vi.
̶ ̶ maybe not.

he yawns, his jaw barely moving as he stares blankly at his shadow covered ceiling. a lighter inflicts burns on to each tip of his finger, the heat barely causing him to flinch as his fingertips begin to swell red. the static echoing down the hallway was muted out by the sound of the bathtub filling up with ice cold water. the moment he had been waiting for since her own burial just never approaching it until he felt the timing was right. as he laid on his bed, he felt the small numb sensation in the pit of his stomach, something he had felt before when it came to his failed attempts of joining her in a matching coffin.

he heard his mother in his head, crying, calling her father a coward for never pulling the trigger of the gun he held to the space between her eyebrows. he watched her since he was three be tortured by her own self, swallow antidepressants like candy since his father had been locked away. she looked like him now, or in this case, he had grown to be an image of her. ribs protruding through the thin skin they scarred. misery screaming through their faded eyes all because of the person they had loved, all because they gave away the heart they were meant to keep under a bulletproof vest, their minds being hypnotized by the feeling of love to give the organ to them, not realizing the hand they hid behind their back held silver bullets ready to shoot through the vulnerable.

he sighed, his fingers throbbing as he turned his body towards the bathroom door. water had flooded out of the tub, on to the tile floor and into his rugged covered room. he left the static behind as he slowly made his way to the bathroom. his bones ached more than the pain he had just inflicted as he locked the door behind him. the cold water beneath his feet sent chills up his spine, causing his teeth to grind against each other. he undressed himself, watching his clothing soak up the water in seconds as he threw them to the side. his facial expression fell emotionless as his eyes caught the two bags he had bought earlier, both filled with ice to its full capacity. taking steady steps, he sat himself on the side of the tub, ripping open the bags one by one and watching the ice float in the overfilled porcelain.

he clenched his jaw as the ice and freezing water hit his back. when he had finally found himself numb to the liquid, he stood up and walked over to the sink. shards of the broken mirror only caught half of his face, his scarred knuckles turning white as the image of what happened replayed momentarily within his thoughts. shaking his head side to side, he began to grow frustrated with himself. how did everything come down to this very second?

his burnt hand reached for his phone, unlocking it, and immediately found himself being greeted with the voicemail's he had saved. clicking on the latest one, he hit speaker, allowing her voice to drown out the running faucet behind him. "hey, i saw you called and it woke me up," the familiar pause continued to make his heart to stop until she spoke again, "i can't lie, not to you," he turned his back to the phone, placing his hands on the side of the bathtub with his eyelashes brushing his cheeks. "i caught feelings for you," he rose up on the ball of his feet, listening to the voice that sung his favorite lullaby as the ice cold water created a waterfall over his hands, "i want you to know that you were the best part of my life," that was his favorite line out of it all, the worst being the suffocated crying she had to endure in order to not wake her parents. as the voicemail came to an end, he placed one foot into the bath, then two. his teeth clattered instantly, the tip of his nose turning red while his lips became a washed out blue. with the purple under his eyes, he looked like a drawing that had been colored outside of the lines, a mess of an artwork that not even he could love.

"let's just keep this short and simple," he sat down without hesitation, his breathing quickening as his body tried to fight against the cold. he felt his feet become numb, the burns on his fingertips had finally stopped pulsing. he couldn't stop his teeth from smacking against each other any slower, but with the long pause she held, he had found himself wrapping one hand around his mouth and the other holding his nose close. he fluttered his eyes close, "i love you, i hope you don't mind," with the sound of her breathing being cut off, he submerged himself under the water.

his head began to find itself in immense amount of pain, like a water balloon being overfilled to the point it exploded. his heart pulsated fast against his chest, but slowing down within seconds as he released his hands and put them to his side. keeping his eyes closed, he found himself dreaming of her. she smiled over her shoulder, the dimples he loved demonstrated just how happy she was when she was with him. under the water, he had smiled, for the first time in months.

unlike his other attempts, he was much calmer. even with him under water below zero degrees, he found warmth when his thoughts brought her to him. his heart began to pick up it's pace once again, searching for what it needed, yet not being gifted it. his body began to move side to side, the pain becoming too much for him to endure. his eyes flew open, the water stinging the surface as he struggled to keep himself under. "i love you," her voice echoed around him as if though she was right next to him, "i hope you don't mind," he wanted to scream, but he knew the moment he opened his mouth, his body would pull up for air, "i think i caught feelings for you," the suffering never seemed to end, even if this was one of the most painful ways to die, he never concluded it would take so long to find the ever wanting happiness.

as if someone pried his mouth open, he inhaled, feeling the water fill his lungs. the agony lasted what seemed like forever, before his eyes began to see nothing more than black, fluttering shut. "i love you," was the last thing he heard, a smile appearing on his face before his body became lifeless.

170623 : this is the last chapter
and this is more than ive ever wrote
before yikes.