So... I wanna say something important. Maybe you don't have to listen, I'm already better, but I might as well orchestrate my feelings in the past.

Ok... so for how long was I feeling depressed? Before I even joined Wattpad, really. I had depression for 1 and half or 2 years, and I never told anyone. Why? I didn't want to hurt or bother anyone by telling my problems.

And in the middle of may, I was really hurting. Things in life didn't go the way I wanted it to be, things got more controlling, so... it hurt. A lot.

For the readers who have been with me throughout my little life experience, you might've remember my 'WishTale' story, which is now gonna be my proudest writings ever. Anyways... I'm not blaming anyone for not noticing, but in that story, I was crying for help. Remember Blanche? Yeah, she illustrated me. I planned on making her depressed, pulling out her emotions that I felt. But then I thought; 'No one would ever notice. No one would ever care. They will believe your lies: 'I'm fine'. They always do. So how can this be anymore different?' But for some reason... I scrapped that idea, and made her psychotic. Which I interpreted myself as a sadistic psychopath who has no soul.

And then there was a plan to make Frisk die. Maybe if I illustrated a loss, I can illustrate my pain. But I didn't want to disappoint my readers. That would be such a bad ending. So I scrapped that idea.

Now, I have defined fine. Not just, 'Oh, it's fine' no, it's gonna be how I interpret the word.

F.I.N.E. is an acronym. Feeling I'm Not Enough. It's a terrible acronym. But we use it.

There are times I didn't have a reason to get out of bed. Then I remembered my family. My two year old sister, whom I prayed for every night until I heard my mother was expecting.

She was my reason. And when my parents found out about my mental health, and my thoughts, they mentioned that we haven't got to her 5th birthday yet. I haven't seen her grow, yet.

Throughout the days where I thought I couldn't go on, I couldn't do this, I wanted to die... I'd look at her. And think, 'Do it for her. Keep on living for her.'

So I did.

And on another note, do not use depression as an excuse to keep someone with you. I know, most of you wouldn't do this, but some people do. And I understand that you want people to take it more easy on you, but never, never use it as an excuse to keep someone with you, or expect they'll do what you want. I'm not being mean. I just have to express this.

I also used humor to make things 'better'. My mom used to say everything's a joke to me and I never took anything seriously. But... like Leo from Heroes of Olympus, humor was the best way to hide the pain. I thought if I made everything a joke, it'll make things better, but it made things worse.

And one final thing. My anxiety.

Long ago, I was so stressed about school. My grades weren't enough, I thought I wasn't trying hard enough, I thought I was stupid, I was so anxious for answers a question. And this isn't just normal anxiety.

It was crying for getting a grade lower than an A on a paper, tearing up when answering a question, my anxiety levels going through the roof when I didn't know the answer, leading me to cutting myself. And if I ever got a question wrong? I assume everyone thought of me as stupid, and the voice coiled up around my back, whispering so many hurtful things to me.

I wrote an entire page of hateful comments about myself in a day. And there were days I planned my suicide.

I brought a knife to my room, pills in my room, I even considered writing a suicide note and thought about writing a will.

Whenever it came to mind that I was depressed, I thought, 'You're overreacting. You're just looking for attention. You're not depressed, you attention seeker.'

I never told my situation to anyone because of that. I was scared people would judge. That they would be just like the voices.

I broke myself down to stay humble. I broke myself so I can be everyone's expectations: smart, humble, kind, nice, even... 'perfect'. I'm not bragging. Some students that are hella smart mention me as 'perfect', and I always say thanks not to be rude. But I'm really insecure about my grades. I felt I wasn't... good enough to be perfect.

I cut my hair a long time ago because I wanted to illustrate my pain. Maybe if I cut my hair, it would show that I was done.

But no one ever noticed. But... if they won't notice, maybe it's better to keep it hidden if they're not going to notice. Being feared is better than being hated. That was my mindset back then.

And still... I could've been a mess back then. But at least I'm still here. And maybe I could change more lives one day.