👉 Press that Star!

Announcement: Every few months, NBR conducts Homework Rounds to upkeep the quality review standards our culture embrace: Diplomacy, Tact, and Honesty. Your homework  is to read (and re-read if you've already done so) all of this chapter:

https://www.wattpad.com/271638421-next-big-recognition-contest-nbr-comment-tips (The Comment Tips Chapter of this book)

You have from the launch of  this round until the end of round 86 (June 4th) to complete the Homework. I implore you to complete this homework sooner than later because the Enforcers will be conducting a Comment Cleanse in round 86.

Commenting time frame (CST): May 20 - May 29 (added day for late publishing on my part)

Moderator: dawnstarling 'I've chased after roosters while in Key West.'

Comment Topic: How has the author developed a protagonist worth investing in? If you don't feel invested in the protagonist, explain why and how this could be further improved.

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Author #1: Andicook

Book Title: Crash Test Dummy

Specified Chapter: Chapter One

Summary Thus Far in Book:  N/A

Author's Note: After reading the comments of other spotlighted chapters, I am excited about my opportunity for feedback. When I joined Wattpad, I was looking for a community like this one that is supportive and gives helpful commentary. Thanks to DawnStarling and the board for establishing NBR and encouraging us as authors.

1. My story is written by an adult remembering a very traumatic time in his teen years. Is there too much disparity between his voice as narrator and his voice as a teen as expressed through dialogue? If yes, please make suggestions of how this might be fixed. If no, tell me what you like about the two voices.

2. Up until this point, Wayne has been basically a "good" boy. Does Wayne's reaction sound like something a betrayed teen would do when faced with a mother's duplicity?

3. Of necessity, this chapter includes something of Wayne's backstory. While I tried to balance the backstory and Wayne's reaction to the letter, I'm not sure if I succeeded. Did you find the balance appropriate, or should it be changed to include more or less of one or the other? Please explain your answer.

In-line Comment Preference: Welcome

Genre: General Fiction

Rating: PG13

▼Winners▼

➤ Winning Comment:

First of all, congratulations on the spotlight! It was really interesting to read a bit about your background before digging into this, and I'm sure your work as an education director at a prison has added a lovely level of depth to this story!

Before I jump to the questions and the comment topic, I have to say that the first paragraph had me hooked in a heartbeat. "My world imploded on my 14th birthday" was such a powerful opening line, and "The upheaval had nothing to do with raging hormones and everything to do with betrayal" not only added to this, but also introduced the youthful age of the main character. Great job!

As usual, I've gathered a ridiculously long list of notes and quotes (I suppose that's what happens when you save all your words for a long outline review), but I'll try to squeeze them all into this review while also answering your questions. A lot of the minor details I've jotted down (e.g. turning "(sigh)" into "She sighed."/"She'd always sigh at this point.", writing "eight" instead of "8", using italics for Wayne's thoughts, etc.) have already been mentioned, so I'll get right to the 'meat' of this comment!

#QUESTION1

When I first started reading, I was a bit unsure if the narrator would be the older or the younger Wayne, but the line "I wasn't a full fledged rebel yet" (emphasis on "yet") sorted that out for me. While I wouldn't say that there's too much disparity between his narrative voice and his spoken one, I did feel like the line between them was a little bit blurry, mainly because there were both mature and youthful words thrown into the mix. Don't get me wrong – I absolutely loved "bounced at lunch", "the taste was bonk" and "graffiti her world". It really worked with Wayne's young age. The only thing that confused me was that these expressions were paired with words such as "leisure" and "incarcerated". That made it feel like Wayne's narration was a blend of the two ages.

One way to establish/remind the reader that it's the adult Wayne who's narrating these scenes would be to let him reflect on his own language. For example, I noticed a few comments on the use of the word "brews". Instead of changing it to a 'younger' word, a suggestion would be to turn it into: "brews – or booze(/preferred word), as he'd called it back then".

This may not be as much of a direct answer to the question, but I also wanted to comment on the way Wayne reflected on his relationship with his father. The main example of this would be this part: "I examined the writing to see if it looked anything like mine. I sniffed it to see if it had any particular smell. It didn't. I slid my finger under the flap and then pulled it back out. I stuffed the letter in my pocket, raced up the stairs, climbed out my bedroom window, and swung onto the platform of my tree house." There was a sense of innocence to the way he was looking for hints of what his father was like that just worked so wonderfully with the relatively calm start of Wayne's emotional journey!

I'm moving further away from your question here, but while I'm on the topic of this quote, I'll add a little comment on the descriptions used. I really admire all of the details in the mentioned paragraph, but I think combining the sentences/making them longer would create a smoother flow. It could just be me – after all, I'm hopelessly in love with contemporary writing – but I think turning it into something like "I examined the writing to see if it looked anything like mine – I even sniffed it to see if it had any particular smell – but it didn't" would work, too, and it would reduce the risk of a 'choppy' flow. 

This goes for the following part as well:

"He was wearing a light blue shirt and a pair of blue jeans. On the jeans the word inmate was stencilled in orange. Piercing blue eyes stared out of a tanned face. His chin was chiselled, almost like a Mt. Rushmore statue. His nose was straight and narrow, his cheekbones high. His dishwater blond hair was cut with military precision in a buzz cut. He looked fit, like he had been to the gym. His smile was lopsided, with the left higher than the right, and there was one dimple on the right, as though to make up for the fact that his mouth seemed to favour the left side of his face."

I like the detail of the descriptions (the part about the smile was just wonderful!), but I would love to see fewer short sentences. I think this could be solved by rearranging the sentences instead of letting each sentence describe one part of the man's appearance (for example, there might be a way to combine "Piercing blue eyes stared out of a tanned face" and "His chin was chiselled, almost like a Mt. Rushmore statue"). I would also suggest adding the part about the "stencilled inmate" closer to the end of the paragraph rather than at the beginning, because it would allow for the reader to speculate instead of having the conclusion handed over at once, if that makes sense. :)

(Another note here: I'm not usually suggesting semicolons – because I'm as far from an expert as you can get haha – but I do think "I knew that smile. It stared back at me from all of my school pictures." could be written as "I knew that smile; it stared back at me from all of my school pictures." The sentences belong together, in my opinion.)

#QUESTION2

Moving on to the second question, I have to say that the first thing that came to my mind when I read about Wayne's need for vengeance was a hilarious story a family friend told me about her youngest daughter. After a fight (and a long moment of ominous silence), the mother could suddenly hear the girl go "THAT's what I'm gonna do!"

Because of this, the line "That was when I knew how to hurt her" really resonated with me, not only because of its familiarity, but because it's amazingly typical of a kid/teenager.

On a more serious note, though, I definitely think the intensity of Wayne's reaction was vital here. It would make sense for him to explode, especially because he hasn't exploded before. The betrayal he must be feeling here, after so many years of thinking differently of his father's absence and his mother's view of her ex-husband, definitely needs an outlet.

However, I think I would've liked to see a bit more of this brilliant emotion earlier in the chapter, too, because it does feel like it escalates rather quickly. For example, the physical signs of his emotions are present later ("By the time I finished reading, my hands were shaking. I could feel my ears burning, and I was tapping my foot as though a pounding bass was pulsing through my body."), but in the previous part ("When I read those words, I jerked so hard on the paper that it tore. I climbed back in the house, found tape and carefully fastened the letter back together."), his actions are rather calm, despite the fact that he's just managed to rip the paper. Though I've called his sudden feeling of betrayal an explosion, I think I still would've liked to see more of the build-up of emotion.

Apart from the anger expressed in this scene, I think two of the most important parts where these:

1)    "I tore the picture in half, separating my mother and me."

2)    "I became a little spooked. What would Mom do to me?"

The first line was a brilliant symbol of the tear in their relationship, while the second example showed that, despite his anger, Wayne was still a child here. It made me connect with him. I think we've all said and done things that we regret once the moment of heat is over.

#QUESTION3

When it comes to the third question, I would say you've found a nice balance between Wayne's backstory and his reaction to the letter. I especially enjoyed the flashback to the scene in the tree house (with Uncle Clarence, Wayne's father, and Mr. Sneaky Squirrel), because the way it connected to "My good memories of him dated from my preschool years, before the accident and the prescriptions for back pain and his steady decline" was just brilliant. It also gave you a chance to properly introduce Uncle Clarence, which made me go "Aha!" when he then showed up in the father's letter ("Uncle Clarence said that you're good in school. I'm glad."). The only thing I'd recommend here is to make sure to stick to one tense. In the following part, you dropped the "had" after the first two sentences: "Dad and Uncle Clarence had built it for me for my fifth birthday. They had been drinking beer and joking. Dad was standing on the platform..."

By bringing up this memory, you also created a nice segue into the description of the tree house. ("I called it the Funk. It was designed to age with me. There was a back wall and a roof. The other corners were columns. There were roll-down canvases on two sides and the front door was left open, with a sloped roof for rain runoff. I went there to read or hide or when I wanted to feel close to my absent Dad.") Again, I would just recommend taking a look at some of the shorter sentences and seeing if they can be rearranged to create a smoother paragraph. :)

#COMMENTTOPIC

I don't think I've answered this question properly throughout my review, but all I want to say here is that the part that really made me invested in your protagonist was the "explosion". The unpredictability of the scene – and the intensity of his emotions – really stood out, and the fact that he reflected on his fear of ending up in the same place as his father made Wayne delightfully complex!

The line that spoke to me the most, however, is actually not taken from the protagonist's narrative, but it is a line that made me invested in the story as a whole:

"I've learned that books can take you places you can't go physically. I've been all over the world and to alien planets and strange fantasy worlds all while I'm behind the chainlink fence."

This is the kind of quote I would favorite on Goodreads and write on my mirror. It was absolutely wonderful, and it's part of the reason why this chapter was such a treat. You deserve a ridiculously loud "GREAT JOB!" :)

➤ Network with this winner: reaweiger

➤ 1st runner up: Riprish

➤ 2nd runner up: FayLane

➤ Final Author's Note: I wish I could name all of the reviewers who gave helpful comments, but I just can't, so here's to all of you. You made my spotlight week memorable and gave me loads of good suggestions on how to improve my chapter. Two of the most helpful reviewers came in too late to make it in the running for best comments. I appreciate that they took the time to send them even after the deadline expired. NBR reviewers provide awesome feedback. Thanks again, guys.

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Author #2: shellyxleonn

Book Title: The Ghost and the Wolf: Book I of The Broken Series

Specified Chapter: Chapter III: Find the Grave

Summary Thus Far in Book: Penelope, a student reporter, receives a journalism writing award. Shortly afterward, the jealous, petty features editor feeds her a story tip. Penelope can't figure out if it's a hoax or a genuine lead. Yet, she decides to step out of her comfort zone and to follow her cell phone's cryptic instructions. This chapter takes place at Bellefontaine Cemetery, where Penelope has been told to meet her potential story subjects. The TPLPOV protagonist, however, is a new character readers are just now meeting.

Author's Note: Greetings, NBR! I'm a bit of an awkward turtle who struggles to come up with the right words in moments like these, so please excuse me for being brief. Wattpad has allowed me to make my dream of sharing my crappy writing with the world a reality. And being a part of this incredible community of fellow writers/editors/Type A perfectionists/cool humans has been the proverbial icing on the proverbial cake. I've even made some new friends along the way. Gift that keeps on giving, yes? Anyway ... moving on to the aforementioned crappy writing.

Do I create the "right" mood with this setting? It's real, and I want to do it justice. Also, urban exploration is a focus for the entire series, so the settings become their own characters in many chapters.

What are your first impressions of Lex? As I mentioned, he will be protagonist from this point forward. I need you to love him just a little after reading this.

Do I find the right balance between YA and Mystery/Thriller? I realize everybody who writes YA wants everyone to be able to read the story and enjoy it, but yeah... that's essentially what I'm asking.

In-line Comment Preference: Go and do what you feel

Genre: YA Mystery/Thriller

Rating: M/PG-13/PG

▼Winners▼

➤ Winning Comment: Congrats on the spotlight! I never really got into reading young adult after middle school. Paranormal, now that I enjoy every day, all day. It was a definite splash of cool water while reading this. Refreshing.

NOW! Question one: Ah, mood... I mentioned it on one of my in line comments, about how some of the descriptors paints a relaxed mood in the begin. Example: 'were blanketed in long shadows'

Blankets = good. I love being warm. As the story progresses, so does the mood. With the change of temperature, I.E, the warmth seeping into a welcoming chill, that threatens onto a downpour, it is a good tension magnifier, if I may say. I do think the way it's written it doesn't give it too much of a punch in the way of mood because our protag is still enjoying the temp change. It's actually made it more accepting because the discomfort of the day has lessened by the cold. So not really creepy, but different, a threatening calamity. I think I mentioned it in the inline, but I do think the paragraph would be stronger without the 'Late winter and early spring' comment, but that's me.

Even the description of the grave site gives the scene a somber ambiance that floats around the slots. So it's always this bristling ease in which you portray the settings. I'm not scared. I'm not creeped out. Mainly bc our MC is so at home in the cemetery. I don't think you were going for the creeped out atmosphere, anyway, and I really enjoy what you have created.

When I read the amount of peopled laid to rest there, I had to look it up. Is that seriously the amount of bodies buried there? That's a lot. My mom loves the little town, 1800 - 1900 century graveyards. Everytime we're ont he road and we find one she makes it her duty to turn into it and be on the look out. So reading those numbers alarmed me. I don't graveyard hunt other than the itty bitty ones.

#NBR QUESTION 2: You know, Lex has a definite charm to him. The lingerings of an antisocial person. Have you seen Power Rangers, the new one? He kinda reminds me of the black kid on there, doing what him and his father loved to do after the father's death. They aren't the same since Lex is different, not as awkward, I don't think. What makes hima really likable character is when he's speaking to Gladys. Ma'am and helping her on to the cart paints a pretty picture.

Then you get into his guidelines. The specific modifications he needs for his flashlight, the systematic way he deals with his tools and the almost ritualistic set up when he gets to the grave. It makes him unique. Since this is the first time reading about him, we're not going to be immersed so much into him that we root too much for his character, but he is likable. You did a good job making him interesting enough to continue reading about. What's wrong at home, school, what happened to his dad, ect, ect and why is he doing this. It's enough of a mystery to make me want to read onward to find out, and that's good enough.

QUESTION 3: Oh sheesh, man... I don't read much YA. I mean, I've watched movies, Hunger Games, Divergent, stuff like that... books I don't know. They have to be character driven, right? Dealing with teen issues and whatever else mystery your books has. Like the thought of finding yourself, what you were meant to do, like in Divergent. Or being true to yourself against the odds, like in Hunger Games. This covers that in a way. It has the teen flare in it, with the school issues, the social implications of being the odd one, a dead parent and being alone. Finding peace and acceptance anywhere. So I think it can be a good YA since it had those elements.

Question three cont. Now, how have you managed to blend Mystery/thriller and YA? I don't think you need to blend them since YA is... well, the... underlining themes and such and Mystery/thriller are the elements involved. SO don't worry about blending them. UNless you're talking about the school involvement mixed with mystery? Either way, I don't think you should worry about it. It's done well.

COMMENT TOPIC: Have I invested in the MC? I think I answered this in question 2. Yes, he has a charm and an underdog quality to him that let's us feel for his plight. His race adds to it, and you did touch on it, about the already bias towards him being out late like he is. Then his talk with Gladys which makes him a little comedian, and the mystery surrounded why home/school isn't doing too hot. So yea, a likable character who is easily rooted for.

➤ Network with this winner: Riprish

➤ 1st runner up: Andicook

➤ 2nd runner up: painebook

➤ Final Author's Note: Well, I have some work to do. And for once, I'm not dreading this round of revisions. I feel focused, almost eager. I have the #nbr community to thank for my renewed energy. My Spotlight round was not the soul-sucking drain I thought it would be. Instead, everyone ... seriously, everyone ... paired their feedback and suggestions with kindness and praise.

Most of the praise, as I expected, centered on Lex: his unstated loneliness, his obsession/OCD, his unchecked grief. Lex is my creative baby, and I'm glad the #nbr community was eager to embrace him and all of his idiosyncrasies. The constructive criticism focused on tightening my language. Easy to spot in others, hard to self-diagnose, yes? Other suggestions pointed out some imbalance in my description. Most people want less on the equipment, more on that lovely cemetery.

It was nearly impossible to choose, but I selected riprish as the winner. Riprish was able to spot patterns in my wordiness. I will be able to check for similar issues in not just this chapter, but all of my chapters in this book and the rest of the series. Also, Riprish answered every single one of my annoying clarifying questions, including some PMs.

I'm honored to be a part of this community of writers. Hopefully, I'll be able to learn from the incredible feedback I've received so I can enhance my own reviews. We're all here to improve, but we're also here for the connections and bonds. Reach out at any time if I can scratch your back ... back. ;-)

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Author #3 [Prompt Winner]: FayLane

Book Title: The Myriad Chronicles | Book One: The Reader

Specified Chapter: Chapter Nine

Summary Thus Far in Book:

Characters:

1-Guin Hawkins is shipped off to her uncle's home in the country whilst her chronically-ill older sister lies in a London ICU, awaiting a heart-transplant that is unlikely to arrive in time.

2-Lorn Claymore is a young warrior on a quest to save his homeland, the magical realm of Ther. In chapter 1, we learn he is seeking 'a Reader', and travels through a space between dimensions called the Myriad to find his quarry.

3-Matta, Lorn's older sister, is High-Queen of Ther.

Relevant sequence of events thus far:

-Lorn kidnaps Guin from her uncle's backyard and whisked her off to Ther, where she is almost instantly set upon and practically nibbled to bits by tiny carnivorous faeries.

-Lorn rescues Guin, gets punched in the face for his trouble, and eventually convinces her to accompany him to Dwoll, one of the capital cities of Ther and residence of High-Queen Matta.

-After an interview with Lorn & Matta in the castle library, Guin reads aloud a book about botany, accidentally conjures forth a storm of snow and petals, proving she is 'the Reader'.

-Chapter 9 follows the library scene, and explains why Ther needs Guin's unique ability so urgently.

Author's Note: I want to thank everyone who voted for my entry in the NBR prompt challenge, I owe you my expedited spotlight. I was both surprised and delighted when DawnStarling PM'd me the news. I must admit, a Happy Dance ensued. You're all so kind!

Okay, enough gushing, let's get down to business. What we have here is a classic case of 'I've read it so many times it has turned to the worst possible drivel and gibberish'. I wrote this chapter a few months ago. I can't help but feel there's something missing. NBR, I need your help!

My questions:

1): This is an important chapter, as it introduces the main conflict/motive/backstory for the plot. I want to know if the concepts put forth here make sense (in a silly, over-the-top Fantasy context, of course) or if you think I could improve the delivery in any way?

2): My second question is about Guin. I've written her as a somewhat flawed teenager. She's not a typical 'all the guys drool as she swans around saving the world with perfect hair' sort of heroine. How does she seem in terms of personality & her reactions to the situation at hand?

3): I want to know if the emotions of these characters come through clearly, or if they seem wooden. I've improved at writing them since this chapter was published, but I'm unsure as to how (or even if) I can flesh them out more without making the scene melodramatic.

In-line Comment Preference: Welcome!

Genre: High Fantasy/Adventure/YA

Rating: PG

▼Winners▼

➤ Winning Comment:

Comment Topic: How has the author developed a protagonist worth investing in? If you don't feel invested in the protagonist, explain why and how this could further be improved.

I think you can get some of this from just this chapter, but reading the preceding ones definitely helps a lot in establishing Guin and how she is. In particular, her refusal to help because of wanting to be near her sister would probably feel harder to sympathize with if we're just jumping right in and seeing this character as someone who's basically just refusing to help people whose lives are at stake.

Starting from the proper beginning—well really, starting from Chapter 2, as that's where we first meet Guin—we get a clearer idea of what she's like and why she's a likable and sympathetic character.

We get to see that Guin's in a deeply painful and difficult situation at this point. Her sister's in the hospital, and with little chance of surviving, to be realistic. Guin wants to at least be there with her sister, but is no doubt acutely aware of the fact that she can't really provide help. Her sister needs a transplant, not just moral support or company.

And their parents have sent Guin away for the time being, which she doesn't want, but doesn't feel able to argue about with her parents in such a fragile state themselves.

But we don't just get to see what a bad set of circumstances she has; we also get to see some character elements of hers. She clearly loves her sister, and she's also empathetic and sensitive to others' feelings. She shows that in her refraining from fighting with her parents, and also in how she took the hint and stayed quiet during the car ride, as well as in how she tries to put on a brave face and not bring the mood down once she arrives at her grandparents' place.

She also shows toughness and determination in how she tries to cope and not simply stay broken down.

From there, once she starts interacting with Lorn and then Matta, we get to see how relatable and believable Guin and her responses are. The fact that she initially thought Lorn was some cosplayer is a great early example of that. What's more, she's not fantastic when under a lot of pressure and confronted with completely out-of-the-ordinary circumstances like that—which is another thing that makes her believable, even if we have to cringe a bit. Instead of instantly being able to spit out a witty comment or confident threat/warning, she has to mentally scramble to try to come up with something that she hopes will take care of this guy. It can definitely be really hard to think straight under pressure—and this was the danger-related kind of pressure, to boot.

I've mentioned this anecdote before, but to note it again briefly, there's a pretty great example of this issue in an encounter I had with a couple of loose dogs. Now, I was able to do a surprising amount of strategizing in a matter of seconds, and by God's grace got my younger sister out of the situation entirely unscathed, and myself out with only tiny injuries. However, even with all my mental wrangling and the fact that things turned out rather well, there was one big thing I had to shake my head at: it took me considerably longer that I felt it should have for me to realize that I had an item with me that I could use as a shield and decoy rather than using my danged arm for that job! It's funny how you can miss the most obvious of things when put on the spot. And I think many people can relate to that feeling. And it doesn't have to be anything so dramatic; it could simply be something like not thinking of a great and seemingly obvious point until AFTER a debate or argument is over. So while the snappy comebacks and on-point characters are cool and entertaining, people like Guin are endearing and relatable (even if we do have to cringe sometimes, heh).

And to her credit, she did manage to distract the guy briefly and put some distance between him and herself. Nice!

And moving on we get to see Guin's anger and suspicion towards Lorn, which is both reasonable and downright intelligent on her part—yet she's that same pragmatism also means that she refrains from knocking him out and also realizes the urgency of her need to get to a safer place before nightfall.

Additionally, the author has put in details (like the bladder issues) throughout the book so far that keep us down to earth and remind us of the types of troubles and inconveniences one could easily have if a situation like this actually took place in the messy, imperfect world of real life.

And finally there's the fact that Guin herself is a lover of books and reading. Not surprisingly, that seems to be a popular trait for main characters on Wattpad. However, I feel like the author here delves in deeper than usual in describing how significant books are to Guin, and I think that's a great point of connection for the audience.

So by the time we get to this chapter, I think we understand Guin's character enough to not be so surprised at her stubbornness over the matter with her sister, and the fact that she's flawed and messy enough to initially take a stance that is illogical and unpleasant but probably not far-fetched. It's one thing for us to be able to stand back pragmatically and weigh people in terms of numbers and logic. But just how illogical and irrational might we be if a loved one of ours was dying?

If you've read the preceding chapters already, I think we get her enough to understand she isn't just being a cold, heartless pill right now; she can actually be sensitive and empathetic. It's just that she loves and looks up to her sister, isn't in the best frame of mind right now, and is ticked off at Lorn and Matta for snatching her away from her sister and family and just assuming that she'll drop everything to help them and possibly not be with her sister in her last days of life. "She's gonna die anyways and there's nothing you can do, so you might as well help us" isn't the most emotionally compelling and sensitive appeal to make, after all.

So those elements that make Guin feel relatable, likable, and sympathetic—and also help to mitigate her rougher edges (she could've come off as just an immature brat without those and the larger context provided)—are what I feel have helped create a character whom we're interested in and would like to see grow and mature. She's definitely got some jagged bits to be smoothed out and plenty of room for growth as a person, but I think we're willing and pleased to hang out here and watch that happen.

And of course the high dual stakes here help; she's trying to save her sister and also a whole world. So that alone creates a lot of interest, and all things considered, it seems like Guin and also Lorn & Matta will be entertaining to take that journey with.

Author's Questions:

Hello again, Faera! I hope you're doing well today. Now, let's get started with the questions!

1) This is an important chapter, as it introduces the main conflict/motive/backstory for the plot. I want to know if the concepts put forth here make sense (in a silly, over-the-top Fantasy context, of course) or if you think I could improve the delivery in any way?

Well I actually love your concept here. It feels cool and creative, and also appeals to some spiritual concepts that matter to me.

And the sections of the chapter focusing on that aspect were great.

For me the issues were earlier on, with some of the jumbled thoughts and dialogue and whatnot. But the part you're asking about worked great for me.

And after having read the 8 previous chapters, I can say I'm sold on the concept by now.

2) My second question is about Guin. I've written her as a somewhat flawed teenager. She's not a typical 'all the guys drool as she swans around saving the world with perfect hair' sort of heroine. How does she seem in terms of personality & her reactions to the situation at hand?

Well, I think it's safe to say that I've already answered that question throughout my notes, and especially so in my answer to the comment topic combined with my line-editing notes in Chapter 9 where I comment on Guin's initial refusal to acquiesce.

And in the comment topic I really give a summary of different aspects of Guin's character, how she comes off, and why she's appealing, since those are the elements that help create that sense of investment asked about in the comment topic.

3. I want to know if the emotions of these characters come through clearly, or if they seem wooden. I've improved at writing them since this chapter was published, but I'm unsure as to how (or even if) I can flesh them out more without making the scene melodramatic.

Oh, they weren't wooden at all! While the initial parts of the chapter felt very messy and not up to the same standard as usual, those arguments and escalating tension between the three characters were by contrast elements that were successful and really well done overall. I definitely would not recommend trying to amp things up any further or make them more dramatic, because I do think that they actually would become melodramatic at that point. (Just as a reminder, I estimated in my note for chapter 9 that the part where Guin folds her arms and tells Matta to start explaining is about where the chapter resumes being consistently good for the rest of its duration.)

Additional Notes:

Some quick notes before we start:

(Refresher on my editing approach)

For my edits, I'll simply show the revised version of a sentence or paragraph, and then note within brackets what changes were made—and may also elaborate on why, if I feel further explanation of the change is needed. Also, because my edits often involve punctuation, I try to keep things exact. For example, if a specific sentence was at the beginning of a multi-sentence quote, so it has an opening quotation mark but not a closing one, then that's how I'll write it in my revision. (Ps. There are times where I'll simply show the unrevised version of a sentence or passage, and note my recommendations, but leave it to the author to determine how to revise it).

Also, since I can't italicize comments, I use asterisks to mark off the scope of italicization when needed.

Additionally, in order to avoid having comments automatically flagged, I have to alter cursewords by using alterations, like accent marks that aren't normally present in the word. Please just disregard those when you see them.

All right, then—here we go!

Ps. If any of my comments come off tersely, they're not intended that way; it tends to be an issue of time. The less time I have to spare, the more sparse and direct I'll be in my writing. And of course I'll make subsequent notes shorter when addressing an issue I've already covered. Sometimes "semicolon added" or "unneeded comma removed" is all I feel is needed.

Okay, I gotta be honest...the punctuation throughout this chapter—particularly with regards to the dialogue—was driving me a bit nuts. I will still make a few notes about individual parts, but for the most part I'll just leave it to you, because going through all this and determining which individual instances of punctuation worked and which didn't...

I think it's partly because of how frantic and disorganized the sentences feel early on. Punctuation and wording are major parts of how you create flow, so I think how helter-skelter it feels is just too much for me right now and is why I can't figure out even works here individually; the overall picture is off for me.

It isn't until several pages into the chapter that it really hits its stride and gets back to that same solid writing that I saw and enjoyed in the previous 8 chapters. It's a bit hard to pinpoint, because the thing is that those early parts are uneven, and have a mix of good and bad. But I'd say at the point where Guin folds her arms and tells Matta to get talking—that's the starting point where it really gets back to being consistently good from there onwards.

Next: Guin was getting tired of not knowing anything. All this new information was exhausting. [I think I kinda get what you're saying here, but it still ends up coming off as contradictory; you say she's tired of the lack of information yet in the very next sentence indicate that she's overwhelmed by the flood of new info.]

Next: Guin saw Matta's hands flex on the table's edge, as if her fingers craved the cold hilt of a sword. Her eyes fixed on something far away, drowning in memories of blood, battle and loss. She shook herself, and continued, "The old man's final words were a curse, dooming his creation to slow decay—for you see, we did not fully understand his power over us. It seems that by his will alone, we exist. Now he has been dead these seven years, and our world, for want of its master, is fading." [Fantastic paragraph here!]

Next: "The Sorcerer kept a book, a book in which he recorded the story of Ther. When he read from that book, he created all that you see on this map. Whatever he wrote became our reality. We believe—" another darting glance at Lorn. [What you've done here doesn't quite fit neatly into either box, but based on the information contained in these two posts...

...it looks like it would need to be punctuated one of three ways:

"The Sorcerer kept a book, a book in which he recorded the story of Ther. When he read from that book, he created all that you see on this map. Whatever he wrote became our reality. We *believe*"—another darting glance at Lorn. "We believe that if one as powerful as the Sorcerer, if a true *Reader* could see that book, our world would cease to crumble."

"The Sorcerer kept a book, a book in which he recorded the story of Ther. When he read from that book, he created all that you see on this map. Whatever he wrote became our reality. We *believe*..." Another darting glance at Lorn. "We believe that if one as powerful as the Sorcerer, if a true *Reader* could see that book, our world would cease to crumble."

"The Sorcerer kept a book, a book in which he recorded the story of Ther. When he read from that book, he created all that you see on this map. Whatever he wrote became our reality. We *believe*"—another darting glance at Lorn—"we believe that if one as powerful as the Sorcerer, if a true *Reader* could see that book, our world would cease to crumble."]

Next: Guin's jaw dropped. They had kidnapped her, dragged her all this

way, and they didn't even have the bloody book? She felt a powerful urge to punch Lorn in the face again. [Haha, love it!]

Next: "The book was lost during the Rebellion. We believe it's hidden in one of his former hideouts," Lorn supplied, recognizing the danger signals and prudently putting a chair between himself and Guin's infuriated glare. [Ha, this bit cracked me up! And it's always fun to see smart characters in fiction, because we often see characters instead who seem to lack common sense ("Let's just stand and stare at our doom approaching.) This guy actually has the sense, self-awareness, and memory to put some space and a physical shield between himself and this girl.]

Next: "I have been to your realm, Guin," said Lorn. "Its magic is settled, and slow, like roots spread far and wide beneath an ancient tree. In a young world such as ours, magic is as plentiful as the air we breathe. It runs through us like blood quickened by a chase. Your talent, while it may have lain long dormant in your own dimension, is magnified here. So, you are a Sorceress, of sorts." [Changed comma after "Lorn" to period. Made "magic" ("...magic is as plentiful...") lowercase.

I definitely like the paragraph overall, but I feel like this one sentence...

It runs through us like blood quickened by a chase.

...is perhaps a bit much, and that the paragraph may function better without it.]

Next: Man, this tension as Guin and Matta are arguing...whew!

Next: I think Guin's level of defiance here is actually pretty believable, and also makes her unique as a character. I think we kinda expect at this point to see her give in and listen to reason and make the noble choice and all that, and she basically comes back with "Screw you and yours." Not saying I'm happy with her, but I think it's a good curveball to give. She's unapologetically stubborn here, and just says to heck with Matta and Lorn's expectations, as well as those of the audience.]

Next: Both females turned to stare at him.

"What?" asked Guin. "I'm not changing my mind. She's my sister." [Changed paragraphing here. Also changed the comma after "Guin" to a period, and did the same for the comma after "mind." However, you could replace that second comma with an em dash instead.]

Next: "I have been thinking. The Sorcerer lived for thousands of years."

OR: "I have been thinking—the Sorcerer lived for thousands of years." [Replaced comma with alternate punctuation. Standard reason—independent clauses that need to be joined with suitable punctuation.]

Next: I appreciate the role that Lorn is playing here, as the mediator and voice of reason during this argument.

Summary:

Weaker points:

The biggest issue throughout both the chapter and the book so far has definitely been the errors with regards to things like grammar and punctuation, especially with regards to how the dialogue is done.

Stronger points:

1. I've again seen your great ability to paint beautiful, rich pictures and create worlds, as well as your attention to detail. You've also shown improvement by reining those aspects in to keep them from becoming too overbearing. The balance you've achieved here vs the last spotlight definitely shows you've been able to take the advice given and execute it well—and without falling to the other extreme and excessively stripping back what is one of the best aspects of your writing.

2. I really enjoyed the characters here and especially the way that they interacted with each other. It felt intelligent and entertaining, and rang true. When I find the time (some day, ha...) I'm very much looking forward to continuing to watch them and getting to see how things play out.

➤ Network with this winner: AhsokaJackson

➤ 1st runner up: reaweiger

➤ 2nd runner up: PedanticAndGrumpy

➤ Final Author's Note: Hello everyone! Thanks, as always, for an amazing spotlight week. I was inundated with an incredible array of thoughtful reviews, so picking a winner was no less difficult for me than before. Seriously, will you guys please stop being so darn awesome? It's killing me!

*sigh*

Anyway, since I can't very well chuck a Piñata stuffed with goodies at every single gorgeous genius who reviewed my chapter, I'll have to settle for just three.

*eghem*

*taps mic*

*flexes throwing arm*

AhsokaJackson wins this one because she's a badass reviewer and I will be using her notes like a textbook. I bow down to your infinite grammar wisdom, O Revered Jedi Master of punctuation! You worked so hard on this, and your insight is truly valuable to me.

*throws Piñata stuffed with lightsabers, goth jewellery, and a taser*

1st Runner up:

reaweiger Because your feedback on improving characterization was spot-on, and a catalyst for my own ideas. I think I know what needs fixing now, and I can't thank you enough.

*throws Piñata stuffed with chocolate, pixie-dust, and a Hogwarts acceptance letter*

2nd Runner up:

PedanticAndGrumpy Because you cottoned on to the end of the chapter being a problem first. Plus, loads of helpful inline grumbling.

*throws Piñata stuffed with croissants, Lego for the kid, and some soap to wash out yer filthy mouth*

Honorable mentions:

redtoadmediaFor being kind and witty and supportive, even when it seemed like nobody could tolerate the poor tactless idiot or Guin.

Echo4Echo For making me Google military acronyms every time you leave a comment, and being generally too nice.

LLMontez For showing up and blessing me with both wisdom and Duchovny, even though it was tragically too late.

TimothyMarsh For being honest and thoughtful and half-asleep.

And many, many more, especially those of you who've actually started reading this ridiculous bit of fluff. Thank you all.

~Faera