amazing art by Midonix

I'd live for you, that's harder to do
even harder to say when you know it's not true.
-Twenty One Pilots, Ride

Phil

There's no time to think. Even before we've stepped out of the clearing I can see the brake lights coming on, giving us mere seconds to get in.

As it is, my heart near stops when I catch sight of someone's eyes glancing in the drivers-side mirror, the eyes a piercing blue that confirm my worst suspicions.

They're looking ahead, not at us, but those eyes are undoubtedly Earring's. I'm still not sure what has happened- my heart is racing far too fast to be healthy and I can't understand why the world has flipped upside down. All I know is something is wrong, very wrong.

The time between Dan and I bursting from the brush line can't take more than a few seconds but in this tense situation, it feels like hours.

All I can think of is James, struggling as he was forced into the truck by his own father. Of Beard as his brother pointed a gun at him.

The truck lurches forward just as we manage to jump into the lifted tailgate. My hand has only just latched into the edge when I feel it slip- Dan's arm shooting out and catching me by his his fingers bunched into the collar of my shirt. If he lets go of me now I'll be falling onto my back into the gravel from the back of a moving vehicle.

The truck picks up speed as he catches me and it ends up throwing us forward into the truckbed, both of us collapsing into the pile of tarps that only weeks ago we'd hidden under as they'd smuggled us all into Broxbourne. And still we don't know exactly what's happening- or what to do next.

It's odd, being back in Earring's truck. Last time we were hiding from the outside, now we're hiding in it, from the people who hid us. Life feels slanted and distorted, like everything's been turned on its side and been expected to act as normal.

The moment we're both sat up again we press ourselves back against the walls of the truck, not wanting to be seen in the rearview mirror. I can hear Dan's uneven breaths softly next to me, my hear still pounding because the danger isn't over yet.

We don't dare to move. The roar of the engine is loud and it drowns out the majority of the sounds we make, but it's still a miracle that as far as I can tell, we haven't been noticed. Earring must be exceptionally on edge and distracted if the jostle of the truckbed didn't catch his attention, the situation still chaotic.

What the hell is wrong with him? I still can't understand what's happening. In the back window of the truck cover I see the camp getting further and further away, the columns of smoke from breakfast campfires rising up into the air.

The moment we're both sat up again we press ourselves back against the walls of the truck, not wanting to be seen in the rearview mirror. I can hear Dan's uneven breaths softly next to me, my hear still pounding because the danger isn't over yet.

Beard is driving fast, much faster than these narrow streets allow. Clearly he's in a hurry and he doesn't want to be seen. Were thrown a bit every time the truck lurches, and it only takes me moments to realize that someone is arguing.

"This is crazy." I hear suddenly. "You aren't seriously helping the confederation get away with this?"

It's Beard. He sounds both angry and incredulous, confirming at least that he isn't in on whatever this is.

He's answered by stony silence and I get the feeling Earring is ignoring him, either avoiding the topic or too angry to respond.

"You're the spy." Beard insists, and his voice has risen slightly. "You're the fucking spy that nearly got Phil killed. Do you seriously think they're going to leave Micheal alone now that you-"

My heart drops in my chest, so much clarity suddenly hitting me and Earring finally cutting in.

"-If you say any more of this in front of James I'll make you shut up. Stop asking questions." He snaps.

I see a curly head in the back window and realize it's James, huddled by the open window without speaking a word. He isn't talking- he isn't moving at all. He's shrunken away from his father and I can see even from here that he's shaking. My heart physically hurts for him.

"What are you going to tell the campers?!" Beard insists, stubbornly speaking anyway despite the dangerous atmosphere. "You think they won't find out what you're doing?"

There's a bump in the road and it jostles us slightly. He makes a turn.

"And who's going to tell them?" Earring snaps. "Not you."

"I will."

"You're supposed to be my brother." The petulant tone makes it obvious that he wants Beard to feel guilty, and I can feel myself getting angrier. "You can't hide from this you know. They know who you are too."

Dan looks at me, eyes wide and slightly angry. The pieces are slowly coming together.

"You're being selfish." Beard snaps. "Sacrificing your-"

"Not in front of James!" Earring shouts.

"Oh, what's said to James matters now?!" Beard shouts. "When you've fucking forced him into your truck?!"

"The confederation just wants to hold him, not hurt him." Earring says flatly. "He's going to be fine."

The confederation?

"He's taking him to them." Dan hisses under his breath. "He's fucking taken James away from the camp because-"

James turns his head, alarmed by Dan's voice, and my heart rams right against my chest.

The other two men are still arguing and don't even see he's turned his head, but his eyes are red and watery and he looks so, so scared.

For a moment we just stare at each other. James glances back at his dad to see if the man's looking but he isn't, then looks back at us desperately like we might disappear.

Dan meets James's eyes, raising a finger to his lips. Be quiet.

James nods, biting his lip as a tear slides down his face. He's terrified, my heart aching at how close he looks to crying. His small hands go to his mouth and he trembles as he tries to stifle the sound, watery lines streaking down his cheeks.

I meet his eyes and look at him reassuringly, gesturing to Dan and I both and nodding my head gently.

It's all right. I try to tell him with my eyes. You're going to be okay.

The trouble is, it's all become perfectly clear now. The confederation has done something. They've somehow manipulated Earring enough that he's willing to kidnap his own son and brother, taking them away at gunpoint without a word to the resistance. Now he's fighting himself, trying to force himself not to crack under the remorse afterwards.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Beard asks quietly. Despite his brother's threats, he still isn't dropping it.

"I didn't say I've done anything."

There's a tense, angry silence and I can tell Beard can see right through the lies.

He breathes out slowly. "We both know you have."

"Why are you trying to stop me?" Earring exclaims immediately, seeing to scramble in the face of his own denial.

"Are you fucking kidding?!" Beard shouts, drawing back a moment later and looking at James with wide eyes. Trying to comfort him, I realize.

James sniffs, and Earring shoots him a glare. "Stop crying." He spits.

"Don't talk to him like that!" Beard glares at him. "This is idiotic. Go back to the camp, tell Jack what they're doing. Tell Dan and Phil what the danger is. I can't believe you're betraying our friends."

The other man's eyes remain on the road, acting as if he hasn't even heard him. He drives even faster, taking us deeper into the city with no idea of the destination. I have a guess though, by now it's not hard to guess. I still don't understand what he's done, why he's doing it.

"Friends." He says quietly. "This is about survival, there are no friends anymore. I'm not owing my life to two lovers who are wanted dead by thousands of people. I'm keeping the kids safe."

"You think telling them the entire Resistance's plan is going to do that?!" Earring's glare is deadly but Beard keeps going, glaring right back determinedly. "That's what you're doing, isn't it? They were talking about a spy among us after the Man somehow knew when we were storming their building. Do you know what would happen if you did that again? The confederation let them in last time. Copper this is the one chance we have to change everything."

The silence is palpable now and not even the roaring engine feels like much, unremarkable buildings still racing by the windows like nothing's going wrong.

"One of two twenty something guys is immune, so what?" Earring cuts in harshly. "The confederation promised to reward us, reward us both. The only thing we're going to get out of helping the resistance is death. It was because of Dan that they came to the camp, that was a warning and people died."

He doesn't know about Dan. My mind realizes. He was gone from the fire last night where we talked about our plans, probably plotting this morning while the camp was getting drunk. I see Dan thinking as much when he meets my eyes briefly. He looks angry at this exclamation of blame.

"Dan couldn't control that!" Jamie blurts, almost immediately shrinking back when his father rounds on him. The truck jerks, Earring's arm going stiff, and I can't believe he's been so corrupted. He ignores James and slams his foot on the gas pedal, so sudden it throws me against Dan.

"We've gone too far, I can't go back now." Earring tells his brother lowly. I see James jerk back at those words like a physical blow, the ignoring action almost as effective as shoving the boy into a corner.

"You know you're making excuses." Beard retorts.

"I'm not here to be noble." He growls. "If I back out of this now, the Man will know and the confederation will kill us both. There's a reason no one escapes them."

"We have!" Beard shouts. "That was our job, stealing. I thought we were smugglers. And so what? We'll go undercover. We'll dye the kids' hair blond. We'll tell the camp the truth."

"They'll hate us. No. You can't change my mind." Earring snaps. "Don't make me point a gun at you again."

"Dad, stop!" Jamie cries. His eyes are red and tear filled now, hurt by what's happening to his family. "You're scaring me-"

"Well good!" Earring yells. "Maybe you'll stop hanging off Dan every time you see him then. You need to grow up and realize that being with them is going to get you killed, and that your brother or your father is more important some fun you think you're having. You put us all in danger you-"

"Copper!" Earring shouts. I feel Dan's hand clamp on my wrist and realize he's seething,  something burning behind his eyes at the injustice of everything. James chokes out a broken sound.

"Don't you cry." Earring growls, looking at James as he turns without daring to speak.

I try to assure James again but he won't lift his head, his shoulders shaking with the effort not to make a sound.

"You're scaring him!" Earring yells. "Don't you see that you're-"

"Don't." He sounds like he's daring James, and though his eyes are no longer on the kid, I can see the little boy cowering whenever his father's gaze flicks to him in the rearview mirror.

Do something. My mind shouts. What can I do though? I'm afraid of getting someone hurt.

"They make me happy." James says weakly. I hear him say it, and it hurts because I know he knows we can hear it.

"I don't see them coming to get you." Earring shoots his brother a look and the man just stares at him angrily. "We're not going back to that camp again."

James shudders and I see his father tense immediately daring him to do it, and almost seems like he can. The atmosphere is so tense it's electric. One single wrong move could set this exploding into sparks.

It's quiet until James can't stop himself, only a trembling of his lip to give warning before a broken sob shudders out of him even as he presses a palm to his mouth to try and silence it. Next to me Dan goes rigid, and the little boy begins to cry.

My heart drops when I see Earring stiffen, his fingers on the wheel going taut. Next to me, Dan has frozen.

Beard exclaims something in protest, but the man turns around all the same. My breath catches as I see the impossible amount of rage in Earring's eyes, the features wild and unrecognizable.

"Stop crying!" He snaps, whipping around in his seat with that same cold, hard look he'd worn earlier, the truck swerving recklessly as his eyes leave the road. "I don't have time for this!"

His arm shoots forward, fisting the collar of his son's shirt and yanking forward roughly. Before I can even blink he's moving to hit him and Beard is beginning to yell.

And I know it's about to happen. It's so awful, so much dread in just the notion that my heart leaps in my chest, terror ripping through me.

I can't take it. I can't watch this happen.

I suddenly don't care about being seen. I don't think about what comes next, I don't think about Dan's thoughts next to me, the truck is still moving but Earring's turning in his seat, looking to his son without a trace of remorse.

He raises his hand, whipping it up so that the threat in the notion is there, so that James can see it coming before it happens. He pulls it back, and I know Dan is moving forward but before he can even make a sound I snap.

"Stop!" I scream just before the man's slap makes contact with his son's face, stopping the hand instantly so it hovers midair.

The truck lurches as Earring jumps, James falling backward with a strangled cry.

I'm nearly thrown forward with the force of the truck as it brakes. I see Beard's wide eyes go to me and al three of them stare at us in deadly silence, eyes flung firm me to Dan in a way that makes adrenaline flood my veins.

"Phil?!" Earring gasps suddenly.

James flinches back with wide eyes, fixed completely on the hand of his father still hovering above his face as if he can't believe that had actually almost happened. The truck is stopped now and my heart is thudding against my chest, filling my ears in the silence so that it's hard to breathe. Our presence is no longer a secret but it was inevitable anyway, and it's not like I was about to stay silent when Earring was literally about to hit Jamie.

He stares at us darkly and I feel Dan's arm tense behind me, reminding me quite suddenly that he has Harley's gun in his hand. Earring hasn't seen it yet, only able to see us through the vantage of the back window.

"Why are you here?!" He snaps.

I see Beard shaking his head at us, begging us not to speak, but it's far too little and far too late. No words are springing to mind for me to say, and Dan has gone stonily silent. All I can think about is how Earring had pointed a gun at his brother earlier.

"Ph-Phil." Jamie whimpers our weakly, scrambling out from underneath his father's arm and through the back window before I can stop him. I lurch forward and gather him in my arms and he falls into the truckbed before his father can grab him back, Beard's arm going out to stop him which draws out an incredulous sound.

My heart drops when I feel James's form press right up against me, shaking so hard it shouldn't be possible as he sobs into my chest. Can't be, because there's no way this can be happening.

Earring, now that I can see him, looks terrified too but in a different way. He looks as if he's been caught out, eyes wild like the confederation is about to swoop in and arrest him any second.

"Why are you here?" He spits, voice lower this time. "You can't be here."

"What the hell are you doing?!" Dan shouts, startling me with the intensity. "You lied to us."

Earring stops the truck and glares at his brother, who stares at him wide-eyed for the coldness.

"Drive." He orders, grabbing his shoulder sleeve and yanking him across the centre console. He never takes his eyes off us and Beard does what he's told, shooting us a look that I don't understand as he shifts slowly into the seat, careful so as not to set off the other man.

"Copper." Beard protests. "You don't have to go through with this. I know we talked about it but we can't-"

"Drive!" Earring spits. He glares at his brother and the man shrinks, staring at his brother like he's lost his mind. Maybe he has.

"You're the spy." Dan gasps shakily. "You're the spy."

I realize this is more personal to him than it is to any of us. It was because of the spy that Wirrow knew we specifically were going to the junkyard that day. It was that location that allowed the man to release the mutated zombies that tried to take our lives. Because of him, Dan had seen one bite me and watched me die right there in his arms. It was because of this man that he'd thought he'd lost me, and I realize he blames him for why he knows what it feels like for me to be gone.

Earring just stares at him, looking so scared and angry simultaneously that his shaking hands are hardly the giveaway. Dan's stares right back and I feel my mouth go dry, closing my arms around James as he continues to shudder.

Earring's eyes are wild, he turns back to us without hesitation and let's the motions of the truck drive him forward. Before I have time to register what's happening he's in the backseat and he reaches to his side to grab his weapon, whipping up his hand and aiming his gun straight at my head.

Dan jolts forward. "No!"

"Dad!" Jamie screams, his voice panicked and tears streaming down his cheeks. "Stop it!"

Earring ignores him. I have to push my hand against Dan's chest to stop him from lurching in front of me, from shielding me with his body. He's shaking, his wrist faltering at his waist. Earring doesn't know that Dan has Harley's gun tucked into his waistband and he can't pull it out right now anyway. If he does, someone might get shot.

"Now you're going to do exactly what I tell you to." Earring says lowly. "If you try anything-" he looks at me- "I'll shoot him."

Dans eyes are wide and Jamie is really crying now. Earring's hands are unsteady, the barrel of the gun is pointed right at my forehead but it's trembling.

It's such a broken, familiar threat by now. Do this or the other one gets it. What's awful is the fear doesn't diminish each time. It's effective. Every time it happens, we find ourselves here again.

"What are you doing?!" Dan protests. "Have you lost your mind?"

I've gone stock-still, not daring to move.

"Maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do." Earring says lowly.

And it throws me, it does. The cold, detached tone. It's almost as if he really doesn't care, and I can see Beard glancing back surreptitiously with wide, worried eyes.

"Why?" Dan asks unexpectedly. "Why are you doing this?!"

"I don't have to explain anything I do to you." He spits. "James. Let go of him."

James squeaks in fear and hurriedly backs away, pressing himself against the wall, he doesn't climb back into the truck.

Dan doesn't relent. "Why are you letting the confederation tell you what to do?!"

"They found out about our family." Earring snaps. "Maybe it was my wife. You're not supposed to know about that but I know James has fucking told you, good I guess. No secrets here."

His tone is clipped and sarcastic. His hold on the gun stiffens slightly.

"In a nutshell, they knew about the smuggling thing and they found out we harboured you. I don't know why or how, I'm sure it's fairly obvious since we all arrived togther at that camp. I'm not the only spy, there's other ears and eyes. On the night they attacked the camp, they threatened me."

I see Dan's hand twitch toward the gun he's hiding again and I grip his wrist to stop him, breath bated in my throat.

"And what did they say?" I ask faintly.

"To tell them where you were and bring you to them. They left me alive like it was some kind of privilege, brought me back my truck and told me to get the job done. But I refused them at first. This time, they said to give them James and William tried to stop me." His eyes twitch to his brother, than almost immediately away out of guilt.

"You don't have to do this." Dan says firmly.

"Yes I do."

"Why? Give me one good reason."

"I don't need your sympathy!" Earring shouts. "Look at you two being all noble, saving my poor child from his horrible father. Sneaking into my truck instead of minding your own business. You two just don't know how to stay out of trouble do you?"

Dan tenses, anger creasing his face and making my heart skip a beat when I see the warning signs.

"No, oddly enough we don't." Dan says coldly.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't turn you in right now." Earning says lowly, but he's not looking at Dan. He's looking at me.

I mean to retort something cutting, or maybe something clever that would genuinely help both of us. The problem is, I'm just Phil. I'm scared and I'm anxious and I'm positively terrified and I can't just persuade him when the question isn't obviously serious. He's already made up his mind.

His gun is still pointed at my head and he wants to turn us in and hand over his son. There's nothing I can say that will get Dan out of danger.

So I don't say anything. I lunge forward and raise my hand, seizing hold of Earring's wrist and yanking it down.

He jerks back, eyes going murderous. Dan shouts in alarm and I'm trying to pry the gun from the man's hand, his arm jerking wildly trying to yank out of my grip.

I manage to yank him forward before he lifts the shotgun and brings the butt of it down hard against my forehead, pain exploding in my temple as he slams it against my skin.

"Phil!" Dan gasps and Jamie screams as I fall back, Dan already lurching forward and colliding his first with the edge of Earring's jaw.

"Fuck you!" Earring screams. "Who do you think you are, trying to stop me?!"

The gun is still in his hand and when my palm comes away from my forehead I find blood, eyes frozen on it for an instant before I see Beard looking back- just as Earring moves to pull the trigger.

"Dan! Phil!" Beard shouts desperately, distracting Earring enough for him to also shout out "Grab the wall!"

I don't know what he means but James does, diving to the edge of the truck bed and gripping onto the tailgate. It hits me a split second before it hits Dan- I leap to the side of the truck and grab onto his arm with the other, yanking him into my arms so that my hands are clutching the gate too before Beard swerves suddenly, nearly yanking Dan right out of my grasp before he falls and grabs on too.

Then, Beard brakes hard and swerves.

I have to shut my eyes as the whole vehicle spins, the force of the turn so harsh it yanks us all sideways. There's a pull in my wrist and a jerk to my shoulder, the pull is near painful but I strain not to let go, knowing the pain will be way worse if I do. We have something to hold onto, so as the truck turns in a dangerously fast one-eighty and the tires squeak as we're thrown I just keep my eyes shut, bracing for the force.

Earring however, was focused on us. Not even wearing a seatbelt, there's no small sound as he pitches to the side, hitting the inner wall of the truck and disappearing from our sight.

James screams as the thud cuts the air, the whole world spinning around us dizzyingly as tarps and buckets and other objects slide past us from the force. My eyes feel dizzy, my shoulder jolts, there's one last pull and then suddenly- quite abruptly- we've stopped.

The truck halts, next to me I can hear Dan breathing heavily. He slumps against me, and faintly I notice that Earring's gun is now sitting at our feet from where he's dropped it. The engine is still running but we've all gone deathly still, my heart dropping in my chest as I realize what Beard did to save us.

"Copper." Beard whispers. I wonder if we were meant to hear it. The man hasn't made a sound, and I see James's eyes go wide.

Despite myself I'm lurching to the window, Dan following close behind as my knee hits the barrier and I look down with trepidation. James is close behind, not holding back in sobbing now.

He can't be dead. My mind gasps. No, he can't be. He wasn't right-

The man is lying sprawled on the backseat, a bruise blooming on his forehead and blood trickling from his nose. His eyes are shut but when Jamie gasps he lets out a groan, lifting his shoulders but then feebly dropping them back down. Despite what he's done, despite how misguided he let himself be, I can't help but let out a gasp of relief at seeing him alive.

I don't even know what I'd feel if Earring had died. To think that Jamie would have lost his father, that Beard would have killed his brother just like that because he had no other choice. It all happens so fast.

Beard looks horrified, staring behind him like he can't believe what he's done. Because of his quick thinking we haven't been seriously hurt. We aren't about about to be turned in.

But at a cost.

"I'm sorry." He gets out, sounding torn between fear and anger. "I'm sorry."

The truck is parked now. The engine is still idling and we're sitting in the middle of the road but nobody moves, eyes on the man who's gone from our ally to someone who pointed a gun at his friends out of fear.

I can tell he's in pain. Earring is a built guy, muscled and usually stiff standing but right now he's lying limply, the force of the swerve knocking him into the passengers' side door. He's dropped his gun.

He tips back his head, breathing in slowly and then breathing out. When he turns his head he groans and then his eyes open, but the angry fog has cleared from his eyes. He looks horrified, his breaths shuddering slowly in and out.

"William." He croaks. At first I'm confused. I forget that William is Beard's real name and he's speaking to his brother.

"What were you thinking?" Beard gets out. "We may be people who break the law and choose ourselves, but we're not murderers."

"Fuck." Earring gasps. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. James-"
He goes to reach for James but the little boy jerks back and into Dan's chest, shaking his head and shivering.

"We stand by Dan and Phil, even if you're scared." Beard says quietly. "I'm not going to let my brother turn them over to the confederation."

Earring gasps in pain and then shuts his eyes again, burying his head in his hands and pressing his fingers against his eyelids. His shoulders are shaking. I wonder if he's crying.

"What the hell do we do then?!" He croaks. "They're probably surrounding us right now. I said I'd bring what they wanted. There's now way we can hide them."

"Send James with them." Beard mumbles, sounding almost afraid to speak. "He'll be safe then. We'll look after each other. You don't want to do this."

I see Earring's face crease. He looks to James with a pained expression but the boy won't meet his eyes, all the energy seeming to drain out of his body when it happens.

The truck is still motionless. His expression is so conflicted I'm afraid for a moment that we may not make it out after all. One change of his mind, and it's over.

I see a sign, though the area is barely recognizable now. Hyde Park. We're near the old palaces, in the royal park where people jogged and held holiday events once upon a time. This is where we've ended up. Nobody says a word.

"Take him." Earring gasps suddenly. There's a brokenness in his expression, equal measures devastation and guilt. I don't want to think about what he's subjecting himself to. "Take him and run."

It happens suddenly. Beard's expression fills with purpose and he jumps up immediately, wasting no time at all though moments ago we were draped in tense silence. His eyes urge us to take immediate action, gaze darting about the empty street.

It's still disjointing to see London so virtually empty. The streets are devoid of people, the zombies probably confined to the shadows until something comes along.

"They're already after you." Beard says abruptly. He pushes open the door and we clamber out, he follows shortly behind. He shuts the door and lowers his voice, almost as if he's worried Copper might hear. "They've been threatening Copper for days I think. Keep moving and don't let them find you. Once they see you're not at camp, they're going to come after us."

James looks up at his uncle and I can see the terror of this separation. None of us say it but for all we know this could be the last, both Beard and Earring making a sacrifice for the sake of us but mainly this kid. The confederation won't be getting either. He doesn't say it, but I know Beard knows that unless they hide very well, there is no way they can get out.

The man kneels down and opens his arms without warning, pulling the little boy in and squeezing him in a hug. He leans down, patting his back comfortingly as he shivers. Beard, whose real name I barely remember, is trusting this boy's life with us.

"Did you know?" I ask quietly. I know that I shouldn't, but I can't stand the idea even though it's probably true. And I still need to know.

He looks at me sadly, then back at the door.

"No." He says quietly. "I didn't think anything of it when the confederation threatened us that one time. I didn't realize he was working in secret. He was- is still my little brother and I have to stand behind him. I don't think that is what he'd have truly wanted to do to you."

"He just left in the night, didn't he?" I note.

"He grabbed James and Mike saw." Beard murmurs. "By the time I got over there I think Copper was planning to leave. Of course I tried to stop him, he pointed a gun at me and told me to get in. It's not something you could ever expect."

"Are you going back to the camp?" Dan asks softly. I can tell he's trying to help things, that there's really no way to make the man feel better because this is something you can't take back. Earring isn't who we think he is, his remorse broken something else. It says a lot about the trust and the loyalty between the two of him that Beard wants to look after him.

Presently, Beard looks off at the storm clouds in darkening sky, nodding with distracted eyes.

"I'm going to try and tell them everything." He says. "I'm not going to tell them what Copper did, but the resistance needs to know about the plans of the Confederation."

There's not much to say after that. We just nod. There's little more that can loosen the grimness of the situation anyway. I know that Earring was afraid and that he knew it wasn't right, but I don't forgive him. Not when I can still feel Dan shaking wordlessly next to me.

"I think you should probably run." He urges us after a pause. "I had almost no time to react to the situation. The confederation could be right behind us or lying in wait. Maybe even both."

"Thank you." I blurt, looking at him suddenly. I don't know why, but this feels like goodbye. "For everything. Thank you for doing this."

He looks at me silently and then nods his head, reaching out and slapping my shoulder. "Take care, kid. Take care of him, okay?"

I'm about to respond when a engine roars on the next street down, causing us all to jump and James's eyes to go wide with panic.

"Go." Beard says firmly. Inside the truck, I wonder if Earring is listening.

We do. James stumbles back and into my arms as I back out, barely secured before Dan yanks my shirt and we turn around, backing away from the vehicle and into the depths of the city before any of us make the mistake of looking back. We just run, leaving the brothers' truck far behind, and nobody seems to pursue us.

I don't realize my hands are shaking until we can't see it anymore.

~~~

"I miss my brother."

James's voice is empty, his chin propped on his fists as he rests his elbow on the stone edge of the bridge. I glance at him and see the dull grey clouds in the sky reflecting in the flat tone of his eyes, not really focused on what he's seeing. There's a stone in his hand and he tosses it down into the current, the stone falling for a few seconds before hitting, little ripples spreading out from where it lands.

I think about Michael back at camp, knowing he's the reason James is safe now in the first place. How he overcame his own anxiety about talking to people to run to us, getting us there just in time. I look at James the same way I'd looked at him an hour ago, trying to see where his mind is at and not entirely sure.

"I bet he misses you too." I tell him. "Don't worry, we'll find him again."

Most of the conversation we've had has been centric on James, mainly mundane things like his favourite colour and what snacks he'd make if he had any ingredients in the world. All meant to take his mind off things. I'm perfectly content to stand here on the edge of what was formerly Putney Bridge and distract him for a bit, letting the water flow lazily along the wide river mouth below and looking further down to take in the remains of the city.

There's clouds coming in from the south, threatening to cover over the blue sky and sun overhead. The bridge is huge by London standards, made of concrete and built to host multiple lanes of traffic, but right now it's empty save for a few abandoned cars, some pretty lampposts still standing, and us.

It's strange, seeing this boy who's usually so lively being silent and stoic. I desperately want to tell him it's okay and that his father never did the things he did, but I can't. Admirably enough though, Jamie is trying.

He's lost in thought for a moment but after thinking quietly he seems to muster up a question to engage me, or at least divert his own attention for a while.

"Did you have a brother?" He asks softly.

I stiffen, unable to look at his earnest, curious eyes. I hadn't expected the question and I'm a bit surprised to hear it to be honest, though maybe I shouldn't be. I'd been trying to steer clear of talking about myself so it felt more focused on him, but in truth I don't really mind the question. I just haven't dwelled on the idea of my brother in a long time, knowing I may never see him again.

"Yeah." I reply. "His name was Martyn. He was older than me."

He keeps looking at me interestedly and so I launch into a bit of a story, staring out over the Thames River and remembering a time when I'd stood here eating crisps or watching commuters and tourists back when things were normal. In the back of my mind all I can think of is Dan, but for once I'm not that worried about him.

There's an abandoned hotel just down the road behind us, on the corner that when followed, leads to the bridge. Dan is in one of the rooms sleeping, exhausted from the last few days and the morning today. Both the doors leading to the stairs and the doors of the lift are locked so it was through a partially open window that we got in, taking comfort in the many locked doors between us and the outside and the prospect of real, hotel-standard bedding that looks fairly undisturbed.

My mind wanders even as I talk, still uneasy about the entire thing. It's crazy how our days can go from naught to a hundred within hours in my life, from the campfire to the river under the stars to a breath-bated hideout in our former friends' truck.

We ran for nearly an hour after Earring let us go. At first we were just running, taking turns carrying James because we didn't want to leave him to run on his own. None of the streets look familiar anymore. This section of the city was too expensive for me to live in back on the normal days, so I didn't venture here often except to change trains, meaning I recognize next to nothing. Dan, of course, has never been here.

"I used to share a room with him, we had bunk beds." I tell James, still rambling on about my older brother. I've always had a bad habit of feeling personally responsible for the comfort of others even if it's beyond my control, always waffling nervously or spouting animal facts if it gets too uncomfortable. In this case it's hurting to see Jamie with a vacant expression and all I want is to take his mind off his dad, leaping to answer questions with maybe too much jest. "It was fun for me, not so fun for him. I used to ask him questions like why the moon was round."

James stares at me with a small smile on his face and it feels like a little victory, being able to help even in this small way.

"Why is the moon round?" He enquires, shuffling over to lean against my side though his eyes are cast down. It's almost like he doesn't want to look dependent.

I smile faintly, letting out a gentle laugh and putting a hand on his shoulder. "I don't really know. Ask Dan when we get back."

We talk for a little while longer and then turn to head back, the two minute walk to the corner passing in almost eerie silence. The only sounds we hear are the ones we make, without people passing through or city sounds to prevail it's like we're not even in London. This part of the city looks so oddly normal aside from the overgrowth of plants and old cars, the buildings all still standing and most windows intact.

The hotel sits on the corner, a parking lot on one side and trees on the other. Across the road there's a church sitting empty with the doors shut, but it's beautiful , the facade ornate and clearly historic. I wish I knew its name.

James gets distracted by the flagstones leading up to the door, stepping so that he's hopping foot to foot without stepping on any of the cracks. I let him play, keeping him in the corner of my vision as I survey the area around us to see if we've been followed. I know Earring said he couldn't be seen with us but I don't trust anyone but Dan at this point, double checking the street leading to the tube station before doubling back and heading around to the side windows of the building.

When I finally walk into the bedroom it's to see Dan swathed in white blankets on the larger bed, head sunken onto a pillow as his breaths leave him softly. I can only see the the brown of his curls from beneath the duvet but his form is relaxed rather than tense, covers shaped around him as a square of sunlight falls through the curtains.

I can tell he's awake when he turns towards the sounds of our feet on the carpet, blinking his eyes sleepily as we go to take off our shoes. He moves to sit up and lets the covers bunch around his chest, eyes falling shut once more with a faint smile when he sees us.

"Hi Dan." James says, climbing up onto the corner of the bed as soon as he has his shoes on the floor.

"You're back." Dan comments. He opens his arms, leaning back and letting James nestle into his arms, hugging the small body to his chest as the little arms hug around his neck. James giggles and nestles his head into the dip below Dan's curls, closing his eyes as Dan rocks him back and forth ever so slightly. He's half-awake, I can tell.

My heart swells as I see the expression on my best friend's face, the softest look imaginable and genuine content relaxing every feature. This little boy has come to mean so much to him, and the relief at getting him alone is impossibly strong. More importantly, the stress on James's face seems to vanish as if by magic. He looks so reassured with both of us here, and it seems the contact was the thing that, after a walk, he'd been wanting most.

James hugs him for a few seconds longer and then looks out at the river, still visible through the bedroom window. It's just after mid-day but I wonder now if he's even slept. The bridge is visible too and I wonder if Dan saw us out there, or if he really has been asleep this entire time.

I climb over to the other side of the bed, sinking onto the soft mattress and shuffling over next to them. My shoulder presses against Dan's and he leans into the touch, wordlessly exchanging the comforting gesture.

"How are you feeling?" Dan asks gently, laying his head on my shoulder and looking as much to me as to the child. It makes me realize that he's trying remind me that I need to look after myself as well as the two of them, something I've been neglecting a lot. The overwhelming need is to make sure that they are okay before anything, making it easy to forget that I have to be all right in the first place to handle any of this.

Nonetheless, I nod silently and he redirects his full attention to the boy, who shrugs and squirms to sit up, climbing out of the embrace and stepping to the floor.

"I need a nap." Jamie announces.

His tone is still uncomfortably flat and I look at him worriedly, everything about the boy's expression reflecting what he's really feeling. There's two beds in this room, one small single bed and one queen, arranged in different corners. The room was obviously designed for a family or group, a pair of parents and a child. Now it's occupied by us, and James's stuff is already partially dumped on the smaller one.

"Are you sure?"

He nods, eyeing the dinosaur toy already laid out on the bed next to his pillow. Again all I can think about is what he connects that comfort to.

"Yeah." He says with surprising conviction, meeting my eyes with a calm face. "I just need space."

It's not what I'd been expecting him to say, but the message is very much there. He just wants to be alone but doesn't know how to express it, his grasp on what he's feeling too difficult to articulate because he isn't old enough to really know. He shouldn't have to. It would make sense that rest is a good way of doing it, we probably all need time to get together and sort out our thoughts.

Take all the time you need is what I want to say. It's the truth but I don't want him to have to think about what he saw, nor what he had to go through all night.

"I think we all need a nap." I say instead, squeezing Dan's shoulder before reaching over to the bedside table and passing him his backpack. "Do you want to change into your pajamas first?"

James nods and I hear Dan laugh softly as he watches the interaction, my hands rummaging the small pack James always seemed to carry until I find what I'm looking for, a blue jumper and matching patterned cotton pants adorned with trucks.

"You're everyone's dream child." He comments, "how many kids your age would willingly go for a nap?"

It's a light joke, a shot at normalcy. I think we all know there's little we could do to actually be happy right now, but it makes a smile appear on James's face. He shrugs and takes the pajama pants and shirt out of my hands, carrying them off toward the bathroom.

"Yeah. Probably just me." James jokes back. Not quite the giggles we're all used to but considerably lighter in tone, a weight off my chest even if I don't react outwardly to it. James is doing his best to be strong and it's making me want to too, bittersweet but wonderful I suppose.

James crosses the room, and even as his hand closes around the doorknob to the bathroom door I see the little boy's eyes glance back at us as if to double check that we're there, holding the look until he's distracted and starts to pull it closed.

"We should take one too." I suggest after a heartbeat, looking back at Dan as the door clicks shut. Without James's presence the room suddenly feels massive, out of nowhere I realize how alone Dan and I are, how far we are from anyone familiar. It makes me feel like a lost child in the shop, separated from my mum and miles from home. We really are alone this time, for the first time in over a year. We have a few minutes to be alone, so for the first time in hours we're really able to talk.

We haven't exactly been careful about maintaining a healthy sleep pattern in the last few days and last night was definitely not an exception, my heart skipping as I remember exactly why.

Dan's back to a pile of blankets and a curly head but I can tell he's listening, lifting his head a slight bit and smiling bemusedly. 

"You really think so, huh?"

I lower my hand to his curls and pull my fingers through them, chuckling a bit as he leans into the touch. I can't help it.

I lift up the edge of the covers, hearing Dan giggle softly as I slide under and shift until I've cuddled up against him. I pull him closer to me by one arm and wind my legs between his, feeling his head come to rest against mine as I set it down. When we're like this, it's almost as if we really are just another couple in a hotel, pretending nothing is amiss at all. I can saturate in Dan, in the moment.

He opens his arms and hugs me as soon as I'm close enough, just holding me close for a moment and breathing into my shoulder. It's warm and familiar and I sink into the embrace, squeezing him tightly like that alone can convey how I feel.

When we let go we don't go far, meeting eye to eye with matching fond expressions.

"Hi." He mumbles, smiling at me in this close space.

I feel so much in a sudden surge for him then and search until I find his hand under the covers, squeezing it gently and threading our fingers together.

"Hi." I mumble back. Every bit of my being wants to be closer to him, I lower my head to brush our noses.

For a moment there's silence. He runs his thumb over mine.

"James will be back out any minute," He reminds me, "But I'm expecting more of this when he falls asleep."

His voice is gentle. I look down at his face and see that his eyes are shut once again, somehow content despite everything that's happened. I'm quietly afraid that he'll be stressed again, hoping to keep this expression for as long as I can. I smile softly at him, telling myself I will.

"There will be." I promise, squeezing his hand and leaning back to brush the hair out of his eyes before he sits up.

The door is still shut and so I risk the moment it takes to lean over and kiss his cheek, drawing back after and resting my head against the side of his. He leans back, sighing contentedly.

I sit still and listen to him breathe for a moment, eyes absently on the door.

"How was the bridge?" He asks.

"Good. Any nightmares?" I ask him in turn just as I always have, the two of us checking up on each other just as we did before we'd even gotten together.

"Yeah." He says honestly. "But I had a good dream after, I promise. I wasn't asleep that long anyway."

"You want to tell me what it was about?" I ask, feeling his lips ghost my cheek.

He smiles, moving to get up. "I bet you can guess."

When James comes out of the bathroom we both help him into bed, talking to him softly and acting like quietly overbearing parents, checking that he has enough pillows and lifting up his covers so he can crawl under and curl up. He seems to enjoy it, so we keep doing it.

Dan gives him his maroon hoodie to sleep with, the one he'd worn when I'd given him that haircut back in the bunker. James takes it and hugs it like a teddy bear when he lays down, looking significantly calmer.

"Do you want us to close the curtains?" I ask, to which he nods. I cross the room to tug the drapes shut and though it can't take more than ten seconds, by the time I'm back he's whispering something to Dan, who nods.

I sit back down next to Dan, James eyelids already drooping and making me realize that he's not putting up a face. The boy is sad, yes, but he feels safe right now.

"Go to sleep buddy." Dan whispers, folding over the covers and covering Jamie up to his chin. He even tucks the covers in in all the right places, making me wonder where he learned to do that. "Phil and I will look after you."

"Promise?" James sounds soft and groggy.

I nod my head and then fumble when I remember James can't see me, making Dan smile fondly. "Promise."

"I don't want to wake up without someone." He admits. "Please don't leave anywhere."

I wonder if it's because last time we said goodbye this happened, but hurriedly dismiss the thought. "We won't. We'll be right in this room after you've rested a bit."

"Okay."

James is on his side but I still see the frown on his face, an expression of hesitation before he covers his face, muffling his voice but still keeping it audible.

"I love you guys." He mumbles out of nowhere, hiding his face in the folds of Dan's hoodie. My heart jolts in a strange way and I feel Dan place his hand over mine, very abruptly squeezing when he sees my face fall though Jamie can't see.

I feel like I've been struck in the chest. This time, I can't answer. Dan looks up and meets my eyes with a similarly stunned expression, his eyes wide in surprise and I know I should answer but I'm speechless.

It shouldn't mean as much as it does but to me it means everything. He didn't have to say that but he did, words so full of meaning and honesty. He's just a little boy, he doesn't know how complex life can be. He just feels safe with us. And that's a lot.

James turns over. I hear a soft sigh and at first I'm afraid he's upset because we haven't responded, but then I realize that in fact, he's fallen asleep. His fist is curled around the fold of maroon fabric and his eyes are closed, the light freckles dusted on his nose suddenly visible when he's still like this. It's like when I looked at Dan on those days when we weren't speaking and the saw the angry lines gone, James looks six years old now and I almost want to smooth his hair back from his face he looks so content.

We just stand there for a moment, not speaking. Dan looks almost as stunned as I am and it's a while before we actually stand up, making true on the plans we'd made in the first place. This is a moment and a half, I swear he can feel it too, and it's almost like we're afraid to break the spell.

I don't even realize how badly I've been craving Dan's closeness until we climb back under the sheets, settling into each other with voices lowered and touches soft. Our heads find the same pillow and our hands find each other, his hand tracking a carful path up my arm.

James has introduced something. A spark of feeling, a disbelief that eases the ache in us both. We have a moment of quiet, of peace, and now we have the implicit trust of a little boy who probably feels like the world has taken almost everything from him. The overpowering feeling is disbelief but there's some goodness in there too, I preserve the quiet and press my lips to the edge of Dan's neck a few times, nothing behind it this time but gentleness before I close my eyes.

I'm not tired, not really. I just want to hide from the world. I don't know where the camp is now, don't know if Chris will be able to track us. Everything is far away and for the first time since the apocalypse began Dan and I really are alone, this time with added responsibility. Mark and Felix must be worried sick, we've disappeared on the brink of an invasion.

I don't object when Dan climbs into my arms, wrapping his arms around my waist and laying his head over my heart. That's fitting, I guess. It's where he's meant to be. I don't think we'll end up sleeping this time, we're just aching for proximity and apt to give it to each other.

I look at him- really look at him and I realize how much he's changed.

I look at his sideways smiling glance and his content smile, cheeks glowing in the warm light of the sun. I notice that yes, in fact, his shoulders have gotten fuller, his features a little sharper and face less boyish. In just this last year he's already grown, looking less and less like the teenager I fell in love with and more like a young man. A really beautiful one. That I may or may not also be in love with. And it's jarring. When did this happen? We were together the whole time. When did he change?

"What are you staring at?" He asks with a confused laugh, although his averted eyes tells me he knows exactly what I'm staring at.

You. I think quietly. It's always you.

"I can't believe you're turning twenty next year." I admit, sighing a bit and wondering why this is so phenomenal. I was twenty only two years ago, it's not like he's doing something I haven't.

It's come out of nowhere- this realization. He's growing up. We're growing older, together. This is his last real year in his teens, if life were normal he'd be leaving for his second year of uni soon, we'd be celebrating in my flat probably without a shitty internet connection between us.

"So I am." He exclaims, as if he's only just come to this realization himself.

"It's crazy." I breathe, and I find I can't look away from him.

"I remember we talked about this once." He says quietly, breaking the silence. "I'm not sure when, I think it might have been in the baths at the confed bunker actually." He blushes and I smile at him, remembering the time where we'd just opted to go together and talk awkwardly the whole time rather than waiting turns. We weren't fooling anyone but ourselves.

"What's that?"

Actually, I think I know what he means. I remember this conversation mainly because I was in very close proximity to him in warm, bubbly water as it happened, but also because of the message of it. I'd asked him if we'd be the same, if we'd be as close.

"The question of whether or not any of this would have ever happened if we'd just lived a normal life." He explains, confirming my suspicions. "Don't you remember? I'm pretty sure you asked it first. You wondered if we'd ever be like what we are relationship-wise if the world hadn't forced us together in a state of life and death."

And I do remember it, that conversation.

"Do you think we'd ever be... like this?"

"I had no idea what I was talking about then." I admit, my cheeks darkening. "I don't know if I was admitting I felt something or if I just needed assurance that you were there that day- that was the day this fish bit you, you know?"

He stares at me and I shake my head, tracing my finger over his lip absently before I speak.

"I guess I will wonder sometimes if this- us- would have happened if we were left to be friends in a regular world where your dad disapproved and I was paying rent in an expensive city." I admit. "But it's not surprising."

I don't mean to admit it, to ever express any kind of doubt about how he feels about me. I'm afraid of hurting his feelings, I want him to know I'll never go anywhere, but there was so much standing in the way. I remember Dan lying in my couch exhausted at 2am on a Thursday, in my apartment playing sonic instead of studying because he wanted to drop out of school. I remember crying because he called me in the middle of the night on a holiday, hiding in his room because him and Mr. Howell and fought again and ruined the dinner. It never put strain on Dan and I's relationship, but I was always afraid I wasn't enough for him.

He considers this, his cheek settling against my chest.

"I was in so much denial for so long." He says eventually. "But I never doubted that I wanted you in my life. Ever. I think it would've happened eventually just as it did here. It's not like I was trying to fall in love with you this time. Actually, I actively fought it."

His voice has so much conviction, a smile spreads across my face and I believe him.

Out of nowhere something bubbles up in my chest and I burst out laughing, his eyes lighting up when I smile and poke his cheek. I hadn't realized how much I needed to hear that until now, when I'm feeling the giddiness.

"And here we is." I say fondly.

"Here we is." He repeats, giggling at my choice of words. "I'd turn twenty with you any day."

Seeing him laugh makes me laugh more and I want to cry at how good life suddenly feels. It should be considered magical, how this boy makes everything okay in moments.

"If this were the normal world I'd take you up on that, maybe." I say with a grin, taking his hand again and pressing my lips to it. For some reason, he blushes.

"Maybe?!"

"Oh, shush." I chide, shoving him. "I'd buy a fully functional cheese factory if you asked me to, you know I can't say no to you."

"But you hate cheese?" He laughs. "Why would you?"

"I'd still take you up on it." I insist. "All of it. Everything."

He breathes out deeply and the smile doesn't leave his face, he hugs me to him tighter and speaks into the folds of my sweater, looking like I just handed him the stars.

"We'd get a dog, wouldn't we?" He asks out of nowhere. "In our life."

Oddly enough, I'm reminded of when we were back in the confederation bunker, standing by that darkened window when we thought no one else was awake.

Before the time we'd met Chris, before the party. I'd been alone thinking about what a life with Dan could've entailed, except now he's part of the discussion. No more sitting and dwelling on the what-ifs all by myself, on the maybe-one-day-we'd-ride-the-big-wheel together kind of wonders. He's here and I have him and he has me, he's whispering things into existence that in the distant but not forgotten past we'd be too afraid to talk about, mostly because we'd never imagined we could have them with each other or that they could ever become real.

Never before have I been brave enough to contemplate what could become of us. Life was reduced to a cage a long time ago, one that held Dan and I together but restricted almost everything else. We can't buy a flat together, can't discuss whether or not he wants to travel the world or one day have a child. Those thoughts ended when the world did. But now, in the quiet, they're daring to fall free for the first time, despite the threat looming over us there's hope somehow pushing through.

"Would you want that?" I ask softly. "A dog?"

It's strange to think about, but not in a bad way. I dare to let myself think about it just this once, to indulge in my dreams of me and Dan together. He looks into my eyes and I can see the happiness beneath the melancholy, imagining a world where Dan and a dog could exist in my life together.

He smiles at me. "Yeah, I'd love that. You would too, I know you would. You love dogs."

He knows me. He knows every part of me there is and has somehow retained this fact about me even though we must not have talked about this in so long. I guess I can say for certain now that he quite literally knows everything, has seen everything of me there is to see. We're it for each other.

I nod and kiss the top of his head, running my fingers through his hair. He settles his head under my chin.

"Tell me about your dream house." I say energetically, allowing myself to indulge in these plans for a moment. "What would you build if you could build anything?"

He blinks up at me, eyes round.

"It'd be all black and white, with an entire back garden and a koi pond." He says immediately, eyes clouded like the vision is there in front of his eyes. "I want at least one room with a glass floor, and a kitchen for seasonal baking."

He's getting carried away and I love it, trying to pick myself up and drop myself into whatever world he's seeing in his mind, not horribly opposed to his ideas, either.

"I'd want a sofa for folding my spine into." He adds. "And internet."

"If I had a house, I'd make every window glass." I tell him theatrically, confused at first as to why he immediately giggles.

"What?" I protest, frowning when he just shakes his head and laughs harder. "All I said was that I'd want every window to be- oh! I meant every wall, I'd want every wall to be glass!"

I've lost him already though, he's laughing hard and calling me an idiot, smushing his face into the pillow so he doesn't wake up James.

"You buffoon." He chokes out weakly, voice muffled. "First of all, that's useless. Secondly, that's not even a stylish or functional exterior design choice. You want some semblance of privacy."

"Would I." I quip back, though I'm blushing like mad due to the blunder. He's still giggling like I've said the funniest thing ever as I eye him purposefully, making my chest flood with a humming kind of happy even though I may have just made the worst joke ever. "Maybe I'm an exhibitionist."

"Fuck you!" He exclaims in a whisper, shoving me hard as if he wants to banish me to the other side of the room but not wake the little boy opposite us.

For a moment I just stare at him and he stares back, and then I smirk. Dan looks at me as if to ask, what?

"You did, actually." I quip a few seconds later, and his mouth drops.

His eyes widen and he smacks me, kicking me hard in the side this time and nearly knocking me right off the bed as I screech silently.

"No!"

I have to press a pillow to my face to muffle the peals of laughter leaving my mouth, Dan is still kicking me and calling me a terrible person.

"I hate you. I hate you." He complains, wrapping his arms around me and drawing me in with fingers pressed purposefully to my ribs so that I'm squirming a little. I ignore the butterflies in my stomach and hope to god James hasn't heard. "You're a cheeky little shit and I hate you."

"Hardly the words to say to the boy you're going to get a dog with." I hum, snuggling closer to him both so that he stops tickling me and because he softens instantly the second I do.

"Mm." He trails his fingers along my wrist, tracing up to my hand and over my thumb. "I want a shiba inu."

"I want a corgi." I tell him. "So I guess we'd get both. Good compromise."

He nods, like it's a real plan. "A forever home, with a garden and dogs. That would be really nice. We'd still order pizza right?"

"Deliveroo, just the same." I agree. "Pizza and MarioKart, whenever we wanted."

He goes silent, for so long I'm wondering if he might've fallen asleep after all. The only indication that he hasn't is that his hand is back in mine, squeezing gently before he finally speaks again. It's odd because I can see the home in my mind, the most beautiful thing I can imagine.

"We would go to Japan together." He says quietly.

I let a laugh escape me, smiling up at the ceiling and watching dust motes float in the air. I watch them swirl over and under and picture that far off country in my mind, remembering Dan's birthday over one year ago. We both want to make it there someday.

With every word, our dreams seem to be getting bigger and more ambitious.

"Of course we would." I squeeze his hand and picture it happening, capturing it like a camera.

"I still want to do everything together. I want so much out of existence." He says honestly.

I nod. "Me too."

He looks up at me seriously, going over his words a few times and hesitating. It's like he thinks twice before he fumbles the words out, meeting my eyes when I'd think he'd look away.

"I'd... marry you."

His words sink in and then my words are lost, I'm literally breathless and he doesn't look away. My heart starts to pound but he doesn't stop there, still staring at me intently as if to await my reaction.

"One day." He adds. "I would, you know?"

My chest folds in on itself and and I can't look away from him, words surging to the surface instantly but getting lost in my mouth.

Slowly, as it was bound to happen, the smile fades from my face. Dan's fingers brush the bandage at my wrist as quite suddenly, the silence begins and I still entirely, this world choosing to remind me of itself in the form of that hidden but not forgotten wound.

I forget this is mere dreaming, forget who I am and where we are. He believes this all would have happened. In any world he would love me, in any world we'd one day find ourselves together. I'm speechless. He'd want to marry me.

"You'd... do that?" I croak out, suddenly breathless as I try to stay calm and not burst into tears or something. "You want that?"

"I want you." He cups my cheek and stares at me, and I've never seen so much there from anyone looking at me before. "I watched you for years before you even knew who I was. Maybe we knew other people for longer but it's not an accident that I love you. Nobody has ever felt the way you do to me."

It strikes something deep in my chest. In his mind, he believes there will always be a we, we will always be us. We have no idea what we're doing and we never really have. He doesn't want us then, doesn't want us for now. He wants me. Forever.

"But you'd... want that." I repeat.

"I thought it." He blurts breathlessly. "When I thought you were dead I really thought it. I begged for you to be alive and I was making all sorts of promises- I realized how much I never told you. It was like I saw everything, how I'd kiss you, take care of you. Anything, all of it. I wanted that someday with you. I don't care that I haven't known you a decade or whatever. I wanted to. I dunno, maybe it's reckless and kind of morbid that that's how I figured it out, but forgive me for thinking I want you forever."

I can't even take in breaths properly, taken by his honesty. An overwhelming feeling closes my throat.

He has plans for us, visions I can't even accept as real. I can believe it, but I can't believe it. How can it ever happen? Why am I so upset that it can't?

"That's the future." I blurt. I don't expect the heaviness in the edge of my words when I speak them, not realizing how much it hurts to imagine until reality reminds me and it hits me like cold water, numb and unwelcome. We want these things but they can't actually happen. "The abstract future. I can't give you anything like that in this kind of world. I wish I could- but I can't."

It hurts to think about, the things I want from life. The world that I want to give to Dan, when all I have is myself. In the back of my mind I know that's stupid, I know if he heard me say this he'd instantly tell me something ridiculously honest, like how he doesn't need anything else as long as I have you, Phil. That's what matters. I can almost hear him saying it. But it doesn't diminish the feeling.

He shifts closer to me and off to the right, I hear Jamie sigh. He's fast asleep, exhausted, and it feels like we're the only people left.

Right now, the world is holding its breath and Dan and I are alone, inches apart in this quiet space. Dan lifts his head and his breath ghosts my face and despite it all my heart still skips a beat, same as it always has, like it always did before. It's like he can read my mind.

He leans right into my space, pressing his lips to mine gently with fingers curling over my shoulder as his other hand settles on my chest, sealing his words like they might get lost.

"It doesn't have to be abstract." He whispers. I close my eyes and he kisses me again, climbing over me and fitting his lips between mine, shifting to lay against my side. It quells the fears in my mind and the anxious voices die down again, replaced with something real, something wonderful.

I lift my hands to balance his cheeks in my palms and pull him towards me, kissing him soundly and closing my eyes. Sunlight streams in from the opposite window and vaguely I see orange in the afternoon sky, the clouds parting around us after all as I hold him close. This moment is otherworldly in more than one way, blurred lines of imagining and reality.

"It doesn't?" I ask him. My words are slightly muffled but he hears them all the same.

The last kiss lasts a little longer than the others. He threads his fingers through my hair and when it's over he opens his eyes, observing my expression and picking out the things that show how unsure I really am still.

"The future has you and me in it." He says determinedly, tracing his fingers over my stomach. "We don't have to dismiss it just because we don't know what comes next. Two months ago this future was abstract.  Nothing was set in stone and we didn't know what was coming. And this is where we are."

We have no idea what we're doing but if there's a chance in hell of our survival then we're infinite. It's more than just a cure for the virus or the concept of a romance between two people. This is us actually letting ourselves think it, not stowing away things that culminate into dreams.

I shake my head. "But the world-"

"It doesn't matter." He argues, cutting me off gently. "We've always done things for everyone else. We kept secrets and got in on big plans that put us in way over our heads.  We even compromised each other sometimes. There's nothing wrong with wanting a future, you're the reason I have one at all."

I look up at him, and I see everything. Everything that matters to me is cupped in the palm of my hand, and I have to suppress the tears that instinctively threaten behind my eyes.

"I don't want to be your responsibility." My voice is shaking, and when did it start to do that?

"You aren't. We're together in this." He insists quietly.

"Phil and Phil's Dan." I joke.

"Exactly."

The topic is heavy and I have to close my mouth for a moment, hugging Dan to me but staying silent so as not to overwhelm either of us. Somehow when Dan says it like that it doesn't seem so far off. As if a zombie apocalypse and a corrupt government are just blips in our time, like when can really make a life together one day. Maybe glass walls aren't Dan's aesthetic, but looking through them is a step closer to our future.

Dan's heart is beating quickly and I realize he isn't thinking about dropping the subject by any means, our meaningful conversation turning into something far more than I would have expected.

"I don't mean like right now, obviously." He says. "It'd be a few years from now, hopefully there wouldn't be any government by then. People would band together and start potato farms, stop killing each other for one fucking second. It's so stupid."

I'd never thought about that, the way humanity chose to handle the end of the world. We were completely unprepared when everything broke down around us, when the confeds released the virus and started fires to fuel the terror and chaos. It's like nothing I've ever seen, a society broken down by primordial fears. And yet unlike other societies, this is the real one.

"I never really realized how different things could be." I breathe, thinking it over in my head. "I remember all the video games we used to play where utopian societies were quarantine zones and they just fought the zombies instead, forming some separate factions yeah but mostly just fighting monsters."

He nods. "I know. There was always the one bad guy that fucked everything up but in this universe he's winning. He's won everything."

It's unfortunately accurate reflection on our reality. The confederation has total control of England- of the world maybe.

"Humans always seem to feel the need to fight each other." I sigh.

"Why drive out the monsters when you could just start your own society and kill anyone who touches your stuff?" He agrees. "It seems not even everyone dying can give people morals. Humans need to just leave and I'll sweep you off your feet in peace."

"Do you think there's a Dan and Phil together in some alternate universe?" I ask him, making him frown in exasperation. I exist solely to add pondering crises to his life, and it seems I've done it again. He's going to think about it all over again now.

"The universe is infinite." Dan complains, though I know he secretly loves waffling about this very topic. "I don't believe in fate or destiny or any of that bullshit but there's nothing to suggest that the multiple universe theory is wrong. In some universe alternate Dan is a lawyer and alternate Phil became the YouTuber star he always wanted to be."

"Ooh, good." I breathe, and he chuckles.

"Alternate Dan is going to propose to him on the day that they-"

"-hey, wait!" I squeak, feeling the flustered expression reach right up to the corners of my eyes as I avoid eye contact, my heart racing at the single word that stands alone from the rest whilst I try to act cool and nonchalant. "Who says you would be the one to... to-"

"I would totally be the one to propose!" He exclaims, sounding haughty.

"Oh, you think so?"

"It would be so symbolic, and I'm the one who likes to spew sentiment at inappropriate times."

My mind is reeling but I do my best to look him in the eye, chest filled with butterflies.

"I think I'm the proposing type." I argue shakily, quirking an eyebrow at him so that he laughs. "I didn't pine after you for almost two years just to have you upstage me in another timeline."

"Why? You'd be the marriage-is-just-a-piece-of-paper guy I'd think." He retorts back critically, pretending to look offended. I can't believe we're arguing about getting married.

I shake my head, smirking at him now despite myself. "I'm going to propose to you."

"Oh, we're in the present tense now."

"You're the one who said this wasn't the abstract future." I remind him teasingly. "This is how it's happening. I'm proposing to you, no arguments."

There's a pause in which he brushes his hand over my forehead, taking his time to run his fingers through the strands slowly.

"Not if I propose to you first."

"If you guys get married you're doing what I told Dan." I hear a muffled voice ring out, sounding groggy and slow. "You're going to get together, you're going to adopt me and then you'll be my new dads, now shut up."

Dan and I both jump, shooting up to sitting positions and seeing a bemused James, awake from his nap and slowly climbing out from his covers with a look way too knowing for a six year old kid, even one raised around zombies. I gape at Dan and then when he laughs I collapse onto the softness of the mattress and cover my face, groaning in embarrassed shame.

But also secretly glowing inside.

"When did you talk to him about that?!" I exclaim quietly. He blushes, shaking his head and looking over at him.

"Hey, you weren't supposed to wake up!" Dan chides, all composure of course, standing up and nudging Jamie gently when he runs over with no real scolding in his voice. His voice is casual, but Jamie seems amused. "Are you hungry?"

"Yeah." Jamie says with a smirk. "But I didn't really even sleep. It's hard to nap when you guys are getting married over there."

I feel mortified that we kept him awake, probably entertaining him far more than we needed to with carried stage whispers.

"We're not!" I exclaim, my face reddening so much I can feel it. James giggles and I feel a hand- Dan's- slip into mine, squeezing gently from beneath the blanket as I lift my head back into view.

"Oh, you're not?"

Dan rolls his eyes. He leans down to grin at me cheekily, cupping my cheek.

"Not yet." He quirks. He lowers his head and kisses my cheek and I groan, feeling two pairs of arms wrapping around me afterwards and knocking me back onto the mattress, a long body with warm arms and a wiggling child wrestling me into the covers and hugging me close.

I go without resistance and stare up at the ceiling as two childish faces with brown curls flop into view, wondering how on earth life could flip so suddenly upside down like this. Suddenly I have a little boy and my boyfriend, hiding secluded in the city of London with no one else around.

The wrestle me to the mattress and I halfheartedly shove them off, tickling Jamie and making him screech before Dan pulls me down, arms around my neck. When we fall down, Jamie wriggles into the space between us, and then we just collapse, out of breath. Both of them are laughing softly and I feel the smile on my face, so strong and real it feels like it could be a permanent fixture. One head is against mine and one sits on my shoulder, two heads with soft brown curls and sad stories, smiling and laughing happily.

I freeze frame the image like a picture in my mind, holding onto it as a hazy memory, and pretend that Jamie's idea is actually what will happen.

~~~

The hotel kitchen is one floor down, the non-perishable items cupboard our saving grace. I hadn't even realized just how many people hotels with continental breakfasts fed until we open up the cupboards, seeing stack after stack of little cracker packets, peanut butter, crumpets, and juice packs all lined and ready to be set out on the hotel carts. The shelves go back a ways and I note instantly that we won't be able to carry all of this, better than most abandoned buildings we've found which food-wise tend to contain nothing.

"These are probably like a million days expired." Dan mumbles, observing the vacuum sealed packet in his hand. "But I also haven't had crumpets since the normal days and think I could probably ascend right now."

Jamie is beyond excited for the peanut butter and crackers because apparently peanut butter reminds him of happy days in the past and so Dan and I set about making him a plate, competing to see who can make more little cracker sandwiches the fastest with little spreading knives we found in the drawers until I've overpowered him, much to his dismay. James cheers and also takes the juice box I hand him, that reaction even more satisfying than the victory before it.

We avoid the fridges, which probably have nothing substantial. Rotten meat and vegetables are a mistake we've made in the past, nobody wants to get food poisoning.

In the end I also settle for orange juice and crumpets, hardly caring that there isn't butter or even a working toaster for them. The cupboard has some hazelnut spread packets and so Dan and I take a few and spread them on our crumpets, laughing as Jamie runs about the empty hotel café tables with dramatic sweeping glances, exclaiming about how he can't possibly find a place to sit when it's so busy. In the end he chooses a spot right by the window, playing with his dinosaur and watching the river while he eats.

Living large, I think to myself. Only luxury in this apocalypse.

Dan and I sit a small space away at another table watching him, my right hand occupied by my food and my left held lazily by Dan's. It's almost as if the memory of Beard and Earring's truck is further away now, the evening light casting a beautiful orange glow and bluish shadows on everything. This hotel was obviously a tourist spot, the black and white canvases depicting the city adorning the walls and brochures arranged nicely on a table, but the room is pretty, all dark wood and coffee shop-esque decor.

There's taps for drinks on the bar behind us but for once we ignore them, skipping on the alcohol like it isn't some weird joke between us now. I don't want it right now, drugged on the warm appearance of everything and the hidden, secluded atmosphere. I think this place is a safe place to stay until we can regroup with Mark, already mentally noting to mention this to Dan when we're going to bed later tonight.

"I feel like we just inherited a mansion." I tell Dan quietly as I sit back in my seat, the absence of people especially obvious right now with all the dining tables around us. "Think about how many rooms this place has and they're all empty. There's four flights of stairs, glass walls and a lift, and it's all ours."

"For a few days." He agrees.

A few days is a long time in the apocalypse. We've had to wedge our hotel room door to keep it open, partially so we can remember which room belongs to us and partly because otherwise we'd get locked out. It'd be a pain getting back outside from there, the hotel's front doors are locked.

"I think we should steal their soaps and things, hotels give complementary soap." I point out. "Before we go it'd probably be worth it to see if someone left a backpack, it'd be good to steal some stuff and run rather than stay here forever."

I think about our friends and how it's probably best for us after what Beard said not to stay stationary, but I'm still grateful for this night.

"We'll have to figure out how to get back to Mark and them, let them know what's going on." He says after a lapse. "At least Harley's explained the situation. I bet they're looking for us already."

I nod, busy thumbing over the soft skin on the edge of his hand. The air is warm and the hazel spread is sweet on my tongue, I feel so content I'm reluctant to break the spell. I watch the last rays of sun ripple off the Thames and see leaves fall from the tree next to Jamie's window, drifting lazily.

"The camps have probably started invading by now." I realize suddenly. "They wanted to go in for your dad and PJ. It's been a day."

He looks at me, eyebrows raising. "Oh. You're right. Holy shit. They're probably doing that soon. We really need to get back."

"We'll leave tomorrow." I assure him.

"You know what." Dan realizes, looking back to the bar counter hosting the kitchen behind it. "There's a lot of food back there. We should take it while we can and maybe put it in a bag. It wouldn't hurt to have it in the room in case we need to go somewhere."

I raise my eyebrows, realizing that this is actually an option we have. We've never encountered a place that hasn't been looted in some way, apparently this area was either less busy once the world ended or maybe nobody thought to make the climb through the loose windowpane, but in any case Dan is right, we should use this while we can.

"James!" Dan calls. "Do you wanna go for a quick walk with me to grab some pillowcases? We're gonna fill them with the food."

I look at him in mock-offence, grabbing his hand before he can stand up.

"Oh what, you're going to leave me?"

"Wouldn't dream of it." He replies easily. "You're going to organize the non perishable stuff so we have stuff to put in the pillows when we come back down. It's super important."

His tone is far too sweet and it's obvious he's trying to charm me, making me roll my eyes bemusedly.

"It means you don't want the boring job, more like." I quip. "I'm on to you."

He's on the opposite end of the table from me so I honestly don't exactly him to be able to achieve anything. Little to my knowledge, Dan will take any excuse he can get.

He clears the small distance so fast the small table knocks into my legs a bit, pulling me forward over the surface and kissing me with a hand tugging my shirt.

It's quick, just a press of our lips before he draws back, but the air punches out of my lungs just like it always does, my hands flying to my face as I squeal. He giggles and I'm blushing horrendously, any plans of resisting dissolving like sugar. Damn him. Damn him and his perfect, wonderful face. I laugh even as I hold my head in my hands, certain he'll be the death of me.

"You're right." He says slyly. "Don't tell anyone."

I just shake my head, watching him wave at me exaggeratedly as he goes.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't see that!" James calls from the hallway, smirking at the both of us like a smug supervisor. "Except I can't because I did."

"Oh, hush. Love is real and it's all around you." Dan trills. "Let's go ditch Phil."

I roll my eyes, seeing him jog over and allow Jamie to grab his arm.

"Love is dead and you killed it!" I shout as he walks away, and I can still hear him laughing even as he disappears down the hall. He's walking arm in arm with Jamie, looking happier than he's been in so long.

It takes about five minutes for me to assemble everything. I open every cupboard, sifting through their contents until I've found all the peanut butters and sealed crumpets and other spreads and packets I can collect that looks reasonable enough for us to carry between the three of us. I separate them into three separate parts, two larger piles for Dan and I and a smaller pile for Jamie, sure that we can take up more if we all carry some.

Without anyone else here, the room feels a lot wider, much darker. I keep glancing behind my back hoping Dan will return soon before moving back to the task at hand, unearthing a couple of chocolate bars for the effort. I set aside the least expired one for Dan, stepping back a bit to observe the area just for something to do.

I remember one day when Dan and I had nothing to do and decided to organize my kitchen. He'd taken every edible thing I owned and organized them by how much I used it, secretly gratifying me with how well he knew me, knowing where to place things and which utensils to place at the front of the drawer. We sat down and devised a system for how I would organize my fridge, even making a colourful pros and cons list that was more doodles than fact. Never, not once did he question why we were doing it, neither of us did, and we had so much fun somehow.

When I don't have him, it makes me realize how much love there was between both of us for each other even then. Dan's words earlier about being in denial are ringing in my head, maybe not immediately recognizable as romantic but still something unlike anything I've ever seen. We know each other better than the other knows themselves. It's crazy how this morning began with a gun against my head and yet now I'm so impossibly content.

When he was younger, he'd been insecure, cautious. He was much more reckless online anyway, sharing himself with me when he'd never confided in anyone before. Dan before the apocalypse chose me, I didn't find him. I look around the cafe, eyes on the empty tables and the hallway across the room, and imagine us here as normal people. No virus, no immunity or threats above our heads.

The hotel kitchen is growing dark as the sun starts to set. I step back out into the cafe area just to get near a window, seeing the building opposite ours and the walkway along the river being slowly shrouded in shadow. If Dan and I had been here back then, we probably would have walked along it. It makes me nostalgic for something that hasn't even happened.

Would I have held his hand back then? Told him the truth? I probably would have been terrified. I'm not a graceful person, for all I know the confession would have built up inside me to an impossible amount, a heavy weighted secret that wouldn't burst out until much later in a high tension moment like the one that actually got me here.

I'm in love with you is hardest to say the first time. After that, it's a relief. It's a relief that I'll live for the rest of my life, however long that may be. Looking down at my hands reminds me of holding his, of a time when I used to look at his or reach out and touch them.

I sit with this while I close my eyes for a moment and just let my eyes wander, until five minutes has dragged into fifteen. Then sixteen.

Dan still isn't back, so I sit down on top of one of the tables and watch the sun sink, until it's taken far too long and I realize I'm not just getting lost staring out at the city.

I feel my heart jump, immediately backtracking and trying to tell myself that he's fine. There could be any number or reasons why him and James aren't back yet. He must know I don't want to be down here alone for too long, so what's the holdup?

An anxious mind is a dangerous one. Immediately thoughts of Dan and holding his hand have morphed into questions of it I'll ever get to hold his hand again. If that kiss was our last one. I know it's stupid but I leap up off the table anyway, immediately forgetting at first what our room number is.

The sun is still sinking and the growing shadow only heightens my nerves, no longer beautiful. I make it out into the lobby and wander towards the hall, heading for the hallway that leads to the stairs.

I freeze when I see an unfamiliar man standing in the hallway.

Everything I'm thinking screeches to a full stop. I barely have time to register that there's a torch held in one of his hands and a gun in the other before sense catches up to me and I lurch to the right, my foot catching the carpet and alerting him to my presence as I stumble out of sight, my mind alive with alertness suddenly.

There's somebody here. I think fearfully. Somebody else is in this hotel.

I know I could put it down to coincidence, that I could say this man is just a stranger, but I know for a fact our lives have never come down to coincidence.

My fears are confirmed when I her footsteps from the direction I'd just been facing, sending me backing down the hall as quickly as I can move.

"You might as well come out, now." The man says coolly, breaking the silence and confirming that he definitely knows who I am. "I know you're back there."

I go dead silent, barely breathing and backing down the opposite hallway. There's a staircase leading to the next floor through a closed door, unlocked when I push on it. I can hear the voice calling down the hallway and hold my breath, hurting to shut the door without making an audible click. If he hears it shut, he'll knowing I'm here.

"There's more of us in here!" The man bellows, fear slicing my heart as his voice booms over the empty walls. "You won't be able to hide for long!"

Get back up the stairs.

I take the stairs two at a time as my heart begins to pound out of my chest, running hard even as my breath becomes jagged as I think only of getting back to our room, to finding James and Dan and getting the hell out of here.

At the base of the stairwell, I hear voices rise up. I've only just reached the landing and this time I don't even attempt to be quiet as I yank open the heavy door to the second floor landing and slam it shut, turning the lock and seeing forms emerging on the lower stairs through the glass.

Then, I run. The darkening halls make the room numbers difficult to discern and I can barely remember where we are, anxiety bursting through me. It's only when I see the dinosaur toy laying in the hall, yellow and endearing in front of a door as if it's been dropped that dread sinks into my chest.

"Dan!" I gasp. I turn around and begin pounding on the door, hearing the sounds of shattering glass as the intruders slowly break through the hall door. "Dan!" He has to be in here. The toy on the floor has me desperate and I'm terrified that they've taken them away, gone because I'd let us be separated. Nobody answers and I hear the crash, hear the angry shouts of someone to search all the halls.

I press myself against the door frame to stay out of sight, breaths becoming rapid because I see torch beams, hear the voices drawing closer. I'm leaning on the door, footsteps approaching, when it suddenly gives way and I'm yanked in.

I scream, a hand flying to my mouth and cutting off my voice before I can scream again.

An arm wraps around me from behind, pulling me in with a hand pressed into the centre of my chest. The hotel bedroom is dark and the door slams as I'm pulled in, hands roughly dragging me and silencing me.

"Shh! Phil." A soft voice whispers urgently. "Don't scream."

My breath catches and I look to my captor to see Dan, Jamie behind him with a hand curled into his T-shirt. He drops his hand and a relieved gasp leaves my lips, my arms pulling him forward and hugging him close.

"Oh my god." I gasp. He reaches out with his free arm and pushes us against the door, twisting the lock and then lifting his hand to the back of my head.

I don't know what I thought. I didn't see him, saw the stranger with the weapon and felt that fear, real and immediate when Dan or Jamie could have been hurt.

"We have to get Jamie out." He says immediately. "Out the window. To the truck. It's our only chance. I don't know how they found us, but they're everywhere."

"The truck?" I mumble faintly.

"Earring's truck is here." He says quickly, pointing outside to where the vehicle sits near the entrance to Putney Bridge Station. "Parked out of the view of the other ones. I think Beard saw them following after us and rushed over, they're not with them."

Jamie nods and I breathe out shakily as I hear the men checking the doors one by one, searching for the one that would hav been unlocked had we been caught unaware just now. We're safe for the moment and I sink into Dan, just feeling him against me so my heart stops jackrabbiting.

"Fuck." I breathe, the curse leaving me because my emotions are strung high. "I thought they found you. You didn't come back and I thought they took you."

There's so much relief that it overwhelms me, mind already formulating how to get outside without being seen.

"It's the Confederation." He says shakily, whispering as we try to move quietly to the window, each sound feeling louder than a jet plane when the situation is so tense. "Thank god you got up here. Earring let us all go so they must be furious, he can't have their protection now. We have to get back to camp."

"What if it's a trap?"

Dan looks at me with sad eyes and I see his hands reach down to the bedside table to retrieve Harley's gun, nodding down to it slowly.

"Then... we kill anybody who tries to stop us." He says haltingly, eyes casting back to the truck.

James's face goes white and I feel my eyes widen when I realize what Dan means, the unspoken words there. We're getting out of here no matter who tries to stop us, driving the damn vehicle if we have to. We have to stop anybody in our way.

We won't allow ourselves to be caught off guard this time. If Earring points a gun at me this time, it'll never happen ever again.

It only takes seconds to open the window. There's a garden beneath our window, an elevated planted without any plants yet and filled with soft soil. All we have to do is jump down on it and then run, I can feel the tension between all of us as we prepare to drop down.

"There's zombies outside." Dan warns me. "I'm going to stay behind you with the gun. No matter what happens get James to that truck, tell Beard to get us out of here."

Just as he says that, there's a slam against our door and Jamie screams.

"Be careful." I gasp. He nods hurriedly and moves to lift Jamie onto my back as I shuffle up and over onto the edge of the sill, hearing growls in the distance as I swing my legs over and let them hang down. I hear another slam, feel the little arms wrap around my neck, and then I jump.

There's a drop in my stomach as I fall the small distance, airborne for a moment before my feet hit soft earth and Jamie immediately drops off, grabbing my hand.

I look up and watch as Dan drops down next to me, taking a moment to reach out my arm and steady him, and almost immediately someone shouts, spotting us through the window.

I turn on my heel and run, eyes on the truck as my heart begins racing. It can't be more than twenty feet away but it feels like hours when a man in a black jacket bursts from inside the hotel, closely followed by others. There's a bang and the man falls before Dan's hand has even dropped, pushing me ahead as he collapses and some of the soldiers drop down to help him. I vaguely see Dan hide the gun in his waistband again, and then he's running.

A zombie lurches in front of me but I dodge it, feeling a bullet whistle past my ear as I grab James's hand. Men are emerging from the hotel and rushing to see where we've run, trying to stop us before we reach the truck.

Even so, we nearly make it without any trouble. The men have been caught off guard, I yank on the door of the vehicle as soon as we reach it. The door sticks and I pull on the handle as Dan covers my back, groaning in frustration and lifting my head to yell into the open window, when my eyes widen and my actions stop dead.

It's empty.

There's a spot of blood staining the passenger's seat, the windshield is cracked. Beard is nowhere in sight and my hands begin to shake when it all comes together, terror striking my chest as I whip around only to see someone standing solemnly with his arm pressed to Dan's neck, his gun pointed right at my best friend's head.

It's Earring.

There's a moment of confusion, my eyes widening before it becomes quickly apparent that he's not alone.

"Hands up!" He bellows, glaring at me. Before I can even think we're surrounded, Confederation soldiers stepping out from behind the bushes and aiming their weapons at me, backing me against the vehicle. A hand pushes me roughly back and then suddenly Jamie screams, the horrifying realization hitting me that he isn't with his brother, the look in his eyes confirming he definitely isn't here to help us.

My head is spinning. I barely have time to process the panic, to fear for Dan before something in me snaps, terror and anger slamming into me hard when I meet his eyes.

"You betrayed us!" I scream, heart dropping horribly when I see one man dragging Jamie back. "You betrayed us to save your son!"

Earring's eyes widen and he steps back weakly as someone else takes hold of Dan, the remorse momentarily evident among the fear on his face as he grips his gun, aiming at me as if hid g himself form my words.

"I'm sorry Phil! The world is against both of you and I can't sacrifice James and Micheal!" He snaps, Dan is screaming, fighting against the hold of the people grabbing him, and I'm filled with pure panic. "I can't let my children die."

"Dan!" Jamie sobs, thrashing in the arms of the soldier and reaching out his arms. "Phil!"

Earring's expression falters as the men drag his son back, pulling him away. Dan's eyes are wild, frozen on where they're taking the little boy away.

"If you didn't want to hurt your children then why are you letting them take James?!" Dan spits, voice frantic.

A Confederation man meets Earring's eyes and smirks, twirling his gun mockingly.

"They-They're just holding him so I comply." He blurts. "I had to choose one and I begged them not to take both."

I see Jamie's eyes widen, heart breaking instantly when I realize the six-year-old has not missed the implication- whether intentional or not- of his father's words.

How could it be possible, I wonder, to ever have to hear that between losing you or losing your sibling, your parent has chosen to sacrifice you? Chosen to calculate the risk with the knowledge in mind that you may not come back, and yet gone through with the action rather than finding an ulterior solution?

"They have my father!" Dan shouts. He whips around and punches the man holding him, pushing him towards the ground and then lunging for Earring.

Another confederation man holds him back, grabbing him roughly by the collar and making fear slice my heart. There isn't any air in my lungs. My arms are pinned. I want to scream.

"You're giving us up and betrayed your brother just to keep your own ass safe? You fucking chose to tear apart your own family?!" He screams, and Earring's look hardens angrily.

"Stop!" Earring yells, lunging forward towards Dan who finches at the anticipation of an attack.

I scream, wrenching free of the hold I'm in to dive in the way.

The thing is, in moments like this, it's almost as if the world goes into slow motion. I can see James crying before he's hidden from sight, see the way Earring's face contorts. I see and feel everything, my fear gone for a mere moment with the desperation to save Dan. It's like in the junkyard, my hands go out and I reach out to land a hit, to do anything to make Earring feel what we have. In the blink of an eye, time is frozen.

The man holding me isn't as prepared as the one holding Dan was. I lurch toward him, stepping in front of Earring, as he screams something.

I don't know what he says, don't know what my heart is doing as as his fist collides with my forehead instead of Dan, white-hot pain hitting me instantly.

I scream and so does Dan and then my vision wavers, the last thing I hear being Earring's heaving breaths. My vision flickers and maybe time does stop for another split second, all I know is that a second blow follows and then I black out, my head snapping to the side.

Vaguely, there's a sensation of falling.

Then, nothing.

~~~

"I'm going to marry you."

Dan holds my hand and we walk side by side in a meadow, one that goes on and on for seemingly infinite time. I don't see an end to it and everything is glowing softly like it's draped in a honey-coloured sunset, the sky coloured vibrant orange and pink. There's flowers beneath our feet, the air filled with drifting petals that come in all kinds of colourful hues. Everything is vibrant, I catch a pink petal from the air just to feel the silkiness between my fingers.

I feel pure contentment. Dan's skin is golden in this light and I see a rose dusting in his cheeks, his face is smooth and unblemished and the dark circles are all but gone. His hair is healthy and shiny, curls lying perfectly over his forehead like he styled them. He hasn't.

"Bliss." He says suddenly. He looks at me as if he's fascinated, though I suppose I probably look that way too. "Have you ever heard of the red string of fate, Phil?"

I laugh at him, tugging lightly on his hand to have him sit down so that we're both cross legged in the grass, which is warm and soft and smells vaguely fragrant. He sits down, immediately picking up the flowers rooted around him.

In my dream, this is is just an odd question. I smile like he's said something amusing and he winds a flower around his finger.

"You don't believe in fate." I laugh. "You're cynical and science-y."

"Maybe." He says disinterestedly. "But don't you think we defy it a bit? There's something at work here."

His fingers tie the flowers in his lap together one by one, creating a crown of sorts with the winding stems. That's when I know this is a dream, because real Dan wouldn't have the patience to form something this delicate. He looks so focused, lifting the bud over and under and then pulling so that the stems wind in a knot.

"This is a pretty place." I comment. He nods.

"It's your mind." He reasons. "Your mind is very beautiful."

I look around at the scene of my mind, at the landscape taking shape. There are mountains and forest in the distance now, all purples and greens and warm oranges. It's like some dreamscape between autumn and summer, the liminal state. I look at Dan. He's holding flowers.

"Have you ever heard of the red string of fate, Phil?" He asks again.

I wonder why he's asking me, looking to his expression for a clue, but he seems wholly focused on the plants in his hand.

"Yes." I say this time. "Sort of."

Stars are appearing in the sky overhead and when I look up there's a tree towering over us, aged and beautiful with softly rustling leaves. He nods approvingly at this, and I try not to get confused. This atmosphere is so beautiful, warm and serene, I don't want to let him feel bad here.

"It's a rule." He murmurs. "If you're tied to a person by the red string, it's said that in all universes parallel, in any expanse of time, you will find each other. It says that what you have is something else. You were meant to be together, destined lovers."

That's when I notice the bit of yarn tied around his wrist. It's red, a crimson red. I look down at mine, expecting to see a similar one, but my wrist is bare. Pale and smooth, without a mark or obstruction to be seen.

"Is that us?" I ask, just because that what I'm expecting this to lead to.

"The string might stretch, get frayed, maybe even tangle a little. But it won't break." Dan says firmly, as if reading my mind. He tugs on his string and suddenly it's wound around his fingers, he reaches out and touches my wrist and despite myself I curl my fingers around the string, just wanting to see what it feels like because I know somehow that that is the red string. Now we're both holding it. "I don't doubt that we're with who we should be. But it's still an alternate reality isn't it? Which one is the truth?"

It feels like wire, firm and thin even though to the eye it looks soft. A strong thread, not likely to break. I wonder if all strings are like this. I wonder if it's just ours.

"I think we'd be together in any reality." I decide. I don't need the string to tell me that, it's just something about Dan. I trace his hand like I would in waking, just loving the way it feels.

"I agree." He says quietly. "If we're not, well, somebody has to fix that don't they?"

His fingers are working faster now and he pulls flowers from seemingly nowhere, they're piled in his lap and the wreath he's weaving is only growing. His tone comes out oddly serious and I look at him in concern, feeling a wind pick up. It's still warm, but it wasn't there before.

His hand slides down to take mine, palms pressing together and fingers linking. There's a crown of vibrant meadow flowers in his other hand now, and he runs his thumb over a soft petal.

"We are." I say firmly, oddly intent on convincing him. His soft eyes look concerned.

"I don't know what I'm saying, fate is bullshit. You're right." He says. "I don't think we need that."

The leaves rattle above our heads and suddenly the purple clouds become grey. Stars litter the sky in near impossible quantities. It's even windier, the gusts whipping Dan's curls around, but he doesn't look away from me. For some reason I want to squeeze his hand even harder.

"I love you." I blurt. I don't know why I say it. It aches in my chest, it claws to get out, I need to say it.

His eyes have grown distant but I feel the petals of his handmade crown against my skin, the softness of his fingers.

"One day we'll be together, and I'll propose to you the way I've always wanted." He muses. "The only thing standing in my way right now is everything."

I wonder if I should kiss him. The moment seems to lend to it. I lace my fingers through his, hoping he feels what I do. One day, somehow, I'm going to marry him if only in my dreams.

"What if none of this was real, Phil?" He asks me.

His expression is calm but he waits for my answer, one I don't know how to give to him. I don't know how to ask him why he'd wonder such a thing, he knows as well as I do what is and isn't real.

If we weren't real, why would he be here in front of me? There's a world in the waking, one that we walk together. We depend on one another to get through it, that's how we are. I can't answer what I don't understand, but I can't go on without trying to help Dan.

"Tell me you love me too." I say instead, and he smiles sadly.

"This isn't real, Phil." He argues. "It wouldn't mean anything. None of it matters until you wake up."

Thunder rumbles overhead but he doesn't look bothered, though the world has gone monochrome, the shadows bloodred. He tightens the hold his fingers have on mine and pulls me to my feet.

"You're real." I protest. He doesn't seem to believe me. His eyes go distracted and then widen.

"We're in danger." He blurts. His eyes are wild and he tries to hand me something to protect myself but all he has is the flowers. He looks frustrated. Scared.

I remember the hotel suddenly. My heart begins to pound.

"What's happening to us?"

He shrugs and frowns, pulling me closer to him and looking around. He places the flower crown on my head. The flowers have turned crimson. "I don't know."

Darkness pours into every corner. He gasps but before he can catch my hand he's enveloped in it, vanished as a scream claws in my throat.

Dan- they've taken Dan. I don't know who or why, he's gone. Just like that. I call for him but he doesn't answer. I hear a scream, but I can't reach him.

My vision is suddenly clouded with dark and I can't feel Dan's hand anymore- I can't feel anything. In an instant it all vanishes and I fall. It's not a drop, it's slow and disorienting, almost like I'm sinking in water. My eyes fall shut and for the longest time, I don't think anything at all.

I sink. I sink and I keep sinking, the wreath of flowers curled in my hands. When I close my eyes, the red string breaks.

And then, I feel cold.

I feel icy concrete beneath my back and shoot up immediately, gasping in a breath as my eyes open wide. I feel like I've just broken through a sheet of water, exhaustion vanishing from my mind instantly and leaving something, a terror in my chest. It's instantaneous, like a veil lifted form my eyes. In seconds I'm wide awake, eyes shooting open, panicking when the blackness doesn't lessen.

It's dark, completely. Wherever I am it's far away from where the truck is. The last thing I remember is Earring, about to hit Dan.

And then-

"Phil." I hear croakily, my head spinning slightly as I hear sharp breaths from Dan, the real Dan. My eyes are adjusting and I can vaguely feel his form, reaching out to discern his face. His face is above mine, he cups a cold hand to mine, his eyes wide. It takes me a second to realize my head is cradled in his lap as if I'd been unconscious. "Fuck. Can you hear me?"

I groan, my throat feeling dry.

The anxiety of my dream has multiplied and the room we're in feels small and confined, I can't see anything beyond a sliver of light where the door must be.

"Dan." I gasp. His forehead presses to mine, I can't see him really but now I can feel him, he holds my head close and I can feel the shakiness in his hands as he runs a hand through my hair. He's terrified, reminding himself that I'm here. Once again, it's like he wasn't sure if I'd ever wake up.

It takes me a moment to realize his hands are bound.

No. It all hits me suddenly. The Confederation. We've been kidnapped, knocked unconscious, and taken by the Confederation.

It's awful how the dread surges up and strikes me in the chest, knocking me breathless and closing around my heart. I'm panicking but the panic feels like nothing, my eyes are squeezed shut in a silent plea that this isn't real. It can't be real. I promised Dan I wouldn't let them touch him. I promised.

This can't be happening. It feels simultaneously like minutes and hours since Earring gave us up- how can we be here? It can't be real. I'm still dreaming, this has to be a nightmare and I just haven't woken up. I plead to a god I don't even believe in that I'm about to wake up, safe in the bed in Dan's arms with Jamie sleeping soundly in the other bed.

Jamie. What happened to Jamie? What have they done to that beautiful, gentle little boy?

"You're bleeding." Dan whispers, voice frantic.

My hands are free, which strikes me as odd. I raise my fingertips to the back of my head where a dull ache resonates and I feel dried blood, a gasp leaving my lips at the feeling.

"It's okay." I protest, but I can hear that he's close to crying, sitting up shakily and trying to bring him closer as my eyes adjust. "Dan- come here. Where are we?"

The sound that comes from him next is agonized, he shakes his head and my fingers go to his binds, trying to untie them but he pulls his hands away.

"Don't- Phil, they found us." He whispers. "They knocked you out and grabbed me when you fell, and I didn't fight because I-"

"No."

"They're going to take you away from me." He sounds hysterical, my hands are beginning to shake and I can feel my chest compressing, my lungs devoid of air.

They found us. The confederation has Dan and I. Earring didn't stop them, and no one in the camp knows where we are.

We barely have time to orient ourselves. My hand find his and he squeezes it so tightly it hurts but I squeeze back just as hard, terrified of what will happen if I let go. I don't know what to say- what to do.

It shouldn't be possible for this to get any more awful, but then I realize someone else can hear our voices, a shift of footsteps at the door revealing

"Oh good. You're awake." Someone says coldly. "Thought I'd be waitin' here all day."

I freeze. Dan has gone rigid next to me and I hear keys in a lock, the both of us pressing back against the opposite wall.

The door opens and the room is flooded with light suddenly, making me squint at first because the white hurts after nearly nothing.

When I'm not blinking anymore I see the glow reveal a greyish, sterile hallway behind a gruff-looking man. The room we're in is some kind of cupboard of sorts, something meant to serve as a storage closet.

I lose my breath when I see Dan's skin in the light, bruised under the eye and scraped where the blackness had hidden it before.

What did they do to him in the time between here and the hotel? The area around his wrists is red, bleeding in some places from the frayed rope. My heart aches for him, my arms going out to protect him.

The man steps forward, observing us with a detached kind of fascination. He scoffs at my display, touching a switch on the side wall that lights a bulb above our heads so that the entire enclosure is suddenly thrown into light.

For a terrifying moment, there's silence.

I don't know what will happen to us. I don't know what's coming next. All I know is that we're trapped, and there's really no way out this time.

"Who are you?" Dan snaps out. It's like a nightmare, one that we've fallen into for real this time. There's no question as to what is going on here. Earring has given us up to the confederation to save his children, and now they're here for Dan.

"I'm sure you know where you are." The man replies coldly, staring down at him with distaste. "The confederation doesn't take prisoners to the headquarters normally. You're here because you ran away one too many times. I hope you appreciate each other now, because Wirrow wants to speak with you, Dan. Personally."

My heart stops at his straight to the point reply. There's only one reason he'd say that, and that reason would be that they don't plan on keeping Dan and I together.

"If you think you're going to get anything from us, you're wrong." I say shakily.

I hate that my voice is so weak. I hate that we've been reduced down to this. He just looks irritated, not giving us time to think.

"Are you stupid?" The man retorts. "Your boyfriend is immune to the virus. He's caused us more trouble than the entire city put together. They're using him to mutate, and to find the cure. If he doesn't die first. I'm sure you will."

It's like a leaden weight directly to the chest. My knees go weak, nothing running through my mind but no. No, please-

"You have five minutes." The man says sharply. Dan's eyes go wide and he looks at me, expression frantic.

"What?!"

"We'll lock the door." The guard assures rigidly. "No one to interrupt you until the man himself is here. It was fun while it lasted, I'm sure."

"No." Dan breathes, struggling to his feet to try and stop the door before the man closes it. "No!"

"Be glad you're getting a goodbye." The man says flatly. Then the door slams and the lock clicks a few seconds later, a strangled cry leaving Dan's mouth before my whole world crashes down around me. He slams into the side of the door, jiggling the knob as desperate, broken sounds tear out of him, yanking until he exhausts himself and just screams.

My heart is pounding so hard it's beginning to ache in my chest. I crawl over to him, hands bleeding and my whole body shaking, something so much worse than terror coursing thorough me. He pulls hard with both hands even though it's hopeless, even thought it must be painful to strain his tied and bloody hands so hard. I can see his eyes widen, he yanks and pushes against the immobile plane until he exhausts himself, throwing himself against the icy painted metal.

"Fuck." He spits. "Fuck!"

He's gone limp, pressed against the doorway with tears streaming from his eyes. This isn't about vulnerabilities. There's no nobility or courage in the face of fear. Dan is strong but we need each other and despite being side by side we know our time is limited and this is what we are now. I watch his shoulders shake and hear the cries leave him without restraint, his fists pounding the metal because he's broken. This is all that's left because we've lost everything, and there's nothing we can do to get it back.

"Please!" He screams, shoulders heaving.

My chest constricts and I feel my eyes begin to burn, reaching out and grabbing Dan's hand, which he clutches without looking at me. His eyes are squeezed shut. It's seeing him like this that makes it hit me all at once, pain surging to my heart so abruptly it should be impossible.

It had always been a fear, a terrifying possibility at some times that we might be faced with reality. That one day we'd have to a stand, that secrets couldn't be kept permanently. But this is so much worse than this, because it's the real end. This time, we're probably going to lose each other. Forever.

And there's no way to fix that.

It's when this reality hits me that I gasp. He collapses against me and I can tell his mind is running a million miles an hour. There's no way we can escape this together, it's almost exhausting to see him trying.

I almost miss it when his features suddenly harden. He turns to me so suddenly I'm faced abruptly with his bruised face and heavy eyes, so much love and pain in his expression at the same time it knocks me breathless and his eyes burn right into mine, piercing with the amount of anger there.

There's no way we can say everything we want to. There's not nearly enough time, there's too much unsaid and I don't know where to start. We need more time.

Our eyes lock, and it's like we're of one mind. It surges through my thoughts in a split second, all the moments and conversations we've had, every cutting word and every loving word that we shared accompanied by smiles or tears. Every mistake and close call, every moment from our first kiss to our first time, to broken pieces and lost friends. I know our thoughts are similar when I see his expression falter, see it harden determinedly as the words and threats of confederation soldiers burn my mind.

I see his expression shift and recognize this determination, shaking my head before he even speaks because I know what he's going to say. But he can't- I cant let him, and he shakes his head back, biting his lip before blurting out the words anyway.

"No matter what happens." Dan says sharply. I can tell he knows I'm about to interrupt him because he shoots out his hands, gripping mine so tightly I'm forced to look up at him.

"Dan-"

"No matter what." He snaps. He lets go with one hand to cup my face and the pained sound leaves my mouth before I can stop it, everything shattering into pieces right where we stand. "Get out of here alive. Tell the others what you heard and don't you dare fucking come back for me."

"Dan." I choke. And it hits me that I sound just like Jamie did. Scared and vulnerable, pleading for things that he cannot save because he's powerless in the face of a heartless reality.

"Don't you dare." He gasps, and the tears fall from his eyes before he can stop them, only making him angrier as he swipes them away. "I won't let you die for me. I won't let you."

He knows what I want and I hate him for it, want him to let me save him.

"I won't let you die!" I snap right back, seeing his eyes widen.

"I was going to die anyways!" He screams. "They wanted for my blood since the half-life camp. They promised me that a long time ago."

"I won't let you." I breathe. "They can't take you away from me again."

I think back to the bunker and the half-life camp. I remember the night they killed Cat. He wants to lie to them just to save me.

"I just want you to be okay. That's all I ever wanted." His words are broken, I don't care that I'm crying. I desperately want to wake up from this nightmare but I can't.

My eyes are burning and I shake my head, unable to tell him just how much it hurts.

"I'm never going to be okay if I let you die for me." I get out. "Dan, you're all I have, don't you get that?! Stop being noble!"

He recoils for only a moment, his expression pained, before his hand braces the back of my head suddenly, his eyes burning.

And then he's kissing me. It's sudden and it's fierce, his other hand spanning down my back and yanking me against his chest.

That ache is back. The pain that tears like grief, that leaves me gasping for air almost as if I've lost the ability to breathe. There's ash in my lungs and a hand squeezing my heart, an invisible hourglass counting down our time together with grains of sand. It's not enough time.

We taste of salty tears and misery, broken, beating hearts. My mind is racing with desperate pleas for something, anything to show us a way out of here, but there isn't one. It ends because now I'm crying, unable to fathom how this can be real. How could this happen to us? He's physically here right now, but he won't be for long.

"Please." He whispers, clutching my face because I can't look into his eyes. "Phil, get out of here."

I press our foreheads together and feel his rapid breaths against my skin. My mind is racing, desperate to save him from the pain. If I sit idly by, I might as well be killing him myself.

I'm the immune one. I'm the one they unknowingly want. I can't just let this happen, and as soon as I glare at him he shakes his head.

"We'll fight, we'll take them on together." I protest. My heart lurches when I move to unblind his hands and he flinches away from me again, pressing them to his chest as if he's already accepted his death.

"They'll kill you." He mumbles. "There's too many of them to fight. I just have to give them what they want. By the time they realize that they're wrong you can get out of here. I heard them talking before you woke up, Phil. They've found them- the Resistance. They're attacking right now. You have to get out and join them."

There has to be another way. How can he just give up like this? I feel like I'm suffocating, there isn't enough room to breathe.

"I'll tell them the truth." I blurt. "I'll tell them I'm immune and then they won't hurt you." It's all I can think of, they'll let him go if they know it's me.

"No!" His eyes are wide and terrified and he slams a hand over my mouth like I'm about to start shouting it, looking around wildly as if they can hear us. Maybe they can.

He reaches into his waistband, pulling out the gun that Harley gave him and pressing it into my palm with shaking hands.

My eyes widen. "No-"

"Take it." He pleads. "They don't know I have it. Please take it. You're the one they want to use against me. Don't let them hurt you. Don't let them use you."

I shake my head, my throat closing. "Dan."

It's blinding- he's gone from hopeless to determined for me, trying to force me to live when all I want is to save him. I can't stand to see him so accepting of his fate. Everything- all of this- it feels surreal.

He just shakes his head. "Hide it. Don't bring it out now. Wait until they imprison you or you're near an exit to the outside. Get out of here, it's the only way you can save both of us."

I can't breathe. This can't be happening. I can't get out of here on my own. Even if I did, he's just saying what I want to hear. If I leave, I'll never see him again.

He grows frantic at my frozen state and directs my hand, pushing the gun into the waistband of my jeans. My hoodie is baggy so he pulls it down to conceal the slight shape, the trembling in his fingers not missed by me.

"Don't you fucking dare tell them the truth." He croaks. "Promise me."

A sob bursts out of me and he lurches forward, knowing how much pain I'm feeling because this is our only option.

"Promise me." He pleads.

"I can't." I don't want to. I refuse to.

"Hey." He whispers, lifting his bound hands up. "Hey." He cups my cheeks and I see tears in his eyes but he doesn't let them fall, just glares at me with an expression that looks so much stronger than he must feel. "You're gonna to be okay. Look after yourself for me. You can do this, Phil."

"No I can't." I gasp. I hate that I can't even reassure him. I hate that I sound just as hopeless as I feel. We've lost James and lost our allies, god knows what's going to happen to them now because of that. We've lost everything, and now we're going to lose each other.

"Stay alive. I'm not giving up on you." He insists. "Don't fight them this time. Just get out- that's all I want now. You've done it before."

I fall forward with a broken sound and slam into him, clinging to him hard and feeling his arms wrapped tightly around me. I don't want to let go of him. I can't let go of him, and he doesn't want to let go of me. Despite it all, despite our pathetic plan, this is what we really are. We don't want to let go.

"Don't go." I beg childishly, and he grips my arms.

"Phil, I love you more than anything."

I shake my head. It still sounds like a goodbye.

"Don't ever forget that."

"Please." I croak. "I'll do anything." I don't know who I'm pleading to. I push my head against his chest and he presses his lips into my hair, holding me tightly and shaking without a weapon to his name.

"I'll be okay." He whispers. "Get out of here."

"Dan." I say childishly. I'm holding him here now, but he feels like a ghost to me. He might as well be, I'm condoning this myself, holding in my arms the shell of the person I'm giving up for dead. "Dan. Dan."

"Never forget that I love you." He whispers. Harley's gun presses against my skin as our last secret, burning me. "I'll be okay. I promise."

He's lying, I manage to think.

And then, the door bursts open.

Like some sick twist of fate.

Like the moment before the bullet.

Time goes into slow motion then. I see Dan's eyes widen, feel my heart drop as the metal hits the wall with a bang.

And then people are bursting into the room, and they reach for him.

"No!" I get out, "NO!"

It's not enough time. They can't take him away from me, I clutch him against me so tightly his shirt tears. There's more guards now, so many more. They step forward as if we were nothing more than a point in their routine and reach for Dan, who presses me to his chest like he can shield me with his body alone.

"NO!" Dan gasps, clinging to me so harshly it's causing physical pain. "That's wasn't five minutes! You can't take him!" 

He grabs for my hand. I grasp his fingers and squeeze hard, gripping him like he's my lifeline as two different guards yank us hard, trying to separate our joined hands. Arms loop around my chest and I feel a blow to the back of my head but barely register it, my eyes frozen on Dan, his face contorted in pain as we desperately try not to let go.

"Phil!" He screams. "Phil!"

"DAN!" I sound hysterical, I've gone insane. My arms are aching, I cling to him and panic when his fingers slip out of mine.

There's two people grabbing me now. I scream and fight against them, crying now because they're dragging him towards the door and my heart is pounding, slamming against my chest because they're taking him away.

"Now!" The guard barks, twisting Dan's arm so that he falls back with a gasp and yanking him back. "Let go of him or we'll break your fingers!"

Dan gasps and his fingers go limp, the pain on his face making it immediately evident that he's injured. Before I can even lurch forward they yank him out of my grasp, my heart shattering in my chest as our hands finally break apart. He's pulled back so roughly he falls, two men immediately lurching forward and pinning me against the wall, as Dan is pulled back through the doorway screaming, his eyes locked on me.

"No- No!"

And then he's gone. They drag him through the doorway, and before I can even think about the danger I've broken free of the guards' holds, still hearing his cries when I'm sprinting for the door because they can't take him away from me- they can't hurt him. I have to save him, to get him out of here because I promised him-

I make it to the doorway before my arm is grabbed roughly, yanking me back so that my knees give way and I collapse to the floor. My knees hit the floor and a hand shoves my back, throwing me to the concrete on hands and knees so that I gasp in pain at the sharp impact on my hands and the feeling of air leaving my lungs as my heart breaks, and the tears really start to fall, shuddering out of me as I scream inhumanly.

Dan. This can't be happening. Agony rakes my chest and I fight as my wrists are closed around by icy fingers, shaking under the gazes of the guards as my eyes squeeze shut and the fight goes out of me, replaced with pure, unadulterated grief.

He's gone. It hasn't really hit me yet. My shoulders heave and all I feel is the cold and the hands of gloved hands gripping my shoulders, trapping me in place with the door open, torturing me with the knowledge of what I've done to Dan. I have blood running from my forehead from the fight and I watch the droplets fall to the ground like teardrops, staining my skin and filling my mind with a detached kind of fascination.

I don't even fathom time. The scene replays over and over again in my head like a real life horror movie, the darkness to the desperation to Dan's hand being torn away from me, the pain on his face as he was dragged away. He's going to die. I don't care about escaping, about the rebels or anything else. All I care about is him and all I can think of is how because of me he's going to die.

The guards hold me in place but I don't fight them, I think I'm in some kind of shock. My vision is blurred and I can't calm the pounding in my heart, so harsh and loud I'm expecting cracks to appear, for my being to shatter.

I don't know what's worse- the fact that Dan could be crying out right now or that I can't even hear him. I feel sick to my stomach, falling forward to try to pathetically one last time only to be roughly pulled back. My body gives up and I welcome the pain, welcome the red tingeing my vision. I am pain right now, maybe I'm already dying. I have to be, surely it can't be possible to exist in a world where living could hurt this much.

I need someone to hold me I have no one, the guards glare at me for trying to escape their holds and I don't even realize they've let me go until a new set of footsteps punctuates the air, my blurred eyes raising suddenly when a familiar man steps coolly into the room, arms held behind his back as he observes me with dangerous eyes.

The room falls dead silent, the guards stepping aside immediately as he raises a hand, dismissing them. His gaze never lifts away from me. He looks cold but fascinated, meeting eyes with a half smile as my chest constricts suddenly.

Wirrow.

Fear bursts through my chest, the questions as to why he'd be here overshadowed by the pain in my chest, the chill of the gun hidden at my waist. Somehow I know shooting him won't be possible, he'd find a way to stop me before I even laid a hand on him.

Because this is the Confederation's leader. This is the man who's made our life hell, who has taken hold over life and death. He mutters something to the guards and still keeps his gaze fixed on me, a pounding silence filling the room as they draw back.

"Go attend to Dan." He says softly, addressing both the guards but never once looking away from me. "I'll be down there in a moment. I just need a moment with this one."

The guards turn in unison and immediately head to the right, taunting me with how I could have followed them, found Dan before they hurt him. God knows what they're doing to him right now as I stand uselessly only doors away, this building some kind of abandoned hospital that is now the centre of all operations.

"You didn't think you could run forever, Phil?" He asks as his hand finds the door. A sense of claustrophobia overwhelms me as he moves to pull it shut, leaving me in the room with him and my blood on the floor.

I don't answer, my feet instinctively stepping forward because that doorway is the only way out, which Wirrow seems to revel in me noticing.

"Please." I gasp, though the door shuts mercilessly all the same. "Don't hurt Dan. Let him go. Just kill me instead."

I see a flash of silver and realize he's drawn a knife at his side, observing it thoughtfully as scenarios flash through my mind as to how he plans to use it. He looks at me absently, tracing his finger over the blunt edge.

"How sweet of you." He observes. "Self-sacrifice is an admirable trait but I think you're forgetting that the confederation doesn't bargain. We need him for his immunity, if he dies it will have happened eventually anyway. We can't trade you for his blood."

He steps forward abruptly and as soon as his hand hits my chest it's like a shock strikes me, the cold of his hands burning unnaturally into my skin and the push full of impossible strength. He points the weapon at me, watching me pitch backward as I fall.

My back hits the wall and and the pain makes me gasp but I still stare up at the blade, Wirrow's conflicted face glaring down at me without a shred of remorse.

"You can't do this." I plead, knowing that I sound pathetic and useless. "Let me see him. You can't kill him."

"Oh, you're still going to die." He assures me. "I'm sure that'll happen later. But after. After."

He retracts his hand and moves it to his side, tucking the weapon away now that he has my cooperation. All I can hear is my frantic, beating heart. He just stares down at me, his appearance deceptive to his real power.

I meet his eyes, and realize they aren't dark like I'd originally imagined. Looking him in the eye now, I realize there's glints of silver, visible whenever he turns his head. He's neither monster nor human, he's done something to himself.

"Don't you dare make a move." He threatens. "If you pull anything, Dan will die. We only need his blood once if we really have to. You're just a waste of our space, but it's the only leverage left we have to use against him."

But his father. It hits me at once. The resistance must have gotten through in time and saved Dan's father. The confederation is breaking down as we speak, they're running on limited time, and I have to keep him talking so that they can move fast enough to get Dan out. It might be my last chance ever, and my chest aches with desperation.

"You're here for a reason." I tell him, not sure where I'm going but needing him to talk. "There's something you want from me. That Dan can't give you. What do you want?"

"I figured you'd assume that." Wirrow answers, narrowing his eyes at me irritably. "Mostly, I just want to know why you're alive."

"What are you doing to Dan?" I demand, not caring that there are tears burning in my eyes. I don't have to look heroic or be noble. I've failed the last person left alive who matters to me more than life itself.

"Considering his position, I'd think you'd be more apt to answer my question." He says coldly. "You realize no one's ever done it, escaped us as many times as you have. The confederation is an elite group and as you've no doubt learned we have eyes everywhere, even your helpful smuggler guides subject to being corrupted."

Earring. I can barely even think of him right now, panic surging through me without hope of relief. We both know what he really wants here, but Dan's last wish was for me to save myself, to get out of here.

"Maybe your Confederation isn't as elite as you think it is." I spit. I don't even recognize my voice. It's cloaked in pain, full of fear and anger.

Wirrow raises his eyebrows, his look going dark.

"I could kill you right now." He threatens. "The only reason I don't is for selfish reasons. I sent half lifes to kill you that night in the junkyard. There's bands of men and women all over the city who know your name, who use you as a figure because they think someone has discovered the secret to defeating the Confederation. As long as you're alive it doesn't matter which of you is immune, you've made us look weak. I think it's time they learned how vulnerable you really are."

"Bring in a zombie then." I spit. "Bring in whatever you want. Why not kill me in front of all of them and prove a point?"

"Perhaps I phrased this wrong." He muses. "I'll put it bluntly, Phil. I want you to join us. Dan is an essential piece to our breakthrough but you can live if you can get the rebels to surrender. The world will never be what it was again, why did a painful grieving death when you can be part of something bigger?"

I glare at him, tears building in my eyes at the injustice of all of it.

"You know I'd never agree to that." I snap. "So why ask it?! What are you getting out of this?"

"Oh, I'm being entirely serious." Wirrow says, making me stiffen as he extends the knife, placing the tip under my chin so that I raise my eyes to his. His gaze is intent and deadly serious. "Love is trivial in this world, don't you see that? I could see Dan was in love with you before I even got to know you, and where has it gotten you two? His death will change the world, and you could live on for him."

"Like hell." I say harshly. "You're disgusting."

"Perhaps." He mutters. He draws the knife away and grips my jaw, squeezing so hard I cry out. "I suppose I'm not really giving you a choice honestly. Either you help us defeat the rebels or I'll kill them all, all your friends and all those people in camp. Dan's father and PJ and that sweet, sweet little boy. I might let Dan live, there could be a way to save him, but you have to tell the truth."

My heart drops and I see him grin in satisfaction at my reaction, feeling sick that these exact things will be said to Dan about me. I think about my friends, their lives in the balance.

And the awful thing is, for a spilt moment my mind wonders if I should sacrifice them, all of them. The lives of the campers and my friends just to save Dan, despite the promise being loose at best. I feel nauseous just at the thought, at how dark and corrupt it is and I blink hard as another tear falls, streaking down my cheek.

"You're lying." I spit suddenly. "The Resistance has already broken through once. You don't even have a hold over PJ or Dan's dad, do you?"

I see his expression falter and I realize it's the first time I've had one over him, his mind clearly racing as he struggles to come back from the mistake. His expression goes cold.

"Very perceptive." He growls. "They're no safer outside these walls than in them, I assure you. As you have proven, the Confederation always gets what it wants."

My throat goes dry when I see him clearly losing interest, looking less like he'd threatened to kill me and more like I'm wasting his time.

"Never mind." He says abruptly. "Maybe I'll need to deal with Dan to change your mind. I'll make sure you hear everything even if I lock this door. I'll be back for you, in the meantime-"

My heart drops. He tucks the knife back in his belt and turns lazily, and suddenly it doesn't matter. Nothing matters but the fact that he's going to Dan, desperation surging up and sending the words busting out before I can stop them.

"No. Stop." I blurt, not even caring what comes next because I can't let them do this to him, breaking my promise to Dan.

Wirrow stops, turning his head to the side with a sick satisfaction. He raises his eyebrows, hand hovering on the doorknob as if he could shut it on me at any given moment.

"I'm immune, not him." I gasp. "Dan is lying to protect me."

I stand up and look him right in the eyes, feeling my heart beating far too fast and my legs shaking hard. The room goes dead silent and Wirrow looks over, stopped by my words.

I've said it. I've betrayed the truth and broken the lie that Dan pleaded with me to keep, not even caring at this point what happens to me as long as they keep him alive long enough for the rebels to save him. Desperation fills my veins and I want to demand he answer me, the seconds between my words and his response growing into maddening ticks that feel like hours.

He stares at me as if he's actually considering it, before his expression changes quite quickly to annoyed.

"Well, I'll be back if you are." He assures me, but he sounds like he doubts me. He doesn't believe me. "I'm sure I'll see the immunity in you that you never demonstrated before. If you think you can save Dan by lying to me, just know you're only making it much, much worse for him."

"Leave him alone!" I scream, desperately trying to make him turn around. To stop this.

"I'll be back for you later." He says casually, like he's dismissing a friend. "After I've dealt with Dan. I hope you consider what I've asked you."

And that's when something snaps, when my eyes find his retreating back and it hits me full force what he wants to do to Dan. His requests to me aren't as imperative to me as he's making them sound, he's just reveling in the victory, in the fact that the fighting force of the rebels has been captured and reduced to this. Dan and I aren't brave or strong but we're everything to each other, and all he ever wanted, all I ever wanted him to feel was to the feeling of being loved. It's because of my blood that were trapped in this pain, one that could draw out never ending if I let this go through.

The apocalypse is about survival. I've been in danger before, but for the first time, I don't feel afraid or angry. Wirrow has taken everything from me and now he's taking Dan, and it's not Phil that raises his eyes to the man's form. There's something inhuman, animalistic and Confederation-like in the way it feels like morals and humanity are so far away. I have as much power over life and death as Wirrow does and I won't be left to let everyone I love suffer. If I'm going to die, I'm going to die fighting.

And I'm not giving up on Dan.

I feel the gun at my side, but there's no way I could draw it out without him noticing. I have almost no time, there's probably only one, desperate thing I can do.

It's stupid. It's reckless.

I lunge to my feet as Wirrow goes to open the door, grabbing him by his jacket and reaching for his neck.

My fingers close around the collar. I don't have a plan and I don't care about what comes next, I just slam my body into his and squeeze my fingers around his airway, fingers shaking with the effort as I close my fingers and drag him back away from the door.

He cries out in surprise before the sound is choked off, hands immediately flying to pry me off. He gasps but I don't let go, dragging him back with every effort I have left in me.

I can feel his heartbeat under my fingers, can feel just how very human he is despite the power he thinks he has. I squeeze tighter and feel his chilly fingers come up to try and pry me off, but in the end we're all just as vulnerable as the other. In this moment the power is mine for once, nothing left in my heart but the urge to kill. It's a good thing he said his guards didn't get to stay with him. It's given me this chance.

He gasps, grip slackening and his knees giving so quickly it's almost alarming. I can see his face going red, and I revel in the pain in his expression. His hands go up to his neck, weak fingers at my shirt and I can feel his body shaking, going into shock as his eyes go wide.

I'm going to kill you. I think. You don't get this power over mine and Dan's life. Over anyone's.

He kicks my shin but I can feel how limp it is. His arm reaches back, fingers fisting into my shirt, I lean down to press him against the floor.

Then, he grips the collar of my hoodie, whipping around and yanking hard as his fist drives into my shoulder.

In moments he yanks out of my grip and pushes me with the fist balled at the front of my shirt, slamming me into the wall and pressing me against the concrete.

Pain cracks across the side of my head and I can't keep back the moan as white-hot fire bursts through my skull. His breaths are shuddering out unevenly and his eyes are wild, as if he's gone mad. He gasps in breath after breath of air, looking at me murderously as his hands begun to shake.

He surges forward before I can lift my eyes, cracking his fist across my cheek and drawing his knife so rapidly I barely have time to react.

"What did I tell you?" He spits. He's trembling with rage and I see his face contort, the strength behind his movements impossible. He grabs my hair and presses me into the wall, an agonized sound ripping out of me.

I see the silver glint of the weapon. He looks me in the eyes and it's almost as if he's disappointed.

His fist yanks me by the collar. His arm shoots forward blindingly. In one fluid motion, the blade strikes my side.

I think I scream.

we're down to the final 2 chapters now

Wow.

Uh, update coming very soon. Much quicker. Keep in mind the next chapter is the penultimate one, I don't think you're ready.

Also, I may or may not have quit my job that's been causing me so much stress. I'm going to be able to write again, finally.

I just spent my spring break in London and can now say I have actually seen the city this book is set in. First of all, London itself is gorgeous and the tube was an adventure for a rural dude like me, I loved every second of it, and secondly the bridge and hotel scene is based on the hotel I actually stayed at whilst there. I had a room overlooking the river and Putney Bridge and walked along it many times.

Didn't meet dnp, but you can't have everything in life. Also sidenote our tour guide told us all about how hella expensive flats in London are, its crazy. Night Phil must have had a fun time renting there before the zpoc.

I love Night Phil...