Fucked up bullshit.

He's stupid. 

The nagging voice at the back of his head condemning him, condemning his previous actions had done more than enough to enforce that thought in, he already knows how what he did was majorly fucked.

What he did to her was majorly fucked.

He didn't mean to hurt her. But he knows he did.

Her eyes no more held that special sparkle he'd grown to love, he knew just how much her dark brown eyes had attracted him the first day he met her, no doubt she'd captured him with that special sparkle in her eyes, no doubt it was love at first sight for him. Yet he'd taken it from her. Taken her happiness and tossed it away. Taken that sparkle away..

She'd smiled at him the first day they met, he'd smiled back, in an attempt to underemphasize just how fast his heart was pounding against his chest; he even rolled his eyes a bit just to seal the act.

She looked excited and he didn't understand why, why she was that happy. It was just a boarding school, she was going to be locked up in a school for months without a phone yet she was smiling.

He didn't understand her at all, she was meant to be crying like most girls around them were or at least about to...like he was.

It was their first time so far away from their family in their entire lives.

Yet she wasn't about to cry; she'd even waved while he stood there stricken to the ground. She was beautiful and thirteen year old him just had to admit it.

He watched how her mother pecked her cheeks twice and exclaimed 'Mwua Mwua' twice and how her father had hugged her tightly, he noticed how the black limousine seemed to be glittering behind them, how the chauffeur dude or whatever he was came down to open the back door for her parents elegantly, noticed how her mother stuck her head out unfashionably and waved frantically at her daughter while the car sped off.

He watched them display poshed up love. In Nigeria. Poshed up Nigerian love.

He then stared back at his own family and couldn't help but feel embarrassed when he noticed how his own parents were acting near their small Mercedes, it was expensive yes but the Limo looked more expensive.

He frowned at their loud obnoxious bickering in warri pidgin English, ashamed that they chose that moment of all moments to argue about stockfish.

Nonso stared at the girl again, she was staring at him and his parents like most of his soon to be classmates were doing.

But yet she'd stuck out, she was the only person who he'd noticed, if not he would had seen Rooney snickering at how odd his parents looked in Emerald Academy's background, going on and on about how the middle class should stick to their middle class schools to Kenneth, a new acquaintance he'd just met.

Her eyes kept quickly flickering between his parents car and the boy closeby, she'd even attempted to give him a sympathetic look—creasing her eyes and pulling her lips downward but it was then and there the urge to run away and hide from the sad pathetic smile she was giving him was overwhelming.

Nonso didn't run away instead he looked down and walked away from his parents, pushing back the tears that were already in his eyes, they'd disgraced him enough in front of the perfect looking girl and he didn't want to be associated with them anymore.

Her parents looked so happy and so put together, looked rich and elegant while his looked like...his.

Looked local.

Then and in that minute he'd unconsciously accepted that she was way above his league.... She was absolutely perfect and the first girl he'd ever found cute in his life but she was way too perfect for him, a girl like her was probably betrothed to another perfect guy and they'd make the perfect couple with perfect kids in a perfect country and he couldn't beat that.

So why bother trying?

Nonso's POV.

Religion has just one meaning, Religion is spread out across the world, everyone on Earth is entitled to their different beliefs and religion-

"-Guy! Mofo what are you thinking of again?" One idiot slapped the back of my head and I raised my head to glare at the idiot.

Segooon.

"I'm reading. Durh. Dey use your eyes and your brain sometimes. " I said blankly and shifted my gaze back to my notebook in front of me on my deep-blue-missing-a-bedsheet bed.

My bedsheet was on the floor besides me.

"Yeah right, you're reading and I'm Einstein the fourth. " Segun smacked me again and I groaned.

Bros free me.

"You know how all these studying shit they do my body, no too disturb me. Free me guy." I grumbled and skimmed through the pages of my CRS notebook with my eyes.

If Silvana was here she'll probably educate me about how skimming was a major fuck up.
And then explain the difference between properly reading and jumping lines with my eyes.

Silvana.

Dominique chuckled loudly and I turned to scowl at him.

"Free him guy!" Big man D also yelled loudly and started laughing

Now what's funny?

This guy don dey too laugh lately.

His head no too dey fixed again.

"Watin be your own? Why you dey laugh? You dey laugh me or watin dey 'sup?" I jumped down from the bed I was on and walked over to him angrily.

Why does every little thing now infuriate me?

Silvana.

Why'd you leave me?

"Why I only just go dey laugh you? I dey laugh you well well oboy! You look so stupid thinking of Silvana mehn. Say you dey read, obobi maintain jor! " His words slashed through my chest and I stepped back.

Guy, must you call her name?

"Guy no, he doesn't look stupid. He looks loooooove sick. I know how many times I've been like this. It's outrageou-"

No one in our room let Kenelum complete his sentence. Neither did I.

"Nelum! Na you speak that English!! " I yelled and started laughing.

Arthur joined in. "Guy said its Outraahgeeyus ! Diana has helped this boy oh!"

"Guy, all of you shut up. I no dey talk like that again! I no dey sound local again. No insult me." Kenelum vexed up.

It was my turn to mimick him with a smirk.

" Ahno day tok raik that ahgahn. Ah no day sounde lokarl ahgahn. No insurt me. " He threw a pillow at me.

I dodged it.

I know I was over exaggerating his Igbo accent, he didn't talk like that but it was funny watching his eyes widen as I did so.

"Guy! Do I really talk like that? Diana dey suffer mehn"

"Do I learry tok raik that?" Kenneth teased and we all started laughing at Kenelum's expense.

He looked like he was getting angry, he was making this just too funny.

We were mocking him so he'll get our point and I was doing so so they'll change topic from me to him.

50-50 boy!

But no doubt, he'd changed.

Before he had this thick accent going on, but I get he just dey use am intimidate people, now it was thinning down and he no dey use r in place of l anymore. Like he dey do before.

But the Igbo accent was still there.

"Nnamehn una dey mad." Like now. His accent was heavy. Phyno the second.

Silvana loved Phyno.
I liked him but Erriga was more of my guy.

Fear who never connect.

Silvana loved calculations and I loathed it, although I loved it when she tutored me.

I loved the tiny Nigerian freckles under her lips, on her chin. Her voice always changed when she was teaching me something, how she slaps me anytime I fail a solving, how she laughs when I tickle her underneath her armpits, how she groans. How her lips always felt plump and soft against mine, on me, how her moans were always so low and yet so deep, how she gripped my shoulders anytime I climbed on her. How tight and wet she was always...always just for me, no one else has been with her, only me. I'm her first everything and I want to be her last.

How she keeps thinking she has the voice of an angel cause I haven't manned up and told her she sounds exactly like me.. If not worst.

Basically, I loved her. And I've loved her since the first day I met her.

It's a moment stuck in my head that I replay almost every weekend, the first day I saw her she gave purpose to my life. I just hope one day she forgives me.

Now if I'd just shut the fuck up back then, if I'd not told Kenneth, she'll still be mine!

Maybe this last trick up my sleeve would help me. But I needed support.

I cleared my throat loudly and they all turned to look at me. I really hope no one teases me about my plan or try to persuade me to drop it.

Because any little persuasion from anyone and I'll drop this highly embarrassing plan and stick to my former and original plan; Hover around her and bask in her lovely presence while admiring what I'd lost.

As pathetic as that sounded, I'd have happily done it- at least I'd had been around her.

"I love Silvana and I need help getting her back." I announced, the atmosphere in the room changed quickly and Arthur nodded his head at me to continue.

"I messed up big time and I miss her so much. I really need you all's help."

Kenneth coughed and I smiled.

"We'll help. But what if she no gree. Elizzy won't stress you like this man. " Kenelum said and I frowned.

Elizzy Elizzy Elizzy

What's my business with that girl self.

It really was just sex and I do not want to be her boyfriend.

I ignored Kenelum's last words because I was really tired of hearing him bring her up every two seconds.

"Well. That's a risk I'm willing to take. But if she doesn't after everything we'll do today, I'll grant her that one wish. I'll leave her alone. For good."

•Silvana's POV•

Expecting anyone to understand me was like expecting judgement day to suddenly happen.

It was possible but very unlikely.

I just didn't understand how I was alone in this, I didn't like how most people around me were taking his side.

He didn't hurt them, he hurt me.

And in some way I'd hurt Munachi. I really didn't mean to, I was just angry and envious that Arthur paid that much attention to her and I'd blurted rubbish to her. I wish I could take them all back.

I really do.

Maybe then her getting almost raped won't constantly prick my conscience.

Won't constantly haunt me.

Because it really was my fault, I knew she was going to say no and I knew she would have said no a long time ago if I didn't use the word self-centered.

I know she's completely forgiven me, maybe she never even held a grudge against me to forgive. Munachi was like that, she forgave too easily, very quickly too, forgave Kenelum, forgave Chiamaka and forgave me.

I guess she understood me in some way. Definitely more than Arthur understood me.

Did he even understand me?

Somehow I wasn't ready to find out the answer to that.

He was friends with Nonso, he knew what Nonso was doing yet he'd done nothing to stop it... Or warn me.

Maybe that was what why I was holding Arthur in contempt.

Even though he had absolutely nothing to do with this. And he didn't always know.

But still, I wish he'll stop looking at me as if he's practically screaming at me in his head to stop being such a baby and get back with Nonso.

He's never said it and I doubt if he'll ever, but I see it in his eyes every time he looks at me.

The way his nose scrunches up and a ghost sneer forms on his lips. I see it every time.

I've never been cheated on, never even been in a relationship, never had my first kiss, never had sex before...

Nonso was my first everything and that's why his betrayal hurt. Why his betrayal is practically killing me.

But yet again, I know no one other than Munachi, Jasmine and Williams would understand that.

And my friends struggled too to understand, Munachi has never been cheated on, Jasmine has been single her entire life and Williams lives in a fantasy lala world where love conquers all. They just understood that I was hurt, but the severity and depth of my pain, only I understood.

Majority of my set-mates had picked sides and started spreading rumours about my relationship, most of them were about how pointless it was that I was keeping my virginity for my supposed future husband instead of just letting him fuck me so he'll stay.

The rumours I kept hearing centered around the fact that no one but Munachi, Jasmine, Williams, Arthur and his friends... Plus his royal jerk face knew that I'd already had sex with him ...countless times.

I was content with things being that way and some how, I was secretly proud that my close friends and his friends could keep their mouths shut.

They somehow showed loyalty by not blabbing out to everyone that I'd already given him my virginity yet he still cheated.

It felt easier for me somehow, like I was allowed to retain my dignity and preserve my 'Silvana-Academic-Prodigy' image.

I knew the loyalty from his friends was only for him on his part... I've never been that close to his friends except Arthur. I knew Nonso didn't want news to get out, because strangely he still cared about me to at least try to prevent things from spiralling out of control.

I knew he still cared because he was being so consistent in buzzing around me, my pen would literally fall and he'd hear it all the way from his class and come in to pick it up for me—slight exaggeration but there was a time my pen fell down and he was outside my class and he instantly appeared besides me to pick it up. I would cough and he would pass me two tom-tom's, before I dumped him he always brought snacks for me from the tuck shop—sometimes by himself, sometimes he sent a junior, but after the breakup he brings them himself.

He still dropped notes in my desk, in my school bag, sweets, chocolates, ice cream, bottle of water, donuts, sausage rolls and there was a time I walked into my classroom and I saw a huge

'I love you Silvana so much. Please forgive me, I would never hurt you ever again and I swear on my mother'

He swore on his mother! And that was so insane, especially how no one cleaned the board at all because they kept snapping it and going 'awww', even going as far as tagging me in their Instagram posts and our further maths teacher walked in to the sight of that.

He stared at me like he could not believe that it was the same Silvana who devoured further maths that had a boy on my case.

I knew Nonso cared so deeply because he was so very consistent.

Unfortunately he didn't care enough to not hurt me.

That's all that matters, not the medicine after death.

Why'd he even cheat?

I gave him sex, time and attention... I gave him sex.

I'd went back on my own preaching about sex and hell and let him have sex with me in school... I gave my virginity in school after condemning girls who'd done it, after judging them.

I guess this must be my own Karma for the mean words I'd said to some of them behind their backs, this must be my own karma for all the times I always thought I was better and purer than them. Nonso hurting me was my own karma.

This never ending deep blunt pain in my chest was my own Karma.

The choking urge to cry and tear out my hair, to just feel another kind of pain instead... I'd even considered self harm so many times just to change the pain.

Falling in love with Nonso was my own Karma.

I was abruptly pulled out of my dark thoughts by a tiny finger poking me slowly on my butt, centimeters just below my back.

I stopped walking and whipped my head backwards to smile at her.

Smile at the cutest girl I'd seen all week.

She was cute and was missing a few teeth, she'd probably be in 7th grade like I once was... She'd probably be as innocent and happy as I was.

Had she already smiled and waved at the boy who would destroy her life years later?

Had she already watched a surprising scene of a friends-first-couple-next conversing loudly in broken English around the boy that she'd grow to love?

Had that boy looked down from her comforting smile since he clearly was embarrassed and walked inside his hostel?

I sure hope not, I don't want this cute happy girl feeling the pain I was cloaking.

"Senior! Shaybe your name's Silvana and you're in SS2?" She asked with a wide smile and I found my self smiling back with a nod.

She dipped her hand into her left pocket on her tiny red house wear and brought out a blue paper.

"I was coming back from the cafeteria and this tall seniorses kidnapped me and told me I have to give you this or else they'd tell the tooth fairy to return my teeth and take back her dollars. I don't know how they'll do it though, Tooth fairy lives in America! And they're here in Nigeria! How can they do it? It's my sister that knows the tooth fairy's house and she's the one who told the tooth fairy to come to my room the day I broke my three teeths at once. I didn't cry oh! It wasn't painful, it tastes good to suck on the teeths that's not there again." She rapped out quickly and I was reminded of my former self.

So this was how I sounded when I talked too much.

Now I understand why most people are always groaning when I speak way past my speech limit.

Not like I had any speech limit.

When I speak past their speech limit.

I crouched low in front of her and laughed loudly, she looked at me like she was confused and joined in seconds later.

"You talk too much. You remind me of me, what's your name darling?"I asked her after taking the paper from her tiny hands.

"Aliya. It's really funny that mummy named me after Aliya in twist of fate. I don't really like her at all! She's boring! But then I was born before the Twisting of the fate!!" She yelled and then she started laughing like she'd just confessed to a judge that she'd committed murder.

Awn. She's really cute.

I'm really glad I left the hostel to get a pink tiny bag for Jasmine, apparently Jasmine can't stand the girl her brother likes and persuaded me to help her get it in order to avoid her throwing words at George's crush especially since the girl in question had been so nice to her by helping with the lesbian accusation stuff.

I wouldn't had met little Aliya if I didn't.

I wouldn't be laughing as if my heart wasn't crying.

"Which seniorses sent you again dear?" I asked her even though I already knew the answer.

The blue paper was my number one hint.

Emerald Academy was very very particular about color matching every little detail with houses.

Everything was red in the red house hostels, Everything was blue in the blue house hostels, Everything was yellow in the yellow house hostels,
Everything was green in the green house hostels,
Everything was brown in the brown house hostels.

She smiled and stretched her left little hand toward blue house hostel. Blue.house.male.hostel.

A tall apartment-complex style building, with a blue roof.

What was she even doing near there self?

Oh yeah, coming back from the cafe... Why'd she stay there so late by the way?

I couldn't even ask cause I'd fixed my eyes and full concentration on the figures in front of the hostel, Nonso's eyes burnt straight into my heart yet I couldn't look away.

I immediately opened the folded blue paper with my eyes still watching him and forced my self to tear my eyes away from his so I could read the content of the paper.

I need you.
Please.
Forgive me.

Three lines, three lines is all I get?

I was so angry and annoyed at the public fact that that was all that was in his paper! I didn't just stand here to read three lines, like how dare him? I found my self squeezing the paper in my hand before I tossed it into the nearby gutter, then I notice Aliya was still smiling at me.

"He made you angry shay? Forgive him. He likes likes you! Don't be like Abhi and Pragya. " She grinned widely at me and reached into her pocket again and gave me another paper... No, an envelope

I looked up at Nonso again and as I was about to ask Aliya if that was all and what she meant by 'forgive him' and also if he'd told her anything and why did she think I should forgive him and also ask her who the hell were Abhi and Pragya... Summary; I had a lot of questions to ask and it seems like that obviously wouldn't be answered right now because when I looked up again I found her halfway through Red house hostel's main door.

Guess this is it.

Do I read it here? While Nonso and his friends are openly scrutinizing me with their eyes?

No.

I fought the urge to stick out my tongue at Arthur and turned immediately to enter my hostel, I sat down on the nearby ironing table and then I dropped the bag besides me.

I opened the envelope and brought out the paper in it, I unfolded it again and again untill I was staring at a long two page paper.

Looks like it was torn out from the middle of his long school note.

I ignored the flutter I felt in my chest and started reading.

You really didn't think that'll be all?
Did you? Lol, ode.

He underlined the word 'ode' and drew a short arrow pointing to the word 'sorry'
I rolled my eyes and continued reading.

You know me no good at all this but I love you and I'll try my best to show you.

I'm really sorry I cheated on you, I really am. If I could take it all back I would -

But you can't. You can't do shit more than say sorry.

I'll treat you better than I ever did, I'll communicate properly instead of finding punani to push my maga into.

Yay, thank you for imprinting that scene into my head. Royal jerk face.

I know you rolled your eyes at me and cussed me somehow after reading that. I know you, I know everything about you. I know that sounds weird but I swear I'm weird about you.

I know your period cramps destabilizes you and you like to lay stomach flat on the cold ground when it hits, I even know how different your fart smells after eating just jollof rice and chicken from how it smells like after eating jollof rice, chicken and coleslaw. I'm sorry if that creeps you out but you are so really cute to me, I study everything about you and I have for years now.

What the... What!?

You probably don't remember but the first day we met each other, the moment you smiled at me I knew I was a goner, I knew I'd fallen straight on the floor, face flat for you.

Of course I remember, what was I thinking about five minutes or more ago?

If you check am ehn, you'll notice how I am using all the proper punctuations and trust me this has nothing to do with Arthur himself besides me slapping my head each time I forget to put a comma and a full stop. Like now.

Sure it doesn't, I roll my eyes again for the third time in a row after I started his letter.

Ouch, he just slapped me again. The things I'll do for love.

Now I was smiling, love... If you loved me you wouldn't had hurt me.

The smile suddenly disappeared.

Can't believe Arthur read the fart part. Oh my Lord!

I feel like he's enjoying slapping my head more than actually reading my work, yes Arthur read this and know that you're a royal jerk face like my queen calls me sometimes. Like, how you go dey over carry English for my own love letter again?

Jerk face with a crown were once his words to me after I complained about him to him once, I rephrased his words to royal jerk face and since then I still call him that...sometimes.

Next time he'll blame me for burning Williams food.

I'm also fixing my handwriting so you'll understand this, I know how many times you've complained about how illegible my handwriting was. Imagine na my handwriting Kenelum call fowl scratch.

I love how he's switching topics and coming back and then switching, it shows how nervous he was while writing it.

It shows how he thought I'd probably never read this.

I probably wouldn't have, if Aliya hadn't given it to me and for his sake and their sake I'm happy they ran into Aliya.

I continued reading Nonso's words with a smile until it got emotional.

He delves deeper into his family and I find my self with that same comforting smile as I did years ago.

I know you probably have no reason to forgive this Urobo boy with an Igbo first name-blame my mum for my name. But please do. I'm named after her late brother but you already know that.

I wish I could write out all the Warri slangs I know that'll help me. But based on logistics Warri no be the state of love.

I also know that sentence alone won't help so please meet during night prep in that space thingy at the center of our block.

I quirked my eyebrow at the tiny italic scribble underneath his word.

School courtyard. In case you didn't understand.

Definitely Arthur's handwriting. I'd seen this a whole lot of times.

Of course I'll understand what he meant. Walk straight into the senior's building with classes around every corner and a tiny black gate that's usually left open would be the first thing to see.

Walk past the gate and you'll be in the school's courtyard, he wanted me to meet him there.

He's really hallucinating if he thinks I'll actually co-

-I know you won't come, I know you. But it was worth trying heh?

He does not know me. If he did he wouldn't had cheated.

How dare him assume he knows me... How dare him assume that I won't come??

He doesn't know me, I'll come because he can't just sit down and predict my life.

^ ^
  =
You're coming now right. Heheh. Don't forget,please.. Just this last chance, during prep.... Since I fucked up in public,I'll fix things in public too.

Last line of his letter... Now, he's expecting me.

How did his reverse psychology almost work on me?

Or now he's expecting me not to come cause now he's planning something else in a different location that I sure can't miss? I don't want to come either way.

None of this would be happening, he wouldn't be trying to persuade me to come if he hadn't cheated in the first place. I don't give second chances.

And he should know that by now.

━╤デ╦︻(▀̿̿Ĺ̯̿̿▀̿ ̿)