Howdy?

So an early update! I won't lie. I am a tiny bit proud of myself =p

Okay, so I really don't have much to say except thank them who voted and or commented on the story. Thank you so much. Love you all. Mwah! =*

Enjoy ♥

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It was that nightmare again. The room, the car, the bridge, everything...

But fortunately, I didn't wake up thrashing or anything.

When I felt I was fully awake, I could tell he was gone. I didn't even need to open my eyes, or reach my hand beside me to know that.

And there was this empty feeling that followed this realization.

But I could also tell there was another presence in the room.

I rolled around on my bed, the sheets underneath moving with me, and opened just one of my eyes. The room was dark, except for the little lamp on the bedside doing the best it could.

"You are still having those dreams?"

I almost jumped as the voice spoke. "Mom?"

She was sitting on edge of the bed, a sombre look set on her face, a worry there in her eyes. "You were mumbling something," she whispered, tucking my hair behind my ear. "I thought you didn't have them anymore..."

"It's just sometimes..." I trailed, yawning. "Anyway, why are you here..." I couldn't finish saying it. "I just mean, you've been keeping your distance lately so I thought..."

There was a tiny, hesitant kind of smile, that didn't reach her hazel eyes. "I thought you didn't want me around. So I..." her voice shook a little. "But I keep in touch with your dad about you. And he said, you seem troubled lately and then he got this call from your school 'cause you've been missing a lot of your classes. And you don't sleep or eat properly, and...he's...he's really worried about you."

I felt a sharp pang of guilt at her words.

When was this going to end? I always made everyone worry about me. Everyone was forced to forget their problems to help me, every time.

It shouldn't be like this.

This wasn't all about me. I wasn't the only one who went through the grief. Sure, the things from my side were a little different, but it still didn't give me the right to put everyone through to what I had.

"Ma, I'm sorry..." I said in a small voice. "I'm sorry for making you all worry about me."

Mom shook her head, with a small sad smile. "Oh, baby, you don't have anything to be sorry about." She pulled me in her arms.

For a second, I couldn't breathe, from the shock of being so close to my mother again. The warmth, the soothing sweet fragrance, which no perfume in the world could match, all of it wrapped around me, and I felt safe in it. I nuzzled against her soft cashmere sweater.

"I'm so sorry..." she said in a whisper, and I knew she was already sobbing.

Saying that it was okay and that I had forgiven her for leaving us would have been too overwhelming, and I didn't want that. I loved how soft, and untainted the moment was, and it would have been a shame to destroy it by bringing up the things from past, so I just nodded my head lightly.

If Daniel could forgive his mother, I think my mom needed another chance too.

"I have missed you so much..." she whispered again. “I love you, baby..."

I simply closed my eyes, and moved closer to her as much as I could, safe from anything out there, safe in my mother's arms.

When I opened my eyes again, I found my dad leaning against the frame of the door, and even though it could have been a trick of light, but I think I saw a hint of smile on his face, not the kind he used to put up just to make me happy or just to conceal something. But a genuine smile, which I though we had lost years ago.

"I'm sorry," I mouthed to him, and he nodded, the smile only getting wider.

After a minute or so of staying like that, mom pulled away, although not letting go off my shoulders. "You must be starving. Do you want me to make you something?"

"I think she would prefer the cupcakes her boyfriend brought," Nathan's voice entered the room, and he followed it soon. I rolled my eyes at him.

"He came twice to check up on you," dad said. "To see if you were up."

"Yep, obsessive much?" Nathan scoffed, standing near the door.

I opened my mouth to retort back with something, but mom spoke first, "And I finally met him! He's such a cute kid. You two would be so adorable together!"

Alright, this was slightly weird thing to talk about in front of the family.

"Aw, she's blushing!" Mom brought her hands on her cheeks as she gushed.

"Mom!" I protested, falling back on my bed and bringing the pillow on my face. "I'm not talking about this. Let's just get to the dinner part."

"Okay." She laughed, "Be downstairs in ten."

"Just a second, I'll update her boyfriend that sleeping beauty woke up alive and then I'll come help you," Nathan spoke.

"He's not my boyfriend!" I grabbed another pillow lying on the bed and aimed it at him but he managed to dodge it.

"Yet!" And then he was out of the door.

Dad, who was watching this with an amused expression, chuckled and then walked over to me. "You feel okay?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I feel fine. Guess, a good couple of hours sleep was all I needed."

"That and seeing your mom again, huh?"

I couldn't stop the smile from coming up. "Yeah, it's really great to see her again. Almost like old times."

"Almost," he said, in a whisper.

"Dad, do you think there's a way that she could...I mean we all could be all...you know..." I struggled in finding the right set of words.

He seemed to giving a lot of thought about it, and then left a tiny kiss on my forehead. "We'll talk about it later, kid."

"Of course," I replied back, as dad walked away.

Since I had woken up at eight already, so there wasn't much of evening to start with anyway, but whatever time we did have, it was spent on everyone trying to help in the kitchen, creating a mess ultimately, talking over dinner and of course teasing me about Daniel.

By the time, the dishes were all clean, dried and in the exact places, not an inch here or there, thanks to mom's obsession about order, it was already close to eleven, and even though I secretly wished that mom would stay over for the night, I knew she had to go. She and dad still had their issues to sort and it wasn't that simple.

But nonetheless, I had the grin of the happiest kid on Christmas when dad insisted that he would drop her home since it was really late. Nathan just stared at me, saying that he was going to have nightmares about that freakishly huge smile.

Like I cared.

After a really long time, I was feeling this happy. Maybe, Daniel was right. Maybe we really were going to be just alright.

However, when I thought of Nate, I wasn't so sure if all of us were going to be.

What about him? Was he ever going to find something new in life?

Maybe, I should just tell him everything. Perhaps, the truth was what he needed to start over…

It was almost two in the night and I was wide awake, but having slept all day, I felt rested.

The sound of my own breathing, with some faint sounds of the crickets outside, was the only thing that disrupted the silence of the cold night.

Could I call him?

I bit my lower lip.

It was really late, though. But I really wanted to. It hadn't been even a full day that I had last seen him, but I was already missing him, was missing hearing his voice, his touch which made me go all tingly and that stupid adorable smile of his.

I bit on my lower lip harder to stop smiling like a fool. Just what a simple thought of him could do to me. But the thing was I didn't mind feeling this way.

Was I finally ready?

Yes, I did have to call him.

Telling myself not to over think it, I dialled Daniel's number.

Oh god, please please please let him be awake, I prayed.

I didn't know how much guilt I would be knocked down with if my call was going to disturb him in the very few hours of sleep he actually usually got.

All my internal debate was halted abruptly as he picked the phone.

"Hello?" He sounded slightly breathless. "What's wrong?"

I sat up on my bed, a little confused. "Nothing. Why would something be?"

I heard his breathing calm down a bit. "No, it's just, it's late, so I thought..." he trailed. "So is everything's fine?"

Whatever his words might have been, but with the tone he used, the better question might have been, "If nothing's wrong why the hell did you call?"

"Should I ask the same thing?" I asked, clutching the sheets tightly, a clear sign of nervousness.

There were a few light 'thud' sound in the background.

"What do you mean?" He replied, after a few moment of silence.

Yep, something was definitely wrong.

"I mean why are you using that tone you do when you're pissed at me," I tried to sound normal, and not letting the freaking out that was actually going on in my head to enter in my voice.

"I'm not."

Definitely was.

"Daniel," I pressed.

There were the 'thuds' sounds again, and for a while those were the only thing that occupied the line, because Daniel didn't say anything. I opened my mouth to check if he was even there when he finally decided to talk.

"Why didn't you tell me you were moving to New York?"

Shit.

I shut my eyes, my hold on the sheets even more tight now.

"Who told you? Nate?" I asked.

"Does it matter?" He was using that cold tone again.

"No, no, of course it doesn't..." I trailed, not knowing what else to say.

"So Christmas, huh?"

"I'm not moving there, Daniel," I said, trying not to sound shaky or anything. If I was to keep him listening to me, I had to make sure I wasn't reacting dramatically.

I waited for his reply, which came after another pause. "You're not?"

"No," I breathed out. "I know I should have told you but...but it was more of just a warning from Dad. I won't let us move there. Especially not anymore."

I paused and thought what I had just said. The last part just implied something, didn't it? Like not anymore, because of him?

Either Daniel didn't pick on it or he just didn't feel the need to highlight it, because all he said was, "So you're definitely not?"

I could tell the tension of the situation had already loosened up, but I still replied. "No, I'm not-"

I instantly stopped talking as a voice in his background yelled Daniel's name.

A girl's voice.

I froze.

Oh, god. Oh, god.

This was bad.

This seemed like that Abbey incident all over again! I shouldn't have called. Why had I been so stupid calling him so late?

"Who's that?" My voice was stiff and cold and I didn't care how weird I sounded.

"You sound, I don't know, jealous?"

He had the audacity of saying like that! What the hell!

Wait...but he sounded casual and...amused?

But I was still freaking out. "Daniel, I swear if this is a repeat of that thing with Abbey, I will tie you to a pole and I will-"

"Already sounds kinky. Can we do that anyway?"

Strange, how just a minute ago, he was mad and now he was almost having fun in this.

I felt a little irritated now. "Dan-"

"Relax, it's just Shay. Apparently, Liam thinks I'm not ready for the upcoming game, so now apart from being the pain in the ass brother, he's now also my oh so personal basketball coach, and Shay is just here to see her loser boyfriend's ass being kicked," Daniel went on, and I could picture him rolling his eyes.

Oh

"At two in the night?"

"At two in the night," he repeated. "So, you can loosen that death grip of your fist now."

I instantly looked down at my hands, and indeed my nails were digging in my palm.

Did I do that a lot?

"You were thinking something else, didn't you, butterfly?" Daniel laughed.

"I'm going to kill you," I tried to sound mad, but failed horribly, being too distracted by the sound of his laugh.

"Yeah? And then who would attend to these late night booty calls from you?"

"This is not a booty call!" I yelled into the phone, but then became aware of the silent

"Oh, please cupcake, I could imagine you lying on your back, all hot and bothered, thinking about me, wondering what I'm up to, and then you just couldn't handle it anymore-"

I cut him in the middle of his rambling, which were way too accurate. "That is so not true!"

"Kiss me if I'm wrong, but you know I'm not." If there was a way of it, I could have practically heard him smirking as he spoke.

"Get over yourself." I shook my head.

"I'd rather get over you," he countered. I was going make a comment about his obvious answer but he had more to say. "Or under you. Or we could both get under things, or over things, or between things. Seriously, there are like a million possible ways this can be done."

"Remind me again why I talk to you again?" I had my eyes narrowed in a fake glare that he obviously couldn't see.

"Cause you day dream about my hot body all the time and wanna take advantage of me?" He answered back.

Well, he did have a hot body. I mean like really though. Years of basketball and boxing were to thank for that. It was lean, athletic with just the right amount of muscles, which flexed perfectly whenever he moved and his skin on his chest and back looked so smooth, like 'let me run my fingers all over you' smooth.

And of course he had that hot as hell tattoo to match his hot as hell body.

Okay...

I was so forgetting that I was on the phone right now.

Wait, what were we talking about?

"Modesty is a thing, Daniel," I said, clearing my head of all the imagery.

"Which I'm completely better off without," he replied back, happily.

"Daniel, if you're done your girlfriend, can you please get your ass over here?" A voice called from behind, which was Liam's, I guessed. "I am not particularly fond of freezing myself to death for no apparent reason."

"Too eager to cry like a baby after losing, are we Liam?" Daniel shouted back. What I took from it was that he didn't say anything to correct the 'girlfriend' part.

I smiled like an idiot again.

"You should get back to the practice," I said, although I didn't want him to go. Not even a little bit.

"Yeah, I should," he agreed, but then didn't say anything to make it seem like he was going to end the call.

"Can I ask you something?" I blurted out before thinking.

"Yes, yes, I would still love you when you're no longer young and beautiful," his reply came.

I rolled my eyes. This boy really had some serious mood swing issues. "Daniel."

"Okay, alright, serious now, what do wanna ask?"

Alright, how do I ask this because simply asking 'Who was the girl that you were in love with?' sounded really nosy, prying and desperate?

And yes, even though I had promised earlier myself that I wouldn't torture myself this question, I just needed to know. It was like a nag in my head to find out who she was, so that I could be sure she wasn't around anymore.

As I knew when we were ten year olds when Daniel had moved here, so most probably she was someone from our school. I thought hard.

Sometimes, I had caught him looking at our table during lunch, and because Anya talked quite sometimes about him during that time, I used to think that maybe the two of them...

Jesus, what if it was really her?

I mean, I know he had said that Anya was just a friend. But what if he was talking about now? What if he was in love with Anya when he was ten but somewhere during all those years his feelings for her just turned into friendship? That would explain how they became friends. And also, didn't he say that explaining how he knew Anya would mean explaining a lot of other things first?

What if this was that complicated thing he was holding back from me?

If this was true, I didn't know how I was going to take it. The possibility that the boy I loved was in love with my best friend at some point.

"Hellooo?"

I snapped out of the mess in my head. No, I couldn't ask it. Perhaps, some things were better left unknown.

But right now I had to say something. "Umm, you told me that the place behind the school, with that tree, it was special for you too. You never told me why."

"You really wanna know?" There was a sudden shift in his voice, and even though I had asked the question just to stop myself from asking the bigger, more crucial one, I was now reeled in to know the answer to this one too.

"Yeah, I do want to."

"Well, you know, umm..." there was a hesitance in his voice. He was nervous, a far cry from his cocky behavior from a few minutes ago. "It's special because it's where..."

I waited for him to continue, but he didn't. I didn't have it in me to be anymore patient, so I asked, "Where?"

"where..."

where what?!

I heard him take a deep breath. "Where I did my first animal sacrifice." My face contorted first in confusion and then in annoyance as I understood what he was doing. "I mean those kind of things happen like once in your life, right?"

"I hate you," I said, as he laughed again.

"What? You didn't think I was giving away everything so easily, especially after you made me worry about New York all day. Consider this a payback," he continued laughing.

"Did you know you get really mean after midnight?"

"Blame it on the lack of sleep, princess," he said. "I promise a well rested Daniel is less of a douchebag."

"Then I suggest you go back to your bed and at least try to fall asleep," I advised, leaning against the headboard of the bed.

"Only if you're in it too," he said, using his sexy deep, low voice.

I bit my tongue, to stop myself from saying something inappropriate in return because let me tell you, when it came to Daniel, my self control was diminishing everyday.

"I really want to see you right now." He sounded really husky, and heavy.

Oh god.

"Do you want me to come over?" The words were out of my mouth so quickly, that I was quite surprised at them too.

What did I just say?

Wow, I did not just say that I was ready to come over to his place at freaking two in the night!

He chuckled. "No, don't..." and I might be wrong but there was this feeling like he had suddenly realized something and was really nervous.

And then it sort of clicked.

He didn't want me to come because he was scared that the guy, Clay, might...

And I think I was scared too. For a long time after coming back to Cassell, I never was afraid of him, but now I was. Terribly scared.

"Yeah, it's better if I don't. I could use a night without freaking out my dad where I am," I said.

"Yeah, you do that," he said, still using the low voice.

Rolling my lower lips inside my mouth, I threw my head back to face the ceiling. "Yeah," I repeated, "I should go now. See you tomorrow, I mean in the morning, then?"

"Yeah, I'll be there," he replied, but neither of us ended the call.

"Go sleep, Daniel," I decided to be the one to speak finally.

"I don't feel like sleeping," he replied back.

"Want me to sing you a lullaby to put you to bed?" I said, chuckling, so as to not think about how badly I wanted to see him right now.

He chuckled too. "As much as I love you, I've heard you singing so no thank you," he answered. "I'll see you in the morning. Goodnight."

And then he finally hung up as I stared at the phone, a little dumbfounded.

He did that just to mess with my head, didn't he? Saying that he loved me?

Okay, sure it was supposed to be a part of joke or something...

God, Norah. Just stop over thinking again. He said he was going to be here in the morning. Till then, just try not to think about it.

Like that was possible.

But the internal questioning aside, I was wreathing smiles. Yes, I was going to see him soon and then I was going to tell him.

No doubts. No lies. Nothing.

I was going to do this.

Needless to say, I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night either. I was getting even more restless by every passing minute, almost ready to jump around the room like a giggling mess.

It was around six thirty in the morning, when I left my bed and decided to go downstairs.

As I skipped down the stairs, I noticed the front door was left slightly ajar, so walked out to find Nathan sitting on the porch, lost in his thoughts.

"Nate?" I called out softly, not to startle him.

Nathan turned around at my voice, and I tried my best not to let my thoughts show on my face, because he looked like an utter mess.

Hair sticking in every direction, eyes red from the tiredness, and face lost of any substantial color, and robbed of his usual goofy smile.

"Yeah, okay, say it, how bad does it look?" He tried to bring some humor in his voice, but just simply failed.

I sat down beside him. "What happened, Nate?"

"A bad night is just what happened," he simply said, looking straight. "I couldn't sleep. After seeing you all together, with your mom, I don't know, something just made me miss her even more and I was up all night."

I put my head on his shoulder, rubbing his arm a little.

Seeing him like that made me feel a little guilty that how I was up joking and talking to Daniel all night while Nate couldn’t even sleep. For being happy while he was not.

"I'm leaving today," he said, in that tired voice of his.

I shut my eyes, a sadness instantly coursing through me. "Do you have to?"

It was hard to explain how much I needed Nate in my life. He was like my big brother, my guide through everything, and my guardian angel all rolled into one.

He lightly touched my head with his. "Yeah, I need to go back. Mom must be missing me."

What his actual reason was that he hadn't been to that cemetery for too long and he was starting to miss talking to her.

I wanted to tell him to move on from that town, from Emma. Three years had been enough torture for him to endure. He didn't any need more of it. He had a life to live, to fall in love again, to find new meanings to things again.

He was way too young to be this sad.

"I want to see you happy, Nate," I mumbled. "And you can't be that unless you let go off the past. Unless you let go off her."

"It's not that easy," his reply came.

"I know," I told him. "But you have to do it."

He sighed, his weariness showing. "What exactly do you want me to do, Norah?"

I sat up straight and asked him to face me. "I want you to imagine her in me and I want you to tell me that you're at least gonna try. Try to start once again. That from this moment, you're going to try to move ahead in life."

He shook his head, giving me an incredulous look. "What? That is insane. I'm not doing that."

"Why not?" I questioned. "You talk to her picture all the time, don't you? It's almost the same thing."

"It's stupid. I'm not doing that."

"Okay, fine don't say those exact things, but at least give it a try," I insisted.

He gave me a blank look for a while. "And how do I exactly start this?"

"You say, "Hey, Emma,"" I answered.

He shot me another look of disbelief. I hung my hands in the air. "What? That's like the standard way."

He sighed. "Fine," and then brought up a bogus sweet smile. "Hey, Emma."

"Hi, Nate," I replied.

"So what I'll be getting replies too?" Nate chuckled.

"Well, yeah, that's the best part. Twin brains, you know. I can probably tell what her replies would have been," I explained. "Anyway, carry on."

Another sigh. "Alright," he drawled. "So how have you been? Everything's alright up there?"

"Yep. How are you?" I asked, not trying to smile by the ridiculous face Nate was making. He was definitely thinking this was idiotic.

"All good, except that your crazy little sister is making me do stupid things because she knows I can’t say no to her," he said.

I made a face at him. "Don't call my sister crazy. She's awesome. She cares about you and wants you to be really really really happy. So do what she says."

This time Nathan smiled. "Oh, yeah? And what do you think I should do, Em?"

"I think you should start painting again. You know how much I loved your work. And you should go to college, make new friends, laugh with them, talk to them and just be the happy you again."

His smile slipped a little. "And what about you? I can't just leave you. I don't want to forget you."

"You don't need to forget me, Nate. Remember me in my happiest day and with that thought keep living your life like it is supposed to be. Just because you once lose something beautiful doesn't mean that you don't deserve anymore of them. I can't tell how much of an amazing person you are who every happiness in the world, who deserves to have that spark of life in him again. You deserve everything."

I probably had lost control over what I was saying. It was like every single thought that I had for Nathan was coming out all at once.

"I don't think I can do it," he said, softly looking me directly in the eye, and there was something weird in them, like he had actually asked that question from Emma, not me.

"Yes, you can." I ignored the look. "Right here say everything you ever wanted to tell me, let it all out, and then move past those things. And when you're done make me a memory of yours. Because no matter how sweet and great the past was, you can't live in it anymore. You have a whole life in front of you. So just say it."

"I-I..." He looked down at the ground.

"Do it, Nate," I pressed.

Nathan closed his eyes, stayed like that for a while and I thought he wasn't going to say anything when he started, "I miss you," he whispered, and then brought his eyes up. "I really miss you, Em. I feel like there's this hold on my throat, choking me. It's been there since that day and I've lost every hope that it's ever going to feel normal again. Like I won't feel this caged feeling, like I've no way out. I'm trapped and everyone wants me to not be this sad all the time, and I know they're right, that I should move on, but I just can't...I can't do it..."

I stared at Nathan, who looked down again to hide the tears that had sprang in his eyes.

After Em’s death, all of us cried, and all of us broke down at times and there was just one person who was there for everyone; the person who tried his best to make everyone smile, who was there to listen.

And right now that person was finally letting it out. I had never seen Nathan so weak, not even on Emma's funeral.

What had both mine and Emma's horrible decisions done to him?

I looked up for a second to make sure that I didn't start crying too. He didn't need to be the one comforting me right now.

"Nate..." I whispered.

He looked up, eyes now fully red but what shocked me was the way his eyes on me felt. And there was it again, how sometimes I felt he was seeing parts of Emma in my face, only right now I wasn't sure if I even existed for him at all. It was all Emma that he saw as he looked at my way.

"And you will never get just how much I need you..." His brown eyes were piercing straight in mine. "How much I miss your eyes...the way they seemed to glow when you were happy..."

A small smile worked on the corner of his mouth as he reached forward to place a finger under my chin.

It felt strange, and all sorts of wrong. I opened my mouth to say something but he wasn't finished yet.

"I miss your smile. It was the best thing in the world, trust me. And I wish I had told you that enough times when I had the chance..."

I could sense him move a little closer. I tried to back up only to discover that I didn't have any space to. I was sitting right next to the wall.

This was a bad idea.

All of it.

"Nate, what-"

"I miss you, Em."

Before I could say anything else, I felt Nathan's lips on mine.

For a moment, I couldn't feel myself. I was numb, and unable to move.

I screwed my eyes shut, choosing not to believe all of this.

This couldn't be happening.

All just a bad dream and I was soon going to wake up.

But I didn't.

And the realization of it was traumatizing.

After a moment, Nathan came back to his senses. He pulled away and I heard him mumble under his breath, "Oh, god."

His hand that had been on my face fell down.

"Shit," he cursed.

I slowly opened my eyes, and soon found out what Nathan's second reaction was for.

I actually felt my blood run cold.

Because standing in the driveway was the last person I would have wanted to witness what had just happened.

 Daniel

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