I talked to her..not irl...but texted her...
Everything..is hopefully fine..
She is well aware..of how i dont feel...special...she is aware of my jealousy....
That doesnt mean shes gonna change...
With all the things on her mind thats stressing her out....i doubt it will dramatically change..
She might pay attention to me a lil more but thats it...
I am..the lewst important...
Meaning...
That rn...
With all the things going on..
I shouldnt bother her...
I told my friend...i dont wanna stress her out and bother her with my personal problems and crap...with all the other crap shes deaking with at home...
But...i do hope things get better...
At this point...
I just want her to treat me like she does to my friend...
Thats all i want...
No one else knows im there...
Everyone ignores me...
It would seem only gibby...faith and sometimes marilynn listen...
Other.....
Dont really care or know im there...
They wonder im so clueless all the time...
Because they never tell me anything..
Im always sad cause when we go into... groups...
Its like i never existed...
Its always...
Marilynn...lexi..nathanael...and ava...
And yet i am closer to them then ava...
Maybe its because i dont say anything...
But then again neither do marilynn and lexi...
But yet they are always picked...
Maybe im just not smart....
I know that...in fact im very stupid...
Ya know...earlier...at lunch...because i didnt have a lunch...i scribbled and thought...."ur gonna die alone....no one will love u....once u die no one will remember u....life is stupid....she only likes u now...but just wait till school is out...she will leave u without hesitation...even if shes still with u....she wont care for u....shell be ashamed to even talk or be near this fat pig in public..."
I know....i know these things...
But yet i forget around her...
I say i wanna adopt a child someoneday with her....
Maybe marry her...
But...i forget.....shes gonna leave me...all alone....
Its possible i wont live past 20 anyways....
I just forget...
That i have no future...
Im gonna be that depressing lady who never leaves her house...for anything...
I wont have any friends...

As of now...
It seems im alone...
Even tho i have friends(which im now invisible to)
I have a wonderful girlfriend (who has a horrible life outside of school which is why she neglects me...)
And...my family...
They couldnt give less of a shit....about anything...unless i say im gonna fucking kill myself thats when they care..

Is it to much to ask...to be noticed..irl...
In here...everything is fine..
But outside....
Im not there...to them...
I want to be seen...
I want people to talk and laugh and hang out with me...
I want to hug them...especially her....
I want to know...and i wanna hear..."hey...i love u okay..?..hey...i care about u...hey...ill be there.....i always will...
To me....
Actually hearing it...makes a whole lotta difference......

But....i know...i wont hear that...

I no longer complaining....
Im just saying....
Being invisible...has its advantages...sadly...theres way more downsides than upsides..