya lang naman ay makakauwi na ako, I can manage to wait as long as walang gugulo sa'kin gaya ng ginagawa ng pinsan ko ngayon.

"Hindi naman dahil host ang pamilya natin sa event na 'to eh kailangan lahat tayo mang-entertain ng mga bisita, kayang kaya na nina mama 'yan"

I can sense the way he shaked his head in disappointment that made me laugh inside, aren't they used to my antics yet? I mean it's not me if it's not lazy.

But what everyone knew nothing of is how one certain lady caught my eyes since the very start of this event. I kept my chill, it's not an everyday thing to see me going around following someone unknown but it's also not an everyday thing to see such beautiful sight like this.

There she was, innocently watching people passing by her table. There's something captivating with those round doe eyes that got me begging for more.

I guess entertaining people wasn't a bad idea afterall.

Would roses bloom?

A mixture of pleased sighs and incoherency were lingering around the heavy air that was filled by the smell of sweat and sex.

No one saw this coming but they are both seeking for an adventure, an unforgettable experience that would spice up their summer dreams. Grunts and moans along with the loud beat of a sensual song playing as their background as they rocked their body unto each other for pleasure. As the night gets deep they went deeper, no one saw this coming but it's not a thing they would regret to exist.

Maybe they would still search for more.

Retrace my lips, erase your touch, it's all too much for me

"I heard some news from cousins son" I dropped my fork gently as mother wiped her lips with the cream colored napkin. The silent pause was enough to send chills to my spine but thankfully her smile calmed my raging nervousness.

"Mind telling me about this girl you are 'hooking up' with according to Sohn?" she raised her hands and made a sign of quotation in the air to emphasize her thought.

Unknowingly, I let out a deep chuckle which made my mother more curious about it. I can see her intense gaze looking at me trying to fish out some answers in order to fill her curiosity, typical mom.

"Ma, I'm not 'hooking up' with her" I can see how my statement made her more confused. "Then how can you explain that?" I was supposed to be answering her question but because of the short haired figure standing behind the glass walls of our dining room, I excused myself and ran to her to give her the tight hug she's been deprived of.

I was too focused with her that I didn't even realized my mom was standing behind me.

"So this was the girl that apparently you are hooking up with?" I snaked my hand and get a good grip of her waist as I pulled her near me sideways.

"Mom there's a big difference between hooking up and dating. I'm dating Ceres mom"

And by then I saw the proudest smile you've ever made.

Blow away like smoke in air, how can you die carelessly?

"What's with you and long sleeve shirts nowadays?" I remember the day you started keeping secrets

"Umiiwas sa sunburn? I mean, summer ngayon mainit matindi sikat ng araw malaki ang possibility na magkasunburn kapag naexpose balat ko sa araw"

You hid them very well that you almost made me believe.

"Hmm, maganda ka padin naman kahit magkasunburn ka" you hid them behind the pretending to be happy smile but your eyes can never deceive me.

While you pretend to be so void of emotions your eyes still kept on being filled with them.

They're playing our sound

"I don't get it, anong connect ng necklace mo kay Ceres?" Our love was complicated indeed. Being built between two complicated people we knew there was no place for it to build up between us. But love wasn't known to be magical for nothing, so it worked its magic on us.

"Can you see this? Can you see this dust inside this bottle? It is magical"

Laying us down tonight

"Honey why don't you invite Ceres over for dinner?"

"Mom I haven't seen her since last week's monday night"

You even went to the point where you hid your own self from me. Wasn't I worth of knowing your deep dark secrets? Am I not trustworthy? Or maybe I'm not that important afterall.

I have tried searching for you, trying to get you beside me again. Are you giving up already? Are you already waking up from our summer night dream?

I have searched for you but I haven't searched enough.

And that's how I realized it, with only you crying in front of me

I was supposed to be believing in fallen angels

But you're not really there.

And all of this clouds crying us back to life, but you're as cold as a knife

"Anong ibig sabihin non? Wala akong naiintindihan?"

The bitter smile seemed to stick within my lips. Remembering you isn't an easy matter and going back to our story wasn't as easy as listening to it.

"When she started keeping secrets I know I have to dig deeper, alam kong it should have been just a summer night hook up but when I saw those scars I told myself that it has to be something more.

I wasn't attracted to her because of her beauty, it was because of the rumour spreading around town about one of mom's amigo and amiga having a daughter who is a mess. I want to see what kind of mess is it really so when that night came I made sure that I will see it myself.

That night even with the lights off I have seen every imperfections of her's as we bonded together that's how I learned that it was the mess they're talking about, she fighting against her own thoughts battling against depression and that turned her into a person they knew nothing about. That was the mess they're talking about.

But I think it was really brave of her, fighting against it is no joke. I swear with those times with us together I knew she was getting better. I can feel it, not because of how she jumps around joyfully but because of how she looked into my eyes filled with life and love. She told me she learned to love herself as she started loving me.

But the thing about words and guts is that they can't be trusted well enough. She was getting better in my perspective but for her it was getting worst.

She started to doubt her own self more especially when she received my praises. She started to think she wasn't enough everytime I hug her and tell her she was so good for me. Her insecurities doubled up everytime we would look at each other up skin to skin. I was trying to heal her but all she learned is to tell lies to keep them hidden.

It was too much for her, being in the worst state. Even I can't stand that so it's no wonder when she decided to fall. She was my fallen angel, an angel who kept on bringing grace and life around while things are slowly falling apart for her. She fell from her own happy little world and the time she landed that's the only time we understood that she put up an act just to make us believe that she's not falling"

We were both engulfed by silence after I stopped speaking. I guess she was shocked but when I heard sniffles that's when I found out that she was crying already.

"That was tragic you know?"

I only answered with a nod.

"But the necklace?"

I placed the said thing in the table between us for her to have a fuller view of it but she didn't even attempted to touch it she only stared at me thinking that the explanation would be much better than the actual thing itself.

"She was my fallen angel but she also reminds me of the moon. She gave light to me in my darkest moments even if it's supposed to be the other way around and this, this magical dust is a moondust. This was her and it's still giving me light until now"

"Wait, ibig mong sabihin na 'yan yung–"

"Nakasulat sa suicide note niya na gusto niyang i-cremate ang remains niya at mag-iwan ng kaunting abo para sa'kin. 'Yon lang ang sinabi saakin ng pamilya niya noong binigay nila sa'kin 'to so I decided to keep this and take good care of this for her"

"That was beautiful"

I only smiled at her in return as I retrieved the very special necklace I owned, caressed it and made sure that it was placed in a special and safe place in my pocket afterwards.

Help I lost myself again but I remember you

2018.05.30