My worst fears are...(and in no particular order are)
The fear of being alone...
The fear of spiders..
The fear of the dark
The fear of other....

I had been thinking of my fears...
Since....my girlfriend...
Told me something interesting...
I know i know...
Every couple has something they dont like about their partner....
But for me i cant say anything bad about the other....
Maybe one thing...
But the only thing is...
Is that i feel like she doesnt pay attention to me enough...but i know its not her fault...
Its not her fault she hates hugs...
Its not her fault she is like this...
Thats why i cant say anything
But she told my friend "i dont like the way u eat pizza" and i asked her "what dont u like about me?"........she paused for a sec and said "there are many things i dont like about u"...which made me sad....not only that...
I had a nightmare with her in it...thats she took a knife...(we were in my room)...and stabbed her wrist and yanked it backwards...
I remember i said or did something to cause her to
do this...i talked to her and she said she would never...
What i didnt tell her...is that...i know what it meant.....
U see i have this other fear....
That ill say the wrong things....or do the wrong things....cause i feel like if i say or do something wrong....itll cause something bad...
For example...she was upset....we were in a conversation in our little lunch group..and at some point in time...
She said "its so annoying...like when people think bi and pan are the same thing"...
And i said..."they kinda are...."
And she looked at me....with cold angered eyes...i sear when she looked at me and started to prove me wrong....its like an arrow piercing my soul...
Ya know....i wonder what the reasons are....
The things she doesnt like about me that is....
But at the same time im scared......
If she ever reads this....
If i didnt end up asking u....
U should tell me lexi...
Dont sugar coat it....
Dont make it sound better in any way
...i want to know exactly the reasons why...ur either embarrassed to be seen with me...regret ever knowing me.....heck..even regret being with me....
Cause idk...
If its a matter of jealousy...or something else...but when u said that one thing to marilynn...
I was like."thats it?"...
And when u said me....
A piece of my heart broke...
Because i thought....
"Shit i did something....she likes marilynn...im not good enough...i fucked up.....aaahhh!!! Whyyy!!!! I wanna know!!! Pleaaaseeee!!!"...
And...

Also...
That friend...
She ks always helping with my relationship...
And its sad....
CAUSE I DONT HAVE THE FUCKING BALLS TO DO ANYTHING...
I CANT EVEN SPEAK TO HER WITHOUT STUTTERING OR NOT HAVING THE WORDS COME OUT...BECAUSE OF MY FEAR OF SAYING THE WRONG THING...
*sighs* marilynn....she told me....
"Is it bad i wanna see u and lexi kiss?"...
And i said no....
She said she would help me...
I said okay...but on the inside...i was sad....
Cause i cant do anything....
Earlier today...we went shopping...and i tried to help my mom..i fucked up...
And started yelling "THIS IS YOUR FAULT..."...
I cried all the way home...
"Im so useles....if i try to help...i mess up....
I cant even do this right...."...
I thought about my relationship.....
"I rely more on her than she does on me....
She doesnt....because she probably knows im useless..."
....

I swear.....im gonna sleep soon...and im gonna have a other fucking nightmare...
And cry again....

And...if i was lexi....
I wouldnt like

-she is overdramatic..
-creeps me out a bit...
-to clingy...
-puts herself down alot...
"Cant talk to me....(i feel like she feels i cant talk to her because i dont trust her...i do t talk to her because i cant!! Im scared...
And because being around her makes me happy....i get nervous and overly excited...thats why i havent kissed her yet...)
I mean i can kiss a stranger perfectly fine...because i have no feings towards them...
But when it comes to the person i like...i cant...