Announcement: ❖The WINNER for Prompt Challenge April 2017 is... with a landslide victory FayLane!!!! Thank you to everyone who participated. 

❖ The next Battle of the Chapters (BoC) Challenge will be launched in the next twenty-four hours! Keep your eyes peeled and jump in fast because we are only accepting the first ten qualified applicants this time. See the published chapter for more details (when it's out).

Commenting time frame (CST): May 5 to May 14

Moderator: mokbook ⬅︎ is not the droid you are looking for

Comment Topic:  None because it's a Champion Round!! However we do have a special request/ instructions from our newest CR. Please read the message below from SapphireAlena, Judging technique. Remember to pay attention to details! Thanks ❤︎

Judging technique: You are all wonderful literary critics, but this time, I am seeking a reader engagement response. Please refrain from suggesting grammar, mechanics, phrasing, plot, or description corrections. Since I am looking for a visceral reader engagement response, please do not read other people's comments before submitting your own. Since there will be a winner for each chapter, please provide the comments in the separate chapters, not lumped together in the last chapter.

I am looking for comments that show reader engagement with the text, giving evidence from the text and personal experiences with the answers. Visceral comments will hold more weight than intellectual ones. A great response will cover every segment of the chapter instead of just a few paragraphs. Quality quantity is the way to win.

👉 Press those pretty Stars ☆☆☆

Author #1: SapphireAlena [Featured Author, Champion Reviewer, Board Member]

Book Title: Rise of Ren

Specified Chapter: 42 & 43 - Regrets [Two short chapters combined for NBR purposes]

[NOTE: Chapter numbers have changed. If you are reviewing this round for NBR screening, the correct chapter is 43 - Regrets. Link is in the comments.]

Summary Thus Far in Book:  This is the sequel to Star Wars: The New Jedi Order, which many of you have already reviewed a few chapters or even read the entire novel. After unearthing The Journal of the Whills, a book of Jedi history that covers millennia, the Jedi discovered that Master Simikarty had manipulated the basic doctrines of the Order a thousand years earlier. His alterations included the addition of the non-attachment clause and the removal (kidnapping) of Force-sensitive infants from their parents. With the approval of Lor San Tekka, a cleric of the Force, Luke and Naluma adopted the old doctrines and married five years before these chapters.

During their first five years of marriage, Naluma struggled with infertility and the stress of dealing with Padawan Ben Solo while Luke was away on missions. These conditions led to a mental breakdown two years earlier. Through the Force, Luke was able to restore her mental balance, and there have been no incidents since that time. Infertility is still an issue, and Luke is always on guard for a relapse into mental breakdown. Luke and Naluma are both 38. Ben is 15.

Chapter 41 [beginning of the story arc] - Naluma has an accident during saber training while she is sparring with Ben, collapsing in agony.

Author's Note:  Thank you so much for helping me with this story. If you're not a fan of Star Wars, that's fine. Pretend it's a fantasy book with laser swords, telepathy, and telekinesis used by a religious order. The religious order has an academy, training the apprentices. Ben is a troubled apprentice (Padawan), as well as Luke and Naluma's nephew. Luke, Naluma, and Kalder are all Jedi Masters (teachers as well as highly proficient Force [magic] users). That's all you need to know about this world for these chapters. 

Questions:

1. With which character did you associate the most and why?

2. Which metaphors did you find in the chapter and were they effective?

In-line Comment Preference: PLEASE DO NOT USE IN-LINE COMMENTING. 

Genre:  Fanfiction

Rating: PG-13 [TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of mental illness]

▼Winners▼

➤ Winning Comment: 

Oh, my wonderful woman, I'm so glad I was able to cut out an hour to dedicate to at least one of your chapters before life grabs me by the whirlwind and throws me back into chaos.

Even though I'm pressed for time, I won't neglect telling you how stellar you are and how there are three brightly shining bits and bobs about this chapter that make it exceptionally beautiful.

Bit 1: Realism - I go into this later, but honestly, there were a few chords that were struck here. Again, later. Just highlighting this because damn. It was real.

Bob 2: Relationships - One of my favorite scenes was the one with Ben and Han. Why? Because even more complicated than the mother/daughter relationship, is the father/son dynamic. Especially when you're as conflicted as a kid as Ben and you come from two parents who are Han freaking Solo *swoon* and Leia. I really loved Han's attempt at fathering, but the man is just so clueless. I <3 him.

Combined Bit&Bob 3: Scene - You set powerful scenes. Now that I have ready more of your work, your style makes sense to me. It just took some time to get acclimated to the water, but now that I have, I thoroughly enjoy what you're doing. I see it clearly. In all honesty, it reads like a full-body script. It's a fleshed-out scene with some dialogue that adds to the environment. You do an awesome job of showing. Lots and lots of showing.

AND here we go!

FYI: I wrote these comments in real-time as I was experiencing them. Please ignore the fact that they are really all over the place.

***

There are a lot of "then" statements with action when Luke finds Naluma. It honestly made me lose some of that frenzy when it seems like the actions are being listed off so sequentially. Here, a little emotion was lost.

Pilar Iyochozu makes my heart flutter. She's two meters? My husband is two meters. I reacted very swoony to this. <3

The miscarriage:

This scene is tragic. Since I already knew what's already happening based on your descriptions, I was preparing myself for heartbreak. I felt the rush of panic from Luke, but I think what I was missing for it to be truly panicked as much as Luke, is more description of Naluma's pain.

I know that she was unresponsive, but I felt like her pain was needed here.

Luke observes the blood, but there's so much more that happens in a miscarriage that would cause panic. I feel like he would have felt that sudden and sharp pain through their connection. It wouldn't be that he felt that something was wrong, but there would have been a shift as her world would literally break inside her.

I would have liked to see him see her pain. I'm pretty sure you did it this way because you want him to believe this could be self-inflicted. I see what the purpose was for sure, but I think by focusing on that, you've lost some of the potency of this scene. I felt not nearly as much as I expected to feel here.

Again, this is just my perception. Miscarriage is devastating. You have a great foundation, but this scene can be so much more powerful.

Miscarriage Announcement and Reaction:

This was really well done. I felt the heartbreak. This scene impacted me more than the miscarriage itself.

Han and Ben:

I LOVE how you hint that something is wrong with Ben based on Carron's observations. The dramatic irony here played really well! Especially when Han came around, I wondered if Ben was actually going to reach out to his father and he did! Triumphant parenting opportunity!

Han *facepalm* I've never been a parent, but I feel like he's not doing so well handling this situation. But it's a powerful moment. They feel clumsy together, like neither of them know how to hold this relationship the have. I like it. It adds so much dimension to their characters.

Naluma:

She wanted to be alone in her grief - Oh this is real. This is horrible and shattering.

Between the request for water and Luke's return, I feel like my emotions had to take a leap here. You have Luke disappear, but you don't have her use that time to break apart. When she's finally alone, I feel like this is a poignant time where we'd see her fall to pieces. She wanted to be alone and when she got her request fulfilled, she did nothing with it. There's so much that can be done here.

Question while reading: if she was so attached to the 9 week-old fetus (naming her and knowing her sex), why hadn't she told Luke about it?

The other realism I appreciate of this scene is her need to mourn alone. Women who experience miscarriage are often told their reactions are selfish, that they need to take the partner's feelings into consideration and let them be part of the grief. When people say this, THEY are the truly selfish ones. No one endured the same pain the mother endured. Their pain is not a gnarly knot of both corporeal and emotional anguish. There's a time and a place for coping together.

Right after? That's not one of them.

Sorry, these reactions seem a little disjointed. I was writing them down as they came to me, so this is basically a glimpse of my mind's processing functions. I'm more busted up than I thought.

I get why Luke requests to have her sedated. It makes me mad at him and sad for her. She doesn't need to be numbed, she needs to feel these things in order to heal. Luke is taking away a vital part of our human coping mechanism because he doesn't understand. The hell, man! Just leave her alone.

That wasn't very detailed, I apologize. This has honestly been a week something akin to the second circle of hell.

Question time! I love that these questions really give us a chance to expound on our own perceptions. For my next round, I'm totally taking a page out of your book.

Q1: Which character?


Naluma. For obvious reasons. I thought I could really go into why, but now that I'm typing it out, I can't. But just know that your realism was enough to affect me. Her pain is powerful.

Q2: Metaphor:

I'm going more for the parallelism of this story. I noticed you did one thing really well (among a slew of other things you did really well)

Naluma is like her room. She shuts herself off from the world, wanting to be completely alone. I noticed that you mentioned she shut off everything but voice command - interesting. When in the hospital, it's Luke's command that gets her to bring down her shield as well.

Similarly, Naluma becomes cold and "sterile", just like the hospital. Naluma is part of her environment.

I found this powerful. Your description of the locations was as strong as your descriptions of the characters themselves. Many writers ignore the character-to-environment connection, which is infuriating sometimes. You do a great job bringing the two together, meshing them and braiding them into a seamless element of your story that adds dimension. I loved it.

I LOVED this chapter and hope that sometime in the next 48 hours, I have time to go into the next few.

All the love,

-L

➤ Network with this winner: LLMontez

➤ 1st runner up: CatharticNonsense

➤ 2nd runner up: FayLane

➤ Final Author's Note: 

Honorable mentions:

reaweiger, wandwsawday, OctaviaLocke, CrystalPascale, painebook, redtoadmedia

Thank you to the 53(!) NBR Members who read and commented my chapters, providing an overwhelming Champion Reviewer round. My head is still spinning. Thanks for embracing the visceral response approach. A big thank you to all of you who did not make improvement suggestions. (I really couldn't handle 150 "helpful suggestions" this time.)

This chapter arc (Chapters 41-49) is close to my heart. I had to become both Luke and Naluma as I wrote these chapters. While I have never even been pregnant, I was wrapped up in their pain throughout the writing and revising and rewriting. These chapters are still deep within me.

To submit these chapters for any type of review required a lot of courage. I knew I could not emotionally handle the normal NBR critical reviews. I know there are flaws in my writing, but I'm willing to live with the flaws in these chapters because the cost of editing them under that type of analysis is more than I can bear. Thank you for those of you who trusted me and respected my wishes for no suggestions.

_____

I had a wide variety of characters with whom each of you related. That was fine. The characters who did not hold the POV for their scenes took me by surprise, though. Thanks for shaking me up. :-)

-Ben (when he was talking to Han)

-Pilar (the pilot)

_____

The primary metaphor in this chapter was "Hope." Naluma had felt her daughter in the Force one week after conception and named her "Hope." The name comes from a Force-vision she had one year before they were married, a year before they even thought they could be married, due to the old Jedi Code.

She had seen darkness overwhelming the Jedi Order at the beginning of the vision. (Ben joined the academy a year later.) At the end of the vision, she was in her third trimester of pregnancy, with both her and Luke's hands resting on her baby bump.

Luke called the last part of the vision a "Vision of Hope and Light." That is where the name came from. That is why she felt all hope was crushed.

Other metaphors included the following (thanks to painebook for many of these):

-The room smelled metallic—blood, hardness

-His world crashed around him

-The two hours dragged

-His normal Jedi peace shattered

-The hours crept by

-She was torn in two—literally and metaphorically

-Luke staggered under the weight of

-bore into her soul (AmericaBruja

)

-Naluma shut down her shields (wordsmithwriting88)

Some favorite comments:

OctaviaLocke - I think a running theme in your writing is using subtlety and simplicity to convey huge, complex, and raw emotions. Luke's panic is made clear when he thinks, "Oh, Naluma. I don't know how to fix this." Brilliant line and it conveys so much in such a simple line. This sentence definitely grabbed my heart and squeezed it tight; it was a thought of helplessness that so many readers can relate to.

CrystalPascale - I already mentioned the "torn in two" metaphor in question one but I'll mention that one briefly again simply because it was the line that struck me the most in the entire book. Reading that line not only shattered Naluma's reality, but for that one, split instant, I was so emotionally involved with the story, that Naluma and I were the same person, and it broke my heart to read that line... And say they finally got past it... the fact that a human soul, a breathing, living being, her own flesh and blood, DIED inside her before it had a chance to really live.... say that by a slim chance, they were able to move past that. Could they really? What could Luke possible say to make it any better? Nothing. The baby is gone. One instant there, the next... just gone. And that empty feeling inside her... I imagine it to be a big, black, merciless pit. And yeah, if I was Naluma, I'd be having some pretty dark thoughts too.

LLMontez - Naluma is like her room. She shuts herself off from the world, wanting to be completely alone. I noticed that you mentioned she shut off everything but voice command - interesting. When in the hospital, it's Luke's command that gets her to bring down her shield as well. Similarly, Naluma becomes cold and "sterile," just like the hospital. Naluma is part of her environment.

_____

Even though the review was visceral, it doesn't mean it was worthless. I learned much about the emotion trigger points throughout the chapter and have made a few changes based on them. The revised chapter is up. Check it out and let me know what you think when you have the chance.

_____

Author #2: SapphireAlena [Featured Author, Champion Reviewer, Board Member]

Book Title: Rise of Ren

Specified Chapter: 45 - Drifted Apart [Screening for NBR: This is the correct chapter number. Link is in comments.]

Summary Thus Far in Book: Chapter 44 - After the medtechs sedate Naluma, Luke flies the Padawan back to the academy (two hours away). When he arrives, Jedi Master Kalder confronts him with Senate calls and other responsibilities. Luke orders all the Jedi called back to the academy as soon as current missions are completed. He forbids any Jedi from taking on a new mission while he's gone.

Ben, believing that he has killed Naluma, struggles with guilt. He tries to atone for his sins by cleaning the Jedi Masters' living quarters. The blood haunts him.

Author's Note:  Questions:

1. How did this chapter make you feel?

2. Which were the most emotionally charged lines and why?

In-line Comment Preference: PLEASE DO NOT USE IN-LINE COMMENTING. 

Genre:  Fanfiction

Rating: PG-13 [TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of mental illness]

▼Winners▼

➤ Winning Comment: 

Hello again, Alena! Haha! How strange for me to be back so soon after I just read a chapter of yours. This is a weird feeling since I haven't done this before for but I'm excited. Alright, onto your second chapter. I'm loving it so far, and I'm sure it'll only get better from here on out :)

1. How did this chapter make you feel?

-I felt like I was on a rollercoaster of emotions. Also, I fell in love with you and this book. HAHA. I'll explain it all in the answer to the next question!

2. What were the most emotionally charged lines and why?

-"Luke reached out through their Force-bond and calmed her, squelching her panic. He sent his love to her through the bond. He breathed a sigh of relief when Naluma reached back, pulling his energy from him, building her foundation of peace again."

> This was the beginning of the rollercoaster. It started off fast, and it was thrilling. I was smiling and had a lot of expectations for the rest of the chapter. The reason why this paragraph tugged at my heartstrings was because in the last chapter that I read, Naluma was pushing Luke away and hysterically screaming at him to leave. As much as Naluma wants her alone time to grieve by herself, I think she also really needs someone to help her get through her trauma right now. Therefore, I breathed out a sigh of relief with Luke when she accepted his help through their bond! Of course, I was sad when she told him not to come to her room right after that, but it's okay. Baby steps. Like I said, she deserves time to herself, so I understand.

2: 

-"I don't understand, but if this is what you need, this is what I'll give you. I love you, Naluma. I wish . . . Luke trailed off, deciding to leave before he upset her further."

> This was still towards the beginning of the RC ― you know what feeling you get when you're going higher and higher, waiting for the drop? That's this! The fact that Luke doesn't understand what Naluma's going through but still restrains himself to follow her wishes is... Can you guess what I'm about to say? That's right ― HEARTBREAKING. But I love that he's still willing to do what she says and gives her the space she needs.

-"Naluma considered the offer before replying. "No, that's okay. But could you send for my husband?"

> Only one word: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYYYY! Is she finally reaching out to him now? This is the point where the rollercoaster finally released me from its clutches. I'm going down, down, down... with the biggest smile on my face :) literally screaming in excitement and holding my hands high in the air!

-"When Luke arrived at the med center, he hesitated at her door, fearing rejection once more. "Naluma, may I come in?"

> HE IS SO THOUGHTFUL. ASKING FOR PERMISSION AND ACTING WEARY BECAUSE HE KNOWS NALUMA IS IN PAIN. I LOVE IT. I LOVE HIM. Still going down on this rollercoaster ;)

-"Hold me," she begged.

> I flippin' love this book. I never want to get off this ride!

-"It took almost losing her for Luke to realize what she meant to him."

> I love this. I love the sad reality and truth behind this one line... I love it all. Why is this rollercoaster drop so long? HAHA!

3: 

-"Just go away."

"Fine." Luke stalked out of the room.

> Oh. There it is... the end of the drop. Now we're going up again, and the fear is in the pit of my stomach. I'm dreading the uphill battle from here on out... My heart is broken. Why would you do this to me, Alena :( WHY? :'(

-"Before Luke reached the shuttle, he turned around and returned to the med center at a quick pace."

> Okay, I take back everything I said in the last paragraph. YES, LUKE. YES. PLEASE GO BACK. TURN AROUND. YES.

-"Naluma, you can lock me out of this room. You can prevent me from seeing you, but you can't remove our Force-bond. Father was right. We can't let the darkness pull us apart. I will fight for our marriage, Naluma. I love you, and my life is worthless without you."

> My life is now complete. I flippin' love this RC ride.

-"Naluma, I can't live without you."

> Like I said, I don't ever want to get off this ride. Sorry, but you can't make me... ;)

-"Luke, I can't handle Ben anymore." Her voice cracked.

"Oh, you don't understand. Just keep Ben away from me."

> I feel like the RC came to a sudden, unexpected stop. LOL. What?! Her sudden uneasiness and fear of Ben caught me off guard, and now I'm worried! I'm starting to doubt his character and his conversation with Han... I know I said I hoped he didn't turn into a bad character and that I hoped he was a genuinely innocent guy, but now I'm starting to have second thoughts... Nooo :(

-"I just wish . . ."

Luke waited a few seconds and then asked, "Wish what?"

"That I was as important to you as the rest of the galaxy is."

> Okay, the RC is back on its tracks. And it's speeding up ― super duper duper duper fast. See what I mean about the emotional rollercoaster ride?! What are you doing to me, Alena? Whyyyyyyyy :( AHHH.

4:

-"Start by taking me seriously then," she said as she turned her head away from him, allowing the tears to flow down her face."

> I don't even know how to feel at this point. My emotions are all over the place... I'm a mess :'(

-"Your love is the only thing keeping me stable right now, Luke. Naluma rubbed her nose, wiping away an errant tear. Just love me.

I never stopped, and I never will."

> I can almost hear the ride operator saying, "And that's it, folks. That's the end of the ride. We hope you enjoyed your stay with us, and we hope to see you again!"

Like I said, I'm a hot mess over here. You played with my emotions throughout the entire chapter, but I didn't regret a second of it. The ups, the downs, the tears, the smiles, the sadness, the laughs, the... everything. I enjoyed it all.

And, guess what? I think I'll hop back on and go for another spin ;)

➤ Network with this winner: CatharticNonsense

➤ 1st runner up: LLMontez

➤ 2nd runner up: reaweiger

➤ Final Author's Note: 

Honorable mentions:

 angelapoppe, painebook, PrairieCreek, wandwsawday, Lyssagirl7686, FayLane, GarrettMock, OctaviaLocke

Writing subtext isn't easy. Reading for it can be even harder. Associating viscerally isn't easy either. I thank you for putting in the extra effort on this chapter, slowing down, and savoring the dialogue. I thank you for dropping your own shields and allowing your own emotions and experiences to merge with Luke's and Naluma's.

It was great to see how people in different stages of life could relate to the characters. I also learned that overall (not always) that gender, age, and personal experiences of the reviewers affected how they related to the chapter.

Many layers of subtext weave through these chapters. What the characters said was not always what was going on. That is one reason I left out many facial expressions and gestures. I purposefully wanted the reader to dig deep and jump to their own conclusions. I didn't want to force my own emotions on the reader.

However, more than just their marriage crumbling—not wanting to be entirely honest with each other out of fear is the another layer of subtext. Whom do Luke and Naluma represent? The Jedi Order. Luke is the Grand Jedi Master, with the full burden on his shoulders. He is in the field often, training Padawan, handling major problems for the Senate, etc. Naluma is in charge of the academy: full responsibility for over 30 Padawan. She also handles a lot of the scheduling of missions for the Order, as Luke is usually gone. She's on an sequestered planet with only about 40 other people she contacts on a regular basis. Quite isolating.

So, what would happen if they separated permanently? The Padawan have grown up under their care. They view them as surrogate parents. What happens to the kids when the parents divorce? A feeling of abandonment? At the very least. Moreover, any time they would be together for work after the separation, tension would permeate the entire academy. The entire Jedi Order might break apart.

Here's the third layer of subtext: Who is causing this? Is it really just normal human situations or is there a sinister plot? Is this person also blinding Luke to the duplicity of Ben? (Naluma Force-saw darkness overwhelming the academy right before Ben arrived.)

_____

Want to read for subtext? Want to write for subtext? Check out these articles:

http://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com/subtext-in-dialogue/

http://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com/5-ingredients-need-story-subtext/

http://conradzero.com/writing-the-unwritable-the-art-of-subtext-by-charles-baxter/

https://21centurytext.wordpress.com/context-subtext-intertextuality-a-tool-for-editorial-analysis/

_____

Another issue brought up was some people wanting more dialogue tags to indicate feelings. I hardly ever use this method (omitting all tags) in writing, but for these scenes I thought it was appropriate. It plunges the reader into deep POV with either Luke or Naluma, if they will take time when they read it and if they will invest themselves in the characters. While this story would suffer if I had used this technique throughout the novel, these particular scenes flourish with it.

Here are two articles that explain how omitting dialogue and action tags can actually grab your readers better than a passage with tags:

http://www.wiseinkblog.com/self-publishing-2/the-5-traps-of-dialogue-tags/

https://www.well-storied.com/blog/how-to-write-in-deep-pov

_____

Comments I found poignant and insightful:

AmericanBruja - I have a much better understanding why some of those in charge wanted Jedi to remain celibate.

FayLane - He was saying, "Oh no you don't,"--he was refusing to lose her. It was like a promise. No way, Naluma, are you getting away from me... OMG I think you've got me shipping these two now... :(

GarrettMock - Love will not break two people apart. Yes, it's going to be unbelievably hard at times, but that's where compromising comes. You don't miss one beat about the emotion and love between these two... I'll admit, I'm not a real emotion guy, but I was sincerely moved by the intense, raw feelings of happiness, depression, sadness, exasperation, and animosity.

katycage - I also liked how Naluma jumped back and forth between sadness and anger and despondency. The "stages" of grief really aren't as organized as they make it seem, so her emotional responses were realistic and contagious (at least for me).

CrystalPascale - You know when you're so down about something that you feel sick to the stomach and you feel like vomiting but there's nothing to vomit up? There. Visualise that as me, your reader, and how I felt at reading this line. Talk about impact... that was a blow straight to the chest. It's lines like this that made the character and reader one, and the thought of someone being able to get away with that and leaving Naluma - or me in that instant for we became interrelated for a moment - feeling violated like that. It's absolutely sickening and leaves me feeling dead and rotten inside.

srobinson - The emotions that Naluma felt were all things that a woman goes through after a miscarriage. There's this mother's instinct that immediately connects you with your child when they are still in the womb, and when you lose them, the pain is unbearable. Her reactions were all understandable and real. Also the emotions you grab from Luke and their love for one another. It's one of the strongest love bonds I've read in a story in a long time. You show it so clearly in the dialogue and reactions of your characters and then in the words their minds share. And the struggles they go through with being together are all too real in love relationships. And the loss of a child tests those bonds more than anything.

angelapoppe - I loved the redundancy (she felt nothing and she said it without feeling) and I know it was intentional. It made that line feel even stronger.

reaweiger - I could feel the tears in their relationship, the hurt of a man who's struggling to show his wife how much he cares and the grief of a woman who doesn't quite know how to cope now that her hope has been crushed.

OctaviaLocke - "I knew you better the ten years before our marriage than I know you now." Luke obviously loves her, it's obvious to him and to the reader, and it must have hurt him beyond measure when the woman he treasured couldn't understand the depth of his love. Those words hurt both of them when Naluma spoke them... You've made Luke and Naluma into truly three dimensional characters as you show the readers their pains, their internal and external struggles... Not many stories had the character's dealing with loss in a way that isn't just crying... I was glad to see that Naluma didn't just cry, she grew distant, empty, she struggled to smile, she got depressed, she tried, she grew angry. Her reactions were just so real. It was heart wrenching reading their predicament. I felt like I was watching a couple struggling in their relationship, intruding on an intimacy I shouldn't be witnessing.

LLMontez - "She scooted over in her bed to make room for him." This feels like there's powerful messaging here. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I've already started associating Naluma with her environment. This means a lot more than just "making room."

RimanEllis - In the beginning of the chapter Luke is asked how they can reach him and he said 'you don't need to, I will know before you do,' it seemed like he didn't just mean it as 'I'll know it using my powers' but as in 'I'll sense it because I love her' and when Luke trailed off in their mental conversation, it made me feel sad for him. He seems like he has a lot bottled up inside and he can't share it all with his wife because of her state.

Lyssagirl7686 - "He yearned for those days, for only then was the darkness truly banished. It took almost losing her for Luke to realize what she meant to him." To me it felt like the "darkness" in question here could have been referring not only to the battle against it considering the Star Wars theme, but also the inner battle that Luke and Naluma are fight for each other.

shelleyxleon - " 'Just love me.' " It's never that simple ... until it is.

_____

Each of these comments, and many more, brought new meaning to my writing. It also brought me a new appreciation. After reading these scenes so many times during editing and rewrites, the author loses the emotional impact. Comments like these bring them back, full force. My request: keep reading viscerally, keep commenting viscerally. I believe every author would appreciate it. It will add more depth to their writing in the end. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Author #3: SapphireAlena [Featured Author, Champion Reviewer, Board Member]

Book Title: Rise of Ren

Specified Chapter:  Chapter 49.5 FOR NBR - Interactions & The Point of No Return [Segments of Chapters 48 and 49 combined for NBR purposes] [NBR Screening: The correct chapter is 48 - The Point of No Return. Link is in comments.]

Summary Thus Far in Book: Chapter 46 - Luke and Naluma reminisce about the early days of their relationship, trying to reignite their marriage.

Chapter 47 - Naluma is still recovering. While she sleeps, Luke goes through the messages that have piled up. He returns a call to Leia, letting her know about the miscarriage. He then returns Han's call and tells him what happened. Han tells him that Ben was upset after the accident. Luke tells Han he'll talk to Ben and let the teen know it wasn't his fault at all. When the Senate calls, Luke tells them the Jedi are out of service for two months. They aren't happy.

Author's Note: Because I don't want to give away spoilers in this book, the questions will be at the end of the review chapter. Please do NOT read the questions before reading the chapter.

**REMEMBER: Questions for this chapter are located at the end of "Chapter 49.5 FOR NBR"**

In-line Comment Preference: PLEASE DO NOT USE IN-LINE COMMENTING. 

Genre:  Fanfiction

Rating: PG-13 [TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of mental illness]

▼Winners▼

➤ Winning Comment: 

Okay, I'm back. MUAHAHA! Back for another round of heartbreaking, powerful, and wonderfully-written scenes. I've got my safety belt on and I'm ready - let's dive in!

Reactions prior to reading the NBR questions:

-"He kissed her on her forehead and said, "Take a nap, and after lunch we'll take a stroll while everyone is in class. But nap first."

"Thank you," she said as she migrated to the bed.

> They are so adorable. Seriously, their relationship is GOALS. I need me a Luke.

-"Ben left the kitchen, his emotions torn up. He heard his grandfather's words echo in his head. Embrace the dark side. Take pleasure in what you have done. Let it consume you. But deep down something inside him kept telling him it was wrong."

> WHAT. IS. HAPPENING. UH??? My wariness of Ben is back... Someone explain why I'm feeling this way :'(

-"She'll say some things she shouldn't—things that she believes are true but really aren't."

"But what if they are true, Uncle Luke?" Ben asked with a querulous voice.

> My eyeballs are bulging out of my face. O_O. Seriously, that's that I look like right now.

-"Thanks for believing me, Uncle Luke. It means a lot to me that you can trust me."

> BUT CAN WE REALLY TRUST YOU, BEN? Hmm? I'm so suspicious of everything right now!

-"Oh, cut it out with the 'Aunt Naluma' and 'Uncle Luke.' You don't believe what you did was wrong, nor would you hesitate to do it again in the same situation," she said crossing to him.

> Hmm... sounds like things went down differently than how Ben said they did...

-"No way what you did was an accident, Ben. Using the Force to crush—to kill—my child did not happen by accident." She crossed her arms and glared at the boy. Only the Force kept her from lashing out at him."

> OH MY GOODNESS. HE KILLED HER BABY? WHAT IN THE WORLD? That would make sense... the doctors couldn't find the cause of the miscarriage and said the baby had been crushed in some way.

2: 

OH MY GOODNESS IT (sort of) MAKES SENSE NOW. THE PIECES ARE SLOWLY COMING TOGETHER. BUT NOT REALLY BECAUSE MY MIND IS STILL BLOWN, LOL.

-"He said with a deeper voice than usual, "You know that, and I know that, but Master Luke doesn't. And he will never know that. He thinks you are delusional."

> ?!??!?!?!?!?! !?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I HAVE NO WORDS. I LITERALLY HAVE NO WORDS. ALENA, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BRAIN. T___T I think I brought this on myself. Remember back in the first chapter when I said, "-Also loved: "I didn't mean to. She wasn't supposed to die," Ben cried.

> Poor Ben :'( he seems like a really young, innocent character. Is that true? I don't know his age, but from his actions and dialogue so far, it seems like it. Haha! I really love the way you're able to pack such powerful emotions behind simple words and sentences. You're awesome! (I'm really hoping Ben is a nice character and that this isn't one of the cases that I was afraid of happening above haha...)"

?!?!?!?!?!??!?!! Remember that? Yup, me neither. It seemed like such a long time ago, and EVERYTHING has changed since then. I'm literally mind-blown right now. Speechless. You've left me speechless. I LITERALLY brought this upon myself. I let myself believe that Ben was a nice, innocent, pure little kid... BUT WHAT. What is this line?! "And he will never know that." gave me goosebumps, OH MY GOODNESS. I AM SHOOK. I have no more words. Just.

Wow.

-"An evil grin adorned his face in expectation. "Go ahead, Auntie. Probe my mind."

> Go away, Ben. You are not wanted anymore. You tricked me. I have been duped by your feigned innocent. Please, stop breaking my heart even more. Just go.

-"Ben reached his starting position on his arc and pivoted sharply to her. "I think this interview is over. Write me a tardy excuse, as I don't want my new persona as the Perfect Padawan tarnished so quickly."

> I don't like you at all, Ben. Not even an ounce of respect left for you.

3: 

I don't know if he's been shrouded in darkness, or whatever the term is for turning over to the dark side (again, please pardon my ignorance... I have no idea what any of the Star Wars terms or concepts are... Ahh!) but Ben is scaring me. T__T He dares to order Naluma around like that? "Write me a tardy excuse." EXCUSE MEEEEEEEEEE?

LOL, okay, please also pardon my extreme reactions. I think, like I said, I brought this upon myself for having that initial image of an innocent little Ben running around in my head... so as I'm reading all this, that little boy in my head suddenly turned around and grew red horns and a tail, sharp claws, and fangs... So I am completely taken aback. Ahh.

-"Yes, or I'm going straight to Master Skywalker to tell him that you hunted me down and tried to kill me." Ben dragged his finger across the back of the sofa beside him."

> Bye-bye, Benny boy. You can go now.

My reactions after reading your questions:

1.) When in these three chapters were you sure that Ben had caused the miscarriage and why?

-I reacted to everything and typed my thoughts out as I was reading the three chapters. I went back and read my reactions, and wow... I did not know that Ben had caused the miscarriage until the moment when he blatantly said it. Maybe it's because I've never seen the movies/read the books, so I had no idea who Ben even was... (I honestly didn't even know if you made this character up yourself, or if he was an actual character in the original story LOL.) Maybe that's why I didn't know up until the moment that I read the lines from Naluma:

"No way what you did was an accident, Ben. Using the Force to crush—to kill—my child did not happen by accident." She crossed her arms and glared at the boy. Only the Force kept her from lashing out at him."

4: 

Not sure why my NBR comment has been flagged as offensive, but... moving on. LOL.

Like, seriously, my mind is still blown. I felt weird about his character after Naluma begged Luke to keep Ben away from her... And then again in the paragraph: "Ben left the kitchen, his emotions torn up. He heard his grandfather's words echo in his head. Embrace the dark side. Take pleasure in what you have done. Let it consume you. But deep down something inside him kept telling him it was wrong." But I truly had no idea why I was feeling wary. NOW I KNOW. DARN YOU, BEN. DARN YOU FOR SUCKING ME INTO YOUR LIES. T__T

2.) What do you feel was the turning point for Ben's character? Why was it not earlier or later?

-I don't have an answer to this question. Truly, I don't. I was rereading through the chapters again to see where this moment could have happened, but maybe I'm just misunderstanding the question... or maybe I'm still numb from the fact that my innocent little Ben turned into this... sneaky, lying, evil kid. AHHH!

I would have to say the moment that comes closest to me is when he says, "You know that, and I know that, but Master Luke doesn't. And he will never know that. He thinks you are delusional."

His voice even turned deeper than usual during this line! Ahh! Since finding out that Ben caused the miscarriage, I went back to the previous chapters to see if I could try to make sense of the previous scenes.

5:

I might be way off, but this is what I think - in the scene with Ben trying to tell Han about what he did, I'm not sure if he was feeling bad and confessed to Han in attempts to get his dad to scold him, man up, and own up to his actions... or if he just did it to get Han on his side, in case the truth about him causing the miscarriage ever came out. I'd like to think it was the first choice I laid out, and I'd also like to think that he was doing the right thing by WILLINGLY confessing and trying to get in trouble so he could take responsibility for his actions. But when Han played it off and said it wasn't his fault and that he shouldn't worry about it, I think Ben might've felt comforted and also played it off and tried to convince himself that it wasn't his fault... Right? Please tell me I'm right T__T I can't take any more of this mind-blowing turn of events! But I really don't know... Ben seems like a really evil character now, and I'm just so confused. T__T

Also, in the scene where Ben talks to Luke and they say:

"She'll say some things she shouldn't—things that she believes are true but really aren't."

"But what if they are true, Uncle Luke?" Ben asked with a querulous voice.

I'd also like to believe that Ben was trying to confess here... That he was trying to get someone to place even just a little bit of guilt on him... But it never happened. Just like with the conversation with Han, this one ended with Luke telling him not to worry about it and reassuring Ben that nothing was his fault.

But when Ben said, "Thanks for believing me, Uncle Luke. It means a lot to me that you can trust me." IT MADE ME DOUBT LIFE AGAIN.

Did he really do these things not to confess, but to try to win Han and Luke over to his side?! That's what this last line says... everything about Ben is giving me the heebie-jeebies, and I honestly have no idea why I didn't figure everything out sooner. T__T

6: 

Thank you for a wild, unexpectedly-crazy and emotional rollercoaster ride. You got me, a non-Star Wars fan, sucked RIGHT up into your story. AND I ENJOYED IT! EVERY SECOND OF IT! Even if I was mindblown and in shock at the end, I don't regret it. I loved it.

PS. Please give Naluma this plastic fork. I'd like her to take it and jab it in Ben's cheek.

That's for you, Ben! For tricking me and leading me on to believe that you were innocent this whole time!

➤ Network with this winner: CatharticNonsense

➤ 1st runner up: MarieBee18

➤ 2nd runner up: reaweiger

➤ Final Author's Note: 

Honorable mentions: FayLane

, wandwsawday, LLMontez, OctaviaLocke, CrystalPascale, painebook, shelleyxleon, leighheasley

Okay, I have to admit, I messed with your minds. But, as Han would say, it's not my fault. I had to choose which chapters to submit of the entire arc. I left out some key chapters that covered Ben's motivations, actions, and remorse. Then I worded questions and phrased my author's notes with care to lead you on. Guilty as charged.

Here are some comments that I especially enjoyed:

leighheasley- :I GOT PLAYED. WELL DONE. The last chapter I was so ticked off because I kept asking myself "Am I reading too deeply into this? She's being gaslit, isn't she? Am I being too sensitive? Please tell me this isn't what the author thinks is a loving and healthy relationship being rekindled." ... But nope. YOU GOT ME. It's nearly four am, I'm sitting in here in my jammies, and I have absolutely no one to tell about how I just got played like a violin by a fanfiction for a franchise I don't even follow. I can totally tell why you don't focus very much on emotes for characters now because it obfuscates their intent. It obfuscates YOUR intent. Wow. Just wow.

OctaviaLocke - He wanted to see his Aunt and apologize to her in person. I can understand his desire to do so, but now that I know the truth, I can see the twisted purpose behind his actions. Just like when he went to where she'd been bleeding out, he wanted to see her in person; he'd witnessed the physical damage with his own eyes, now he wanted to see the emotional damage... There was a distance there, and if that distance has always been there, maybe Ben never truly felt loved and understood by his parents... That's not to say they didn't, I just think their love was flawed and because of Ben's powers, their inability to give him what he needed, ended up having far worse consequences.

henry_scott- He is being very bold. He must have a lot of faith in his Uncle's love for him to threaten her like he did? To bet against a husband and wife is very risky. He must know about the cracks in their relationship.

AhsokaJackson- That big confrontation between him and Naluma was the turning point for me. It confirmed intent on his part, and showed him utterly basking and glowing and reveling in the Dark Side and in being an absolute heel. And it was like a complete personality split...or the dropping of a mask, even. The fact that his voice changed was particularly unnerving. It's like, "Is this what's been hiding under there all this time?"

_deranged_delusions_ - Luke... tries to remain cool and calm about the situation, but when Ben is too persistent, he snaps a vein. Because after all, Hope was his child too, and forgiving Ben must be hard for him... We thought that Ben was yet to make a choice, whether to follow Anakin(?)'s footsteps and cross over to the dark side, but he already has. Committing murder--albeit unintentionally--but revelling in the carnage shows that his humanity is slipping away.

clinquant- I think because I was so focused on Naluma's recovery and her marriage with Luke that I wasn't looking for there to be any other reason to suspect something more evil was at work.

black_hole_survivor- Rather than feel the enormity of his guilt, Ben, like an addict does to escape reality, turns to their drug of choice—in Ben's case, the Dark Side as it allows him to feel righteous about what he has done.

CrystalPascale- . I think the pivotal moment was in the line, "No way what you did was an accident, Ben. Using the Force to crush - to kill - my child did not happen by accident." When I read that I was like, "Oh no... No, no, no, no, no. Naluma you are my absolute favourite character but with just two sentences, I think you managed to turn someone to the dark side." And so she had... All he craves is her approval and forgiveness and that must have been like a stab in the chest for him because I think that was the pivotal moment where Ben realised that he would never ever earn Naluma's trust again, and with good reason... By her believing that he has already turned, it effectively leads him to actually turn and be clouded by darkness and anger. An absolute ironic twist of fate.

wandwsawday - But coming from his aunt, the accusation seemed to finally cause him to crack; her words seem to shatter the mental block he's erected and allow the truth to come to light. In a really cool way, I thought it sort of empowered Naluma, because only she had the power/strength to see through Ben and bring his evil out into the open.

burnedoubt - Additionally, Luke's refusal to accept Naluma's account seems to be a hint that his concerns are rooted in the injury he would sustain, should he loose Naluma: a denial in each sense of the word.

PrairieCreek - He now knows he can fool everyone–and the one person he has never been able to fool--Naluma--has now been neutralized.

_____

What really happened:

1) Ben has been influenced by a voice pretending to be Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader (his maternal grandfather) since he was a toddler. Luke thought he had dealt with the voice back then and does not suspect the boy is still communing with it.

2) In chapter 41, Ben spars against Naluma for his second one-on-one session. (There is now a special modulator on the sabers, so they can be set to stun and not lethal, by the way.) He was messing up constantly. She taunted him, much like an opponent in real life might. Humiliated, he used his Force-sight on Naluma, discovering she was pregnant.

3) Ben is a 15-year-old, gangly teenager who doesn't know his own strength and is uncoordinated—both physically and with the Force. Ben did not intend to kill the baby. He only intended to hurt the baby in order to hurt Naluma—in order to win the match. Still WRONG! If he were tried in a court, it would manslaughter, but not murder.

4) Ben struggled over the guilt, even going so far as to clean Luke and Naluma's quarters while they were at the med center. The blood haunted him, much like Lady Macbeth in Macbeth. (@MarieBee18 caught the reference)

5) When Ben tried to seek forgiveness that he craved, many things happened:

-Han (his father) told him it was an accident and nothing to worry about.

-Luke told him it was an accident and pushed the blame to Naluma.

-Ben discovered he could get away with murder. The voice encouraged him to revel in his darkness and enjoy it. Ben, seeking forgiveness (a form of love) from his relatives and having it denied now turns to the only relative he thinks still loves him: the ghost of his grandfather. He will do anything for that love, including kill again.

6) Many things play into the last scene: Luke's blindness toward the duplicity and darkness of Ben, Ben's desire for love from Granddad Vader, Naluma's history of mental illness as well as the current miscarriage.

7) Luke won't believe Naluma. He thinks she's going mad. He's waiting for the moment he'll have to exile her. He's dreading that moment because he loves her and doesn't want to live without her.

8) When Ben gave into the darkness, the darkness consumed him. A dark spirit moved in, as evidenced by the voice change when Ben manipulated Naluma.

9) Naluma realizes that one wrong word will exile her. That's what she fears—permanent separation from Luke (whether through dissolving their marriage or exile). She loves him. He loves her. They have a symbiotic emotional relationship. If one goes before the other, who knows what might happen.

_____

A few members mentioned earlier that Ben's confession to Han was not sincere. It wasn't. He knew what he had done. He didn't mention the baby. He mentioned Naluma. He knew Naluma would probably live. He could claim he didn't know she was pregnant.

But what does that conversation say about how Ben views Han? Yes, it's a strained relationship. However, there's more to it. Ben delights in deceiving his father. This is foreshadowing for the climactic scene of The Force Awakens. [No spoilers for those who haven't watched the movie.] Those of you who have, I encourage you to re-read that scene with the TFA climax in mind.

_____

When did Ben reach the point of no return? Reaweiger pulled it from the text perfectly:

reaweiger- The point of no return, in my opinion, was when Luke shot him down in the kitchen. Because of the comment on the voice beckoning him towards the darkness, it's already clear how Ben is feeling and the direction his Force is going in. Being denied a chance to apologize – and in such a sharp way ("Luke turned back to him sharply. 'I said no, and that's final. Stay away from her.'") – feels like the last straw. By the time Ben does get his forgiveness (from Luke, not Naluma), I think it's too late. Even as Ben says "Thanks for believing me, Uncle Luke. It means a lot to me that you can trust me.", I feel like he's too far gone, and that he's about to use his uncle's trust in his favor (as seen in the scene with Naluma) rather than let him mend the ache in him.

_____

As for determination of winners: quality quantity was what I was looking for.

Positives: Did they state their feelings? Did they provide evidence for the feeling from the text or personal life? Did they answer the questions? Did they provide evidence? How much? Were they kind?

Negatives: Did they offer suggestions that were asked not to be given? Did they skip the author's notes in the NBR chapter? Did they skip a question or two?

All of these factors were taken into consideration for placement. Then the individual comments for each member were counted up. It took many full days to reply to comments and calculate winners. Sorry for any delay in responding to your comments.

I want to give a final nod to @AhsokaJackson. Although she submitted her reviews after the deadline, she loaded them with a lot of data I will use in tweaking the chapters. I loved reading her reactions and what she was thinking throughout the chapters. She even went the extra mile and read all of the chapters in the chapter arc as well as a few more beyond it. Bravo!

_____

Many of you have mentioned you now want to the watch the Star Wars movies. It's best to keep the reveals in the right order. I recommend the following viewing order:

The Original Trilogy: 4 - A New Hope, 5 -The Empire Strikes Back, 6 - Return of the Jedi

The Sequels: 7 - The Force Awakens, 8 - The Last Jedi (releasing Dec 2017)

The Early Prequels (poor dialogue, poor directing, poor editing, poor acting): 1 - The Phantom Menace (read the Wikipedia summary [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Wars:_Episode_I_%E2%80%93_The_Phantom_Menace] and watch the YouTube clip of the Duel of the Fates [https://youtu.be/yHqdESArkqU]), 2 - Attack of the Clones (read the Wikipedia summary [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Wars:_Episode_II_%E2%80%93_Attack_of_the_Clones])

The Clone Wars animated series (Anakin's character is developed here)

The Late Prequels: 3 - Revenge of the Sith, Rebels animated series, and Rogue One

_____

One last question... Which of the following genres would you place this book in? Action? Adventure? General Fic? Mystery-Thriller? Romance? (Do not choose sci-fi, fanfic, or fantasy.)

Thank you so much for spending your time and efforts on the chapters, especially to those who have no familiarity with Star Wars and those who dislike fanfiction in general. I appreciate the support of the entire NBR family. I hope you'll continue interacting with my stories outside of NBR.

May the Force be with you!

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