Some scars can never be healed, and that's the sad part, I guess.

Your words would always stain my skin and thoughts, one way or another. Not all memories can be erased as we want to, leaving all the good then and the good now—and damning all the harsh in-betweens into oblivion.

We can't always forget as we crave to.

But change is not impossible.

Even the darkest elements fuse into brightness at some point.

Like you.

You hurt me in ways that most scars can't throb in comparison to the sting you've left, influenced the environment we lived in to go straight for my throat with nothing left, scarred me so deep and squeezed the light out of me so painfully that most people would assume it's a miracle how I can manage and settle on a thought of you without crying.

But it's never too late.

Change is never selfish, it's open to give second chances.

Some people just have to see it.

You just have to see it.

It's true—water cannot revive burnt trees.

So, just plant again. Cultivate it, help it grow—it's all about showing and teaching yourself how to claw your way out of the abyss, to swim towards the surface, and breathe the emotions you forgot to wear on your sleeves.

It's no overnight recovery. The process is painful, and agonizing, and some days we grow numb from trying and keeping it together – but it's the only way to keep going, isn't it?

We have to endure. For the version of ourselves we haven't met yet.

We both need a little bit of healing. All of us do.

I'm still not okay.

And somehow, that's quite fine.

_____________________

F I N .

I hope I placed my point across after writing this story.

As I wrote Numb, I had this thought in mind that I wanted everybody to know, feel and see what it's like inside the mind of a person suffering from disorders, anxiety, trauma and depression. Told through personal entries about their everyday life, abuse, their past and the bullying they go through.

I understand how some of you may think that a few of the chapters seem too absurd and that the harassment seems a bit too harsh — but these type of scenarios actually do happen in the real world. Things like these are not just made up. There are real stories of assault survivors, bullied people, of real deaths, real experiences about domestic abuse that show how people can eventually lose their sense of humanity and reason.

Sadly, as much as it breaks my heart, this cruelty actually happens, may it be behind closed doors or not.

And most of the time, it is much worse.

Mental illnesses are as real as any physical ailment. Anyone suffering from mental health disorders deserves as much professional help and support from their loved ones and community.

Mental Disorders are not just trends, nor a 'phase' that merely goes halfway into a person — these battles actually create an effect that ripples way past each layer of a person — and their relationship with everything around them. (As you've seen throughout this book. The divulging of a girl who wanted nothing but to live her life normally and yet couldn't find a way out.)

There is no "right logic" when it comes to mental illness. There is no "you should've", no "why" – some mental disorders don't need to have external factors to trigger them, some are caused by chemical imbalances in the brain which no one can control unless treated with prescribed medication.

To a person who is a victim of abuse, any type of relief is relief, no matter what they determine it as. May it be self-harm, finding a safe haven in one of their abusers, unhealthy coping mechanisms, substance abuse, insanity, and in extreme cases, suicide.

Everyone who needs help, deserves help.

If you are going through something that is straining and damaging your mental health, and you are suffering in silence, please do not be ashamed to reach out and ask for help.

People need to realize how greatly words and ill-hearted actions can impact someone. One way or another.

Your words can very much kill, and you may not even be aware of it.

The only question is, what part of the victim it actually kills...or if it kills the victim altogether.

If you see someone getting bullied or harassed — speak up. You are needed in this world.

Because as a former victim, I sure wish people like you would have existed when it happened to me. :)

-

A letter to you.

Hello, everyone.

As of May 10, 2019 I have made the decision to withdraw from Numb's ebook and paperback publication due to my personal issue with the draft and its content.

These past two years of editing Numb's draft has made me question myself if I had really wanted this. I've been unsure all this time, but because of the generous support and excitement you have shown me, I felt like I needed to push through and deemed that I owed it to everyone who's waiting so patiently.

I will be honest and say that my heart was never a hundred percent when I worked on the book. I quickly realized how increasingly reluctant I am while I reread through the chapters, how vulnerable the words taste in my mouth. I usually felt sick because I got so pressured to do it better. I was mostly clueless when dealing with the festering hesitancy and the distaste I've grown towards the whole process of rewriting and polishing what I've written five years ago. But then I realized.

Numb was never written with the intention of it possibly being published. The words within the book is everything that I was. It's so much to put into the world. It's so much of myself being laid out there just for a few thousand dollars.

I do not believe it is up to the standard for publishing. I don't think it will ever be. Because it will always be too much, too little. Too open, too closed. Too real, too absurd. Too anonymous, too me.

It also no longer reflects me as a writer. The book was written without the ambition for it to be distributed in the future. It was a way for me to write about the adversity that I've been through, have faced, have felt, have lived to tell. It was also a way for me to apprise people about mental health when nobody in my life knew, let alone understood. I am not confident to share such a raw and heavy story in this scope level. The fact that once I publish this book and it is out there for people to sift through and that I can no longer draft it with one click makes me turn in my sleep. It bothered me so much, scared me to the point of drawing back. I constantly feel anxious that it will no longer be the imperfect story that it was but a mere product of endless nights of editing and revision. Something pretentious just so it can be considered "good enough".

This is why I'm making the decision to cease the globalization of this story. The contents of this book are very sensitive, especially to me and the next person, and reflects a lot of my own thoughts, own experiences, written at sixteen when I had no direction in life. A lot of what you've read isn't meant to be put on a shelf or read by everyone. It's a piece I wrote to cope, and it will stay that way. Nothing more, and nothing less.

I apologize if I got your hopes up for something that will no longer be, I'm responsibly aware of the disappointment this might cause you. I am deeply sorry if my decision negatively affects you in any way, but I hope you respect the choice I'm making nonetheless. I was excited too, I'm not gonna lie, to be finally published and have something I've written in my hands — but I don't think Numb is the right book for that. This is my conclusion and I will say that I'm happy with postponing the publishing dream.

Numb has wholeheartedly served its purpose, so I will end this chapter in my journey. It helped me express in a point in my life when I felt like I was worthless and useless, and alone, and in that shard of darkness that I had spilled onto this side of the internet, it helped a lot of people find a glimmer of hope in their lives. That's the only thing that matters to me. Not the reads, not the money, but the people in the comments, in my message board, in my private inbox, who share their stories. Who share their pain and their battles. Who reflect the bravery and strength that Numb encapsulated.

I don't know what else to say other than I will keep writing for you with the same purpose of reaching people's hearts and reconnecting them.

After this note I will not be answering any more questions, but I'd like to thank every single one of you who loved this book. I will move forward and continue to write stories that mean more and I hope you'll find it in your heart to support me once again on this new chapter.

You helped me a lot, and I'm so thankful for you.

I love you.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read, vote, comment, and for sharing this story when it existed. Keep fighting.

— Rizu 

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Continue reading and explore Rizu Lu's other works on
saltroomarchives.wordpress.com

Thank you for your continuous support!

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