Dear best friend,
        How are you? Hope you are doing good..
I know, I know..you can not reply me from that shabby, dark place in which you are..
What? Don't give me that look.. It's true. Just admit it that hell is so boring shabby dark etc etc..
And please do me a favour..stop raising that eyebrow at me..

Come on? What did you think that I won't know about you being in hell?
Seriously?
Ofcourse I would..
After all what you did with everyone of us, you just can't expect to get those facilities of heaven and all haa..
You deserved it..

Yes! You do..
for leaving us all alone without you being there..for leaving us all shattered & broken without you taking care..
how could you just do that? In fact how could you even think of  doing this ha?

Do you even know how we are  surviving  here?
Do you even check on your mom? Damn she looks so pale and thin..her eyes are always red and sullen. Fuck that. You know what worst part is? I don't even remember when she smiled last in this one year or in fact when she had peaceful sleep or when she didn't look like she would collapse any time..
I don't know buddy..I don't..

I know by this time you may think that your mom is so weak and your dad must be handling her?
But let me tell you the twist..your dad is not as strong as you always thought..may be you didn't know this but he always needed you more than you thought & he always loved you more than you saw..
I have never seen him so weak and broken..it just seems like someone have taken all that life out of him and leave him there shattered..
his eyes show no emotions,no hope, nothing.. everything seems just so dead my friend..so dead, even your sister..

Remember.. How you  always used to  complaint about her continuous talking? How you always wanted her to behave ?
Guess what?
Your dream came true.. you won't believe but your sister neither laughs anymore nor do she talks..
Just seating in corner,engulfed in reading..
So behaved and so dead
just like me...

Nope..I didn't die like you. Even though I have no reason to live anymore, I do..
You know why? Because everyday I see your family going through hell..everyday I see what one person  can do to family..everyday I see how just one person can break everyone...

But still somewhere deep inside I don't want to live. I really don't..
I just want you to be there with you, wrapped in your arms, safe and sound..
but I know that's not possible anymore..
You know I just wish it was ..
I just wish to have you again everyday, every minute..
But shh..I can't tell this to anyone..
Because they  just think I am all strong and tough and let them think that..
Even though I am not..
They don't need to know that
all I want is to hug you tight at this moment and just cry..just cry harder...

I just hate to admit it but fact is I need you..I really do...why don't you come back?you know  if you come back..
I promise I won't annoy you anymore..
I promise I won't crack those jokes ever..
I promise I won't keep talking like that forever..

I will do everything as you say..but please just come back.. please? I know you won't & I know I won't be even able to blame you..

Because..
Because It's all my mistake..
I should not have let you drink this much..
I should have annoyed you, nagged you like always..
I should have stopped you, slapped you like always...

But I didn't..may be if I didn't behave selfish you would have been alive..
May be if I didn't wanted you to be angry at me, I would have stopped you..fought with you
But I didn't...
Cause all I wanted is to spend time with you.. to propose you..to love you..

Yes I love you..I always did...
It's just you never noticed and I never told..
And when I am, you are not there anymore, anywhere...

Sometimes I wonder why didn't that accident took me instead of you?
May be life would have been much
easier then..
May be I would have been smiling..

But then I deserve this too...
After all it's me who let you drink and drive..
Are not best friends supposed to stop each other from doing anything wrong?
Specially knowing driving and drinking may kill us..?
Yes they are supposed too.. It's their duty..

But I failed in this..
I failed in saving you....
I failed in saving me..

They say time heals every wound.. but it's not true because it's been one year and I still miss you..
It's been one year and I still wait for you..
It's been one year and my tears still flow for you...
One year and I still love you....
I still love you..

P.s. Remember some wounds are
So deep & down..
Neither healed nor found...