Whenever I wasn't sleeping I was crying. It's so hard being alone in a room all alone, but I've accepted what's happened and I'm moving forward. I'm also trying to get over you, I'm trying so fucking hard. Some mornings I wake up and think, yes, I'm better, that I can do this, But then other mornings I wake up and all I can think about is our memories. I always loved when you played your guitar. A beautiful passion you have. All the times I made you laugh, or how you'd come hug me when you were waiting for a game match. Or id say something and it wouldn't make sense but you'd still laugh. Our little dates to Denny's, or when we just had to walk somewhere on base. I enjoyed those walks (even when I complained about them.) I enjoyed the nights when we had to walk back to your room, or when I was pretty much wasted and had to pee so bad, but you found me a bathroom in time. Or my favorite time was when we built legos together and my blind ass couldn't see half the legos so I had to look like super close. I wasn't much of a legos fan anyways. But I do love Star Wars and legos are actually fun to build. I loved our little nerf wars, even when you'd cheat and take the bigger gun. I thought it was funny you thought I wouldn't know how to use the bigger the one. But I'm from Texas and Texans know how to use guns. I loved it when you'd make a goofy voice and tickle me making me laugh till I couldn't breathe. I loved staying up late just talking about you, I always love the look in your eyes when you talk about your home. Telling me the stories of you in school. All those memories are special to me and will always be special to me. You would always know when something is bothering me and you'd just let me vent. The day I knew I fell in love with you, was that night you got really drunk and started crying. You told me things that I haven't told anyone. You don't even remember what you told me, but I've kept it close to my heart. I know you don't like talking about it, what happened that night but me being able to be there for you, it felt right. That was when I knew I love you, after getting you settled into bed and cleaning a little. That's when I knew I want to be your everything. Right now all I want to say is thank you. For teaching me many things. I learned a lot about love, myself, and the people around me. Just take care of yourself and remember to have fun. You're in a whole other ass country, not many 19 soon to be 20 years old get to say that. I wish you the very best and safe travels.

It's been a few weeks, I feel like I'm getting better, sometimes I'll randomly start crying. Mainly cause I'm frustrated with everything going on on the Point Loma base. The admin still fucks all my shit up and can't get anything right. Today was tough. Jesus texted and asked what had happened and I told him. He kept saying I should text you, but I don't know what I'd say. After that all i could think about was you, granted I think about you all the time, idk after that it was just hard for me. I tell myself not to cry because it won't help or solve anything. I want to text you so bad everyday but Ik I can't. Some nights I hope to get a message from you, even though I know i won't. Your grandpa still texts me all the time. He's such a sweet man. I also went through some of our pictures today, I still can't bring myself to delete them. I know it'll hurt a lot when I do.... I miss you, and I love you . I hope you're doing well and enjoying England.

Well I made it to Virginia. When I was getting on my first flight all I could think was, this is actually happening, I'm leaving San Diego. I was sad about leaving but I'm ready to get out into the fleet and work. You said I'd be fine and that I was a strong confident woman and that's what I'm trying to be. I've already been told how my work schedule is and even then I won't seem that busy, not until I go out on to a deployment which won't be for at least a year. The first thing I thought of when I got here was you. I had a dream about you to one night. In my dream I got to hug you. But after that hug that's when you told me you were letting me go and I broke all over again. I can't seem to stop thinking about you and it's so hard not too. I never have loved anyone as much as I love you. It terrifies me because Ik that dream and become a reality at any moment. I just want us to start over

Well today was a day, I got completely wasted yesterday and the entire time I wanted to call you, just to hear your voice. Your sister texted me as well today. I told her what happened because she asked how we were. She has hope for us, I'm scared though, scared to have an ounce of hope and for it to be gone as soon as you come back. I'm scared you won't love me like you used too. That you've completely given up on us. I still have our pictures. I can't bring myself to delete them ya know? Sometimes I go through them and sometimes I listen to the videos just to hear your voice. I miss you, I miss your voice, your laugh I miss everything. And I've tried moving on. I haven't slept with anyone but I tried talking with a few people and I couldn't do it, all I could do was compare them to you. Ik that's wrong and stupid but I couldn't help it. The bruins played against the capitols, and of course the capitols won. I could only imagine the look on your face if I'd told you they won. I wanted to text you and tell you but I knew I couldn't do that. I can't even just text you I love you or that I miss you anymore because I'm afraid you'll block me or tell me to back off. I'm trying though, I get so damn tempted to text you every single day, but I don't, because I'm trying. I'm trying to give you your space. I hope you're doing well and having fun, I miss you and I love you.

Sometimes I think typing my feelings on here helps. Sometimes I hope maybe I can send you this one day, but another part of me doesn't want too. It's been a month since our break up, it seems so much longer than that. I'm doing everything I can to stay busy though, but at the end of the day when I'm in bed I think about you sometimes it takes me a bit to fall asleep because I like to imagine you're here with me, holding me, telling me it's going to be okay. I remember the way we'd sleep. One arm under my head, my messy hair always in your face, me cuddling your other arm that would rest in between my breasts. Through out the night we'd separate and in the morning when you woke up you'd pull me to your chest again. I think about the times when I cuddled you, I loved running my fingers through your hair. I don't know if you noticed but sometimes I'd just watch you, that sounds kinda creepy, but I'd watch you when you were playing your game, when you built your legos, or when I woke up before you. You always looked so adorable and at peace whenever I saw you sleeping. I know you worked hard during the week, always up early and at work for hours, sometimes not getting lunch breaks. That's why I let you sleep in on the weekends, I wanted you to rest and enjoy your weekends. Even if they weren't spent with me. You always push yourself so hard all the time, that's one of the reasons why I love you. You became one of my motivations to work hard and do good. Sometimes I can't even listen to the song stay or circles, by Post Malone. Those were our songs because I loved when you played those songs on your guitar. Even if you don't think you can sing, I loved when you'd sing songs in Spanish to me or when you'd try to translate them for me. Or when you'd help me to try and speak Spanish. I miss you. Your voice just everything. I know we could've made it work even with the distance. I know you've been hurt in the past. Ik that I caused you more pain then ever in your life but that's not what I meant to do. Every moment time you texted me while you were at work or, or while you FaceTimed me I knew what we had was real. Ik you can't trust me but I'd do anything to have that trust back.

Today you texted me. I had mixed feelings about it. Part of me was happy but another part didn't know how to feel. It was awkward at first and then heartbreaking all over again because you're still so unsure of what you want. I've done everything in my power to try and give you your space. I just don't know anymore. Some days I think we'll be okay and some days I'm terrified that this will all blow up in my face.

We've been talking for less than a week and at first I was okay. You asked me to give you time and to be patient with you. That's what I'm trying to do. But at the same time I think, you think that you want to be with me because you love me, but I think you want to be with me because of lust. We kinda are talking like how we did when we first started dating, but I feel like you feel more lust than love right now. I just don't know what to do.

I just want you to take care of yourself. Getting wasted and throwing up isn't good for you, I'm not just saying that to sound like a bitch or whatever and I have no right to tell you how to live your life, but I worry all the time. Especially with your kidneys. Your knees, your shoulders and your hips. Constantly being in physical pain. Knowing your stubborn ass you won't say anything about if your hurt, or in pain until the last minute. You bottle everything up. Ik I'm the last person that you trust but I wish you would just talk to someone, anyone about what's going on with you. Ik I don't have a right or a say in anything you do, I just can't help but worry.

Ik you're scared, that's okay, you just have to take a chance. Yes this is going to be hard and scary, but life isn't easy. Obviously it's going to be challenging and some days will be hard, but I'm also taking a chance. I took a chance when you asked me to be patient with you. I have, everyday hoping that at the end you'll be mine and I'll be yours. We're both in the military, we know what we were getting into when we first started dating. Obviously there's going to be days when we can't talk to each other, we just have to remember at the end of the day that we love each other. At some point we will hopefully get to move in together as well. But rn we have to give 50/50. I already almost lost you once and that completely shattered me. I don't want to go through that, not again, especially not with you.

Sometimes I feel like it's gonna be alright, that we're going to be alright, but some days I feel like we're slowly drifting apart and I think we are, then we're just going back to square one all over again. I'm gonna get my heart broken all over again. I don't know what to do. I can't tell Brooke because Brooke doesn't fucking care, she has to many fucking problems on her own. Part of me just wants to give up completely and try to move on, but another part of me wants to keep fighting for you. I think it's one of those things were you think no matter what you can still love that person and be with that person but the other half of me is telling me know that this is all just going to be a waste of time. That no matter how this ends I'm going to get hurt.

- [ ] I'm so emotionally exhausted. I feel like we get one step forward and then two steps back. I don't know what to do some days I feel like we're good some days I feel like we're not good like we're not gonna be OK it's because I don't want I don't know what to do and I know you feel like you can't talk to me. It just hurts I don't know what to do or who to talk too.