SAM'S POV

I looked up at the endless sky, my lips slightly parted, a few tears sliding down my cheeks. Whenever I looked at the sky, I was mesmerized yet terrified of it, of it's beauty. The way it stretched over my head for infinity made me feel small, insignificant, irrelevant, unimportant. It was so beautiful yet so scary. Scary because it made me think and for me thinking was never good.

The sky, it makes me feel unwanted.

I lifted my hand, wiping my tears on the sleeves of my shirt. I did it again, I hurt her. I made her angry. I hurt the one person who was there for me when no one else was. But I didn't mean to. When you pretend to be someone else for too long then eventually, it becomes a part of who you are. I wish I could go back and-

I laughed bitterly, my voice sounding like it wasn't coming from me but from somewhere far away, it was empty, hollow. If I could go back, I wondered how many things I would change. After all, my life was just a tangled mess of regrets, lies and tears. Even if I could go back, I was pretty sure I'd fuck it up all over again. That was why I had decided a long time ago that I didn't need any friends or family, I was fine alone. I should've been fine alone. I shouldn't be worrying about Erika. I shouldn't be meddling in her personal life. But I didn't know what came over me. I didn't want her to get hurt. I didn't want her to be sad... yet I made her sad. I knew it. I wasn't worth it. I didn't deserve to be her friend. I was a disgusting-

Stop thinking!

I wiped my tears away, pulling out my phone and frantically dialling the number I knew by heart.

He picked up after three rings. "K- Kyle?"

"Oh, hey, babe."

I bit my lip as more tears slipped down my cheeks. "I'm c-coming over t-tonight." I whispered. Usually I would get angry at him for calling me 'babe' but today I didn't have the energy so I just ignored it altogether, hoping he wouldn't notice.

"Are you- " There was a long pause before he continued. "Are you okay?"

I laughed bitterly, tears pricking my eyes. "I wouldn't call you if I was okay."

He sighed. "Right, it's just- you haven't called me in two months, Sam. I thought you- well, stopped."

I feel dirty.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and whispered. "I tried, I- I can't- "

"You have to stop this, Sam. I didn't choose this life. I was pushed into this but you have a choice- "

I feel dirty.

"P-Please." I sobbed. "Please, kyle. I need this. I need you."

He sighed again, mumbling a small "Meet me at 8." before hanging up and I breathed in relief. This was my only escape, if he rejected me I didn't know what I would do.

I feel dirty.

"Stop thinking!" I screamed, covering my ears with my hands.
"I know I'm dirty! I know I'm disgusting!"

I grabbed my hair in frustration, gritting my teeth and my hands clenched into fists by my sides. "You're disgusting, Sam! No one wants to be friends with you!" I yelled, kicking the railing in anger. "Fucking pathetic!"

"You're not disgusting. I want to be your friend, okay?" A familiar voice spoke from behind me and I jumped at the sudden noise.

I instinctively turned, quickly looking away when I realized my face would probably be tear stained. "W-what are you doing here?" I whispered, my voice cracking unintentionally.

His eyes widened as he caught the state I was in. "Are you crying?"

I bit my lip. "N-no."

I turned towards the railing, clutching it so tightly that my knuckles turned white and looked down at the empty ground below, more tears building up in my eyes as I heard faint footsteps behind me. I knew it. I didn't deserve to be loved by anyone. He probably realized that and left. This is exactly what I deserved for hurting everyone around me. I'm such an idi-

"It's okay, Sam."

I froze, my eyes widening when his strong arms made their way around my waist, pulling me back onto his chest as he rested his chin on my shoulder.

Ba-back hug.. ?

"Hey! What are you- "

"Don't cry." He mumbled, his breath tickling my neck and I shivered.

"I told you I'm not- " I yelled, thrashing around to get away. He was holding me too tightly and it scared me. I was in an isolated area and even though he didn't look strong, he was. My body trembled against my will, if he tried something, I'd never be able to fight him off and that terrified me.

"Liar." He said as he pulled me closer. "We're friends now, okay? You don't have to be alone."

My eyes widened, a choked sob escaping my lips involuntarily. I wanted to protest, yell at him that I didn't need him and I was fine by my own but I was tired. So god damn tired. I knew that if I opened my mouth, I would break down all over again and I didn't want to do that in front of him. I didn't want to show more weakness, so I did the only thing that I could. I nodded, turning around and falling back into his arms, hiding my face against his shoulder as tears poured out of my eyes.

--------

I didn't know how long I cried into his arms but the only thing I knew was that my eyes were swollen and it was hurting me. He didn't say a word of complaint or comfort. He just stood there, letting me cry as he moved his hand up and down my back. I had barely noticed it when he sat down on the floor, pulling me to his lap and stroking my hair as the tears refused to stop. Maybe he knew that I needed to let it out. All those years of pent up frustration, I needed a release.

"Are you feeling okay now?" He asked cautiously. It had been over fifteen minutes since I had stopped crying and now we were sitting on the floor with our backs to the railing.

I nodded, leaning back and closing my eyes. "Yeah."

"Okay." He whispered. "Erika sent me here. She told me you'll be on the roof."

"Okay." I whispered, not knowing what else to say. He just saw a side of me that no one had ever seen, a side that I made sure not to show anyone. He saw my weakness. I didn't know what to do now. No one in these last five years had ever attempted to comfort me or ask me if I was okay. Obviously my family did but I pushed them away and they just... stopped. But he was persistant as fuck and...well, he just happened to catch me at the wrong time. What was I supposed to do now? Was I supposed to thank him? Or was I supposed to apologize? I didn't know.

"Sam?" He asked, snapping his fingers in front of my face to get my attention.

"What?" I snapped harshly, regretting it when I saw the hurt look on his face. But I didn't care, I was disgusting and he would soon realize that and leave me. I didn't need friends. I didn't need anyone.

I'm fine alone.

"I'm going home." I said as I stood up, brushing the dust off my back.

"What? You can't, school's not over yet." He frowned, grabbing my pants.

"Who the hell are you to tell me I can't? You don't fucking own me! I can do whatever the fuck I want. Leave me the fuck alone!" I yelled abruptly and he flinched, biting his lip and taking his hand back but I felt out of control, like I was possessed by something or someone. I wanted to tell him I was sorry. Tell him that I thought he was really cool and that I truly wanted to be his friend but it was painful knowing that I couldn't, I could never. I was disgusting and dirty. I didn't deserve someone like him. If he found out what happened to me he would leave me, he would laugh at me and hurt me. It would be easier if I ended this before any of that happened.

I feel dirty.

None of us spoke for the next few seconds. The only sound being my heavy breathing and the bell going off, followed by the faint noise of students on the school ground below. Tears pricked my eyes as I looked down at him. There. I did it again. I made someone sad.

"Apologize," He smiled and I froze. "Just kidding."

He bit his lip and stood up, dusting his back. "That was a little harsh. But it's okay."

I stared at him in shock. Why? Just why? Why wasn't he being his usual self? Why was he being so gentle? Why was he treating me like I was some delicate flower or something? What changed? Was he pitying me? What, just because I had a break down, he thought I was weak? Did he think I would break down again if he pushed me like he did yesterday? Or did he finally realize that I wasn't worth it?

"Because you're hurting." My eyes widened as my brain registered what he just said.

"I-I, I'm n-not." I whispered and he moved closer, taking my fist and unclenching my fingers.

"You're shaking..." He whispered, wiping my cheeks with his thumb. "...and crying."

"I..." I snapped my jaw shut, too mesmerized by his gentle eyes. He was standing so close, I could almost hear the thumping of his heart.

"Don't worry. Everyone has a bad day." He said, chuckling softly when I stared at him in shock. Right, everyone has a bad day... I just have too many.

"I...can't b-be friends..." I trailed off, trying to swallow the tears. I had cried enough for one day.

He smiled at me sadly. "It's okay to cry, Sam. No one's judging you."

I bit my lip, tears stinging my eyes. Fuck, I was such a cry baby. All I fucking did was cry. "I- I can't be friends with y-you." I whispered again, my tone beyond disappointed.

He nodded in understanding, surprising me. "Then.." He smiled, his hand slipping from my cheek and resting on my neck. "How about we be acquaintances?"

"A-Acquaintances?" I asked, tilting my head in confusion.

He nodded. "Yeah."

I frowned, thinking about it. If we were acquaintances, I didn't have any obligation towards him. I could still talk to him and if I started getting too attached, I'd cut all ties with him. It looked like a good idea but...

"Please?" He asked, his eyes pleading as he looked at me and I couldn't find it in me to reject him.

I feel dirty.

I wiped my tears away, shaking my head to get rid of my thoughts. I won't let it ruin my life anymore. I won't let it take over every aspect of my life. I can do it. I can ignore the monster inside my head. "O-Okay."

Suddenly he lunged forward, throwing his arms around me. "Thank you."

I cleared my throat awkwardly, trying my best not to think. "You're w-welcome."

He grinned at me but when I didn't return it, he frowned. "Are you still feeling sad?"

I shook my head, smiling slightly, trying not to show how disappointed I actually was. I really wanted to be alone right now to collect my thoughts. I just did something so overwhelming and my head was screaming at me that I would regret this, that I didn't deserve him, that I was disgusting. "Fine." I said over the lump in my throat.

I just feel so dirty.

"I'm fine."