it pains me to do it, but i sell the painting of sky. because it hurt even more to look at it.

the customer asked me why i had named it "A True Story From One Who Tends To Lie" and i said because that's exactly what it was.

the sun pounds on relentlessly for another week and i can feel myself drying up. the paint dries as soon as my brush touches canvas and i can feel my brain drying up too. had it always been this small?

when i was younger, i used to draw more than paint. i always drew myself with a big head, or no head at all. because my brain felt too big. too big, but not because i was smart. because it didn't work the same way as the other kids'. because i got distracted by the color green and little flecks of quartz in the asphalt. because i thought in pictures and couldn't write with words. because i was small and i didn't talk.

and now i suddenly feel like drawing again.

my head is just an outline.

i keep drawing, burning through pages and pages because drawing makes me feel light-headed, like maybe my brain is the right size.

my head is small. no, it is normal-sized. it just looks small on my own body.

why don't mirrors reflect this? why don't they show me my true self?

is this my true self?

i stare at the page, at the heavy, dark lines. at my normal-sized head. it is not a helium balloon. it is not the sun. it isn't me.

not me.

i suddenly want my paints again. i want my head to be big.

i feel like i am spinning, turning, turning, inside a kaleidoscope of all the versions of myself i had once dreamed up. i can't see in color anymore, like i'm an old tv you need to hit really hard to get to work. i try. i try to hit myself as hard as i can.

my hand doesn't move. because i am not a tv, i am me and so are all these imaginings, these caricatures. all of them have one exaggerated trait that i once wished myself to possess: surety, confidence, humor, attractiveness, different eyes, shorter fingers, a smaller head.

i can feel them fighting inside me, crawling down my throat and trying to make a home.

why does this have to be happening again?

i need it to rain. i need to be alone and i need to feel the rain against my skin and i need to see sky. i need to remember who i am and i need the paints to come back to life. i depend on them.

they allow inside to become outside. they allow me to breathe.

when the sun sets, i sit out on my balcony and watch it take its graceful leave from the sky. it soothes me.

i play classical music softly and lay on my back, staring up at the sky and watching the colors swirl like there once was rules and now there's no rules at all. i can feel all my selves swirling, too, until the sky goes quiet and they all coalesce into me and i take a deep breath.

i'm not tired.

so i go out and i wander the streets. the night air is warm against my body, the slight gentle breeze hugging my figure. the hem of my large t-shirt stirs apathetically. i can hear cars from busier streets a few minutes away, and the stars are tiny, muted pinpricks far, far above. the mounting blackness is interrupted by frozen bursts of orange from the streetlights, and a few people hurry through their pools of light, bringing snatches of conversations with them.

people are so much better in the dark.

my feet bring me to an open-all-night supermarket, and i glance through the windows. i feel a jolt in my stomach as i see sky, with that man.

i have to blink away the forceful images of yellow and black and black and blackblackblack and find myself pushing the door open and going in.

because that man was holding sky like he wasn't the sky, like he was a piece of property. and sky, as always, looked upset. and sad.

as i draw closer, he looks small. it feels so wrong. the man lets go of him as i enter their aisle and he walks to the next one.

sky looks paralyzed by his freedom, and then he sees me.

and he does something strange and incredible.

he smiles.

(These Tiles Are Lined With Expectant Promises)

i smile back and suddenly we're both stealing guilty steps towards each other and we meet halfway.

"what are you doing here?" he asks, eyes darting across my body like he can't get enough of me. i'm doing the same and i feel a little giddy.

"i guess i'm finding you," i say quietly, staring into those haunted, haunted eyes. the eyes that seem to slam shutters closed as he draws back. i notice the cut on his cheek and the fading, barely there bruise.

"you can't," he says. looks over his shoulder.

"who is that man that was with you?" i watch his adam's apple bob. he looks over his shoulder again. i can practically see his molecules jumping beneath his skin.

"my boyfriend," he whispers. suddenly he can't meet my eyes.

"he looked like your kidnapper." and i'm overstepping boundaries now, because it's not raining, it's just dark, and it feels wrong to be talking to him in a supermarket -

"pleasehelpme."

and i know i can't let him fall.

"come with me." my voice is urgent, sporadic.

"where?"

"home."

and then the man appears, except only i see him, and when i blink again, he's looming over the both of us.

(The Shadow Blotting Out Two Boys Made Of Shadow)

"excuse me," he says, "what is this? we need to leave now, taehyung."

taehyung.

oh.

"no," sky (taehyungtaehyungtaehyung) whispers, squeezing his eyes shut.

"what?" the man thunders, except his voice stays the same volume. sky's cut jumps out lividly as his face turns pale.

"taehyung, you're mine, baby," the man says. he doesn't seem like a man. he's around my age, sky's age, but he's too tall, head scraping the ceiling; i can't bring my eyes up to his face. it's getting dark in the aisle.

why don't the shoppers notice the storm cloud forming?

the clouds spit lightning. i manage to raise my eyes and immediately wish i hadn't. the man's irises are flashing dangerously and he looks so angry.

he raises his fist and sky(taehyung) flinches and in that second, i know that i need to save him.

i take his hand.

the man's fist drops and i can feel the full force of his anger on me and i'm shaking but i need to save him.

"who the hell are you? how do you know my taehyung?" the man roars.

"he's not yours. and he's not mine either," i say as strongly as i can. "i'm jeongguk."

"how. do. you. know. him?" the man asks through gritted teeth. he's drawing nearer to me, and i can only imagine how ridiculous this looks - me, staring at the floor, and him, trying to kill me with his gaze.

"we've met before." i take a deep breath, throw my eyes to his and connect - "you're the one hurting him, right?"

he falls silent, looking absolutely furious at my accusation, and then taehyung-sky is saying, "yes!" at my side and the man explodes, jumping on me and knocking me down. my back hits the tiled floor and my hand slips from taehyung's and i can't breathe and he's punching me, over and over again.

taehyung is screaming for help and i can feel blood in my mouth as he straddles me and pain explodes in my face. tears escape my eyes because this is what sky had to go through and so much hatred fills me.

enough that my hands fly up and somehow i'm blocking his punch through my swelling eyes and the blood and i'm straining, straining to push him away and then employees are rushing over, pulling him off.

"we're through!" taehyung screams at him. "we're done! i'm finally leaving you, asshole!" and i can tell that he wants to scream more, but then i push myself onto hands and knees and cough blood on the floor.

i try to apologize to the employees, but they're already bustling about, holding the man back, and calling the police. one has a wet towel and wipes away the blood on my face but i barely feel the pain when i should feel it all over.

taehyung holds onto me and cries as the police ask everyone questions, so many questions. their words are made of question marks.

when they finally leave with the man in the back of their police car, he collapses on me and we sit down, hard.

for awhile, we just lean on each other. the employees buzzed around us, offering assistance that we eventually managed to decline.

in that moment, we just needed each other.

a/n: if youre reading this u should def go check out my apply fic👀👀👀