I know u wont read this..
But writing as if i was talking to u helps
U said to leave u...
I dont wanna...
U said that i was happy before..
I didnt develop my feelings till i realized.."i may like her a lil more than that..."
I had a silly lil crush on u..which when being with u made me fall in love with u...
U said u didnt love marilynn...
Yet u treat her like the special one...
U treat me like a "friend" who u pretend to like..
Im always jealous...
I always see u smiling and happy...
While u cant even be near me...as with her u can be as close as humanly possible...
I distance myself from our group...
Cause ur hanging out with them..
And i dont want to bother anyone...
Its not like it matters..
Im invisible...
I dont exist anymore...
More people are coming into our group....
And as they do...someone had to leave...
Everytime marilynn isnt around...u always ask or check...
When im gone u never care...
And trust me i check....
It makes me sad..
But in order for everyone else to be happy...
Someone elses happiness must be sacrificed...
I dont want u to be stressed...
Or sad..
But i was peace...
I know ur going to a different school...for sure this time..
After all ur future is more important then..."us"..our relationship..
Ull end up with someone else...
For all i know it could be marilynn...
But since i know this...
I want this to last a little longer...until the end of the year...
U wont see me ever again...
I talked to marilynn...
She know knows of my jealousy and pain...
She wants to help...
I told her..
When in a relationship...
We need to work as a team..
She agreed..
She told me something fairly interesting....
That shes trying to notice and help everyone be happy...
But no matter how she tries..
Someone is left out...
I only not involve myself cause no one listens...
No one cares...
I look somewhere else...
Anywhere but u...cause u seem to act like im not there either...u haven't talked to me in a week...u look everywhere else but me...
It hurts so i look away..
And try not to be jealous of everyone else who has ur attention...
U always get mad at urself if i tell u...ur always blaming urself..
But should we as a team not give up that easily?
This is why i dont tell u...u blame urself and i get sad...
Ur already stressed enough...
Having to deal with ur parents and crap...
And i never talk to u irl..because i still get that nervous feeling...
And ur always busy talking to someone else...
And ur always so happy...
And i dont want to ruin ur happiness..
Cause even though ur smiling...
U feel pain on the inside...
Because of home problems...
It seems...when im out of ur life...
When i dont exist to u...
Thats when ur truly happy...
I want the truth...
What do u feel...?
Perhaps...
Those feelings of love u felt in the beginning...have faded...?
Or maybe u never loved to begin with...
Maybe u love me...but u think i just dont get it..
U think im overreacting...?
But u keep ignoring me..
U told me anytime u treat me awful i can tell u...
But now i dont feel comfortable telling u...cause u tell yourself its ur fault...
...u give up...u get upset and say it isnt my fault...and i should just leave u cause i keep getting hurt..."
U dont even try!!
....yet for anyone else u would try.....
I would try....
Is try so much....i wouldnt give up....
This is how important u are to me.....

I guess....though...
Right now....
Ur currently not with me...
And i never existed....

But ur happy....
So thats fine....

Geez....i complain so much....
I which ud hold me...."we will solve this...together..." u say in my dreams...and ud hold me....

Unfortunately....its just a dream....

And if life has taught me anything....dreams aren't real...and happiness doesnt last....

If u read this...

Tell me how u feel..
When talking to marilynn
I said "i rely on her to much..yet she has never once relied on me"
Tell me if u want me to go..

I honestly...
Anymore could care if my life ended..
Sure there are people who care...
But u are most important...
Why do u think i dont tend to fall in love....
If i do....
They end uo leaving me....
And that pain...is the greatest pain in the world..
Last time it wasnt a relationship....
But a dear friend left me...
I tried commiting suicide...
No ones words....would change my mind...
Another friend of mine...stopped me...
Its rare this event called loved...
And i choose u of all people...
Im still waiting to be excepted or rejected....
I need to be properly hurt ...or to be happy...
U dont need to answer now...
I doubt ull see this....
But one day i need to know...
U cant ignore me the entire rest of the year...
Itll hurt...
More and more...each second...
I know in some way ur gonna turn this and make it ur fault again or blame urself...
But please dont...