I kept my gaze fixed on the large floor-length window, the raindrops streaking down the glass rapidly. The glass had become foggy in the last fifteen minutes as it had started raining again, setting a chill in the air that had made me switch on the electric fireplace.

It was dark outside, partly due to the clouds and also due to the fact that the sun had set about two hours ago. Right after I had taken Luca to the barn and showed him all the animals, introducing each one to him. He had smiled, pointing out the ones he remembered seeing from my phone gallery after the charity gala, what felt like ages ago. Part of me was surprised he remembered them so diligently.

His fingers played with my hair, tugging and stroking gently as I shut my eyes and sighed. The terrible movie we had picked played on the television on the opposite wall, but I was certain neither of us was watching it.

I snuggled deeper against Luca's side, and he immediately pulled me close, kissing the top of my head. I could feel his heat permeating under my clothes, his warm cedar scent that somehow told me it would be okay. I thought back to the restaurant, the way he had licked the edges of that wine glass, the way his tongue had glistened under the warm lights.

My breath hitched, and I turned around so I was facing him. I placed my head on his chest, lifting one leg onto his thighs.

"Hey," he murmured, a faint smile on his lips.

I placed a hand on his chest, trying to find the words that I had been aching for for too long now. I wanted him. All of him. I wanted to give myself to him. All of me. And from how tactile he was, I was almost certain he wanted it too. Regardless, I wanted to make sure I wasn't grossly misreading his body language.

"Luca?" I asked finally, my throat suddenly too dry.

"Mm?"

"Would you... like to make love to me?"

His fingers stilled in my hair as he inhaled sharply. "I... I would love that."

He said yes. And suddenly I forgot how to breathe.

"That okay?" he mouthed, cupping my face in his hands. I nodded, gulping again and again to try and hydrate my parched throat.

"What do... what am I supposed to do?"

"Just lie down for me," he said, his hands travelling to my waist and flipping us so he was on top. His mouth met mine in a searing kiss. He sucked on my tongue, biting my bottom lip and nibbling lower down my jaw as I threw my head back on the pillow. I glanced at my hearing aids that lay on the bedside table. Less used in the past couple of days than ever before.

He lifted my legs and hooked them around his waist, butterflies erupting in my belly. He gripped my chin between his thumb and forefinger and turned my face so I was looking at him. He reached for the hem of his sweatshirt, pulling it off him to reveal his toned abs. The necklace he wore glittered under the warm yellow lights, resting against his sharp collarbone. Hot lava pooled inside my stomach at the sight of his hard muscles, heat rising up my body till I was dizzy.

"You are insanely hot." I blurted out, my brain once again failing in his proximity.

He let out a dark chuckle, smirking at me. "I love this side of you."

He reached into his trouser pockets, pulling out a foil packet and placing it near his knee before reaching for my T-shirt. It took me a few seconds to move, my breath catching in my throat as the reality of what was about to happen set in with a damning force. 

I helped him tug my T-shirt off. He discarded it somewhere on the floor, his mouth finding mine again. He took my hand, placing it against his erratic pulse on his neck. "Remember," he mouthed, and I nodded at him.

His eyes looked black under the warm lights, his lips already swollen and glistening as he trailed them down my chest. I shuddered when he undid my trousers, pulling them off my legs along with my underwear. His eyes travelled down my torso to my exposed waist, and I quickly looked away, insurmountable heat rising to my face when I remembered how easily I'd come undone the last time.

He cupped my face, making me look at him again. "Would you be fine on your back?"

I blinked at him, my ears burning at the thought of looking at him while I—

"No," I managed. "I...I can not."

"It will be easier for you," he said. "So you can—"

I shook my head again, biting my lower lip and looking at anything but him. I could not look at him. The thought made my stomach hollow out completely, my knees already weak at the way his brown eyes looked under the dark.

He muttered something against my lips before mouthing clearly, "Turn around for me."

I yielded immediately, relieved, even though I felt so much more exposed like this. I felt the rustle of movement, the mattress rising for a few seconds before dipping with his weight on it again. I shut my eyes, focussing on the feeling of his lips on my lower back, his tongue trailing fire down my spine. I gasped, gripping the bedsheets when he buried his face between my hips, his hand coming up to stroke me in time with his tongue. I felt the slick slide of lube as he prepped me, his fingers moving inside me till I arched off the bed, gasping for air.

He moved soon, his lips near my ear, whispering sweet nothings. He planted two soft kisses on my pulse, which I realised was him asking if I was okay. I nodded, choking out, "Don't stop."

Each movement of his fingers, each flick of his tongue made my vision float, hazy and drunken. My breath came out in shallow gasps against the pillow. Slowly, he lined himself up between my legs, pulling my waist so I was arching in front of him. I propped myself onto my hands, clenching my jaw, feeling every taut tension in my body as he slowly slid the tip in.

For a few blissful seconds, I thought I could do it. But just a couple of inches in, I let out a pained whimper. I didn't want him to stop; I didn't sign for him to stop. But he did. He kissed the small of my back, lower down, before coming back to kiss the back of my neck. I shuddered pleasantly, the tension in my shoulders lowering at his tenderness.

"Luca... again—" I whispered into the pillow.

He said something, his hand resting on my throat and kissing the side of my face. "We don't have to," he mouthed slowly so I could see him from my side angle. "You're okay. You're perfect."

"I want to," I said, struggling to keep the whining out of my tone. "Please. I want you."

He nodded once, planted a deep kiss on my lips before settling back between my legs. He worked his tongue for longer this time, till I could feel the slick wetness dripping between my thighs. His fingers curled expertly as I let out helpless moans of pleasure, my fingers digging into the pillow.

He grabbed my waist again, his thumb stroking soothing circles on either side of my hips. He murmured something against my lower back before kneeling behind me. I held my breath, which he seemed to have noticed. He brought his face beside mine again, gripping my face gently. "Breathe."

I nodded at his command, forcing my lungs to work despite my legs being so close to giving out from under me. The swirling storm of pleasure, heat, and the sheer presence of Luca threatened to tip my systems into overdrive.

This was a far cry from what we had done in the car. So much different than when I had taken control. This was letting him in, in more ways than one. In ways no one ever had. In ways no one ever would.

Except him.

He planted soft kisses between my shoulder blades, holding me firmly before slowly sliding another inch inside. Then another. The scorching heat making me gasp in desperation. He paused immediately, reaching out to stroke the back of my head. But I didn't want him to stop again. I couldn't let him stop.

"Keep... keep going," I gasped.

He paused for another second before moving again, grinding his hips into mine at a torturous pace. I placed one hand on his waist, biting into the pillows to get a hold of myself. He muttered something against the back of my neck, the pleasant shudders a stark contrast to the uncomfortable, overwhelming fullness that threatened to split me in two. 

 I bit my tongue to keep from screaming, knowing he would again stop or hesitate if he thought I was in pain. I buried my face in the pillow, letting out muffled sobs as he moved again, the sudden burn making my legs shake. 

He kissed the shell of my ear, his hands on my stomach, holding me still, supporting my weight as I struggled to breathe through the unfamiliar feeling. I hadn't really thought about it, hadn't really known exactly how it would feel. 

"This...is new," I managed between choked sobs. 

He gently turned me to face him, his lips finding mine in a tender, aching kiss. He said something to me then; I didn't know what. He gripped my chin, lifting it so I met his eyes. 

"Do you need to stop?" 

"I...I don't know," I answered honestly. "No...no..." I muttered incoherently. I needed him like this, needed him to own me like this. The prospect was singularly terrifying and absolute.

"Okay, then we should—"

"How long till this...goes away?" I whispered, meeting his gaze and immediately feeling my knees almost buckle from how weak they felt. 

"What does?" he asked.

"This...feeling. I...do not know what it is," I said honestly. 

"Are you in pain?" he asked, furrowing his eyebrows. 

I shook my head once. "Not...not too much." I took a shuddering breath. "Just...uncomfortable. I am...not used to this." 

"You're doing good," he whispered, planting soft kisses on my forehead, the top of my head, before leaning back to look at me. "We don't have to do this—"

"No, I...I want to. Just—" I clicked my tongue. "This is rather embarrassing."

He chuckled, holding me close against him. "It's just me. You're fine."

"I am...fine," I echoed. 

"Mhm—" he kissed me again. "Tell me what you need?" 

"You—" I answered with more certainty than I had said anything that night. "Keep...going." 

I buried my face into the pillows, urging him on as I ground back into him. He finally settled, buried to the hilt, his hips pressing into mine.

"S—stay like this," I rasped, twisting the bedsheets, the overwhelm making my thighs quiver. "Just... for a while."

He did. Of course he did.

He stroked my back, my waist, the curve of my hips gently. Letting me adjust to his size, to the addictive heat of him. He leaned closer to me, kissing my ear, letting me watch his mouth.

"Breathe, baby," he murmured. "You take me so well."

I slowly lifted my head, taking shuddering breaths before I turned sideways to look at him. "Okay. O—okay."

He nodded, biting his lower lip. His hair fell in untamed curls on his forehead, some sticking to it despite the cold. His eyes looked black under the warm lights, his jaw pulled taut, as if each of his muscles was as tense as mine.

He moved once, and I let out another involuntary gasp, steadying my hands so I could take it. Another thrust. His chest muscles flexed deliciously as the burn increased, unhinging my brain completely, dismantling me from reality.

"Fuck... Luca—" I let out a choked moan, gripping the bedsheets till my knuckles turned white. "Don't stop... don't stop—" I begged pathetically, not caring how broken I sounded. The pain seared somewhere below the pleasure, uneasy and present. The discomfort, the unfamiliar feeling of being so thoroughly owned in a way I had never felt. A place I had no control over. He moved again, and I placed one hand on his waist, holding him still. 

Something akin to pleasure built up slowly under the unease. My vision a hazy, blurry mess, my breath ragged as heat swirled around us in suffocating waves. He filled me up overwhelmingly, leading me into an intoxicated haze where I couldn't form any coherent thoughts. All the maths that I clung to so desperately turned into mush inside my brain as his hips gyrated into mine with exquisite rolls. I was in a car I couldn't control, speeding off the highway. A blurry speedometer visualising in my brain, the arrow flying off the higher end as it rose more and more out of control. His soft moans a deep rumble that seemed to penetrate my very skin, making blood rush to my head, my stomach weightless as my body lost all semblance of control. 

He leaned over me, completely enveloping me under him, sucking gently on my neck. Ever so slowly, he increased his pace, each roll of his hips making white spots erupt behind my vision. The pleasure rose in a torturous crescendo, never separate from the unease. I could feel tears burning at the corner of my eyes, my throat full of overwhelming emotions I had no name for. I was so vulnerable, naked in more ways than one, stripped of all my defenses, floating in a vacuum. I wanted to crash; I needed him to hold me through it. I was terrified of it, convinced I would shatter. 

I cried out his name, because he was all I had. He was all I could hold on to. I could barely recognise my own voice, could barely feel my limbless body as he growled softly against my neck, the vibrations sending shivers down to my toes and making them curl.

And he sped up, just a fraction, still careful. Always so careful.

One of his hands reached around my waist to stroke between my legs. The world around me disappeared into a blaze, a fiery inferno that I wanted to burn in. His skin slick with sweat and our combined fluids as he sped up.

My arms felt like jelly, and I collapsed onto the pillows, my moans muffled as his movements increased in intensity and pace, each thrust sending desperate whimpers through my gasping mouth.

The stretch was perfect. So full. Each of his movements sent a shockwave through my entire body, threatening to split me in half with torturous ecstasy. I surrendered completely to his hands, his body, his mouth, letting him control the pace, letting him have me the way he wanted, the way I needed.

I let out desperate whimpers, his name—muffled into the pillows. My legs became weaker and weaker as the knot in my stomach tightened. The only feeling in the world his hard, slick cock wrecking the last semblance of my sanity. The room around me burning up till I was afraid it would singe my skin off.

The dual onslaught of his hand and cock sent me over the edge before I could fathom it, and I let out a broken sob, spilling onto his hands as my entire body spasmed helplessly. My toes curling till they cramped, the complete loss of restraint making me cry out. My mind giving up on all its logic and strategies and maths, driven by the singular thought of Luca. The walls crashing down on me, burying me under the overwhelming wreck that was my shaking limbs. My thighs quivered, my knees buckling till I collapsed completely onto the mattress and he settled behind me, pumping deep inside me. I let out a sharp moan when his teeth clamped tightly on the base of my neck, his tongue immediately soothing the sharp tingle. I felt his spasming hips snapping into mine with a renewed force till I could feel the lube trickling down my thighs.

I stayed still, unable to move. My limbs completely useless. My brain forming no coherent thoughts, completely wrecked. My face cold from the spilt tears, a stark contrast to my hot skin. My own saliva and tears drenching the pillowcase.

He collapsed on top of me, kissing the back of my neck, the shell of my ear, murmuring in his gravelly, comforting voice that made my stomach flutter. I couldn't fathom reality for a few minutes, burying my face into the pillow, drowning in something I wasn't sure was pure ecstasy yet. I had nothing to catalogue this intensity, such wreck, such complete surrender.

He kissed the back of my neck, his heaving chest against my back. I could feel his erratic heartbeat against mine as he placed one hand on my throat, under my chin, making me look at him. "You okay?" he rasped.

"I am okay," I whispered. "I...think."

"I got you," he whispered back, kissing my shoulders, my ears as the tremor slowly became manageable. I remained still, breathing through the bedsheet, letting the feeling return to my legs. He planted one wet kiss at the base of my throat as he withdrew from me, and I bit the inside of my cheek at the loss of him. And that, more than anything, made me realise how much I'd wanted it. 

"I was bad," I stated, knowing the words to be true. He had been too careful, too gentle. He had read every single hitch of my breath, edged me towards a climax even through how much of an overwhelmed, shaking mess I was in his arms. 

"No," he murmured, and I knew what he said because of how well I knew the shape of his lips. 

"Yes." 

"No." 

"You've...done this with better people," I continued, the realisation barely registering in my limp body. I had known it already; some part of me had. People who actually returned his passion instead of breaking down into a shaking, quivering, crying bundle in his arms. 

Something odd, ugly, and hot ripped through my chest. The hot and heavy contrast was so stark that it made my eyes burn with unshed tears. 

"Hey—"

"S...sorry," I whispered, my tears now rolling off my face onto the pillows. "Fuck...sorry." 

He turned me around to face him, frowning. "Elliot—?"

This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to have felt euphoria from the climax. We had made love. He had made love to me. And instead, I felt utterly ruined. 

He said something else; I couldn't get myself to try to decipher. I had nothing to hold on to in my head, so I pulled him close, burying my face against his chest, breathing him in, my only anchor. He stroked my hair gently, holding me close, staying still till I managed to lean back and look at him. He cupped my face, stroking my bottom lip as his gaze met mine in a second where I forgot to breathe. 

His face was flushed, his lips glistening. His eyelashes were dark and heavy as his eyes met mine. He looked at me like I was still precious, his hands around me like he still wanted to hold me, his lips parting open like he still wanted to talk to me, even if I couldn't hear. 

The warm fuzzy feeling that had completely abandoned me returned with a crushing force. 

But are you like... in love?

My mum's words returned to me. And I didn't know how to answer, so I kissed him softly. 

"You were great," he mouthed slowly, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "You're perfect for me."

I couldn't tell if he was lying. I could barely tell when people were lying. And my brain was too fluttery and light and woozy around him to be reasonable anyway. 

"Okay...thank you," I muttered. 

He chuckled, kissing my forehead. "You don't have to thank me, you doof." 

"Okay...doof." 

I buried my face into his chest, a silly, giddy smile breaking across my face. He held me close against him, stroking my back, kissing my head, my lips, my shoulders. Loving me as my body returned to its mushy, shaky sense of normalcy.